WWYD? Pregnant teen at my DD's high school pestering my DD..........

[happygirl]

My kids never had to face this either-no pregnant kids at their HS either
I would encourage her to find other friends at school

Back in the olden days when i was in HS-a pregnant girl had to leave school and be home tutored

The bolded part is really sad to me. I'm glad times have changed and people aren't outcast like that anymore

 

[Tiger926]

It never ceases to amaze how many parents think once your child reaches high school it is time to stick your head in the sand and pretend like that they no longer need a parent.

I could have sworn we as parents are responsible for our children until they reach the age of 18.

Oh and while we are on the subject, someone want to tell the school that I do not need to sign all those class room rules that were sent home from each high school class my son attends because it's none of my business what he does in school or life at 14, thanks so much!

P..I wouldn't go to the counselor I would talk to your daughter about it not being a good idea to have a child while still a minor.

I'm not sure where you can make the leap that because we are trying to encourage the OP to parent her own daughter, that we are saying OP shouldn't parent at all? I'm sorry, but this leap does not make sense. She needs to parent her own daughter, and not Susie, as they don't have that kind of relationship. Susie is just talking in order to convince herself that her life is going to be ideal - I can't imagine that any of you really think that Susie can convince other girls to get pregnant? Like I said, you can't catch it...it's kind of sad that we are even having to have this conversation as adults. OP's daughter doesn't pay any mind to Susie, and Susie will surely quiet down with her attention-seeking behaviour, if indeed that is how it went down.

If they were actual friends and had a relationship of trust, I would have given the OP some tips on what to say and how to help, but that's not the case. She isn't in any position to go to the counsellor. Her own daughter could if she felt that Susie was in danger, but that is not what is happening here, as we've already established.

OP, no one here is saying a 16 yo getting pregnant and encouraging other girls to do the same is appropriate. What many of us are saying is that Susie's condition is not a concern of yours but how it impacts your daughter is.

If your daughter is unable to stand up for herself that is something you seriously need to work on. This isn't the last wildly inappropriate situation she'll find herself exposed to. You aren't doing her any favors by not arming her with the tools necessary to survive HS.

I graduated in 1980 and there were kids back then doing wildly inappropriate things. It isn't anything new. Oh, and our schools were k-6, 7-8, 9-12.

Exactly! OP needs to work with her own daughter in this regard as she is going to enounter many other inappropriate and scary things while she is growing up.

We aren't making light of it at all, but trying to impress to OP that this is a teachable situation for her and her daughter.

Susie already has a plan. She is going to live off of benefits. It sounded like she was bragging about it from the way the OP described it. People are going to judge that and not too favorably. Especially in light that Susie is encouraging others to do the same.

I understood exactly what you stated.

Susie was the one bragging about how great her life is going to be and encouraging the OP's DD to do the same. And the OP is wrong to have a reaction to that?

That's crazy talk.

No, Susie has a vision of a plan in her very confused head. She is a baby having a baby. She will be living her life minute by minute for a very long time...it doesn't matter what comes out of her mouth, as she has no idea what she is in for. She has some idealized vision of being a young mom, who is getting paid by the city for taking care of her baby. She has no idea that she won't get enough money each month to make ends meet, that she will have issues with taking care of her mental and physical self, and that she may have issues with accommodations, food, finishing school and dating.

Make no mistake about it, neither I, nor the other posters are saying that this is acceptable, nor is it ideal. It's very naive and shows a great misunderstanding of teens to believe that Susie's bragging about how great of a life she is going to have is going to influence the OP's daughter to get pregnant. Susie has nothing else to grasp onto at this time, but a fairytale vision of what she thinks her lifepath is going to follow...I can pretty much assure you that her real life is going to be much different than the plan she has concocted in her head.

Op - Prepare your daughter for the world, don't try to prepare the world for your daughter.

There are a million Susies in the world. Your daughter will be influenced, pressured and tempted for the rest of her life. Use every one of the situations that you are aware of as a teaching experience so she has the morals to make the right choice when the situations you are not aware of come around.

Lol...no one is saying that she shouldn't listen to her daughter. But we are saying it's not a big deal to get all flustered about it. The OP's DD may be just amazed at the things the ding dong girls says and wants to share a laugh with her mom about how dumb this girl appears to be. I live in small town conservative Bible belt Texas and my DD's are military brats who are very liberal. My youngest used to come home and tell me all about the heated debates she had with her friends in class about homosexuality, abortion, etc....maybe the other kids parents were bothered because she had a difference of opinion?

OP did say that daughter is innocent and so perhaps this is a bit scary for her, which is a good thing. Her daughter sounds pretty level-headed enough to trust her mom and come to her with this, so that's a great mother/daughter discussion right there!

I think OP was a bit shocked at the openness of Susie, as it contrasts differently with their lifestyle. The fact is, that is probably what her daughter feels to, but at 14, she needs to have a greater understanding of the different lifestyles and people she is going to encounter in her life. Honestly, it's not that shocking at all - teens make bad choices all of the time, and one of them is pregnancy.

Tiger

 

[MichelleVW]

I have not read all the pages of this thread but I agree with the above.

While I feel sorry that the pregnant girl is in this predicament, she has no business encouraging another girl to follow suit!

I WOULD BRING IT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE COUNSELLOR!

TC

And have them do what? Tell Susie to stop talking to OP's DD about how great her life is going to be since she's a teenager with a baby? The OP can do that herself and sounds like the OP's DD is smart enough to figure that out herself.

One of my DD's best friend's had a baby at 14....trust me...that was awesome birth control for my DD.

The bolded part is really sad to me. I'm glad times have changed and people aren't outcast like that anymore

Same here...what horrible times those were.

 

[AlwaysMoving]

I was friends with one of the pregnant girls in my high school. She had the baby in 11th grade. Not once did she try to make pregnancy seem like a good idea or encourage me to have a baby. If anything, it was she who taught me an important life lesson. The father dumped her after she told him and she had 2 jobs while going to school fulltime. I did not envy her bloodshot eyes everyday from lack of sleep. I still consider her my friend and chat via internet often, but have not seen her in person in almost 25 years.

I agree with the people who say that a child, by the time they are in high school, are old enough to make their own choices. Mom and dad should have had enough talks and made their expectations of their children painfully obvious by then. I know my parents did. "Suzie", in my opinion, is no different than the co-worker who wants you to go to their church. You politely say no thank you, request they stop asking, then if they still insist, you tell them their pressure is making you uncomfortable and if they won't stop, they will have to consider making friends with someone else. It is ok to be friends with a pregnant girl. It is not ok for the pregnant girl to assume you are friends with her because you want to join her choice of lifestyle. This is definitely NOT the time for mom to step in and counsel Suzie. It is not her place anymore than it would be the daughter's place to tell one of Mom's friends to back off.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My DD is 14 and a freshman in high school in our small town. She is somewhat of a "late bloomer" -- she doesn't wear makeup, has never had a boyfriend, she's bookish and quiet. There's a pregnant sophomore in a couple of her classes, and she sits next to the girl ("Susie") in one of her classes. Since this is a small town, and I'm a teacher, DD and Susie know each other. They're not friends, but they are acquainted.

Susie is constantly talking to DD about her pregnancy. She asks if DD wants to feel the baby kick (she doesn't). She gushes about how awesome it will be to stay home and be with the baby when it's born. She asks opinions on baby names.

When DD told me about this, I sympathized with Susie a bit. Especially since I know her. I told DD to be nice, since Susie is probably actually scared and maybe a little embarrassed, and is trying to make up for that.

But then this week, Susie asked DD if she wanted a baby. DD responded that she would like to be a mother, but not until she has finished college and gotten married. Susie said it's so much easier to be a younger mom, and that welfare pays for so much, and there are so many boys that DD could "hook up with" if she wanted to get pregnant.

Remember -- my DD has never even held hands with a boy! Should I say something to school counselors? DD isn't assertive enough to tell Susie to back off. But I think she's being wildly inappropriate!

I'm not sure where you can make the leap that because we are trying to encourage the OP to parent her own daughter, that we are saying OP shouldn't parent at all? I'm sorry, but this leap does not make sense. She needs to parent her own daughter, and not Susie, as they don't have that kind of relationship. Susie is just talking in order to convince herself that her life is going to be ideal - I can't imagine that any of you really think that Susie can convince other girls to get pregnant? Like I said, you can't catch it...it's kind of sad that we are even having to have this conversation as adults. OP's daughter doesn't pay any mind to Susie, and Susie will surely quiet down with her attention-seeking behaviour, if indeed that is how it went down.

If they were actual friends and had a relationship of trust, I would have given the OP some tips on what to say and how to help, but that's not the case. She isn't in any position to go to the counsellor. Her own daughter could if she felt that Susie was in danger, but that is not what is happening here, as we've already established.



Exactly! OP needs to work with her own daughter in this regard as she is going to enounter many other inappropriate and scary things while she is growing up.

We aren't making light of it at all, but trying to impress to OP that this is a teachable situation for her and her daughter.



No, Susie has a vision of a plan in her very confused head. She is a baby having a baby. She will be living her life minute by minute for a very long time...it doesn't matter what comes out of her mouth, as she has no idea what she is in for. She has some idealized vision of being a young mom, who is getting paid by the city for taking care of her baby. She has no idea that she won't get enough money each month to make ends meet, that she will have issues with taking care of her mental and physical self, and that she may have issues with accommodations, food, finishing school and dating.

Make no mistake about it, neither I, nor the other posters are saying that this is acceptable, nor is it ideal. It's very naive and shows a great misunderstanding of teens to believe that Susie's bragging about how great of a life she is going to have is going to influence the OP's daughter to get pregnant. Susie has nothing else to grasp onto at this time, but a fairytale vision of what she thinks her lifepath is going to follow...I can pretty much assure you that her real life is going to be much different than the plan she has concocted in her head.








OP did say that daughter is innocent and so perhaps this is a bit scary for her, which is a good thing. Her daughter sounds pretty level-headed enough to trust her mom and come to her with this, so that's a great mother/daughter discussion right there!

I think OP was a bit shocked at the openness of Susie, as it contrasts differently with their lifestyle. The fact is, that is probably what her daughter feels to, but at 14, she needs to have a greater understanding of the different lifestyles and people she is going to encounter in her life. Honestly, it's not that shocking at all - teens make bad choices all of the time, and one of them is pregnancy.

Tiger

The DD sounded shocked and doesn't want to hear it so I don't think she will be influenced.

Susie may have no idea of what she is in for, but then again she might. She does seem quite worldly in knowing she can live off benefits at such a young age. The shocking thing is that she not only has a plan to take benefits but is encouraging others to do the same. No wonder our economy is in the toilet. It should be outrageous.

I wouldn't talk to a counselor about Susie, but actually a counselor could help her to understand that staying in school is a better option for her than taking benefits.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

Now, based on these responses, I see that my instincts were right...

Lots of judgment and condescending statements in these responses. Why the sarcasm?

You do feel that you and your daughter are better than Susie, and that is exactly why you wanted to run to the counsellor, IMHO. You are worried about your daughter and the influence Susie may have on her. Why not go to the counsellor in order to help Susie? Why are you both putting down and gossiping about Susie?

Clearly you don't know much about teen pregnancies...most of them do not have "wonderful" lives...on the contrary. Reality is going to hit her hard when that baby is born, and based on my vast experiences with teen parents, that dad is probably going to run for the hills, and she will be left alone to care for that baby. She may have to go on assistance, children's protective services might be involved, etc. Even if her parents are involved, reality is going to be a heavy burden for them, and the family dynamic in that household is going to change forever once that baby is born.

A wonderful life it more than likely is not going to be, due to a baby having a baby...

I think your world was infringed upon a bit by Susie's world, which clearly is vastly different. You have made the point that your daughter is innocent, very smart and a late bloomer. Why? Because I think you are worried about Susie's influence on her. If not, then I apologize, but I can't figure out any other reason for a parent to have these kinds of responses towards the situation as you have presented.

Susie's "wonderful" life is going to change forever in a few weeks when that baby is born, and that is what you as a mom should be discussing with your daughter.

Tiger

Pot, meet kettle. Yikes...

And the same goes for lots of other posters jumping on the OP. Lots of judgements about OP's judging of Susie being wrong. And yes, I know that's how the Dis works, but I still think the mentality is bizarre (even when I participate in it, as I'm doing here ).

OP, I agree with the consensus that it is probably not appropriate to speak to the counselor about Susie's actions, but I wholeheartedly agree that you should be coaching your daughter on how to react to the peer pressure from this classmate.

Some posters on here apparently think at 14 you should be shipping your daughter off to fight a war on foreign soil, and while you're at it, she should figure out how to get her own transportation, weapons and armor.

Of course teenagers discuss inappropriate things with each other. Of course peer pressure exists, and has forever. That's why, as parents, we need to talk to our own kids about why those decisions and ideas are inappropriate and why they don't mesh with our values. Because without parental buffering on the other side, kids end up making even more bad decisions than they'll already make despite the support and guidance of their parents.

Guess what, I still get advice from my parents (well, from my father, since my mother is dead) and I'm a successful 36 year old business leader...I hope I'm still getting advice and guidance until he dies. I wish I could also receive guidance from my mother.

Lastly, I'm another person where Junior High was 7-9 and High School was 10-12, and I graduated from high school in 1994. Clearly it was, and may still be, a regional bracketing.

 

[Tuffcookie]

And have them do what? Tell Susie to stop talking to OP's DD about how great her life is going to be since she's a teenager with a baby? The OP can do that herself and sounds like the OP's DD is smart enough to figure that out herself.

One of my DD's best friend's had a baby at 14....trust me...that was awesome birth control for my DD.



Same here...what horrible times those were.

No. That is not the reason I feel a counselor should be involved. In my opinion and let me repeat, this is only MY opinion, a young pregnant girl who thinks the only choice she has in life is to have babies and milk the system for what it's worth, has serious self esteem issues going on. It sounds like she could use a good mentor in her life.

TC

 

[CurlyGirl]

a young pregnant girl who thinks the only choice she has in life is to have babies and milk the system for what it's worth, has serious self esteem issues going on. It sounds like she could use a good mentor in her life.

TC

Let's face it ... Susie could've used a good mentor a looong time ago. If she had one, she probably wouldn't have gotten herself knocked up. I'm sure her self esteem issues were around before getting pregnant.

This "needs a mentor and better self esteem" advice is what the OP needs to do with her OWN child ... be a good mentor and boost her own kid's self esteem so she doesn't pull a "Susie".

 

[Coconut36]

Op - Prepare your daughter for the world, don't try to prepare the world for your daughter.

There are a million Susies in the world. Your daughter will be influenced, pressured and tempted for the rest of her life. Use every one of the situations that you are aware of as a teaching experience so she has the morals to make the right choice when the situations you are not aware of come around.

Absolutely true and very well said!

 

[powellrj]

I graduated from HS in 77 and even back then we had teen moms. We had one girl named Jackie that had a baby the end of her freshman year and then preceded to have a child every year after that. I am not sure if she ever graduated, but once we were seniors she had 3 children and was once again pregnant. For 3 years we heard all about her wild sex life. She would come to school covered with hickeys and we would sit open mouthed as she told us about her sex life. Lets face it, we were all just a bunch of high school kids who had never heard about adult sex, this was before pay tv, so we were pretty limited in what we knew about. Some making out and maybe a few girls had been to 2nd base and that was as wild as we got!! This girl had done it all and was more than willing to share with us!

In no world were any of us wanting to live her life. While we were avid listeners, we knew that being a teen mom wasn't as glamours as she was making it sound.

Even now DD is 15 and has already been invited to 2 baby showers for classmates this year. I let her go because its not the babys fault, but I also know that by letting her go I am no way condoning the pregnancy, I just don't think the baby should go with out.

Use every moment as a teaching moment, instead of being so quick to make a call to the school.

 

[lisateaches]

I graduated from HS in 77 and even back then we had teen moms. We had one girl named Jackie that had a baby the end of her freshman year and then preceded to have a child every year after that. I am not sure if she ever graduated, but once we were seniors she had 3 children and was once again pregnant. For 3 years we heard all about her wild sex life. She would come to school covered with hickeys and we would sit open mouthed as she told us about her sex life. Lets face it, we were all just a bunch of high school kids who had never heard about adult sex, this was before pay tv, so we were pretty limited in what we knew about. Some making out and maybe a few girls had been to 2nd base and that was as wild as we got!! This girl had done it all and was more than willing to share with us!

In no world were any of us wanting to live her life. While we were avid listeners, we knew that being a teen mom wasn't as glamours as she was making it sound.

Even now DD is 15 and has already been invited to 2 baby showers for classmates this year. I let her go because its not the babys fault, but I also know that by letting her go I am no way condoning the pregnancy, I just don't think the baby should go with out.

Use every moment as a teaching moment, instead of being so quick to make a call to the school.

I'm interested to know if your dd15 paid for these shower gifts herself? IMO I think it is very inappropriate for young teens to attend baby showers for friends, especially if it isn't even their money purchasing the gifts. I think it glamorizes it. The reality is that 15 yo friends rarely have the money to buy gifts for babies. They are in the time of their life where they are saving for college, cars, going to dances, buying clothes. If my DD really wanted to pay for a baby gift I would let that be her choice though. Also, in my experience, teens tend to buy things like outfits that aren't practical and shoes that are cute, but the baby will only wear once, if at all. They are really clueless to the real needs of a baby. My 20 yo sister-in-law just had her second. He is 3 months old and they still don't have a mattress for him. BUT her DH did just buy himself a 3D phone. Priorities at that age (for some) are just not exactly in order. A lot of teens that TRY to get pregnant aren't exactly on the right developmental track and therefore, make ridiculous decisions. I think girls who have "accidents" are more realistic. AGAIN this is only in my opinion of what I'VE SEEN.

 

[mhsjax]

Am I the only one on the board that thinks it IS her business? It's HER daughter that Little Miss TeenMomToBe is giving get pregnant hints to.

Yeah, she might be lonely and sad, that doesn't give her license to try and talk another kid into getting pregnant with her, does it? Her sad circumstance makes it okay preach about how great it is to "hook up" and get pregnant?

As a mother, that would bother me. I wouldn't go to a counselor, but I WOULD talk to my daughter to explain what she's done isn't "okay" or "right" and I would talk to her about how to shut the girl down when she talked about it by changing the subject and making it clear that's not how she wants to live her life.

To say it's none of the mother's business is just dead wrong to me. The girl has come to the mom with a problem, mom should help her learn how to deal with it.

Nope, I am with you 100%.

 

[goofy!]

Back in the olden days when i was in HS-a pregnant girl had to leave school and be home tutored

Thank goodness it is no longer like that.

In our district, one of the high schools (in the top 50 in the national list that comes out yearly) has a program for pregnant teens.

They, as in both parents, go to high school, continue in their IB and AP classes while taking parenting classes (those who are choosing to keep their babies) and getting counseling on choices if not on the side.

Once the babies are born, there is an onsite daycare for the babies so the teens can stay in school and graduate. Counselors help with college aps, scholarships and getting them set up so they can be successful parents and members of society.

 

[goofy!]

No. That is not the reason I feel a counselor should be involved. In my opinion and let me repeat, this is only MY opinion, a young pregnant girl who thinks the only choice she has in life is to have babies and milk the system for what it's worth, has serious self esteem issues going on. It sounds like she could use a good mentor in her life.

TC

And you don't think the school counselors are already not involved with a 16 year old pregnant student? That they are ignoring it?

The OP does not need to tattle on Susie.

But I haven't heard a single person say the OP should not parent her own child and let her flounder.

Every single poster has told the OP to discuss it with her daughter and teach her the tools to handle peer pressure.

That is parenting. Parenting is not running to the school, tattling, to change the world for their child. That is generally viewed as helicoptering a snowflake.

Teach a child to handle a minor peer pressure like a casual suggestion in class about getting pregnant and the child will be in a much better position to handle a harder situation when she is at a party and somebody hands her a joint, a beer, a boy copping a feel when Mom is not there to run to the school.

 

[MichelleVW]

I'm interested to know if your dd15 paid for these shower gifts herself? IMO I think it is very inappropriate for young teens to attend baby showers for friends, especially if it isn't even their money purchasing the gifts. I think it glamorizes it. The reality is that 15 yo friends rarely have the money to buy gifts for babies. They are in the time of their life where they are saving for college, cars, going to dances, buying clothes. If my DD really wanted to pay for a baby gift I would let that be her choice though. Also, in my experience, teens tend to buy things like outfits that aren't practical and shoes that are cute, but the baby will only wear once, if at all. They are really clueless to the real needs of a baby. My 20 yo sister-in-law just had her second. He is 3 months old and they still don't have a mattress for him. BUT her DH did just buy himself a 3D phone. Priorities at that age (for some) are just not exactly in order. A lot of teens that TRY to get pregnant aren't exactly on the right developmental track and therefore, make ridiculous decisions. I think girls who have "accidents" are more realistic. AGAIN this is only in my opinion of what I'VE SEEN.

That's just harsh. I would gladly buy a shower gift if one of my DD's friends' got pregnant. I don't think buying something cute for a sweet baby glamorizes it a bit. I just believe every baby is special and deserves a baby shower. I buy non practical gifts for adults having babies...what good is going to a baby shower if you can't buy them cute little outfits?

 

[DebIreland]

That's just harsh. I would gladly buy a shower gift if one of my DD's friends' got pregnant. I don't think buying something cute for a sweet baby glamorizes it a bit. I just believe every baby is special and deserves a baby shower. I buy non practical gifts for adults having babies...what good is going to a baby shower if you can't buy them cute little outfits?

Well said. I agree. Especially the "every baby is special" part. We don't have baby showers here but of course it's customary to give baby gifts after the baby is born. I would hope that someone wouldn't hold back on giving a gift just because the Mom is young.

 

[luvmy3]

No. That is not the reason I feel a counselor should be involved. In my opinion and let me repeat, this is only MY opinion, a young pregnant girl who thinks the only choice she has in life is to have babies and milk the system for what it's worth, has serious self esteem issues going on. It sounds like she could use a good mentor in her life.

TC

That may be true but it is not the OPs place to go to the counselor for a student that isn't her child. FTR, I don't believe the OP was going to go to the counselor for the benefit of the pregnant girl I think she wants to go to teh counselor to help shield her dd from the undesirable element in her class. That is why she is getting the responses she is

 

[Coconut36]

That may be true but it is not the OPs place to go to the counselor for a student that isn't her child. FTR, I don't believe the OP was going to go to the counselor for the benefit of the pregnant girl I think she wants to go to teh counselor to help shield her dd from the undesirable element in her class. That is why she is getting the responses she is

Exactly...the comments about the counselor were not made in a "I think this girl needs some support guidance" but that this girl was "wildly inappropriate" and "pestering" her child thus she wanted to talk to the counselor about it. That is the issue I have with it. (and I don't care what grade she teaches any teacher should be able to handle it better than "tattling" to the counselor).

By all means the girl could benefit from the counselor talking to her, helping her, finding her support groups and the like..from that perspective I think the counselor could be helpful (and there is no way of knowing isn't involved already) but not to make the girl "stop" and that appears to be the intent behind the OP talking to the counselor.

 

[Minnie_me]

FTR, I don't believe the OP was going to go to the counselor for the benefit of the pregnant girl I think she wants to go to teh counselor to help shield her dd from the undesirable element in her class. That is why she is getting the responses she is

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Not so. I wrote that I told DD to be friendly and kind to Susie, until Susie told her to try to get herself knocked up.

I don't appreciate the assumptions that I'm some sort of uppity parent. This is a small community, and as I've said before, we know Susie, we like Susie. But she's definitely got some issues if she's going around advising young girls to have unprotected sex. If she does have a counselor already involved with her, maybe that person should be aware that Susie is doing this. Maybe another 14-year old girl won't be as sensible as my DD, and follow Susie's advice.

BINGO!

Additionally, a counselor certainly can help Susie to understand that getting an education is better than living off of benefits.

I can't believe the flames you have gotten on this thread!