Your opinions on this divorced mom, please (long, sorry)

[poohandwendy]

Maybe the mom should just say nothing about the guy, but I see no reason she should pretend like she is half to blame for the situation or like the dad is a saint, when this isn't true. If anything, that would show the kids that it's ok to behave like dad when they grow up and there will be no consequences for that behavior.

No one said she had to behave as if he is a saint. Buit, why do kids need drug into the inner workings of the marriage? They have nothing to do with that. What goes on in a marriage is between the adults, not the kids. And I do not think kids just automatically assume that the actions of their parents, which split up the family, are ok. And they do see the consequences...the family breaking up. Kids are smart enough to get that without it being spelled out in ugly detail.

see this in my nephews, who were completely abandoned by their dad when they were little kids. He moved with a new honey to a different state to avoid child support. Their mom never said anything bad about the guy in front of the kids. Now, they think their dad's an ok dude, kinda cool, even though he's still a jerk. I'm afraid they are turning out to be jerks just like their dad. Maybe someone should have stepped in to tell them what the whole world thinks of their dad.

Why should your nephews have to share the same opinion that other people have?

Maybe they have risen above and found a way to forgive him? Why is that such a horrible thing? Maybe they, deep down, are able to see him for what he is but they want to have a relationship with him anyways?

 

[momof2inPA]

Why should your nephews have to share the same opinion that other people have?

Maybe they have risen above and found a way to forgive him? Why is that such a horrible thing? Maybe they, deep down, are able to see him for what he is but they want to have a relationship with him anyways?

To forgive is not a horrible thing, but to repeat what their dad did would be, and I'm pretty sure they don't see him for what he is and don't even know about the child support issues.

 

[poohandwendy]

To forgive is not a horrible thing, but to repeat what their dad did would be, and I'm pretty sure they don't see him for what he is and don't even know about the child support issues.

Pointing out his flaws will not prevent them from making the same poor choices he did, unfortunately. It just doesn't work that way. His actions are not a dominant gene they carry, the choices will be theirs.

Btw, no one actually sees anyone for 'what they are', people get small glimpses and form opinions based on their own ideas and experiences. There is no 'whole' truth about someone. Only perceptions.

So, for someone to say, "They don't see him for what he really is", well...they see him for what he is to them. That is what matters.

 

[momof2inPA]

There is no 'whole' truth about someone. Only perceptions.

Well, I didn't need to live inside this guy's skin 24 hours a day to know what a jerk he was. If I told you the whole story, you wouldn't believe it. I belive there are some truly bad, evil people and it's ok to call them on it. Am I saying that eveyone who has an affair or gets divorced is evil? No, but this guy is.

 

[poohandwendy]

Well, I didn't need to live inside this guy's skin 24 hours a day to know what a jerk he was. If I told you the whole story, you wouldn't believe it. I belive there are some truly bad, evil people and it's ok to call them on it. Am I saying that eveyone who has an affair or gets divorced is evil? No, but this guy is.

And he may be..but that is for them to figure out. If he is harmful to the kids, their mother should take the issue to court and have his rights to see them removed. If not, then their relationship with him is no one elses business.

Pointing out his flaws to the kids (especially if one is to use the words truly bad and evil)...well, be prepared that the kids may form a negative opinion of the person calling their parent those things. It is unnecessary to do that to kids. They have the right to form their own opinion without others intruding on the relationship they have with their parent.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just wanted to add, people are going to do whatever they want.

Just wanted to let you all know that my mother made it clear I was spawn of Satan. I heard it in the tone she used, it the things she said directly to me and to others in my presence. Well, after years of that, I figured I must be spawn of Satan and birthed by an idiot. After all, she chose him to be my father. I didn't.

I was told that my bad qualities came from him, even though I never met him until I was 27.

I was told that ''he probably would have stuck around if I had been a boy'' (I was the third DD and they divorced when I was an infant). I will never, ever forget that conversation. I was 26 years old and I remember the road we were drving on. When suggesting that it wasn't really a nice thing to say to me, my mother said "I am just trying to give you an idea of what he is really like"...I asked her, "Did he ever say that to you?, "No, but I know he would have liked a boy"

Meanwhile, this conversation of what my father is really like, is taking place 25 years after the last time she laid eyes on him or talked to him.

I was told that getting in touch with him was disloyal and cruel to her. Even though I did everything in my power to reassure her that I loved her and that my wanting to meet him had nothing to do with that. And it didn't and my opinion of her never changed at all once meeting him. The only thing that changed was her attitude towards me.

The only kind thing my mother ever said about my father, to this day, is that he was a good dancer. She was married to him for 7 years and had 3 children with him. I heard he didn't love me, didn't want me, was a horrible person....you name it.

It didn't make me hate him, it made me curious as to what he was really like and it made me mad at her for hurting me. Ph, as a child she had me. i was bitter towards him and hated him. When I had children I started to want to know this other side of me. I because curious. Not as to whether she was wrong about him...but curious as to what my opinion of him would be.

One thing I do know is that he abandoned me when I was young and made tons of mistakes, but he never, ever said a bad word about my mother. He never made any attempt to undermine or poison my opinion of her. I thank him for that.

Ilove my mother and we are close in may ways, but we absolutely cannot discuss this issue. It causes nothing but pain. Just trying to give a perspective through the eyes of the adult child in the situation.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I just wanted to add, people are going to do whatever they want.

Just wanted to let you all know that my mother made it clear I was spawn of Satan. I heard it in the tone she used, it the things she said directly to me and to others in my presence. Well, after years of that, I ffigured I must be spawn of Satan and birthed by an idiot. After all, she chose him to be my father. I didn't.

I was told that my bad qualities came from him, even though I never met him until I was 27.

I was told that ''he probably would have stuck around if I had been a boy'' (I was the third DD and they divorced when I was an infant). I will never, ever forget that conversation. I was 26 years old and I remember the road we were drving on. When suggesting that it wasn't really a nice thing to say to me, my mother said "I am just trying to give you an idea of what he is really like"...I asked her, "Did he ever say that to you?, "No, but I know he would have liked a boy"

Meanwhile, this conversation of what my father is really like, is taking place 25 years after the last time she laid eyes on him or talked to him.

I was told that getting in touch with him was disloyal and cruel to her. Even though I did everything in my power to reassure her that I loved her and that my wanting to meet him had nothing to do with that. And it didn't and my opinion of her never changed at all once meeting him. The only thing that changed was her attitude towards me.

The only kind thing my mother ever said about my father, to this day, is that he was a good dancer. She was married to him for 7 years and had 3 children with him. I heard he didn't love me, didn't want me, was a horrible person....you name it.

It didn't make me hate him, it made me curious as to what he was really like and it made me mad at her for hurting me.

One thing I do know is that he abandoned me when I was young and made tons of mistakes, but he never, ever said a bad word about my mother. He never made any attempt to undermine or poison my opinion of her. I thank him for that.

Just trying to give a perspective through the eyes of the adult child in the situation.

I am so sorry you were hurt that way sweetie!

I think it is horrible to make any child choose and feel that way. I do know that YOU got the best of both of your parents and you are near and dear to MY heart.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am so sorry you were hurt that way sweetie!

I think it is horrible to make any child choose and feel that way. I do know that YOU got the best of both of your parents and you are near and dear to MY heart.

Awww, thanks. Right back atcha babe!

My mother is a normally sane person who really does have a heart, this issue is just one she sees sort of with a blind rage, kwim? But, it's all good,. I just wanted to illustrate how hurtful it can be to be on the receiving side of the bitterness of the divorce (even though I was only a byproduct of the marriage)

He did her wrong, he did us wrong, she did us wrong...life goes on. Lesson learned for me and my sisters.

 

[momof2inPA]

PAW,

Even though I would NEVER say anything to my nephews, I hope they realize what a jerk their dad was and the steps their mom had to go to to support two kids, with no father and no support. Maybe since the guy isn't giving them a dime for college, they will realize it, but it just seems they give him every break-- and their mom says nothing. He'll probably try to play a major role in their lives when the kids are out of college and they wouldn't need any money from him.

I feel bad for you and your mom, PAW. It was probably hard to be a single mom with three kids, one a little baby, 30 years ago.

 

[poohandwendy]

PAW,

Even though I would NEVER say anything to my nephews, I hope they realize what a jerk their dad was and the steps their mom had to go to to support two kids, with no father and no support. Maybe since the guy isn't giving them a dime for college, they will realize it, but it just seems they give him every break-- and their mom says nothing. He'll probably try to play a major role in their lives when the kids are out of college and they wouldn't need any money from him.

I feel bad for you and your mom, PAW. It was probably hard to be a single mom with three kids, one a little baby, 30 years ago.

You could be right. It could be that the kids have a need to have him in their lives and take whatever they can get from him. That does not mean that they do not understand the real situation here and the sacrifices their mother made.

I absolutely respect all that my mother did and sacrificed to raise us. She is an inspiration in that way. But, that does not void out the wrong of pitting us against our father. They are 2 separate issues.

And it was horribly rough, her raising 3 kids alone for a while. (well, I was an exceptionally wonderful baby, so that helped )And it was rough remarrying and working on a step family later. She did a great job. I just wish that we weren't used as pawns in a battle we didn't cause. It was unnecessary and caused some lasting hard feelings. I realy believe that if she knew then what she does now, she would have taken another approach.

She once told me she worried that he would tell us somethng bad about her that would turn us against her. My response was, "You tried that route, it didn't work. Why do you think it would work for him? " She did laugh at that.

There is nothing he (or aything else) could have ever said that would have made me turn my back on my mother. Nothing. She is my mother.

 

[va32h]

Well, after years of that, I figured I must be spawn of Satan and birthed by an idiot. After all, she chose him to be my father. I didn't.

I was just going to post the same thing!

Aunt Polly, maybe you could point out to your friend that by constantly harping on her ex's flaws, she is only pointing out what a fool she was to stay with him for so long.

And she is telling her kids that 50% of their genetic makeup is rotten.

I am very angry with my husband right now (we are separated). Although it physically pains me to hear my daughter tell me that it's all my fault and that she hates me for ruining her life (all the while putting her dad on a pedestal) I have been biting my tongue and just telling her over and over again that I am doing what I think is best, and I hope she understands one day.

 

[poohandwendy]

I was just going to post the same thing!

Aunt Polly, maybe you could point out to your friend that by constantly harping on her ex's flaws, she is only pointing out what a fool she was to stay with him for so long.

And she is telling her kids that 50% of their genetic makeup is rotten.

I am very angry with my husband right now (we are separated). Although it physically pains me to hear my daughter tell me that it's all my fault and that she hates me for ruining her life (all the while putting her dad on a pedestal) I have been biting my tongue and just telling her over and over again that I am doing what I think is best, and I hope she understands one day.

I am really sorry you are going through that right now. I think it is a normal part of the kids grieving process to place blame and I would be surprised if she didn't go back in forth on her mind...your fault, his fault, your fault...etc.

Just remember, the cream rises to the top. Ruse above and you are the better person and your DD will thank you for keeping an adult attitude through it. You are also setting a good example, IMO.

I am sure there are times where it is next to impossble to not say what is on your mind. Hey, you are human. But, you are doing her a HUGE favor by sparing her. And trust me, she WILL understand some day. And she iwll respect you all the more for your ability to rise above in the middle of the muck. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[auntpolly]

I'm sorry that I brought so many bad memories and experiences, really. But it really makes me think. There are so many hard things that happen to us, but when we are parents we really have to try to rise above them for our children.

I can see what my friend is doing to her kids. That's really not a question. It's not right. I don't care how hurt she is, she doesn't have the right to take her kids down with her.

I'm going to be brutally honest with her. I won't even respect myself if I don't.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I'm sorry that I brought so many bad memories and experiences, really. But it really makes me think. There are so many hard things that happen to us, but when we are parents we really have to try to rise above them for our children.

I can see what my friend is doing to her kids. That's really not a question. It's not right. I don't care how hurt she is, she doesn't have the right to take her kids down with her.

I'm going to be brutally honest with her. I won't even respect myself if I don't.

Good for you sweetie!!!! I know it wil be hard but maybe it will make her wake up.....

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm sorry that I brought so many bad memories and experiences, really.

Lovey, I hope you know me well enough to know I am tough enough to handle it.

I wouldn't even go there if it was too painful to talk about. I think it is a really important issue and if discussing my experiences even gives one person food for thought, great.

I am glad you are going to be honest with her, I hope it makes her think about it.

 

[NMAmy]

I was just going to post the same thing!

Aunt Polly, maybe you could point out to your friend that by constantly harping on her ex's flaws, she is only pointing out what a fool she was to stay with him for so long.

And she is telling her kids that 50% of their genetic makeup is rotten.

I am very angry with my husband right now (we are separated). Although it physically pains me to hear my daughter tell me that it's all my fault and that she hates me for ruining her life (all the while putting her dad on a pedestal) I have been biting my tongue and just telling her over and over again that I am doing what I think is best, and I hope she understands one day.

Bless your heart, I've been right where you are. It really helped me to realize that I was the only one dd felt she could truly count on to be there no matter what she said or did which was why all her anger came out on me. Her dad left and she was hurt and upset and she couldn't say it to HIM because she didn't know WHAT he would do if she made him upset. However, she knew that I would always be there and love her unconditionally which made me the only target she had for her anger.

She will understand one day-- once she gets the anger out. I know it's so hard what with everything else going on but be strong; it will get better.

 

[NMAmy]

Infielity is never acceptable, but happy spouses who feel loved and appreciated don't cheat.

You know, Disney Doll, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound that way but generalizations like this are very hurtful to people who have been in a situation like this through no fault of their own. If someone is unhappy in their marital situations for whatever reason, they should have enough character to break off that relationship before starting another.

I don't think there is an excuse to justify an affair--although plenty of cheaters will try to blame their spouses in order to make themselves feel less guilty. Most people who have been betrayed feel hurt enough without others heaping this kind of judgement on them.

 

[auntpolly]

You know, Disney Doll, I'm sure you didn't mean to sound that way but generalizations like this are very hurtful to people who have been in a situation like this through no fault of their own. If someone is unhappy in their marital situations for whatever reason, they should have enough character to break off that relationship before starting another.

I don't think there is an excuse to justify an affair--although plenty of cheaters will try to blame their spouses in order to make themselves feel less guilty. Most people who have been betrayed feel hurt enough without others heaping this kind of judgement on them.

Yeah, I agree. I can understand divorce. If your wife/husband is so bad, get one. But cheaters are just weak, stupid cowards.

 

[va32h]

Infielity is never acceptable, but happy spouses who feel loved and appreciated don't cheat.

Actually, I agree with this. The problem comes when the cheating spouse defines "loved and appreciated" as "you do everything I want, the way I want, but I don't have to do anything for you."

 

[Wishing on a star]

Infielity is never acceptable, but happy spouses who feel loved and appreciated don't cheat.

Well, now this thread has gone majorly off topic!!!

But, to say that happy spouses who feel loved and appreciated don't cheat....

Ummm, nope, decent people who love their spouses don't cheat.

I see where DD was going with that comment, but I could not disagree more.


P&W - Love your posts! When you said how you would probably respond by finally having heard enough and going off, I had to crack up. That would probably be my reaction too. Unless I just knew it wouldn't do anything but make matters worse. In that case, I would probaby just end up withdrawing from the friendship.

You know, have the strength and courage to change the things you can, to accept the reality of those you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.