Your DD is just as mean she just says it nicer. What?????

[melissapealo]

Thanks for the feedback. Just to answer a few of the comments.

DD does get in trouble for arguing or being mean to my niece. I can't punish my niece but I can punish DD. But she doesn't have some passive agressive mean girl thing going on. She can be a little bossy and I know that really makes my niece mad and its something she gets in trouble for. And she always tattles and I know that really makes my neice mad. And its also something we have discussed with her and although I don't punish her for it we are trying to help her understand when you should tattle and when you should ignore something and just do your own thing. You don't need to tattle because the other person doesn't want to play what you want to play. Just find something to do on your own and move on, you know.


There are issues with my sister and I. I wish she would grow up. I wish she would be a better parent, or a parent at all sometimes. I wish my parents would quit enabling her behavior. But I can't change any of this and I try to stay out of it as much as I can to the extent that it doesn't involve me.

Someone said something about me monitoring what they buy, but its more the other way around. We actually try not to discuss things we purchase or don't purchase. And there's more to this then just realizing that you might enjoy something because someone else gets it. Its more of a keeping up thing and we just don't play. Its just hard for DD sometimes I think to understand that just because niece got xyz doesn't mean DD will when DD knows that if she get abc that niece will get it. We did our 1 and only trip to Disney with all of them a couple years ago and my DH said he will never go with them again for the sole fact that he can't stand how they have to go behind and make sure that niece gets everything DD gets. They would purchase the souveniers they wanted and I didn't rush in and get it for DD just because. She had to pick and choose what she wanted to spend her money on and she waited and only purchased the things she truly wanted.

I know the only person I can work on is DD. And we do. But she doesn't have these problems with other friends. She gets along great with the girls at school and her best friend outside of school. She really is a sweet kid and would never even think of telling my niece that she hated her. She was asking the other day to have a sleepover and named off 4 or 5 little girls and i said no, only two and she immediately cut out everyone but my niece and said she would have to think about who to invite as the other person.

I love my niece and its so hard to watch the two girls go through this. I just don't tolerate it when they are at my house and they tend to act better once they get in the groove of it and realize that I just don't tolerate it, from either of them. I think things would be better if my parents would put their foot down with my niece a little more. It might make her mad now but it would be so much better for her in the long run.

I'm wondering if some of the problems between the girls is them knowing of the tension in the family. I know we try to hide problems from children, but they can sense that something isn't right and maybe they're acting on it. I'm certainly not trying to judge you, but just a suggestion.
Why do you care if they get the same things for your niece? That sounds like a jealousy issue on your end. I think thats a silly reason for deciding to never take a trip with them again.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think this is a big part of my issue. Everything is strings attached for us. She'll keep DS, which I pay for, but she needs us to take niece to school so she doesn't have to take him out in the mornings.

And its an issue with me towards my sister because I really wish she would get up off her lazy butt and take her own kid to school. But they can't count on her even being home in the morning to take niece even if she says she will. And I wish that she would be a parent so they didn't have to. Then maybe they could be grandparents to both girls. (its all different with DS)

I like knowing that my DS is with someone every day that loves him since he can't be with me. And my DH insists that we take my niece even when my mom doesn't have DS because he doesn't think it should fall on her to have to and he knows my sis won't.

Its just a messed up situation all the way around. And I know that the only way to change it is to remove us from the equation but it really sucks to feel that way about your family.

The ill will you have for your sister and mom is spilling over to your dd and that is where the hostility is coming from more than likely.

In other words, YOU and YOUR DH are expecting small children to behave well in a tension filled situation.

That is just setting them up in a trap they are unable to get out of AND they know they can "play" the adults here.

Your dd and the niece are trying to manipulate the adults here with their behavior. Hopefully you can see that. When things are messed up, kids try and find all the "weak points" to get their way, fill a need, get even, etc....

OH and yes I agree with a PP that said they act more like sibs instead of cousins. If you have more kids close in age you would see that sometimes sibs bicker all the time to the point of madness.

We use SILENCE as a way of "control" for car rides. It does work well. We say the new rule is no talking in the car.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I don't think it's healthy to subject your entire family to this sort of stress just to save a little bit of money on your son's daycare. It seems to me you are keeping your son there to keep a foot in the door on your place in your parents home, in that family because you feel eclipsed by your sisters presence.

Can I ask how old is your son and how long do you expect to keep this arrangement up?

My 2 cents, FWIW, your daughter deserves better than this and you do too. Whether you realize it or not your parents favoritism of your sister is being transferred into how they treat your kids and you are giving it a nod by going along with it. If you want to raise a daughter with good self esteem YOU need to put her first, stop this negative cycle and forget about the rest of the world.

There is no winning this situation, no matter how right you are and wrong they are nothing is ever going to change. All you can do is minimize the damage.

 

[Wall-E1]

There are issues with my sister and I. I wish she would grow up. I wish she would be a better parent, or a parent at all sometimes. I wish my parents would quit enabling her behavior. But I can't change any of this and I try to stay out of it as much as I can to the extent that it doesn't involve me.

I understand that you are frustrated, but are you able to see any issues with yourself, as it pertains to your sister? You really seem to be putting your sister down with these comments. It almost seems like passive aggressive behavior.

I know the only person I can work on is DD. And we do. But she doesn't have these problems with other friends. She gets along great with the girls at school and her best friend outside of school. She really is a sweet kid and would never even think of telling my niece that she hated her. She was asking the other day to have a sleepover and named off 4 or 5 little girls and i said no, only two and she immediately cut out everyone but my niece and said she would have to think about who to invite as the other person.

It seems that your daughter likes her niece just fine, other than the bickering that happens in many family/sibling relationships.

I love my niece and its so hard to watch the two girls go through this. I just don't tolerate it when they are at my house and they tend to act better once they get in the groove of it and realize that I just don't tolerate it, from either of them. I think things would be better if my parents would put their foot down with my niece a little more. It might make her mad now but it would be so much better for her in the long run.

It might also be better if you to put your foot down. If others have told you that your daughter acts the same way when you are not around, maybe you should consider that as being accurate. I can't tell if you ground your daughter for her behavior or not. You kind of made conflicting statements about that...

DD does get in trouble for arguing or being mean to my niece. I can't punish my niece but I can punish DD. But she doesn't have some passive agressive mean girl thing going on. She can be a little bossy and I know that really makes my niece mad and its something she gets in trouble for. And she always tattles and I know that really makes my neice mad. And its also something we have discussed with her and although I don't punish her for it we are trying to help her understand when you should tattle and when you should ignore something and just do your own thing.

In either case, I doubt you'll be able to stop sibling/family bickering all together, especially with kids.

 

[tlbwriter]

Its just a messed up situation all the way around. And I know that the only way to change it is to remove us from the equation but it really sucks to feel that way about your family.

Well, you're not removing yourself from the family, you're just removing your mom as a paid caretaker. You wouldn't accept this behavior from any other paid caretaker, so there's no reason to accept it from your mother. The fact that she loves your children does not mean she's the best person for them to spend the day with. Favoritism hurts (unless you're the favorite, of course) and they are going to pick up on that at a very early age. Also, your sister is not a good role model for them to be exposed to on a daily basis.

 

[rie'smom]

1. Cousins fight. My daughter and my niece are/were close. It depends on the day and the week. My daughter tells it straight while my niece couches ugly things with nice talk.
Also realize that your niece feels that your daughter is lucky because she is in a home with both parents who love her. Granted, she's with your mom but she sees that her mom is irresponsible and not there for her which probably makes her feel both sad and jealous.

2. Get your own sitter or let your child stay in aftercare. A big problem is they're with each other too much. Don't take your niece to school. By doing this you are enabling your sister to continue her behavior.

3. Leaving your son at your mom's house is not good because obviously the deck is stacked against her.

4. So what if your family runs out and gets stuff for your niece-least of the problem.

 

[RadioNate]

Send your DS to daycare. Tell your DD that no one likes a bossy tattletale. Take your own kid to & from school. Let your mother & sister work out their own relationship & the care of your niece. Live your own life. Disengage!

 

[dis-happy]

Send your DS to daycare. Tell your DD that no one likes a bossy tattletale. Take your own kid to & from school. Let your mother & sister work out their own relationship & the care of your niece. Live your own life. Disengage!

 

[kt_mom]

Is this the first time she got something before your dd got the same item?

/

Umm, no and DD will not be getting an Xbox. She also will not be getting a go go my walkin pup that she wants very badly. We don't buy her things just because other people have them. We're trying to teach her to choose what she really wants and live with it. She chose something else at Christmas. That's not to say that we will never buy her something that she sees at someone else's house and likes. Just that we won't go out and buy it for her just because someone else has it. And choosing one thing may mean giving up the opportunity to get something else. But you just can't always have both. DD gets a certain amount of money on vacation and she has to choose what she wants to spend it on. Prior to the trip this was discussed and their seemed to be a mutual understanding. DD saw niece purchase something and said she wanted one. I knew she didn't really want it but seeing someone buy something can make a kid want it. After discussing she opted not to purchase it and spend her money elsewhere. Fast forward and all nieces money is gone and DD decides to make a purchase. Niece wants it and its purchased for her. It just kind of undermines what we're trying to teach DD. Niece was in a store with my mom buying something and DD was outside. We see someone with pins and go look to trade. As DD is finishing trade with CM neice comes up and gets upset because DD got the pin niece wanted. I get lecture about how we need to make sure they take turns when pin trading and that I should have waited for niece to come out and then whoever's turn should go first. So my mom goes back into the store and buys niece the pin she didn't get to trade for.

As far as being objective, my mom is to the other extreme when it comes to my niece. My dad is actually fairly objective and harder on both girls then the rest of them but its not enough because he's not around them as much. My parents would never have put up with this from either me or my sister growing up. And if they see DD be mean or nasty I expect at the very least that they let me know so I can discipline her but I'd rather them deal with it on some level in the moment. My grandma would have whiped our butts for acting like that. They can't come back after the fact when I have a specific instance of niece being nasty to dd and say well dd is mean sometimes too. Either deal with it in the moment or let me know so that I can.

 

[tlbwriter]

DD gets a certain amount of money on vacation and she has to choose what she wants to spend it on. Prior to the trip this was discussed and their seemed to be a mutual understanding. DD saw niece purchase something and said she wanted one. I knew she didn't really want it but seeing someone buy something can make a kid want it. After discussing she opted not to purchase it and spend her money elsewhere. Fast forward and all nieces money is gone and DD decides to make a purchase. Niece wants it and its purchased for her. It just kind of undermines what we're trying to teach DD. Niece was in a store with my mom buying something and DD was outside. We see someone with pins and go look to trade. As DD is finishing trade with CM neice comes up and gets upset because DD got the pin niece wanted. I get lecture about how we need to make sure they take turns when pin trading and that I should have waited for niece to come out and then whoever's turn should go first. So my mom goes back into the store and buys niece the pin she didn't get to trade for.

Two good reasons, IMHO, for these girls to spend less time together, especially in your mother's company. Not only is your mother undermining the lessons you're trying to teach, but she's also showing very blatant favoritism (if your niece had traded for that pin instead of your DD, would she have responded the same way? doubt it!). Yes, other kid are always going to have things she doesn't have, and someone will always be spoiled - that's a lesson she has to learn. But she doesn't need to learn it from her own grandmother. That's just cruel. And kids do remember this.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

Sorry for this. Sounds like lots of drama.

 

[kt_mom]

Send your DS to daycare. Tell your DD that no one likes a bossy tattletale. Take your own kid to & from school. Let your mother & sister work out their own relationship & the care of your niece. Live your own life. Disengage!

Thanks, and I've thought about it. DS is not with my mom to save money. In reality it doesn't save us much. It was great piece of mind when I went back to work and he was only 3 months old. But its a better option now that he's almost 9 months old. He's still a baby but they don't feel a fragile I guess, I don't know.

We've told DD that and she gets in trouble for it. She looses priveleges for her part in things. Trust me it doesn't just annoy my niece it annoys us too. And my DH gets on both of them in the car becuase he says it takes two to fight.

It's hard to disengage. Its hard to realize that your kids won't have the relationship with your parents that you had with theirs.

 

[kt_mom]

Two good reasons, IMHO, for these girls to spend less time together, especially in your mother's company. Not only is your mother undermining the lessons you're trying to teach, but she's also showing very blatant favoritism (if your niece had traded for that pin instead of your DD, would she have responded the same way? doubt it!). Yes, other kid are always going to have things she doesn't have, and someone will always be spoiled - that's a lesson she has to learn. But she doesn't need to learn it from her own grandmother. That's just cruel. And kids do remember this.

Thank you for seeing this. I don't think it was clear before what I was saying about buying things the other one has or the extent of it I guess.

 

[dis-happy]

Lots of posters have mentioned the logical solution of removing your children from the situation and finding alternate childcare but you don't seem to be responding to this idea. Are you financially dependent on your parents for reduced price childcare? If so, your situation isn't much different than your sister's.

Your own family (you, dh, dd, ds) is the most important thing you have to focus on, and the only thing you can control at this time. You need to do everything you can to do what is best for YOUR family, including protecting your dd from having to spend her time fighting with your niece. Put those needs first, and do whatever it takes to raise your family the way you want it to be.

By constantly having the girls together you will be teaching your dd to act more and more like her cousin. Is that what you want? Like any bad influence, if constantly exposed, it brings the child down. Since your dd has lots of good friends and healthy relationships at school, maybe you could look into paying another mom (or two) for afterschool care for your dd, at least until the end of this school year.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Wow, I lived this situation and have a couple of thoughts.

Your mom is essnetially the mother figure for your niece. She is trying to over compensate for the lack of parenting. It's called guilt and love mixed together.

Your daughter and niece are bickering and fighting because they spend alot o time together.Think siblings because that is what siblings do. You may not appreciate the way your niece does it but it sounds like typical siblings arguing to me. I had a cousin but a boy and we are 3 months apart. We could fight more than brothers and sisters.

Your niece is jealous I imagine. She knows that her situation is screwed up. She sees your daughter having a stable 2 parent home and she knows that her mother figure is her grandmother. She sees a mommy/daddy picking up or dropping off but it's never hers.

Your sister is buying all this useless stuff for your niece to overcompensate for what she can't give her which is 2 parents or maybe even stable parenting from herself. There were days my mom would just throw stuff at me to try to make it all better. It's one way to feel superior that her daughter has this or that while you don't. It's petty sure but it's way of coping.

You have to learn to do with the family you have and not the one you want. You don't like the way your sister acts and you think your mom favors your sister. The simple fact is that you don't have to live that life everyday. I imagine it can't be easy for anyone in your mom's household. I imagine your sister is just as jealous of you also. We all say it's easy to overcome and go on and have a happy ever after but it really isn't and some people aren't built for the hard road.

Figure out some ground rules. It sounds like no one is consistent with the rules. If your daughter is running her mouth at grandma's, grandma should call her on it just like you should be able to call your niece on it. They aren't being parented from all sides and have learned to play the angles.

Good luck sounds like it's a big headache.

 

[kt_mom]

Lots of posters have mentioned the logical solution of removing your children from the situation and finding alternate childcare but you don't seem to be responding to this idea. Are you financially dependent on your parents for reduced childcare? If so, your situation isn't much different than your sister's.

Your own family (you, dh, dd, ds) is the most important thing you have to focus on, and the only thing you can control at this time. You need to do everything you can to do what is best for YOUR family, including protecting your dd from having to spend her time fighting with your niece. Put those needs first, and do whatever it takes to raise your family the way you want it to be.

By constantly having the girls together you will be teaching your dd to act more and more like her cousin. Is that what you want? Like any bad influence, if constantly exposed, it brings the child down. Since your dd has lots of good friends and healthy relationships at school, maybe you could look into paying another mom (or two) for afterschool care for your dd, at least until the end of this school year.

You know, I would never post something on the disboards like this and not expect some harsh or direct feedback. In fact its a reason I chose to post it here. I know I'm not perfect in this and sometimes its nice to have strangers say hey its okay to limit interaction with family or you need to be harsher on your dd for her part, etc.

I do however resent the comparison of my mom babysitting my child which I pay almost the same amount as I would to any other local person that keeps kids in their home to my sister who is 27 and still lives at home, has to use their car, and doesn't really pay a dime to them for her or her daughter. I don't think its comparible. I'm not dependent on them, its not a money issue.

I could pay someone else and had planned to. My mom was laid off and offered to keep DS. It kept me from having to send him to a stranger. I offered to pay her a small amount. When their money got tight and she asked for more and I paid her more.

And no I don't want a bad influence on my child. I also don't want my niece to be the bad influence. I love her and I want her to be happy. And I don't think she is and I think she lashes out at DD because of it. And all the buying things in the world won't change that. It just hurts both girls in the long run.

 

[kt_mom]

Wow, I lived this situation and have a couple of thoughts.

Your mom is essnetially the mother figure for your niece. She is trying to over compensate for the lack of parenting. It's called guilt and love mixed together.

Your daughter and niece are bickering and fighting because they spend alot o time together.Think siblings because that is what siblings do. You may not appreciate the way your niece does it but it sounds like typical siblings arguing to me. I had a cousin but a boy and we are 3 months apart. We could fight more than brothers and sisters.

Your niece is jealous I imagine. She knows that her situation is screwed up. She sees your daughter having a stable 2 parent home and she knows that her mother figure is her grandmother. She sees a mommy/daddy picking up or dropping off but it's never hers.

Your sister is buying all this useless stuff for your niece to overcompensate for what she can't give her which is 2 parents or maybe even stable parenting from herself. There were days my mom would just throw stuff at me to try to make it all better. It's one way to feel superior that her daughter has this or that while you don't. It's petty sure but it's way of coping.

You have to learn to do with the family you have and not the one you want. You don't like the way your sister acts and you think your mom favors your sister. The simple fact is that you don't have to live that life everyday. I imagine it can't be easy for anyone in your mom's household. I imagine your sister is just as jealous of you also. We all say it's easy to overcome and go on and have a happy ever after but it really isn't and some people aren't built for the hard road.

Figure out some ground rules. It sounds like no one is consistent with the rules. If your daughter is running her mouth at grandma's, grandma should call her on it just like you should be able to call your niece on it. They aren't being parented from all sides and have learned to play the angles.

Good luck sounds like it's a big headache.

Thanks, this is basically how it is.

 

[dis-happy]

You know, I would never post something on the disboards like this and not expect some harsh or direct feedback. In fact its a reason I chose to post it here. I know I'm not perfect in this and sometimes its nice to have strangers say hey its okay to limit interaction with family or you need to be harsher on your dd for her part, etc.

I do however resent the comparison of my mom babysitting my child which I pay almost the same amount as I would to any other local person that keeps kids in their home to my sister who is 27 and still lives at home, has to use their car, and doesn't really pay a dime to them for her or her daughter. I don't think its comparible. I'm not dependent on them, its not a money issue.

I could pay someone else and had planned to. My mom was laid off and offered to keep DS. It kept me from having to send him to a stranger. I offered to pay her a small amount. When their money got tight and she asked for more and I paid her more.

And no I don't want a bad influence on my child. I also don't want my niece to be the bad influence. I love her and I want her to be happy. And I don't think she is and I think she lashes out at DD because of it. And all the buying things in the world won't change that. It just hurts both girls in the long run.

Really, I didn't mean to come off as harsh. In VA (where I used to live) you can't get childcare for an infant for anywhere near $75. per week; that's only $15. per day. So it sounded like there might be a financial consideration for staying in a bad situation.

The relationship between your dd and niece (and your dd and her grandparents) might very well improve if they don't spend so much time together. What you described just sounds so toxic and harmful to your dd. In the end, (as I said previously) your family is the only thing you can control. You can't control your sister, you can't control your mother, you can't control your niece. Step away and do what's best for your dd.




ETA: link to typcial childcare costs in VA: http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/ofc/Avcostcare.htm

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks, and I've thought about it. DS is not with my mom to save money. In reality it doesn't save us much. It was great piece of mind when I went back to work and he was only 3 months old. But its a better option now that he's almost 9 months old. He's still a baby but they don't feel a fragile I guess, I don't know.

We've told DD that and she gets in trouble for it. She looses priveleges for her part in things. Trust me it doesn't just annoy my niece it annoys us too. And my DH gets on both of them in the car becuase he says it takes two to fight.

It's hard to disengage. Its hard to realize that your kids won't have the relationship with your parents that you had with theirs.

I know it is hard for you to disengage and realize this.

However it is not a good enough excuse to continue to subject your children to this family tension either.

Try out daycare and TAKE A BREAK from this situation. See how it goes.

You might find out that things improve between your sister, mom, and niece.

 

[RadioFanatic]

OP, I understand as my SIL lives with my MIL and FIL with her son. MIL/FIL also watch him while she works. So guess who gets the most attention? Not my son which hurts my dh tremendously. And the funny thing is they deny it - but you know what, bc they live with them - they are the parents - they spend the most time with my nephew. Do we hate it? Yes. But we have said something, they denied it, now it's time to either move on or move away (emotionally/physically). We have moved away emotionally. We have another issue which I'm actually going to start a new thread on, but on this issue, that's what we decided to do. Good luck!