WWYD - Not Enough Loot Bags

[wenrob]

Before COVID, DS10 had his parties at home. Most of the parents attending knew each other because most of his friends go to his school. The parents often stayed, not to keep an eye on their child, but to socialize with their friends. It didn't hurt that they knew we have an outdoor fridge stocked with beer and hard cider for the adults.

Our birthday parties as kids were our parents and their friends getting hammered while we had to watch the younger “cousins” aka the friends kids.

 

[ronandannette]

I don’t mean this snarky either but you think differently when you have kids. Majority? I don’t know but it’s not uncommon either.

Right? And it isn't really disrespectful to say so, although some take offense. There's no parent alive that won't admit they were entirely naive about the realities and how their theoretical opinions would differ from their actual practices.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don’t mean this snarky either but you think differently when you have kids. Majority? I don’t know but it’s not uncommon either.

Understandable I think the comment was in a different light if you understand the background to why it even came up (meaning the Canadian perception to the gun culture in the U.S. which has been interesting to read over my relatively short time on the DIS of only 6 years it's been pretty consistent the viewpoint many of them have about the U.S.)

I think in terms of the discussion people probably would mention an umbrella "just want to make sure things are safe or going well so that's why I wanted to stick around a bit for a while" but to specifically say guns? If you and I were just discussing it I would say we just know different people and maybe you know how so and so's parents are so you have more cause for concern but it sorta came across as a weird jab plus the subsequent "well what are you then worried about" I guess I just remember the various conversations that have gone on that to me (and I mean this as a personal perception) the comment took on a very different vibe. I don't think ill intent was there but I can think of the trampoline, bouncy house, pool, and even just what was mentioned about alcohol and parental supervision among many other things as things that are much more likely to be pressing on the minds before accepting an invite or thinking about sticking around.

As a parent YES you think about those things.

The parents (even the ones with 5 and 6 kids, even the ones with a several month old) we're all associated with are outliers because of all the hard topics we've talked about not once has anyone mentioned "you know I just have to make sure there aren't any guns around for little johnny's b-day party at susie's house before I accept this invite" Of course they consider so many other things from even the vaccination status of the people in attendance these days and keeping track of school covid cases to asking have you gotten your whooping cough vaccine. And when I consider the other side of the state line where there's more gun violence the people there already know who does and doesn't have a gun, violence that occurs at parties there are usually gang related unfortunately and usually drive-by style

 

[tcufrog]

Our birthday parties as kids were our parents and their friends getting hammered while we had to watch the younger “cousins” aka the friends kids.

That's disgusting. I haven't witnessed a single parent get even a little tipsy at our kids' birthday parties. They usually have a beer or cider. If they did, I'd stop providing alcohol at the parties.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That's disgusting. I haven't witnessed a single parent get even a little tipsy at our kids' birthday parties. They usually have a beer or cider. If they did, I'd stop providing alcohol at the parties.

You're not really supervising at that point if you're drunk off your tush. I was reading an article the other day and it was talking about things they hoped would stop being normalized and one was the parent drinking culture along with all the merchandise (especially the wine). I think the comment something like "no you don't need to bring your wine to your kid's soccer game". Our next door neighbor has a few nights a year where his 3 kids spend the night at the grandparents house and he has his friends and a few of us neighbors over. They party way harder than we do (it's funny because the wife listens to hardcore rap and the husband country) but no one ever would do that with their kids around.

 

[ronandannette]

Understandable I think the comment was in a different light if you understand the background to why it even came up (meaning the Canadian perception to the gun culture in the U.S. which has been interesting to read over my relatively short time on the DIS of only 6 years it's been pretty consistent the viewpoint many of them have about the U.S.)

I think in terms of the discussion people probably would mention an umbrella "just want to make sure things are safe or going well so that's why I wanted to stick around a bit for a while" but to specifically say guns? If you and I were just discussing it I would say we just know different people and maybe you know how so and so's parents are so you have more cause for concern but it sorta came across as a weird jab plus the subsequent "well what are you then worried about" I guess I just remember the various conversations that have gone on that to me (and I mean this as a personal perception) the comment took on a very different vibe. I don't think ill intent was there but I can think of the trampoline, bouncy house, pool, and even just what was mentioned about alcohol and parental supervision among many other things as things that are much more likely to be pressing on the minds before accepting an invite or thinking about sticking around.

The parents (even the ones with 5 and 6 kids, even the ones with a several month old) we're all associated with are outliers because of all the hard topics we've talked about not once has anyone mentioned "you know I just have to make sure there aren't any guns around for little johnny's b-day party at susie's house before I accept this invite" Of course they consider so many other things from even the vaccination status of the people in attendance these days and keeping track of school covid cases to asking have you gotten your whooping cough vaccine. And when I consider the other side of the state line where there's more gun violence the people there already know who does and doesn't have a gun, violence that occurs at parties there are usually gang related unfortunately and usually drive-by style

Maybe that's on you then Mackenzie - I wasn't taking a jab at you or anybody else. Your first sentence is very presumptuous as well. You have no way of knowing what my personal stance on firearms is.

And FWIW, regarding pools, here I would never have any concern about my kid being unsupervised around a backyard pool because there simply aren't any here. There's a "pool culture" in the States that doesn't exist in most of Canada. No offense intended.

 

[disneychrista]

Our birthday parties as kids were our parents and their friends getting hammered while we had to watch the younger “cousins” aka the friends kids.

One of the things I had concerns about. I didn't drink while my daughters were young and wouldn't want them left alone with adults who were drinking. I also find in inappropriate to serve alcohol (to the adults) at a children's birthday party. But I know, from previous DIScussions that I seem to be in the minority with this view point.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I wasn't taking a jab at you or anybody else.

I didn't think you were taking one personally to me at all

Your first sentence is very presumptuous as well.

How is it presumptuous when your comment literally was:

gun culture in the US is something we see as a very great difference between Americans and Canadians.

If you said "as a parent" I don't think I would have responded at all. If your point was the million and one things you think could happen to your kid I wouldn't have responded. You specifically called out guns. I apologize but honestly that seemed very deliberate. And my comment wasn't even about your stance concerning firearms. It was a comment regarding the conversation that usually ensues when discussing guns in the U.S.

There's a "pool culture" in the States that doesn't exist in most of Canada

I assumed that (mostly due to climate perhaps? though an assumption on my part of course ) and didn't take offense whatsoever and if you followed my responses that I had told you (and others) was quite understandable. The pool part wasn't a blip on my radar for taking issue with I assure you

 

[ronandannette]

One of the things I had concerns about. I didn't drink while my daughters were young and wouldn't want them left alone with adults who were drinking. I also find in inappropriate to serve alcohol (to the adults) at a children's birthday party. But I know, from previous DIScussions that I seem to be in the minority with this view point.

I'd be with you. In our circles there were basically two kinds of birthday parties for kids. The actual kid's party type with friends and classmates invited for games, entertainment, gift openings and cake or maybe a specific activity like bowling or Chuckie Cheese. The other kind was the family party where the child's adult relatives and their kids all come to the home for a more casual get-together. The last kind would have booze if the family were drinkers. We never hosted or went to those kind of birthday parties, although our family holiday celebrations were like that.

 

[prairie_girl]

I'm sorry I'm confused about what you're asking?

I wasn't in the conversation of sticking around or not sticking around though I did partially follow it. I was responding to the mention of being concerned about unlocked/unattended guns. That's just not a normal thing people worry about when it comes to bringing their kid to a birthday party.

I mean this politely but I'm trying to figure out if you're trying to stir up something by using the "Obviously you're worried about something" and the ".." afterwards part.

I actually get the pool example because of a very young child and swimming. I wouldn't say every parent would be there but I would probably expect multiple adults if you're talking about under 5. That's much more common to think about. Heck our HOA rules are no one under 14 without a parent or other guardian (18+) which is partially liability but also just age level and swimming capabilities. But thinking about a gun being in the house or being accessible to kids as a normal thing to worry about? Quite a different track there.

Clearly you have missed the threads where parents have very clearly stated they ask if there are guns in the house before letting their kids play somewhere new. Granted, not everyone, but enough that it made me remember it. And no, I am not trying to stir up the pot. That’s not my style. The … is just the way I write sometimes.

Of course there has and it's actually a topic I usually am passionate about (meaning for goodness sake lock up your dang guns), but that is a far cry from thinking before accepting a kid's birthday party or wanting to stay "is ____ birthday party at a house where there's a gun there? would the gun be reachable for kids?"


I think this below statement is why though.



It's been well established on the DIS this viewpoint between cultures but sometimes I think that's the problem. Guns may be here in the U.S. but sometimes y'all think the most extreme things that are just not part of many of our everyday lives (as in thinking about gun presence for a kid's party).

I actually totally got your pool example

I feel like we have been conditioned to think like this because we’re shown it all the dang time. We don’t have stories of people having shootouts at kids birthday parties, but if one happens below the border, we hear about it. I realize that it’s an outlier story, but they do exist.

I don’t want to risk points for inadvertently crossing a line so I’m bowing out of this back and forth.

 

[Wendy31]

Dear goodness!

Kids’ birthday parties are hellacious, & I tried to steer clear of them as much as possible.

(And I say that as a mom who has hosted, at last count, 31 birthday parties for her kids at various locations, including our house & including several pool parties. And, as an aside, out of those 31 birthday parties, I am proud to say that I NEVER hosted a party at Chuck-E-Cheese’s... children’s museums, zoos, pools, parks… but NEVER the germ-infested Chuck-E-Cheese’s.)

People have different parenting styles & different levels of comfort, so it’s quite common around here for parents to stay at younger kids’ birthday parties. And, often, younger siblings end up tagging along as well. In fact, most of the time, the younger siblings just end up getting included in the invitation.

And, even though, down here in the good ol’ United States we often get a reputation for being lawless, gun-toting rednecks, it’s not just guns that cause parents to stay at kids’ birthday parties. Parents stay & hang around regardless of whether the party is being held at a personal home where a stray gun or 2 might be found, at a children’s museum w/ a “no firearms” sign posted on the front door, at a backyard pool w/ just a dad at the grill, or at a community pool w/ 2 lifeguards present.

Again, as others have mentioned, it’s because parents have different levels of comfort & different parenting styles.

As a parent, how do I know that another parent I may have just met a few times in passing is capable of watching 10-15 young children running around a children’s museum or swimming in a pool? While some parents are able to carefully watch & be responsible for 10-15 young kids, a lot of parents are not.

If the party is being hosted at the birthday child’s home, do I know all the relatives that will also be in attendance? What if the party host has no issue w/ the birthday kid & friends leaving the house to walk across or down the street to play with the neighbor’s dog or take turns riding the neighbor’s motorcycle? If the party‘s at a lake, are they going swimming? Tubing? If they’re on a boat, do they have life jackets? If I have a child that has specific food allergies, am I confident that my child won’t be given something that could cause an emergent, allergic reaction? If the party is at the aforementioned dreaded Chuck-E-Cheese’s, is the host sitting at a table chatting w/ friends & not paying attention to the kids running around the games? One poster here said she wasn’t comfortable w/ alcohol being served to the adults at a children’s party.

These are some extreme examples, I know, but, still, while the party host may be completely comfortable & have no problems w/ the kids taking turns on a motorcycle or slinging them around on a inner tube behind a speeding boat, as a parent w/ quite a different level of “comfort” for those kinds of activities, I might feel like I need to be there.

So there are all kinds of reasons a parent might feel the need to stay at a kid’s birthday party. And, just due to the nature of families, often that means the younger siblings tag along.

In fact, in thinking about it, I really can’t think of a younger child’s birthday party I’ve attended that the parents of the invited kids haven’t stayed at the party In our area or “circles,” it might even be considered rude to drop off your kid & NOT stay. (And a parent would NEVER drop off the invited guest PLUS a sibling or two.)

So, anyway, all that said, I always made extra treat bags. And, when you make your guest list, you kinda already know who has younger siblings that’ll probably show up.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I feel like we have been conditioned to think like this because we’re shown it all the dang time. We don’t have stories of people having shootouts at kids birthday parties, but if one happens below the border, we hear about it. I realize that it’s an outlier story, but they do exist

I think that's why I understood the background references because I do understand the impression, it's been well talked about so I guess in terms of this thread and even the topic that was being immediately talked about I looked at the broaching of the subject to be from a different angle.

And no, I am not trying to stir up the pot.

The only reason I asked was because to me at least I feel like it's logical to consider many different reasons, I don't mean to sound abrupt on that I really don't. I can just think of a variety of individual nuances, parenting styles, situational conditions,etc

Everyone is still a person here so regardless of being Canadian or American there are a multitude of reasons why someone would decide to stick around and there are other reasons one would be concerned than just guns.

My mom, my husband's mom would drop us off have a good time type thing (although not sure if that would have happened at the younger age of below 5), Father-in-law's wife would ask to see your liability insurance for your home or if at a place other than a house ensure the place had proper and good management (she managed properties for years and years). My mom would probably like to speak with the parent first if it wasn't one she knew well and father-in-law's wife would probably like to interview the parent if that makes sense. My dad and my mom were nope on a trampoline (though my sister snuck in a few jumps on a neighbor's way back when and got injured) and my mother-in-law never had an issue with them other than she didn't want to own one so the kids just played elsewhere. And so on. I think the above poster brings up a good point about food allergies which at least these days are usually good a being talked about in terms of considering if that could present an issue especially with many schools having policies regarding bringing homemade food or serving food more commonly to have food allergies to.

Also I appreciate you answering and fully understand if you don't respond back, no hard feelings whatsoever

 

[wenrob]

That's disgusting. I haven't witnessed a single parent get even a little tipsy at our kids' birthday parties. They usually have a beer or cider. If they did, I'd stop providing alcohol at the parties.

I hope you didn’t think I was implying that’s what was happening at your parties. Honestly, I didn’t really think anything of it until I was near grown.

 

[prairie_girl]

I think that's why I understood the background references because I do understand the impression, it's been well talked about so I guess in terms of this thread and even the topic that was being immediately talked about I looked at the broaching of the subject to be from a different angle.


The only reason I asked was because to me at least I feel like it's logical to consider many different reasons, I don't mean to sound abrupt on that I really don't. I can just think of a variety of individual nuances, parenting styles, situational conditions,etc

Everyone is still a person here so regardless of being Canadian or American there are a multitude of reasons why someone would decide to stick around and there are other reasons one would be concerned than just guns.

My mom, my husband's mom would drop us off have a good time type thing (although not sure if that would have happened at the younger age of below 5), Father-in-law's wife would ask to see your liability insurance for your home or if at a place other than a house ensure the place had proper and good management (she managed properties for years and years). My mom would probably like to speak with the parent first if it wasn't one she knew well and father-in-law's wife would probably like to interview the parent if that makes sense. My dad and my mom were nope on a trampoline (though my sister snuck in a few jumps on a neighbor's way back when and got injured) and my mother-in-law never had an issue with them other than she didn't want to own one so the kids just played elsewhere. And so on. I think the above poster brings up a good point about food allergies which at least these days are usually good a being talked about in terms of considering if that could present an issue especially with many schools having policies regarding bringing homemade food or serving food more commonly to have food allergies to.

Also I appreciate you answering and fully understand if you don't respond back, no hard feelings whatsoever

No hard feelings at all. I am just trying to be careful of the rules so we don’t both end up with point.

 

[lisaviolet]

Some are sharing stories that are perfectly normal. Children's parties just naturally ending up as a casual get-togethers with adults, whether planned ahead/announced or casually happening by the host. Fun. Pool parties "hey why don't you stay" etc. etc.

But a parent showing up at the door, one I am assuming you barely know, and announcing she is staying and so is her other child - surprise - is a whole different animal.

And if the host doesn't care and is all for it, I certainly have no fish to fry.

----------

And before people think there are no pools in Canada. I grew up around a good amount of backyard pools. And boy oh boy one was popular if you had one.

------------

Someone mentioned a bouncy house. Flashback.
Quite possibly one of the best threads ever on the disboards. Definite top five.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And before people think there are no pools in Canada. I grew up around a good amount of backyard pools. And boy oh boy one was popular if you had one.

Oh so you're not that different from us? Whew

 

[Frozen Canuck]

Umm is that really a thing people in Canada think is something us in the States actually worry about for a kids party as a norm? Like a checklist of possible things? Like Hmm gift? check, birthday card? check balloons? check, no unlocked guns???

I have no clue how much mental energy you all spend on it but yes, gun culture in the US is something we see as a very great difference between Americans and Canadians. Admittedly just my perception, but it seems to be a very polarized issue - people are either very for them or very against them. Is it totally crazy to assume the "against" people would be very concerned about putting their children in an unknown environment with people who might be "for" them.

It’s very much a concern. Even for people who are “for” them because not every gun owner is a responsible one. And not all kids abide by the rules no matter how well they’ve been taught. If my kid is going to be spending time at your house I’m going to ask the question and if you’re offended by it I have my answer.

Well, as the voice of ONE Canadian person raising kids in the US (two, if you count my husband), yes, we HAVE asked if there are guns in the house before leaving our children to play at a home for the first time, birthday party or not. Thus far, we have only received, "No," as a response, so we haven't seen how the rest of that would play out. It is very much one of the things on our minds to check on.

Yes. Guns and pools.

And trampolines. I have seen the results of crazy injuries happen on unsupervised trampolines, especially with multiple kids bouncing at once.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Having raised 3 kids to adulthood (DS turned 18 in October! WOOT!!! FREEDOM!!...ahem, anyways...), I can say that yes, people are that clueless and invite themselves and their younger children to a party. I've always had a little extra for goody bags, and when I've had less bags than kids show, I would add extra goodies to the siblings bag and tell them it's for them and their siblings. It's not the other kids fault that their parent is a jerk; I would never want a kid to feel unwelcome or unhappy because of what the adults are doing.

One year, when DD#2 had her bday party (her bday is in July, so we had it at the beginning of June right after school let out, so her friends could be there before taking off for summer plans), she invited her whole class. She had just finished 1st grade, so she was turning 7. Everyone showed up, including one little girl with her younger siblings. She was told by her mom she could only go to DD's party if she brought her siblings (mom was not Mrs Beaver, if you understand what I'm saying). So, along came the girl, with her 4 younger sisters, one of whom was not potty trained and one of whom was not walking or talking yet. BTW, I had never met these people before, and had never even talked to them on the phone. No diaper bag or anything; and they walked to our house from theirs. They lived by the school, and to get to our apartment complex, you had to cross a big soccer field and a 4 lane road with no lights. Now, I walked DD to and from school almost every day, so I knew the walk...and it was not one I would let my kids do on their own at those ages!

We were having the party at our apartment, so I didn't have to worry so much about paying for extra. DH was picking up Little Caesars (no delivery in our town from any pizza place, and it was either LC or Roundtable), so I had him get an extra pizza. Koolaid was easy to make more of; and I had plenty of veggies (carrots, celery, ranch etc) I had made cupcakes, so there were plenty; had mini cups of ice cream too, so glad I bought 2 bags that week! I just made goodie bags for the 2 older girls with all the extra stuff, and put suckers and sticker that I had laying around in bags for the non potty trained girl, but nothing for the baby, because, hey...baby. I walked the kids home after (because I am mom); the mom was home but only waved at me through the window when the kids RANG THE DOORBELL TO GET IN.

The NEXT DAY, they all show up at my house again. All of them. No diaper bag or anything...again. No contact with the parents...again. They didn't even know if we'd be home...they just showed up. Right before lunch. I fed them ramen noodles and carrot sticks (what I had enough of for 6 kids at that moment; DD#1 was with her other side grandmother, and no DS yet). DH came home from work and they were still there! I walked them home again, and asked the little girl to get her mom. Kid again rang the doorbell, she came to the door, and I told her I didn't mind her daughter coming to play, but I couldn't watch all her kids, nor could I feed them without notice, and that if her daughter wanted to come play, to please call me first, to make sure we are home and available. Mom was visibly hammered, and didn't even know where her kids had gone. She never called the police or anything to find them either.

They tried to come over again the next day, without notice and yes, all 5 of them, but we were leaving to go somewhere, and told them they had to go home. I walked them home, DH followed in the car to get me after I made sure they were safe. Never saw them again; the little girl wasn't in DD's school the next year (only 2 classes per grade, couldn't have missed her).

ETA: I have only ever been asked about guns once, and that was from the woman who was our then-new next door neighbor, who had a son the same age as DS. At the time, it was no, we didn't have any; same with a pool.

 

[mjkacmom]

One of the things I had concerns about. I didn't drink while my daughters were young and wouldn't want them left alone with adults who were drinking. I also find in inappropriate to serve alcohol (to the adults) at a children's birthday party. But I know, from previous DIScussions that I seem to be in the minority with this view point.

I think there are different types of parties. First birthdays are for the adults, adults invite their friends. Parties transition when the kids are school-aged, and classmates are invited. I’ve never seen alcohol served at a kid focused party. I would drop my kids off early elementary aged at a home party, stay if it was at an outside venue until about 2nd grade. I did drop off preschoolers for play dates after I knew the mom (having play dates where we socialized as well). As a SAHM, my kids had friends over most days of the week, so developed friendships early on.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I used to live rural, and I can understand the gun question. In fact, I got it a few times--not for birthday parties, but for regular play dates. Our guns are unloaded, locked in a gun safe, and kept in a part of the house where the kids don't play. If asked, I offer to show our set-up, for the other parent's comfort.

Pools, we always have both parents there--usually, DH does lifeguard duty, while I do party stuff. We're both former EMTs. We have a trampoline (with a net) and are scrupulous about one kid jumping at a time.

OTOH, we've also had neighbors like Bernard and Bianca mentioned--yikes! In our case, it was only one little girl who lived across a quiet street, but her parents would send her over, never checking to see if we were home or available to play. And then, the parents would leave, locking the house up, for hours. Sometimes, I'd send the girl back home, because we'd have other plans, and she'd have to sit on the porch for hours. I felt bad, but I'm not their personal, unpaid babysitter.