WWYD?

[jt'smom]

My first thought would be that your younger son is closer to the bride, and since he's still in high school, that's why he would be on the save the date card. Your older son is an adult, even though he lives at home, and I would assume that the fact that he's an Aspie doesn't even play into it. I would guess that the bride probably didn't even think to invite your older son since several years separate them, and it's more like you and your husband are long time neighbors, so of course you would be invited. I'll be completely honest, if my son was getting married, and he and his bride were sending out save the dates, if we had a neighbor that we had lived next to for 19 years, and their son was grown, I wouldn't automatically expect that they would invite the adult son. Unless my son was friends with him. I don't think I would say anything, because I think it will create a super awkward situation no matter what. I would just explain to my older son, that once you hit adulthood, most times invites are not "family".

 

[ols386]

I wouldn't ask them about it. I would wait till you receive the invitation in the mail. Then you will have the answer. If your oldest son isn't on the invitation, then I wouldn't attend. Just say you have a previous engagement.

 

[tvguy]

I would ask, maybe they didn't think he would want to go. And yes, maybe they don't want him to come.

 

[morgan98]

I agree with the other posters who say that the way the save the date was worded makes it seem intentional as to the people they want to attend. While you may not agree with or like the logic associated with the invite, it seems that the bride has a reason for inviting who she is inviting. I also say that if your son is 21, they may very well view him as his own entity, so to speak, and not feel close enough to him to invite him.

I probably would not confront them as they obviously know who they want to invite. However, you and your family do not have to attend.

 

[elphaba91]

Perhaps you could bring it up with the bride's mother, but in doing so make it clear that it's perfectly okay if DS isn't invited, but you just wanted to know in advance what the situation was so you could work out how best to handle it with DS. Don't try guilt trip them about it at all (it's their wedding and they can choose who they want to invite and perhaps your DS got the boot over an old college roommate or great-aunt Mildred), but just ask for clarification so you can then decide what to tell DS/whether to all go or not.

 

[Nancyg56]

I wouldn't ask them about it. I would wait till you receive the invitation in the mail. Then you will have the answer. If your oldest son isn't on the invitation, then I wouldn't attend. Just say you have a previous engagement.

I agree. I would wait for the invitation. If your older son is not on the invitation, you have your answer. It would not matter to me why he was left off, I woudl decline. I am no fan of leaving one person in a family out.

 

[gemini2727]

I personally wouldn't ask. Whatever their reasoning is, I don't think they should have to explain their decision to you. That would be very awkward for everyone. I would wait for the actual invitation also, and decide to go or not accordingly.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I agree with elphaba91, it sounds like you are friendly enough with this family that you could address it in this way. I think it would be better to know now, so you can plan, than waiting for the invitation when you will have less time to decide how to deal with it.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Maybe when you see the neighbor, explain that you would love to attend, but your DS would be hurt if you left him home while every other member of the family attended, so you'll have to decline. Whatever the neighbor's reason for not inviting him, they should understand your loyalty is to your son.

 

[anniemae]

Perhaps you could bring it up with the bride's mother, but in doing so make it clear that it's perfectly okay if DS isn't invited, but you just wanted to know in advance what the situation was so you could work out how best to handle it with DS. Don't try guilt trip them about it at all (it's their wedding and they can choose who they want to invite and perhaps your DS got the boot over an old college roommate or great-aunt Mildred), but just ask for clarification so you can then decide what to tell DS/whether to all go or not.

This is what I would do. Approach the brides mother and have a heart to heart. No dramatics, no guilt, just asking for clarification to avoid an awkward situation. It seem like you are close to the family so it would be good to figure it out to avoid any misunderstandings.

 

[indygirl99]

We're finding ourselves in a situation that may be a simple oversight,

. We end up going a lot of places with just DS18 because DS21 doesn't want to go.

I should add our neighbors are a really great family. We have always had a good relationship and we help each other out whenever we can. They have always been very nice to us and both of our boys. That's why this situation is surprising and has me a bit stumped.

The bolded spoke to me.

If they are as close as you say they probably don't think he wants to go because they have heard of all the times he did not go somewhere.

Ask or don't ask but remember that venues are limited in how many can attend so someone ends up with hurt feelings.

 

[Wishing on a star]

All of the thoughts mentioned here did run thru my mind.
This is a tough one!

First, it is the holidays, so you definitely do not want to think about saying anything right now. You have time to think about this.

While I would never want to invite 3 members of a close family who have been close friends/acquaintances for so many years.... One can't make that assumption about others. While the mother of the bride might be savvy enough to know that 'family is family' in some situations like this, that might not be something that is so strong in the mind of the young daughter who is getting married???

Also, I think I would have to assume that Save The Date cards are being sent to all who are intended to be invited. So, I am not thinking that waiting for the invitation would bring any change. I am thinking that there is a name and address list, and all on the list who are being invited would be sent the card.

After reading thru the thread, and not coming to a strong conclusion as to whether I would, or whether you should, actually mention it, I went back and re-read the original post. I often find that this is very helpful in getting some insight. This is what I really noticed :

The other day, we got a "save-the-date" card for her wedding. It was addressed to DH, me and DS18. Our DS21 was not listed. DS21 has Asperger's Syndrome, so he is far less social than his younger brother. He has never been to a wedding and is curious about what it's like to attend one. He has asked me a few times if I thought we would be invited to the neighbor's wedding. I told him we would have to wait for the invitation, but I thought we probably would be invited.

We do not know your son. We do not know the degree of the ASD/Asperger's. But, it seems to me that he has more of an interest in attending a social event like a wedding than he does in actually seeing this particular young woman get married. I am not sure I would want to mention the comments you made in the above posts.. "he has never been to a wedding, etc..."

We also cannot really know how close you feel that your two families are. I think that I felt that we were that close... almost like family... then that might sway me towards mentioning an awkward subject.

 

[tcufrog]

Weddings can be expensive and venues can have space limitations. We had to make some difficult choices for those reasons that both sides of our family and some of our friends weren't pleased with. Once you counted in the cost of food, wine, chair rental, favors, cake, etc. for each person we invited it got to be quite expensive to invite a single person. Excluding your son who they aren't close to may have allowed them to afford and/or to invite a friend or family member they are close to.

After paying for our weddings (we had to have two for cultural reasons) mostly out of our own pocket I've never commented negatively when not invited to a wedding.

 

[sasywtch]

I'm going against the grain and think it's tacky. I realize he's an adult but there are circumstances that the neighbors are aware. I know it's their wedding but when you start spending a lot of money on "things" and leaving people off the list to fit within the budget, you aren't really having people celebrate your wedding. You are having people celebrate your "nice" wedding that you couldn't invite some people to. You pay him to get your mail, you know he lives there, you know he's the only one not going? I'm one of those that have to make sure everyone is happy, having a good time so this one would bother me.

 

[Skywalker]

I had the same thoughts as Wishing On A Star, that in the original post the OP said her son is "curious what it's like" to attend a wedding, not that he has any particular connection to these people and wants to be there for them. If he is not close with the family then it is not their obligation to be a social experiment for your son if there are other people actually closer to them they would like to be there. I would either go or not go, but I would not question them about their guest list.

 

[hj0519]

I'm going against the grain and think it's tacky. I realize he's an adult but there are circumstances that the neighbors are aware. I know it's their wedding but when you start spending a lot of money on "things" and leaving people off the list to fit within the budget, you aren't really having people celebrate your wedding. You are having people celebrate your "nice" wedding that you couldn't invite some people to. You pay him to get your mail, you know he lives there, you know he's the only one not going? I'm one of those that have to make sure everyone is happy, having a good time so this one would bother me.

It's not necessarily about spending money on "things" instead of people - many venues have space limits and when you reach it, that's that. Or should people only have their weddings at venues where every single person they know, whether they're close and want to celebrate their wedding with them or not, can attend? The list has to get cut somewhere.

My family had a similar situation with my brother's wedding, where a family friend had two sons, one who was a very close friend of my brother's and one who was not. I know they debated over whether to include him or not, and I'm not sure whether he was invited, but his parents and brother attended and he did not.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm going against the grain and think it's tacky. I realize he's an adult but there are circumstances that the neighbors are aware. I know it's their wedding but when you start spending a lot of money on "things" and leaving people off the list to fit within the budget, you aren't really having people celebrate your wedding. You are having people celebrate your "nice" wedding that you couldn't invite some people to. You pay him to get your mail, you know he lives there, you know he's the only one not going? I'm one of those that have to make sure everyone is happy, having a good time so this one would bother me.

I agree that it is tacky to leave one person in a household off the invite. I don't necessarily agree with the rest of your post, I think there are people who the bride and the groom, and their parents want to share their day with. Unfortunately some people do not make that list because of cost.
I think it would have been better to just invite the parents and leave off both kids. To just invite one and not the other, regardless of the reasons just doesn't seem right IMO.
Having said that OP, I would not question them about it unless you are prepared for a change in your relationship because it will most likely be awkward from here on out. I'd wait to get the actual invitation and then decide what to do. If you decline and they ask you why, that is the time to bring it up. Maybe they just didn't think about how it would feel for ds, or for you to exclude him.

 

[Southernmiss]

I agree that it is tacky to leave one person in a household off the invite. I don't necessarily agree with the rest of your post, I think there are people who the bride and the groom, and their parents want to share their day with. Unfortunately some people do not make that list because of cost.
I think it would have been better to just invite the parents and leave off both kids. To just invite one and not the other, regardless of the reasons just doesn't seem right IMO.
Having said that OP, I would not question them about it unless you are prepared for a change in your relationship because it will most likely be awkward from here on out. I'd wait to get the actual invitation and then decide what to do. If you decline and they ask you why, that is the time to bring it up. Maybe they just didn't think about how it would feel for ds, or for you to exclude him.

Very good points. As I told my kids when they were growing up when things weren't fair 'Sometimes it's not all about you.' It's unfortunate, but sometimes that's just how it is. The day is about the uniting of 2 families and 2 lives being changed for better or for worse forever.

Unfortunately, wedding planning is much more complicated than when dh and I married in 1990. We invited everyone with no thought of limits on who to invite. Sent out about 150 invites and had about 175 people there from all sides. However, it was held in a large church and reception was in an Elks club hall and both families prepared finger foods for the reception. Food ran out before dh and I ate and we had to go out to eat that night! Dh and I were very glad to have all who were there with us that day. But dh is still a little salty that we didn't get to eat at our own reception. I would prefer that not happen with ds.

 

[sk!mom]

If you have presented a true picture then it seems really odd and out of character that they would have left him out.

I'm betting that they simply thought that he wouldn't want to attend. Since you are so close, I would speak up now so that they can easily add him since I bet they will want to.

You: "Our save the date was only for 3 of us?"
Neighbor: "We didn't think DS21 would want to attend a big social event and we didn't want to add pressure. I'm so sorry, of course, he's invited. I'm so happy that he's comfortable attending."

If you aren't close enough for a casual conversation, then I would take the invite at face value. DH and I would likely decline and I'd let DS18 decide for himself.

 

[sam_gordon]

nm