WWYD - Dance Mom Drama

MrsPete

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 24, 2002
Multiple parents have complained about this child to the studio manager (not the owner). I know because they told me they’ve complained.
Clearly the studio isn't motivated by complaints. If you want attention, you must vote with your dollars; that is, walk away. Find a new studio or take a semester off -- and explain to the studio WHY you're doing this. If you want to leave the door open to returning, tell them that you have to have a break from the stressful class situation, and you're open to coming back if steps are taken to create a more calm environment.

I know your daughter enjoys the program, but if you suggest that you'd like her to try art classes or gymnastics for a semester, she'll probably enjoy that just as much.
Short answer: I wouldn't say anything to Mom. You stepping in won't end well for you. Let the studio handle it, it's their problem.
But they aren't handling it.
Unfortunately, money talks.
My point exactly.
 

Wishing on a star

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 7, 2002
OP, here is a question that might be important.
I do understand how this can be so annoying, frustrating and upsetting, and make one even feel angry. I do!
But, ask yourself, just how much, really, is this child's bad behavior truly and actually affecting you.
Has she physically affected you, taken any time or benefit of the dance studio from you?

I can say that this child absolutely would not physically be an issue for me or my child.
THAT was when I finally did have to step forward in the situation I just told about.

Mrs Pete makes some excellent comments in her post, just above!
 
  • StitchesGr8Fan

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    Jul 17, 2009
    It is very interesting to see all of the questions and comments. It’s given me lots to think about, but nothing to say, if you catch my drift.

    This situation is not negatively impacting me or my daughter. 3 years ago the younger sibling’s screeching and yelling drove me nuts, but there was no running around. Now that the child is old enough to run around, I don’t put myself in the path of destruction. There is no yelling anymore. And my daughter is in class so she has no idea what is going on.

    As I said in an earlier post, I do tell the kid to knock it off. I also give positive attention so our interactions aren’t always negative. I’m comfortable scolding the child since I have gotten to know the mother better and I understand the culture of the studio. (Very much in the “it takes a village” camp.) 3 years ago we were new there and I didn’t want to make waves.

    I might update if there are any developments one way or the other.
     

    Nancyg56

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    Aug 17, 2005
    It is very interesting to see all of the questions and comments. It’s given me lots to think about, but nothing to say, if you catch my drift.

    This situation is not negatively impacting me or my daughter. 3 years ago the younger sibling’s screeching and yelling drove me nuts, but there was no running around. Now that the child is old enough to run around, I don’t put myself in the path of destruction. There is no yelling anymore. And my daughter is in class so she has no idea what is going on.

    As I said in an earlier post, I do tell the kid to knock it off. I also give positive attention so our interactions aren’t always negative. I’m comfortable scolding the child since I have gotten to know the mother better and I understand the culture of the studio. (Very much in the “it takes a village” camp.) 3 years ago we were new there and I didn’t want to make waves.

    I might update if there are any developments one way or the other.
    I think that you have answered your own question. The kid does not bother you or your DD, so why would you say anything to Mom? Take it to the bank, she already knows the child is causing distress to others, people have a way of letting you know when they are bothered. The studio culture is "village" so if that is okay with the parents to have others tell their child to "knock it off" I figure the parent is already getting feedback via the corrections the child is likely getting. You are probably not the only one who tells the child to move along.

    I think that if you were to open that door by telling Mom about all of the negative feedback nothing good will be gained.
     

    Klayfish

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 19, 2016
    Unlike most here, I would say something. Purposely bumping into others? Being mean to others? For three years? While a bunch of adults sit by and watch? I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I respect myself too much to allow that behavior in a space I am paying to occupy.

    And I would also distance myself from the mother. I have zero respect for any parent that can sit by and watch their child touch others and be mean to others.

    THREE YEARS!?!??:headache:
    Yep, completely agree. I don't see anything wrong with speaking up. You don't have to cause a scene or be uber aggressive about it. You can be polite while being clear that it's an issue for you and others around the area.

    I definitely wouldn't take my kid out if they really liked it. Why would I do what amounts to a punishment for my child because someone else can't control their own kid?
     

    StitchesGr8Fan

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    Jul 17, 2009
    I think that you have answered your own question. The kid does not bother you or your DD, so why would you say anything to Mom? Take it to the bank, she already knows the child is causing distress to others, people have a way of letting you know when they are bothered. The studio culture is "village" so if that is okay with the parents to have others tell their child to "knock it off" I figure the parent is already getting feedback via the corrections the child is likely getting. You are probably not the only one who tells the child to move along.

    I think that if you were to open that door by telling Mom about all of the negative feedback nothing good will be gained.
    I agree with a lot of the posts, and as I implied I won’t say anything. I do, however, need to figure out how I will respond if the situation escalated and the studio approaches this family about the issue. I guarantee the mom will come to me and ask if if I knew people complained or if I think the child is an issue. I will have to skirt around the fact that I knew people were upset, and tactfully say that yes the child’s behavior is more disruptive than they think it is.

    Believe it or not, I like this mom. I won’t go in to the dynamics of this family, but I think she is doing the best she can. She needs support, not another person avoiding her.
     
  • Nancyg56

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 17, 2005
    I agree with a lot of the posts, and as I implied I won’t say anything. I do, however, need to figure out how I will respond if the situation escalated and the studio approaches this family about the issue. I guarantee the mom will come to me and ask if if I knew people complained or if I think the child is an issue. I will have to skirt around the fact that I knew people were upset, and tactfully say that yes the child’s behavior is more disruptive than they think it is.

    Believe it or not, I like this mom. I won’t go in to the dynamics of this family, but I think she is doing the best she can. She needs support, not another person avoiding her.
    When my DGD was little I was her caregiver and so I had a lot of opportunities to interact with one of the families in town.They had their youngest later in life and he had quite a few behavioral challenges. A lot. Mom and Dad were bot resistant to any feedback from the school etc. Anyway she was a very nice lady and her DH was oblivious to a lot. He was the guy who was there but who really did not show up, KWIM? Well, as much as I found her child to be difficult, disruptive, and badly behaved, I liked her. She was usually alone because most people wanted to avoid as much as possible, so I sat with her at whatever activity we both attended, and because her son was the same age as my DGD there were a lot of them. Swimming lessons, softball and soccer, it goes on and on.

    The truth was that she knew her son was disruptive and she knew that his behavior not only isolated her, but him as well. She just was not ready to do anything about it for her own reasons. I seldom said much either way because I could not see what the benefit would be, but I did know that the consequence might be. My threshold for answering these kinds of questions you are anticipating is "Will the answer bring harm or hurt?" In your case I agree that I woudl never let Mom know folks were gossiping about her and the child, and I would only answer how the child's behavior directly affected me. I am not sure how to tactfully tell a mom her kid is disruptive, so I do nto envy your position.
     

    Klayfish

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 19, 2016
    I agree with a lot of the posts, and as I implied I won’t say anything. I do, however, need to figure out how I will respond if the situation escalated and the studio approaches this family about the issue. I guarantee the mom will come to me and ask if if I knew people complained or if I think the child is an issue. I will have to skirt around the fact that I knew people were upset, and tactfully say that yes the child’s behavior is more disruptive than they think it is.

    Believe it or not, I like this mom. I won’t go in to the dynamics of this family, but I think she is doing the best she can. She needs support, not another person avoiding her.
    To me, this is all the more reason to say something to her. If she needs support and not people avoiding her, then why join the crowd who avoids her and says nothing? You can absolutely approach it in a supportive and non-confrontational manner. Who knows, perhaps it's the helping hand she may need.

    Why put yourself in a situation where you're going to have to skirt around (i.e. lie) around the fact that you knew people were upset and chose not to say anything?

    Do what you think is best, but to me this screams out for saying something.
     

    mjkacmom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 20, 2006
    To me, this is all the more reason to say something to her. If she needs support and not people avoiding her, then why join the crowd who avoids her and says nothing? You can absolutely approach it in a supportive and non-confrontational manner. Who knows, perhaps it's the helping hand she may need.

    Why put yourself in a situation where you're going to have to skirt around (i.e. lie) around the fact that you knew people were upset and chose not to say anything?

    Do what you think is best, but to me this screams out for saying something.
    As a woman, and a mom, and a dance mom, and the mom of 3 daughters, who has a sister, and 4 SIL’s, with tons of female friends, ranging from elementary school until recent, most who are also moms, saying something in this situation will most likely do more bad than good. As you can see from most of responses from women, the majority agree.
     

    Klayfish

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 19, 2016
    As a woman, and a mom, and a dance mom, and the mom of 3 daughters, who has a sister, and 4 SIL’s, with tons of female friends, ranging from elementary school until recent, most who are also moms, saying something in this situation will most likely do more bad than good. As you can see from most of responses from women, the majority agree.
    So a man can't have an opinion? What are you, a feminist?? :P

    Apparently unlike the husband in OPs situation, I'm immersed in plenty of social circles around kids activities, including siblings who tag along. Doesn't have to be a herd mentality in responses here, does it? I can see where people would think it would do more bad than good, but IMO I can also seeing it doing plenty of good and doing plenty of harm letting it fester in silence.
     
  • Nancyg56

    DIS Veteran
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    Aug 17, 2005
    To me, this is all the more reason to say something to her. If she needs support and not people avoiding her, then why join the crowd who avoids her and says nothing? You can absolutely approach it in a supportive and non-confrontational manner. Who knows, perhaps it's the helping hand she may need.

    Why put yourself in a situation where you're going to have to skirt around (i.e. lie) around the fact that you knew people were upset and chose not to say anything?

    Do what you think is best, but to me this screams out for saying something.
    I get what you are saying and in theory you are correct. In practice, this rarely ends well. The reason Mom is able to get some semblance of support from the OP is because OP has chosen not to say something. The fact the OP has tried to correct the child is her way of telling Mom to step up. If she crosses the boundary line and make no mistake, there is a line in the sand, the Mom will likely feel she has lost the one "friend" she has in that group. Believe me, Mom knows. She either cannot or will not make the decision to correct her child
     

    Chocolate Cake

    DIS Veteran
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    Nov 24, 2014
    Let's pretend this was an adult running around, bumping into people on purpose, and saying mean things to others on a regular basis. Would we all sit by? No. In fact, if an adult repeatedly touched others with out permission, the police would be called for assault.

    So why are people sitting hushed while watching a child do all of these things? In what world do we allow a child to act like this for 1 minute, let alone 3 years?
     

    Chocolate Cake

    DIS Veteran
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    Nov 24, 2014
    As a woman, and a mom, and a dance mom, and the mom of 3 daughters, who has a sister, and 4 SIL’s, with tons of female friends, ranging from elementary school until recent, most who are also moms, saying something in this situation will most likely do more bad than good. As you can see from most of responses from women, the majority agree.
    And it's absolutely strange to me for everyone to agree that a child should be allowed to treat others in this fashion. We teach our children to not touch others, to not say mean things. But when it actually happens, everyone agrees it's best to sit by and allow it to happen?

    I would never just sit by and allow this to happen before my eyes. Never. That woman would know where I stand on that kind of behavior. Friend or not. And I must say this again, I could never be friends with someone that allows her child to behave in this manner. No matter what her positive attributes are, this would overshadow them.
     

    mjkacmom

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    Joined
    Feb 20, 2006
    And it's absolutely strange to me for everyone to agree that a child should be allowed to treat others in this fashion. We teach our children to not touch others, to not say mean things. But when it actually happens, everyone agrees it's best to sit by and allow it to happen?

    I would never just sit by and allow this to happen before my eyes. Never. That woman would know where I stand on that kind of behavior. Friend or not. And I must say this again, I could never be friends with someone that allows her child to behave in this manner. No matter what her positive attributes are, this would overshadow them.
    OP says she does correct the child, and also seems to like the mom and enjoy their friendship. I’m also guessing (although this information hasn’t been given for whatever reason) that this child is very young. The OP can choose to ignore the child, correct the child (which apparently she does), or not sit in the waiting room (which would be my choice). Or, she can tell the mom her child is a brat, everyone knows it and is sick of it, and lose a friend and make future waiting room encounters awkward from here on.
     

    mjkacmom

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    Feb 20, 2006
    So a man can't have an opinion? What are you, a feminist?? :P

    Apparently unlike the husband in OPs situation, I'm immersed in plenty of social circles around kids activities, including siblings who tag along. Doesn't have to be a herd mentality in responses here, does it? I can see where people would think it would do more bad than good, but IMO I can also seeing it doing plenty of good and doing plenty of harm letting it fester in silence.
    I’m guessing that if this dad is in the waiting room at dance class, he is heavily immersed in the kids activities! My DH has even taken our girls to dance competitions, where the women regularly take over the men’s bathrooms, since the lines for the ladies rooms is long, and there are only 5 men in the building. It has been my experience that moms do not take criticism of their children well (ask any teacher). I loathe the expression “mama bear,” but it’s a thing.
     

    tcufrog

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 18, 2012
    If it’s getting on your last nerves I’d do something else during class. My son’s current dance studio has an inadequate, loud waiting room plus the parents aren’t sociable so I use the time grocery shop, get gas, get work done in my car, etc.
     

    cabanafrau

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 10, 2006
    I agree with a lot of the posts, and as I implied I won’t say anything. I do, however, need to figure out how I will respond if the situation escalated and the studio approaches this family about the issue. I guarantee the mom will come to me and ask if if I knew people complained or if I think the child is an issue. I will have to skirt around the fact that I knew people were upset, and tactfully say that yes the child’s behavior is more disruptive than they think it is.

    Believe it or not, I like this mom. I won’t go in to the dynamics of this family, but I think she is doing the best she can. She needs support, not another person avoiding her.
    I don't understand the idea that you can guarantee the mom will come to you, and that you know exactly what she will ask? There's no need to skirt anything. If she asks tell her directly you have noticed the behavior over the past three years, have in the past been bothered by the behavior and have over time found ways to cope with it -- and that you have made no complaints to the dance studio.

    She can only make you responsible for what you allow, and it makes no sense for her to assume that you are some kind of gatekeeper, and even less for you to accept the nomination. If she wants to get upset about getting an honest answer from you, she shouldn't have asked the question and put you on the spot. If she's bothered that you had knowledge that people were upset, that's on her. This isn't an obscure, one-time incident. This is a three-year pattern of behavior that from your own words is simply normal for this child. The parents will have both witnessed it and encountered reaction from it before. To somehow suggest that you and you alone bear the responsibility for keeping mom informed and protecting her feelings makes zero sense. If you've not complained to the parents and haven't complained to the dance studio about the behavior and have still attempted to treat both parents and child pleasantly, what is there for them to be upset with you about?
     

    Wishing on a star

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 7, 2002
    Easy.... similarly to the post above.
    You should not answer for anyone elses actions.
    You should only answer for yourself.
    Just openly say that.
    You have sometimes found these behaviors to be an issue.
    You have tried to approach it with patience. You have not made a complaint.
    Others might have made complaints, but you would really have to ask them....

    WHO complained is not only a moot point, but also a factor that can only lead to more hard feelings and issues.

    Again, I totally understand!!! This can get on one's very last nerve! It can cause issues and even make you angry!
    But, to re-state - DO NOT OVER INVOLVE YOURSELF.
    I understand your feelings, and that your motives are probably good... But, just don't.
     

    Chocolate Cake

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Nov 24, 2014
    But, to re-state - DO NOT OVER INVOLVE YOURSELF.
    I understand your feelings, and that your motives are probably good... But, just don't.
    Yes. Just sit back like eveyone else and watch this child purposely bump into the other children and say mean things to them for years on end.

    It's so foreign to me that anyone thinks this is ok.
     

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