WWYD?

[sam_gordon]

I think you need to be flexible.

She may want you there, might not.

Might want lots of help right off, maybe not until later, maybe not for a long while.

If you get any feeling they don’t want you around, just leave without hurt feelings.

Not picking on you, using it as a jumping off point (multiple people have brought up similar)...

In addition to being an "overthinker", I'm also the planner. Yes, flexibility is important. But I want to let my bosses know what I'm thinking well ahead of the time so they can make other arrangements if necessary. Even if those arrangements don't need to go into place until the week before. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst" is a decent way of phrasing it.

 

[barkley]

I wouldn't worry about it at this point. your dd/sil may change their minds several times on what they want (and what they want may go out the window post labor/delivery ). It's hard to plan-my kid #1 was given 2 due dates at different points in my pregnancy and did'nt deliver on either, kid #2 was obstinant and was just a day shy of ob making me come in to be induced after being 2 weeks late. them babies arrive on their own timeline.

I honestly would have been fine if one of the grands didnt get to see either of my newborns for up to a week afterward-i was exhausted, the household was exhausted-last thing we wanted to do was have visitors but like I said-wait and see what the mom and dad to be settle on.

 

[fla4fun]

I think you're well-meaning, but overthinking things a bit. I know you're excited! Follow your daughter's lead. Explain things to her, like you have here--you want to be as available as she would like. Give her time to think about what, exactly, that is. Let your boss know the due date (not that babies follow anybody else's schedule), and discuss how things might work.

I agree with this. Talk to her about the fact that you would like to offer your support in the way that works best for the new parents. I assume it’s not a surprise to her that you travel for work, so I would guess that she will be happy you can give them any support at all with such a daunting schedule. So long as she knows you love her and you are happy about becoming a grandpa she isn’t going to hold it against you if you are away on the day she has the baby. That’s what video calls are for (at least according to all the tv commercials).

As far as work goes, once you have discussed logistics with your daughter, perhaps you could plan ahead to take some vacation/PTO that you schedule in advance for after the due date. It could be a couple of weeks after the due date or a couple of months, depending on what you and your daughter agree to. That way, it would be less disruptive to your employer while still giving you the opportunity to be there for the new parents. Your wife will be there if needed for the first few days and it might be nice for them to have someone scheduled to help out later when the new parent’s exhaustion really sets in. Plus, they will have established a schedule and know where the help is really needed, whether it’s running errands, helping around the house, or watching the baby while they get some sleep.

 

[Disneylover99]

I wouldn’t worry about it. If you’re away, you’re away. Call them/face time them.
You’ll see them in person when you’re back. I think business as usual is the way to go.
And congrats!

 

[kdonnel]

Not picking on you, using it as a jumping off point (multiple people have brought up similar)...

In addition to being an "overthinker", I'm also the planner. Yes, flexibility is important. But I want to let my bosses know what I'm thinking well ahead of the time so they can make other arrangements if necessary. Even if those arrangements don't need to go into place until the week before. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst" is a decent way of phrasing it.

I guess I have been lucky, I have always had very understanding bosses and jobs that allowed for flexibility in family matters.

I think just having a discussion about the expected delivery date as a heads up is more than enough at this point.

 

[Mle8308]

Congratulations!!! I agree with others, wait a bit and see how your DD feels and what they want. Give your bosses a heads up when you have some sort of an idea of her due date, but don't over plan too much! She may only want her mom around for a while after the baby is born. It will all work out!

 

[gottalovepluto]

Congratulations!!!

But you’re a grandparent. Your DD doesn’t need you there as soon as the baby pops out since she will have her husband, mom and potentially others. What if she goes into labor while traveling? Exactly what do you think you’re gonna do to change the outcome of that?! Keep your phone charged for updates and when you get home mom and baby will likely be able to see you in the comfort of their own home.

 

[disykat]

My Dad was "my person," my go to for extra support - especially for medical stuff. He was out of the country doing medical mission work in a place and time where even phone calls were difficult sometimes when I had my first child, his first grandchild. It was fine! He met his first grandchild when he was 5 months old. I had my husband, plenty of local support, Mom flew home, and we had other family visiting. I never once felt like he wasn't where he was supposed to be and I knew he would prioritize seeing us as soon as possible!

 

[NannyBeBe]

You will have only one "first grandchild." Ask your daughter what her preferences are. If she tells you she would like you to be there when the baby is born, then you should make every effort to do so. You will treasure those moments.

 

[_19disnA]

I think you should have a conversation with your daughter/son-in-law so everyone is on the same page regarding expectations. Discussing expectations is better than making assumptions about if they do/don't want you to be there when the baby is first born. (Perhaps I missed it, but did you ever say how far away they live? That makes a difference in how long it would take to get there when necessary). I would also mention it to your boss so he/she is aware of that and many companies are flexible in work/travel arrangements, will consider your situation when making that monthly schedule, particularly if you aren't the only person doing the type of work you do.

 

[sam_gordon]

You will have only one "first grandchild." Ask your daughter what her preferences are. If she tells you she would like you to be there when the baby is born, then you should make every effort to do so. You will treasure those moments.

What does the bolded mean though? Do I need to put work on hold for weeks? I'm sure we'll have conversations as the due date gets closer (we're still 6+ months out right now).

 

[sam_gordon]

I think you should have a conversation with your daughter/son-in-law so everyone is on the same page regarding expectations. Discussing expectations is better than making assumptions about if they do/don't want you to be there when the baby is first born.

We will I'm sure. I think any decisions at this point are too early, and subject to change.

(Perhaps I missed it, but did you ever say how far away they live? That makes a difference in how long it would take to get there when necessary).

It's in the OP.

I would also mention it to your boss so he/she is aware of that and many companies are flexible in work/travel arrangements, will consider your situation when making that monthly schedule, particularly if you aren't the only person doing the type of work you do.

Bosses are very family centric. I'm fairly confident they'll give me what I want as long as it's not unreasonable. Hence the thread... what's "reasonable" or "unreasonable" to ask for?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You will have only one "first grandchild."

Well worded like that it makes it sound like it won't be as excitable or yearnful or as much attempt to adhere to the parent's wishes if subsequent grandchildren come.

I know you probably don't mean it that way but emphasis on "only first" seems like a really bad mindset to be in

 

[Sparrow'sLady]

Honestly I don't. I don't know that she's thought that far ahead.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I should be in the room when she gives birth, but is it wrong for me to not be "there"?

IMO, the most important person to be there is her husband. It is an intimate moment.

Talk to her about your schedule. Ask her how she feels. Let her know you respect whatever she feels and you will not take any response personal.

And congrats!!

 

[prairie_girl]

Absolutely not wrong for you not to be there. But everyone is different. Frankly, after I gave birth two times, I didn't want all those people there. My hormone drops were raging and I couldn't take all the people and by "all the people" I really couldn't tolerate anyone more than my mother and my husband. I was over that in about 2 weeks though.

I'm probably the wrong person to take advice from because I can be far too "practical" for some people, but if I were you, as the father of the mom-to-be, I wouldn't change anything and just let it ride. Your wife and SIL will be there and you can show up at the very first opportunity.

Congrats though on the grandchild to be! I don't think it's ever happening in my family.

My daughter will be 26 this year and has stated many times that she doesn’t want kids because she doesn’t want to deal with the newborn stage up to about age 2. I jokingly told her I’d raise it for the first two years and then hand them back over to her LOL

 

[CdnCarrie]

Neither of our parents were around after our kids were born besides a quick peek at the new babies. I sure would not expect grandparents to change their work schedule for my deliveries. It would never cross my mind

 

[sam_gordon]

My daughter will be 26 this year and has stated many times that she doesn’t want kids because she doesn’t want to deal with the newborn stage up to about age 2. I jokingly told her I’d raise it for the first two years and then hand them back over to her LOL

DD & DSiL had said they didn't want kids either. Earlier this year it became "we're thinking about it". Now they're expecting. She's 27 and he's 28 (or 29).

 

[kdonnel]

What does the bolded mean though? Do I need to put work on hold for weeks? I'm sure we'll have conversations as the due date gets closer (we're still 6+ months out right now).

It means don't do what my work friend did.

He was working an important software release that coincided with his sons due date. He actually missed his son's birth because he was a good employee.

He had a different boss (worked out of a different location at the time) than I did that was pressuring him to get the release done despite the birth.

The truth of the matter is the customer would have gladly delayed the rollout but my friends manager was a horrible manager that valued career over all else.

It's a tough call because are you a bad dad if you are there for your wife but get fired? Or are you a bad dad because you missed the birth and kept your job?

It didn't really hit home to him until he was laid off a few years after. At that time no one cared he had missed his son's birth to make a deadline.


I know you are the grandparent and not the dad but I think it still is something you should consider.

 

[sam_gordon]

It means don't do what my work friend did.

He was working an important software release that coincided with his sons due date. He actually missed his son's birth because he was a good employee.

He had a different boss (worked out of a different location at the time) than I did that was pressuring him to get the release done despite the birth.

The truth of the matter is the customer would have gladly delayed the rollout but my friends manager was a horrible manager that valued career over all else.

It's a tough call because are you a bad dad if you are there for your wife but get fired? Or are you a bad dad because you missed the birth and kept your job?

It didn't really hit home to him until he was laid off a few years after. At that time no one cared he had missed his son's birth to make a deadline.


I know you are the grandparent and not the dad but I think it still is something you should consider.

Grandparent is totally different than parent in this, as in many, situations though. If it was DW expecting, yes, I would plan on "blocking out" the week before and the week after the expected due date (schedule me to WFH), and if I was on the road when it happened, I would be on the next plane. Pretty sure my boss would support me on that.

I feel @tvguy's "no one but immediate family for six weeks" rule is a one off, but could be wrong.

When DD was born, we actually had a big project at work that I missed. That was a different employer FWIW.

 

[Meriweather]

It's fine if you are not there.
Neither of my parents or in laws where there when I had my too.
DH was and that was all that mattered.