WWYD - Other People's Kids

[PrincessKitty1]

People, not just kids, will lie if they are backed into a corner.

Thank you for articulating this. Kids have very few ways to defend themselves. You can't expect them to have adult-level logic and verbal skills. So, when being bullied, they are probably going to lie to get out of the situation.

I know when my parents pressured me to eat, I did anything deceptive I had to do to not eat stuff I didn't like. I'd push my food around on the plate to make a gap appear. I'd give food to the dog. I'd wrap food in a napkin. My parents say they found all kinds of food behind the refrigerator when they moved out of their first house because that's where my oldest sister hid the dinner food she didn't want!

Rather than confronting your niece or her mother about your niece's "lie," I would suggest apologizing to her and saying something like, "You know, I made a mistake when I told you you had to take 3 bites of your sweet potatoes. I won't make you eat anything you don't want from now on."

 

[Jennasis]

Ok...just so no one things I'm the menacing cousin/babysitter here, let me clarify a few things. I made a dinner I thought she liked, asked her to eat her vegetables, and did not make a big deal out of it. She still got her fruit salad dessert afterwards and had a good time the rest of the night. No threats of punishment were made. I asked her to eat three bites of sweet potatoes to give them a good, honest try (NOTHING WAS FORCED), she told me she did, but really she threw them away.

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

Pay close attention to the bolded parts...

1. Since WHEN is a sweet potato a vegetable?????

2. She still got dessert, so you didn't even follow through with your "no dessert" threat. So why make it in the first place? Why not "It would be great Susie if you could just try 3 bites/one good mouthfull" etc.

3. No threat? Yousaid in the OP you told her 3 bites or no dessert. how is that not a threat of punishment?

4. So the lying is the issue...for you perhaps. You backed the kid into a corner and any resourceful, intelligent kid would probabyl have tried the same thing. I sure would have. No...do not tell her parents. Maybe next time order pizza.

 

[C.Ann]

Thank you for articulating this. Kids have very few ways to defend themselves. You can't expect them to have adult-level logic and verbal skills. So, when being bullied, they are probably going to lie to get out of the situation.

I find this statement confusing.. By the time a child is 9 yrs. old (actually, well before that) they are old enough to distinguish right from wrong.. To justify a "lie" because they are being bullied or don't have the adult-level logic and verbal skills might apply to a toddler, but not a 9 yr. old.. If led to believe it is acceptable according to those standards, is opening a can of worms - to say the least.. If the child feels as though she is being "bullied" by her own parent, a teacher, a grandparent, is it okay to "lie"? I think that sends the wrong message..

I would have addressed the lying right then and there - not acceptable at that time nor is it acceptable in the future - and then dropped it.. No need to involve the parents unless lying becomes an ongoing problem while in the OP's home..

 

[luvmy3]

Ok...just so no one things I'm the menacing cousin/babysitter here, let me clarify a few things. I made a dinner I thought she liked, asked her to eat her vegetables, and did not make a big deal out of it. She still got her fruit salad dessert afterwards and had a good time the rest of the night. No threats of punishment were made. I asked her to eat three bites of sweet potatoes to give them a good, honest try (NOTHING WAS FORCED), she told me she did, but really she threw them away.

My issue with this is that she lied. If you were babysitting, especially a family member, and the child lied to you intentionally, would you tell the parents? That's really all I want to know, please.

If it were me I wouldn't mention it to the parents. I would mention to your niece that you would appreciate it if she was honest with you and that you weren't trying to force her to eat it, just wanted her to give it a try. If she didn't like it, fine, no big deal. That way she feels that she can tell you about things and she doesn't have to sneak behind your back and worry about you telling her parents. She's a kid who hid food, in the grand scheme of things I don't think worth telling the parents about.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

Not to beat a dead horse....
but I agree with everyone saying its not your job to teach her good eating habits. Its really hard to bite one's tongue about it..Its also easier to feel strongly about the way kids should behave before you actually have kids.

Once I was at Target and saw a young couple pouring a Coke into a baby bottle..and gave it to their baby who could not have been more than 8 or 9 months old. I so badly wanted to walk up to them and go, "What the hell do you think you're DOING?!" It was hard to walk away from and say nothing. At times I think back to that scenario and wonder if I sHOULD have said something to them...but then again, it wasn't my child.....

I think a tactic that might work is maybe to go on and on about the older sibling who eats well... and really make it a big deal... I dunno ...Good Luck!

 

[KAMLEM]

OP, kids are going to lie to you, you just have to address it when it happens, and address it to the kid-it's something that she did to you that you don't find acceptable.

Tha't's another thread entirely. Some people will tell you that their child never lies and never would. I have seen those threads, they get ugly!

I find this statement confusing.. By the time a child is 9 yrs. old (actually, well before that) they are old enough to distinguish right from wrong.. To justify a "lie" because they are being bullied or don't have the adult-level logic and verbal skills might apply to a toddler, but not a 9 yr. old.. If led to believe it is acceptable according to those standards, is opening a can of worms - to say the least.. If the child feels as though she is being "bullied" by her own parent, a teacher, a grandparent, is it okay to "lie"? I think that sends the wrong message..

I don't think the poster was saying it's OK to lie, she was saying that when backed into a corner that's a natural consequence.

In this situation I don't think I would tell the parents.

 

[MushyMushy]

It means that some adults excersize this kind of behavior as a control issue and it's just dumb to make food a control issue. It's why girls cut and become anorexic-they do not feel in control of their lives. Eating is NOT a game and should not be turned into one by adults to coerce children to eat-either with # of bites or holding dessert hostage. Put the food on the table and allow the child to choose which foods they will try or eat. We all need to quit making such an issue over food. Just because a child is forced to take 3 bites does not mean anything was gained-except that the grownup has the power and it's not about that. A picky eater should be led by helping them to grown a garden-plant, water, harvest and perhaps eat their bounty. They can be led by teaching them to cook-maybe they will taste what they've worked hard to make.

I couldn't agree with this more! I do not get the whole "making" anyone eat what even looks unappealing to them! What's the big deal? Some kids just go through picky phases - what they like one day, they'll hate the next. I never once made my kids try everything placed in front of them. They are not fat, they do not have food issues, and they aren't picky anymore.

People who try to control what goes in other people's mouths must have issues. Who cares who eats what at this or that dinner party? For crying out loud. Someone who would insist every guest eat a piece of cake would probably be the first to judge the hips that cake ended up padding.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I find this statement confusing.. By the time a child is 9 yrs. old (actually, well before that) they are old enough to distinguish right from wrong.. To justify a "lie" because they are being bullied or don't have the adult-level logic and verbal skills might apply to a toddler, but not a 9 yr. old.. If led to believe it is acceptable according to those standards, is opening a can of worms - to say the least.. If the child feels as though she is being "bullied" by her own parent, a teacher, a grandparent, is it okay to "lie"? I think that sends the wrong message..

I would have addressed the lying right then and there - not acceptable at that time nor is it acceptable in the future - and then dropped it.. No need to involve the parents unless lying becomes an ongoing problem while in the OP's home..

I have to comment here that I do think there are times it it okay to lie--and I have taught my children do so! Before we had caller ID, I taugth DD that if she answered the phone while I was out (becuase it might be me) she should say that I am in the shower and take a message offering to have me call right back. She then called me on the phone and I would call the person right back. Telling someone her parents were not home would not have been safe. Both kids are also allowed to lie and say I do not allow them to something if they are with firends who want them to do something they feel uncomfortable with. Yes, it would be best if they felt safe simply saying that they do not want to do XYorZ, but it is far better for them to use me as a cop out to save face than to cave to pressure and do something they really are worried about (like they may say I do not allow them to watch R movies--which I do depending on the movie--as a way to get out of watching a horror film they are frightened of). They also know if they are out and feel like someone is watching them, etc. they can pick up their cell phones and start "talking" to me and say something like--yep I can see the store you're in now--I'll be right there, etc. There are dozens of safety issues where the smart thing to do is lie (and a few etiquette ones as well. Really everyone knows that "it looks interesting" does not mean good).

OP--I would tell the girl you babysit that you are aware she was lying to you and that this is unacceptable. Let her know in the future you will not push her to eat what she dislikes (but not provide other food beyond what is severed to everyone either, or only provide a healthy alternative--no chips) and you expect her to not lie to you again. As a first ofense I would speak directly to the girl (and the girl only). If she is dishonest in the future I would mention it to the parents to see if they have the same issue and how they deal with it.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

This attitude is exactly why I read on this board every day that people's kids only eat chicken nuggest and mac and cheese.

No one is suggesting that a kid be forced to eat an entire plate of something.

Sorry, I totally get what you are saying and don't disagree that nutritious food should be always offered to children. But a babysitter with no kids of her own is hardly the person to be deciding to die on that particular hill! If a PARENT said on this board, my rule is my kids take 3 bites or no dessert, I wouldn't think it was the best idea ever but I would have NO problem with it, parents know their children best and maybe it works with them and regardless the parents have that right and I support it, because this is not an abusive situation whatsoever! But the OP has no authority and it's also not working, so I am against her doing it for those reasons more than that it's not a good idea in general.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would never force my children to eat something they don't like, and would not be happy if someone else did. Some of my kids are picky, some eat literally anything and everything. Food is not a battle in our house - it's just food! With all the focus on food, and eating disorders these days, I can't understand why kids are forced to eat food they don't like. Everyone has their own personal tastes, different taste buds. As long as they are healthy, I don't care if they only like a few fruits, vegetables, meats, carbs, etc.

 

[cathy_s]

Background: I don't have kids, but babysit my cousin's kids (ages 9 & 11) fairly regularly. The youngest is an extremely picky eater and her parents either cater to her or let her just skip dinner and eat what she wants, which is generally just potato chips. Whenever they're at my house, I try to make her eat more and do not make her something different for dinner. Which, in turn, creates a lot of stressful moments.
This weekend, they spent the night and I made chicken drumsticks (which she eats) and sweet potatoes (which she doesn't). I told her she at least needed to eat a good three bites of her sweet potatoes before she could have dessert. When I return from filling water glasses, half of her potatoes are gone, but so is her napkin. I ask her about it, and she said she dropped some chicken on the floor and just put it in her napkin. I ask to see and she gets very snappy and says she's just going to throw it away. When she's not looking, I dig it out of the trash and lo and behold, it's filled with sweet potatoes.

So here's my question: I didn't call her out on it at all. She was so cranky and moody already, and our nights together are always supposed to be fun "Disney party" nights. Should I say something to her? Her parents? How far can you go with setting rules (i.e. not giving dessert) to some one else's kids, especially if their parents feel it's not important? I have no clue how to handle this!

TIA for any help.

You asked for help so don't be offended with my answer. You said that you knowingly prepared something that a child would not eat. You (the older and larger person) put a child in a position where she was backed into a corner. How would you react when backed into a corner by a more powerful person? I know that I would do whatever I had to do to get out of that corner!

You were right in not "calling her out" or in telling her parents that she lied. You created the situation that caused her to lie.

My MIL played the mind games with food with my DD#2 (picky eater). It turns out that DD's aversion to tastes/textures was a result of undiagnosed allergies. I'm not saying that is the situation with your cousin but it is in NO WAY your place to manipulate a child's behavior with food. If her eating or lack of eating is causing "stressful moments" then you may want to reconsider watching this child. This could potentially cause damage to your relationship with her in the future just as it did with my MIL and DD.

The last time my MIL used food to bully my child was the last time my child was ever alone with MIL. DD was 4. MIL prepared a dish she KNEW DD would refuse. She did it intentionally to teach DD a lesson and to prove that MIL was the boss. DD refused. MIL yelled at her, denied her dessert but required that she watch my other DD eat dessert, and then sent her to bed outrageously early. MIL to this day will talk about how funny it was when DD refused to eat. MIL is quite proud of how she treated DD.

I hope she continues to hold that proud feeling close to her heart because she traded that proud feeling for a relationship with her DGD. My DD at age 12 refuses to have anything to do with MIL because in her words she is "a bully". One food battle over 8 years ago is still a reason for DD to resent and have no trust in MIL. DD may not remember specifics but she does remember how MIL made her feel.

MIL won the battle that night but lost any and all respect my DD will ever have for her. I think it's kind of sad. I don't wish the same on you.

 

[Costumesaremylife]

So what I'm mostly reading that bothers me is , what I am understanding of people saying that the OP should not be trying to do anything about this girls eating habits. She said the girl only ate potato chips and other than that barely ate.

Why can't the OP set a good example about eating regular meals? Should she just leave a bag of potato chips and say, help yourself? It really stinks that some think they should just not bother to try, because it "interferes."

 

[happygirl]

I'm might be in the minority here. When I have family members watching my kids I expect for my kids to behave like they would for us (hopefully) better lol. It wouldn't be acceptable for my child not to eat what is given, I wouldn't accept for them to make them a specail meal either. My house rules is you try it and if you don't like it that fine. I would have a huge problem with the child lying and hiding the food in a napkin,

 

[RobinFabulous]

I'm might be in the minority here. When I have family members watching my kids I expect for my kids to behave like they would for us (hopefully) better lol. It wouldn't be acceptable for my child not to eat what is given, I wouldn't accept for them to make them a specail meal either. My house rules is you try it and if you don't like it that fine. I would have a huge problem with the child lying and hiding the food in a napkin,

This child is allowed to just eat chips at her own home, she WAS BEHAVING as she does in her own home. This is okay with her parents, so the OP has no busniess trying to change it

 

[lyzziesmom]

I haven't read through the whole thread yet, but I just had to comment on this one. I apologize in advance for it being so long... it's a touchy subject for me and apparently I have a lot to say!

I am curious at how many kids who grew up to be "well done steak with the sauce on the side" picky adults were forced to eat stuff they didn't like when they were children.

ME! That describes me to a T. I am (and have always been) a very picky eater. Everyone said I'd grow out of it, but I didn't. I wish I wasn't so picky, it can make social situations tricky and a tad embarrassing.

My mother used to force me to eat foods I didn't like. I still have a lot of resentment towards her for that. She would try to sneak ingredients into my food, lie to me about what was on my plate, bribe or punish me for not eating what she wanted me to. I would sit at the table alone until the rest of the family went to bed, only allowed to get up to go to the restroom and serve dessert to the rest of the family (none for me of course), all because I couldn't stand to eat a carrot. None of my mother's tactics worked. I clearly remember her physically force-feeding me chicken ravioli when I was about 13 - she held me in a headlock and shoved the food down my throat, and kept shoving it back down as I was gagging it back up. Yeah that worked like a charm, chicken ravioli is now my favorite food -- NOT.

The list of foods I will eat is much smaller than the list of foods I won't eat. I don't really enjoy eating anything. But there is no way I'm going to put something I really don't like into my mouth - it will make me gag and vomit. However, I will always find something I'll eat wherever I go, or I will modify what I have to make it more tolerable. I have never expected anyone to change their menu just because I'm picky. It's my issue and I don't expect or want any other person to have to deal with it.

I read a very interesting article a while ago about "supertasters" - some people have hundreds more taste buds than others and are super sensitive to flavors, making them more picky. I believe that I fall into that category. The only way I will try new foods is if I know exactly what is in it. If there is an ingredient that I don't like, I can taste it even in trace amounts and it can make me physically ill.

Of my two girls, one is a picky eater (she likes nearly the exact opposite of everything I like) and one is much more adventurous. Sometimes I think the good eater does it just so she can boast that she's better at something than her sister! She loves tasting new foods. She doesn't always like them and that's ok.

The other one... well she is becoming pickier as she gets older. That's ok too. She gets enough nutrition and is healthy. I provide healthy options that I know she likes, and if I limit her snacking between meals she is much more likely to eat better and occasionally even try new things. Usually if I don't even offer her something new and just enjoy it myself, she will get curious and ask to taste it; if I put the same thing on her plate or "make" her try it, she will balk at it. I've also found as she gets older (she is 10) that she will try new foods when she is with her friends.

I hope she expands her palate because I don't want her to turn out like me (being picky is a PITA!), but I won't force her to eat things she doesn't like. If she doesn't like what is being served, I have been teaching her how to prepare her own alternatives. She knows how to politely decline food in public/social situations, or to just eat what she does like. It isn't a big deal.

After the way my mother treated every mealtime as a battle, I never force the issue with my kids and they are turning out fine. The only thing the OP here is going to accomplish with her tactics is causing a rift between herself and the child, and possibly the child's mother.

(By the way, about the post I quoted: I used to not eat steak at all. Now I will eat it, but only well done and with sauce on the side. )

 

[luvmy3]

So what I'm mostly reading that bothers me is , what I am understanding of people saying that the OP should not be trying to do anything about this girls eating habits. She said the girl only ate potato chips and other than that barely ate.

Why can't the OP set a good example about eating regular meals? Should she just leave a bag of potato chips and say, help yourself? It really stinks that some think they should just not bother to try, because it "interferes."

No, what people are saying is that the OP shouldn't force her own eating habits (like always having to eat your vegetables) on a child who isn't her own. There is a difference between trying to encourage healthier eating habits and using food in a power struggle (eat this even if you don't like it so you can have something you do like).

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that raw oysters should be served at all children's parties and that every adult should be forced to eat them too, if they want any birthday cake.

OMG!!!!!


BEST post on this entire thread!!!!

 

[MushyMushy]

So what I'm mostly reading that bothers me is , what I am understanding of people saying that the OP should not be trying to do anything about this girls eating habits. She said the girl only ate potato chips and other than that barely ate.

Why can't the OP set a good example about eating regular meals? Should she just leave a bag of potato chips and say, help yourself? It really stinks that some think they should just not bother to try, because it "interferes."

I'm not sure anyone's saying the OP shouldn't try to encourage or support good eating habits! And do you really believe that she only eats potato chips? Couldn't that be a bit of hyperbole?

I quoted it once, but another poster (shortbun) said: A picky eater should be led by helping them to grown a garden-plant, water, harvest and perhaps eat their bounty. They can be led by teaching them to cook-maybe they will taste what they've worked hard to make.

That has nothing to do with threats, control, or power struggles, which I believe are completely unnecessary when dealing with eating.

 

[shortbun]

It's a very sad psychiatric condition - of course I have sympathy for those who have it.

But if it were caused by being forced to clean your plate, 90% of the population born between 1800 and 1970 would have it.

A large portion of our population is obese. Obesity is an over eating mental health issue and also caused by mean/ control freak parents. Seriously. So count the obese people and count the anoexic people and maybe you could count close to 50% of our adult population. Some parents place too much emphasis on their control and not enough on their love. For instance, my father would sit at the dinner table for hours trying to control what we ate but he did not attend our games, plays, performances, awards ceremonies. He was a neglectful parent who chose to find control of his life through his small children but never showed us the love because he was too busy being out of control. kwim?

 

[shortbun]

Last thing I have to say about this thread as I've made my opinion crystal clear: dessert was fruit salad??? Why not substitute fruit salad for the sweet potatoes-vitamin C, fiber, anti-oxidants and so forth with less carbs and imho perhaps healthier. Sweet potatoes are a starch, not a vegetable on the food pyramid/American Diabetes diet and so many others. The fruit salad-what was being held up as dessert was healthier and the child would eat it. Fruit salad is part of dinner in this house. Dessert, which is rarely offered, is ice cream or cake. Anyway...my work is done here. Love ya, really!!!