OK your dueling banjos music is cracking me up.
I hate to fly also -- this is what I do
1. drink alcohol, but not too much, I want to have my wits about me if we are crashing and I have to beat the other guy to the emergency exit

.
2. I always buy a stack of trashy magazines - Star, People, National Enquirer. DH will say "Why do you buy that garbage?", very loudly as I"m paying, then he will fight me the rest of the flight to read them.
3. I always, always say a preflight prayer. You should have seen me when I flew alone without DH or kids. I was praying like a fool, the guy next to me tried to interrupt to ask me something -- OK wait until the AMEN dude.
4. Then I stick my head in the magazine and don't pull it out again until we land. Once the wheels hit to land and I thought we were still in the air. DH was cracking up because you practically had to peel me off the ceiling. I thought we were crashing for sure.
5. Followed up by my Praise the Lord, thank you for letting me arrive safely again prayer.
For some reason the flight back never bothers me that much. Probably because once I've been to Disney I figure I can die happy. It is nice to hop on a plane at 5 in Philly and be in sunny Orlando by 8:30 ish. Now DH keeps talking about a trip to Hawaii! I have flown to CA and that was ROUGH. I kept asking the flight attendant, what state we are over? She would go I don't know and then I would say go ask the pilot please. She looked like she was ready to boot me out the emergency exit!
Good LUck!!