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- Oct 27, 2011
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But I can't imagine leaving off one member (who happens to be the one with a disability) of a 4-member family
I agree it's odd to invite 3 out of 4 in a household. However, try to look at it from a different perspective. The neighbors may not even be thinking of your son's ASD/aspergers; they may simply be thinking of an adult son who is not as close to the bride as the younger brother. You and your spouse, as the long-time adult neighbors, are invited because of the longevity of your adult friendship with the bride's parents. To me it appears DS18 is invited because of his connections with the bride through dance and choreography. By contrast, DS21 has a minimal relationship with the neighbors (collecting mail for them) and what is probably considered as "just another kid in the neighborhood" relationship with the bride who is several years older. Again, I'm guessing the disability didn't come into play with the discussion of guest list cuts.
Sometimes those of us who live closely with a cognitive disability need to step back and look at situations from others' perspectives. While my DD's disability is first and foremost in my mind when planning events and activities for our family, I often find that even though many relatives, friends, neighbors who know of my child's diagnosis do not consider that factor. Ask yourself if it's reasonable that a 21-yr-old neighbor "kid" with a relatively minimal relationship to the bride should expect to be invited to a wedding. My guess is other adult children in the neighborhood are not necessarily included unless there is an additional connection to the bride or groom.
Now, I do agree that it puts you with a bit of a difficult decision to make. If DS21 is "curious" about weddings, maybe you have a videotape of your own wedding he could watch, and that might help him understand the event and decide he is not interested after all. You could have 3 of you attend and leave DS21 at home. Or you could all decline the (expected) invite. Or DS18 could go with 1 parent while the other parent plans something special with DS21 that day. Those are decisions to make within your own family, not ones for the bride/groom or their parents to worry about.