Your opinions on this divorced mom, please (long, sorry)

[auntpolly]

Change the subject everytime she brings it up. She will get the hint without you having to say a word.

Obviously you don't know her! She has amazing "sticktoitism"!!!

 

[auntpolly]

Thanks for your comments everyone. I think I will probably just take the coward's way out and not be as available as I used to.

 

[RitaZ.]

The children shouldn't have to choose between her and their father. What she is doing is soooooo wrong, she is only thinking about herself. Does she not care about the fact that she is deliberately hurting her children?

I couldn't be friends with a person that derives pleasure from making others miserable, especially her own children.

 

[azgal81]

Her heart is broken so she's trying to turn the kids against him as well almost as payback hey you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you the same using the kids.

I think if he is doing nothing to harm the kids she has no merit to turn them against him. I think they will realize what is going on and be mad at her for doing so. That might take awhile though.

I would probably just avoid her! Hopefully she will realize maybe in the future when she's not so hurt that what she is doing is wrong and wise up! Until then I would let her do her own thing sounds like she has a tough road ahead of her.

 

[poohandwendy]

PAW I value your opinion. Just humor me -- what would you do? She says, "It was so funny Chris told his dad not to come to his birthday party "

You say nothing for the 2000th time

You say "that's not nice" for the 2000th time

You say, "call me when you are over this"

LOL, thanks AP. Ok, you asked:

Well, probably what would happen is I would flip out. Yes... I will admit that, at some point, I would tire of it and I would hand her some tough love on a platter.

I would tell her exactly how horrible it felt for my mother continually reaffirm every insecurity I had with my Dad. I would remind her that my adult relationship with my mother is less than it could be because of the fact that she could never get over it. I would tell her she needed to find a freakin therapist and to leave me out of it. Because it feels really slimy hearing how much it makes her happy that the relationship between her sons and their father has desinigrated. I would tell her I was disapponted that she couldn't 'rise above' for the sake of her children...that I expected more from her than him.

It would probably end our relationship. Seriously.

To me it would be no different than hearing someone laugh about beating their children. It would be the same because they would be making light of something I think is very wrong.

JMHO, I am sure I will get flamed for my opinion, oh well....

 

[auntpolly]

LOL, thanks AP. Ok, you asked:

Well, probably what would happen is I would flip out. Yes... I will admit that, at some point, I would tire of it and I would hand her some tough love on a platter.

I would tell her exactly how horrible it felt for my mother continually reaffirm every insecurity I had with my Dad. I would remind her that my adult relationship with my mother is less than it could be because of the fact that she could never get over it. I would tell her she needed to find a freakin therapist and to leave me out of it. Because it feels really slimy hearing how much it makes her happy that the relationship between her sons and their father has desinigrated. I would tell her I was disapponted that she couldn't 'rise above' for the sake of her children...that I expected more from her than him.

It would probably end our relationship. Seriously.

To me it would be no different than hearing someone laugh about beating their children. It would be the same because they would be making light of something I think is very wrong.

JMHO, I am sure I will get flamed for my opinion, oh well....

Wow, you are the queen! I never even thought about how much fun flipping out would be -- just once! I have no idea how she'll react. Man, you've done your good deed for today. I really feel better!

 

[poohandwendy]

Wow, you are the queen! I never even thought about how much fun flipping out would be -- just once! I have no idea how she'll react. Man, you've done your good deed for today. I really feel better!

LOL, glad to be of service.

It's a shame she is handling it this way. She just does not get the idea that they will figure him out on their own. What they need from her. more than anything, is to remind them that the breakup of the marriage has nothing to do with them and that both parents love them. Even if she doesn't believe it, she is supposed to be their soft place to fall...not the one egging it on.

Btw, my father has been dead almost 2 years, they were divorced 38 years ago and my mother still is bitter about it and still brings it up with me. It's my own personal hell (as well as my sisters). I sometimes think I must have done something really horrible in my sleep to deserve this sort of punishment. LOL

 

[auntpolly]

Btw, my father has been dead almost 2 years, they were divorced 38 years ago and my mother still is bitter about it and still brings it up with me. It's my own personal hell (as well as my sisters). I sometimes think I must have done something really horrible in my sleep to deserve this sort of punishment. LOL

That's rough PAW, sorry to hear that. My mom loves to talk about my dad's family like that no matter how much I tell her I love them and tell her to stop. The only thing I think we can do is learn from this and never do anything remotely like this to our kids.

 

[poohandwendy]

That's rough PAW, sorry to hear that. My mom loves to talk about my dad's family like that no matter how much I tell her I love them and tell her to stop. The only thing I think we can do is learn from this and never do anything remotely like this to our kids.

No doubt. If I had to cut my tongue out...I would, to avoid causing that kind of pain for my kids.

 

[jan/cape]

To make a very long story short here is what I am trying to live by now.I just keep reminding myself of the old saying
"Living well is the best revenge of all!"
I try to take the high road. It doesn't always make me feel better and at times I feel VERY angry, but I hope I come out looking better for doing it.

 

[DVC Sadie]

LOL, thanks AP. Ok, you asked:

Well, probably what would happen is I would flip out. Yes... I will admit that, at some point, I would tire of it and I would hand her some tough love on a platter.

I would tell her exactly how horrible it felt for my mother continually reaffirm every insecurity I had with my Dad. I would remind her that my adult relationship with my mother is less than it could be because of the fact that she could never get over it. I would tell her she needed to find a freakin therapist and to leave me out of it. Because it feels really slimy hearing how much it makes her happy that the relationship between her sons and their father has desinigrated. I would tell her I was disapponted that she couldn't 'rise above' for the sake of her children...that I expected more from her than him.

It would probably end our relationship. Seriously.

To me it would be no different than hearing someone laugh about beating their children. It would be the same because they would be making light of something I think is very wrong.

JMHO, I am sure I will get flamed for my opinion, oh well....

Heck, you won't get flamed from me. ITA. When any parent puts themselves above the best interest of their children then something in the parent is lacking and is definately getting their needs met.

AP, sometimes doing the right thing is hard and can put a friendship on the line. If she values your friendship as much as you value hers do you think she can stop from emotionally harming her children?

 

[Disney Doll]

I would probalby get sick of listening to it and tell her one day that when she & I get together, that tihs would not be a topic I want to discuss. When she asked why, I would say "Because it pains me to know that you, someone who I htought had such a high level of integrity, would stoop to this type of behavior, and in doing so, harm your children's psyche. You speak negatively of your ex, but your behavior is no better".

Bear in mind that this may end the friendship. But, if it does, was it much of a friendship to begin with? Sounds like you are the dumping ground for a lot of stuff. You can't save someone from themself sometimes. They have to fall on their face. Quite frankly, if she's this toxic now, there might be more to the dissolution of their marriage than meets the eye. Infielity is never acceptable, but happy spouses who feel loved and appreciated don't cheat. This woman sounds vile to me...vile and self0-centered, gainiing a momentary "high" form hurting her children. I can't condone that, no matter what the circumstances. She's hurting them and herself. Bitterness like that will destroy you.

What does she bring to this friendship?

To quote Dear Abby..."would your life be better with her or without her?"

 

[Stacey2grls]

I agree with you, I feel your friend is doing a big disservice to her children by poisoning their minds against their father. I went through a very similar situation as a teenager. I had one parent who pretty much did everything wrong a parent could, and one parent who was continually pointing them out to me. It really stunk at every turn to have your loyalty questioned. Her children will eventually learn all their father has done on their own, there is no reason for her to fill in the blanks. In the end, this can do more damage, with her kids resenting her. It sounds like your friend is extremely bitter, which she has every right to be, but, her children need to draw their own conclusions.

 

[ticktock]

No the mother shouldn't dwell on it with them, or try to twist their emotions but they should know the truth about their father. This will be hard on them cause who wants to know part of your genetic makeup is a scumbag? I seriously doubt the kids will grow to disrespect the father on their own. People make excuses for those they love. This woman obviously sat at home making excuses for her jerk of a husband while he was out with the girl friend, for years! How are the kids going to be any different?

The mother should not mentaly abuse her children like this though. They should be told the bare facts of the matter, than she should say " I feel so hurt and betrayed right now that I don't think I should discuss you father with you right now. If you need to talk to someone about this you can talk to a family member or a counselor OK?

As for her "getting over it" Hah! I wouldn't GET over it, I'd GET a lawyer and GET all his stuff and alimony till he's dead. And to those who said she was probably the problem in the marriage, it doesn't matter if she was a shrew, HE choose to cheat, if he couldn't stand her he should have filed for divorce. I'm so sick of people making excuses for their misdeeds. You control your behavior, what you do is always your responsibility. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[auntpolly]

What does she bring to this friendship?

To quote Dear Abby..."would your life be better with her or without her?"

To be honest she used to be a blast. She was one person that I could always count on having fun with -- she was up for anything. We have done things so silly that I'd be embarrassed to tell you about them.

If it was just a casual friend, I'd have no problem dumping her.

I think I'm going to take PAW's advice and just flip out on her next time and try to shock some sense into her. Knowing her (she's got pretty thick skin) she'll probably just laugh at me. Honestly, one of the things I'm so amazed about is how completely sure that she is doing nothing wrong.

Here's something I thought of today that is a little OT -- do you see the trouble you cause , you idiots that have affairs???? If you are not in love with your wife/husband, get help, get a divorce, whatever, just don't sneak around and be a worm!!!!!!

 

[momof2inPA]

I understand everyone's point about being the better person and not hurting the children, but I've seen so many women get screwed over while doing this. Their kids have to kiss dad's butt when it's time to pay for college, and they end up holding the cheating dad harmless and blameless fort the whole mess he created. Maybe they should be a little ticked off at the guy for ruining their lives.

As a mom, I wouldn't be "proud" that my kid didn't want his cheating dad at a birthday party, but I would be understanding and supportive if he just wanted some space from the guy for a little while.

I know what you're saying Aunt Polly, and I think it might just take time for your friend to get over the situation. How long have they been separated?

 

[poohandwendy]

I understand everyone's point about being the better person and not hurting the children, but I've seen so many women get screwed over while doing this. Their kids have to kiss dad's butt when it's time to pay for college, and they end up holding the cheating dad harmless and blameless fort the whole mess he created. Maybe they should be a little ticked off at the guy for ruining their lives.

I have to respond to this, kids are not stupid. They can very well, on their own, form an opinion. They need the sane parent to be a support system, not someone expecting loyalty to be one sided.

If a child has an idiot parent, the very last thing they need is another parent pointing it out to them. It not only rubs salt inthe wound, but it also serves to make the child feel both of their parents are not-so-nice.

It does not matter how many women get 'screwed over by men', that is not the responsibility of the kids.

It's not up to the kids to pick sides, one way or the other. Left of their own devices, kids tend to just love both parents, not analyze the inner workings of the failed marriage and do not want to be in the center of a battlefield.

What AP describes is not "suportive and understanding', it is taking out the anger you have over your divorce and assigning loyalty requirements.

 

[SillyMe]

To be honest she used to be a blast. She was one person that I could always count on having fun with -- she was up for anything. We have done things so silly that I'd be embarrassed to tell you about them.

If it was just a casual friend, I'd have no problem dumping her.

I think I'm going to take PAW's advice and just flip out on her next time and try to shock some sense into her. Knowing her (she's got pretty thick skin) she'll probably just laugh at me. Honestly, one of the things I'm so amazed about is how completely sure that she is doing nothing wrong.

Here's something I thought of today that is a little OT -- do you see the trouble you cause , you idiots that have affairs???? If you are not in love with your wife/husband, get help, get a divorce, whatever, just don't sneak around and be a worm!!!!!!

You may not always agree with what your friends do with their lives. What she is doing does not affect you directly. What she's doing is wrong, but I do understand why she's doing it. She's obviously too bitter and hurt to see how she is hurting her kids. If you are a good friend, you will not terminate your friendship and you will not be the first to say "I told you so" if and when her kids turn their back on her. You can obviously try to help her by expressing your concerns to her, but a good friend wouldn't turn a back on her.

 

[momof2inPA]

I have to respond to this, kids are not stupid. They can very well, on their own, form an opinion. They need the sane parent to be a support system, not someone expecting loyalty to be one sided.

If a child has an idiot parent, the very last thing they need is another parent pointing it out to them. It not only rubs salt inthe wound, but it also serves to make the child feel both of their parents are not-so-nice.

It does not matter how many women get 'screwed over by men', that is not the responsibility of the kids.

It's not up to the kids to pick sides, one way or the other. Left of their own devices, kids tend to just love both parents, not analyze the inner workings of the failed marriage and do not want to be in the center of a battlefield.

Maybe the mom should just say nothing about the guy, but I see no reason she should pretend like she is half to blame for the situation or like the dad is a saint, when this isn't true. If anything, that would show the kids that it's ok to behave like dad when they grow up and there will be no consequences for that behavior.

I see this in my nephews, who were completely abandoned by their dad when they were little kids. He moved with a new honey to a different state to avoid child support. Their mom never said anything bad about the guy in front of the kids. Now, they think their dad's an ok dude, kinda cool, even though he's still a jerk. I'm afraid they are turning out to be jerks just like their dad. Maybe someone should have stepped in to tell them what the whole world thinks of their dad.

 

[auntpolly]

I know what you're saying Aunt Polly, and I think it might just take time for your friend to get over the situation. How long have they been separated?

Gosh I've lost track of time, a long time. They are just now divorced, and the actual divorce, division of property and stuff went surprisingly well.

I think that this has been a problem for me for at least a year (I've been disturbed by her behaviour), and that's why I've just had it.