Writing will-who to appoint for guardian?

[me again]

We're doing some administrative paperwork and realized we don't have a will, so that's first on our list this week. We will use Will Writer (already bought it) can't afford a high-priced lawyer.

If you happen to catch some of my other posts my dh is laid off and has been for about 6 months, no prospects in sight, so finances are tight, that's why we can't use a lawyer. We figure a basic, standard will would suffice.

Our situation is pretty straight forward, we have two children, the main thing we would need is for the will to appoint a guardian for our kids, but there's simply no one for that role. Both our parents are dead, I'm an only child, my dh has a brother but he's a bum, wouldn't let him have access to the kids assets or they'd be gone in a month. Really, we've racked our brains, but we just don't have any relatives who could fit the role, and friends we approached refused.

What does one do in such a case? Does the court appoint a guardian? How could we approach friends to do this--being a guadrian doesn't mean they adopt the child, just means they handle the paperwork and administer placing the children. Has anyone else been in such a situation?

 

[WildGrits]

Really, we've racked our brains, but we just don't have any relatives who could fit the role, and friends we approached refused.

WOW thats a rough crowd. Out and out refused?

Unless a family member comes forward, they will be placed in foster care. The court will appoint a guardian. After that I have no idea.

I am assuming that you have no Godparents for your children. Maybe now would be a good time to find some.

Good luck in your search.

 

[eliza61]

Our situation is pretty straight forward, we have two children, the main thing we would need is for the will to appoint a guardian for our kids, but there's simply no one for that role. Both our parents are dead, I'm an only child, my dh has a brother but he's a bum, wouldn't let him have access to the kids assets or they'd be gone in a month. Really, we've racked our brains, but we just don't have any relatives who could fit the role, and friends we approached refused.
?

I'm in the same situation. I have 2 kids and the person who is on our will when we originally prepared it, 14 years ago is no longer capable. Unfortuanetly I would not leave a dog I liked with my brother let alone my kids so we're raking our brains trying to find a suitable guardian. Luckily my kids are 16 & 13 so even if we had to appoint a grandparent (which would not be our first choice. we love them but raising teenagers is hard enough for us in our late 40's can't imagine doing it in my 70's) it would be for a short period of time.
We sadly joke that we are not allowed to die at the same time.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

That is a rough one. I can't even dream of refusing a family member something like that-but that is me, I just couldn't live with the guilt of seeing an innocent child go into the foster care system and become a ward of the state. Hence...we are in the process of adopting my nephew since my oldest sister was killed nearly two years ago. Never thought we'd be starting over again since we have teens, but we are-now we have a 2 year old little guy in the house! I cannot imagine him not being in our lives.

I don't know what the right answer would be for you. I'd keep searching for someone. Odds are, that something horrific is not going to happen to both of you. The person you appoint to be guardian does not necessarily get control of your assets and money-unless you want it that way. You can mandate that a trust be set up by the court and managed by the court. Normally a monthly allotment is given for the care of the kids and then when it comes time for car/college or some other major expense, the guardian would have to petition the court and the court approves or denies it-if approved they usually insist on paying direct to the college or car dealer or what have you. This kind of ensures that the money is not piddled away. The only thing the guardian will get is a monthly statement of the trust, but that is it. Not a darn thing they can do with that.

 

[MSSANDRA]

That is very sad and very scary. That being said we did not choose a relative for our son's guardian if something happens. I have a sister who would be ok and DH had a brother that would be ok but we choose our best friends whom share our same religious view and same moral values. We did this even before we brought DS home from the hospital. We also made them the ones that would handle the money until DS was 18. We however also knew that these friends would adopt DS and raise him as thier own if something would happen to us. Without this, your children are at the mercy of the courts. Do you have a church family? Perhaps someone there would be willing to be take on that role.
BTW- We did not tell our sibblings that we had choosen someone else to raise DS but made sure that both sets of grandparents did know.

Prayer for you as you tackle this issue.

 

[malibuconlee]

DH and I after nearly 10 years of marriage have decided we are going to try for a baby. This is one of the issues I struggled with for a long time.

Dh has an older sister and when she was married to her first husband I loved him and always told DH that if we had kids I'd want them to take care of our children if anything were to happen to us. Then she got divorced.

I didn't want DH's younger sister, they can't afford the two they have and I disagree with their parenting skills. My brother and his wife aren't in the best of health and while they would love my kids, they just haven't lived in an environment I'd want my kids raised in. I do have a younger sister, but again, I wouldn't go there with my children.

DH's older sister has been remarried, but I don't know him all that well as the whole time they've been together we've lived far away. Plus he's Catholic and we are not. However, when DH's grandmother died I saw how much effort he put into our family even tho his mom had an accident and required surgery while we were back.

So, DH and I have discussed it, when/if we are blessed with a baby we are going to ask them to be guardians of our children should something happen to us. My best friend from high school lives in the same area as them and we'll ask her and her husband to be in charge of the trust we'll set up.

How old are your children? Are there any friends they're particularly close to?

On a funny note, when DH was 17 his dad's Nation Guard unit was activated for Desert Storm. His parents redid their will. If something should happen to his mom he and his younger sis would go live with their aunt and uncle. They have never changed their will. I have asked this aunt if I could come too.

 

[brymolmom]

I would suggest finding someone else to ask. Join a group or a church where you might find some people with similar values. And, this is KEY...when you sit down to ask the question make sure you have everything mapped out - like what your financial situation is. Really, if at all possible, you should have enough life insurance so that the guardians will not have to change their lifestyle or shortchange their own children because they are raising yours as well. This might be a reason people would turn you down. Look into some term life insurance (can be cheap) - and maybe get a new policy. Then, outline what you have in assets, what can be used for education of your children,etc. as you ask the question. And make sure to give them time to think about it - it is a BIG decision.

 

[Twingle]

To the OP: If there is not a guardian named for your minor children, the children will usually go to foster care. If you've not named a guardian for your child, and someone comes forward saying they would like to be guardian, there will usually be a court liason that would examine the situation and make sure it would be a "good" place to place the children.

How old are your children? You didn't say, but depending on their ages, you can state in your will that you would like the oldest child to be guardian of the youngest, again, depending on the ages. In Virginia, they will sometimes make exceptions if the oldest child is still 17.

I know that it can be very difficult to not have a guardian in place when filling out your will. When we first did ours, we just had our son, and named my parents as first guardians, in the event that they passed before us, my sons godparents would be his guardians. However, once we had our twins, the godparents (all three kids have the same godparents) asked to be removed from our will as guardian. They just weren't comfortable with the possibility of adding three more minor children to their household. As much as it hurt to hear, I could understand their point.

Now, we have wonderful friends that love our children like their own, and have the same religious beliefs and moral values that we do. In the event that my parents have already passed, and something happens to my DH and myself, my children will be raised by our friends. There is no way that my DH's family would be guardians - and my brother and his wife have no relationship with my children.

In any event, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It seems from your post that your family has really gone through alot in a short amount of time. I agree with a PP though, and having a church family can be a wonderful thing.

Good luck to you -

 

[me again]

Well I'm anxious to have at least something for a will, so we're going to write one today using Will Writer.

We live in Texas. According to their laws, if one spouse dies, the home does not automatically go to the surviving spouse if there's children, the home goes to the surviving children, if minors, under some sort of trust. That was to protect the surviving children from the surviving spouse selling the home and leaving the kids, but it has had the opposite effect in many cases.

The surviving spouse is left with a home he can't afford, can't move for another job because he's tied to the home, can't sell it, stuck with it. At least a will would address that issue, its pretty simple, the home is left to the surviving spouse.

Its a long story about our almost non-existant family, but we do have a few cousins who are about our age, good moral values, etc., live nearby. We cold just name them in the will, they don't even have to know about it or give permission, that isn't necessary. Its recommended we have a seperate attachment to the will with updated contact information for all persons named in the will. If the unthinkable happens those people would be contacted, they could decide from there how they would take it, less legal hurdles to jump over. Its not like I'm "tricking" them into being guardians, just that we really don't need a long discussion to name them in the will, there's no legal obligation to being named, they can always back out.

Its a long story, but most of our immediate family is dead, any "friends" enemies would be better!

One poster brought up a good point--perhaps some people have refused because they fear the financial committment. Their eyes would pop if they knew how much the kids would get--we each carry a million dollar term life insurance policy, not to mention other assets. We took out those policies precisely because we realize we don't have anyone to turn to, they would protect the kids. But we need someone to administer the whole thing.

But......we're leary of even telling anyone about our finances, people get funny ideas.

Well, we want to write something, perhaps we should break our piggy bank and hire a lawyer who knows what he's doing (is that an oxymoron )

After all, we're trying to protect our nest egg for our security and the kids security, best to use some of it to protect the bulk of it!

My greatest fear is that the kids would fall in the hands of my BIL. Believe me, foster care would be better! He and his wife are one piece of work!I don't even carry my purse around them, last visit I got fraud alerts on 3 credit cards, apparently they had lifted some cc's, obtained the numbers, and were "test driving" them. Also, SIL gobbled up some of my pain pills--I'm recovering from back surgery, those pills are hard to get and I do need them. Well, I left my purse on the kitchen table (bad move) came back and the purse was not where I left it, SIL had her back to me, didn't respond to me for a few seconds, then made a huge swallowing move, then gave me a silly look, then slugged down a drink of water like "something was stuck in her throat" Withing a few minutes she started acting lit, I checked my medicine bottle, it was almost empty, I figured she'd downed at least 5--or pocketed some. I immediatedly put a stop on the refills, didn't know if she'd had time to copy the number. Now do you see what I mean about preferring foster care over them? I shudder to think what would happen to my babies in their hands!

Well, I have a few cousins, perhaps should look again at them. One cousin is older than me, perhaps not the appropriate choice, but her children are grown, she's an elementary school teacher, he husband is an attorney, the live in another state, but my argument about the age thing is that they would still be young enough to handle kids for their remaining years until adulthood ~8 years (sad there's so little time left of their childhood!). I have some family networking to do!

 

[me again]

I would suggest finding someone else to ask. Join a group or a church where you might find some people with similar values. And, this is KEY...when you sit down to ask the question make sure you have everything mapped out - like what your financial situation is. Really, if at all possible, you should have enough life insurance so that the guardians will not have to change their lifestyle or shortchange their own children because they are raising yours as well. This might be a reason people would turn you down. Look into some term life insurance (can be cheap) - and maybe get a new policy. Then, outline what you have in assets, what can be used for education of your children,etc. as you ask the question. And make sure to give them time to think about it - it is a BIG decision.

I think one of the keys to this issue is to give someone time to think about it.

Perhaps our approach was wrong--all phone or face-to-face. That really put them on the spot. Perhaps a letter or email would give a buffer to think about it and formulate a reply with feeling on the spot.

 

[jenrein]

My experience:

My uncle and aunt split and were working towards divorce. My uncle killed my aunt and himself in front of 2 out of 3 of their kids. There was no will. The children were going to be placed in foster care and split up unless a family member would step forward. Theres the crazy grandma, the drunk uncle, the single aunt and my parents. Of course my parents took the 3 kids in. They were 7,8 and 12 the oldest the only girl. My parents had 3 kids already- 7, 8 and 15 all girls. Well they didnt think twice. We had an addition put on the house to add 2 bedrooms and another bathroom. My parents treated them like their own. They had chores but they also got thousands of dollars in school clothes just as we did. They played sports and my parents volunteered for the team. They were well taken care of. From my point of view- our family vacations stopped happening. I had to drive kids all over when I got my license. I had to share a room with a girl only a couple years younger than me who had a lot of issues with lying. My life was turned sideways. Well I am 30 now- The oldest girl had 2 kids and stole from my parents and was sent to a psychiatric unit when she left a suicide note to get attention and finally they had to kick her out at 19. The middle kid is about to get married and has a kid- has NOT talked to me or my parents in over 3 years. The youngest kid molested my daughter while babysitting her (and also molested 3 other kids) went to juvenile detention (of course wasnt 18 when he did this and will never have to tell anyone about it and there is no record) bought a car and had it repo'd and now lives off of the crazy grandma that was previously mentioned. Oh and hes had 2 DWI's. I cannot tell you the amount of counseling my parents lined up for them. They were given every opportunity they could ever have imagined. What do we show for it? 3 people who will forever be a strain on society. And people wonder why they have such a hard time getting people to step up as gaurdian for their children?? I learned the hard way by having my life and opportunities taken from me and now my daughter as well.

 

[me again]

My experience:

My uncle and aunt split and were working towards divorce. My uncle killed my aunt and himself in front of 2 out of 3 of their kids. There was no will. The children were going to be placed in foster care and split up unless a family member would step forward. Theres the crazy grandma, the drunk uncle, the single aunt and my parents. Of course my parents took the 3 kids in. They were 7,8 and 12 the oldest the only girl. My parents had 3 kids already- 7, 8 and 15 all girls. Well they didnt think twice. We had an addition put on the house to add 2 bedrooms and another bathroom. My parents treated them like their own. They had chores but they also got thousands of dollars in school clothes just as we did. They played sports and my parents volunteered for the team. They were well taken care of. From my point of view- our family vacations stopped happening. I had to drive kids all over when I got my license. I had to share a room with a girl only a couple years younger than me who had a lot of issues with lying. My life was turned sideways. Well I am 30 now- The oldest girl had 2 kids and stole from my parents and was sent to a psychiatric unit when she left a suicide note to get attention and finally they had to kick her out at 19. The middle kid is about to get married and has a kid- has NOT talked to me or my parents in over 3 years. The youngest kid molested my daughter while babysitting her (and also molested 3 other kids) went to juvenile detention (of course wasnt 18 when he did this and will never have to tell anyone about it and there is no record) bought a car and had it repo'd and now lives off of the crazy grandma that was previously mentioned. Oh and hes had 2 DWI's. I cannot tell you the amount of counseling my parents lined up for them. They were given every opportunity they could ever have imagined. What do we show for it? 3 people who will forever be a strain on society. And people wonder why they have such a hard time getting people to step up as gaurdian for their children?? I learned the hard way by having my life and opportunities taken from me and now my daughter as well.

Well I certainly would hope my kids wouldn't be such a burden on any present or future family! But then again we don't plan on setting our kids up for the looney bin by killing ourselves in front of them!

Sorry your family situation has been so rough. Hopefully things will be better from now on--what's that old saying--no good deed goes unpunished? Your parents tried to do the right thing, it backfired. But the kids they took in had issues to begin with that weren't your parents fault, your parents sound like wonderful people. You need to go forward--God Bless!

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

My experience:

My uncle and aunt split and were working towards divorce. My uncle killed my aunt and himself in front of 2 out of 3 of their kids. There was no will. The children were going to be placed in foster care and split up unless a family member would step forward. Theres the crazy grandma, the drunk uncle, the single aunt and my parents. Of course my parents took the 3 kids in. They were 7,8 and 12 the oldest the only girl. My parents had 3 kids already- 7, 8 and 15 all girls. Well they didnt think twice. We had an addition put on the house to add 2 bedrooms and another bathroom. My parents treated them like their own. They had chores but they also got thousands of dollars in school clothes just as we did. They played sports and my parents volunteered for the team. They were well taken care of. From my point of view- our family vacations stopped happening. I had to drive kids all over when I got my license. I had to share a room with a girl only a couple years younger than me who had a lot of issues with lying. My life was turned sideways. Well I am 30 now- The oldest girl had 2 kids and stole from my parents and was sent to a psychiatric unit when she left a suicide note to get attention and finally they had to kick her out at 19. The middle kid is about to get married and has a kid- has NOT talked to me or my parents in over 3 years. The youngest kid molested my daughter while babysitting her (and also molested 3 other kids) went to juvenile detention (of course wasnt 18 when he did this and will never have to tell anyone about it and there is no record) bought a car and had it repo'd and now lives off of the crazy grandma that was previously mentioned. Oh and hes had 2 DWI's. I cannot tell you the amount of counseling my parents lined up for them. They were given every opportunity they could ever have imagined. What do we show for it? 3 people who will forever be a strain on society. And people wonder why they have such a hard time getting people to step up as gaurdian for their children?? I learned the hard way by having my life and opportunities taken from me and now my daughter as well.

Wow...that is terrible! Very sorry for the experience your family had. It sounds like a losing situation for all involved. At least your parents have the peace of mind that they did the right thing, even if it did not turn out well.

 

[jenrein]

Wow...that is terrible! Very sorry for the experience your family had. It sounds like a losing situation for all involved. At least your parents have the peace of mind that they did the right thing, even if it did not turn out well.

I know- thats the only good that came out of it. I know they are proud they stepped up and in our small community they were looked at with great admiration. They are proud but still feel like the turnout could have been a little better. I dont think it could have been worse.

 

[jenrein]

Well I certainly would hope my kids wouldn't be such a burden on any present or future family! But then again we don't plan on setting our kids up for the looney bin by killing ourselves in front of them!

Sorry your family situation has been so rough. Hopefully things will be better from now on--what's that old saying--no good deed goes unpunished? Your parents tried to do the right thing, it backfired. But the kids they took in had issues to begin with that weren't your parents fault, your parents sound like wonderful people. You need to go forward--God Bless!

I have to laugh at the looney bin comment. The sad truth is I dont think their parents planned that either. Not trying to be a jerk- their mom started her own Nursery School from scratch and it was a greatly respected school with a lot of kids trying to attend every year. Her husband worked for Chevy- they had a house and were happy. She started to lose weight and he got jealous assuming it was because she was having an affair. In a matter of months it went from happy family no problems to this end result. She volunteered her time to a park near the nursery school and was just opening the park for the day with 2 of the kids with her. He pulled in behind her car grabbed her and shot her then shot himself. The kids ran for help and didnt make it to the neighboring house in time. Life changes. It was devastating to the community because no one saw it coming- those are the situations that hurt everyone the worst.

 

[me again]

I have to laugh at the looney bin comment. The sad truth is I dont think their parents planned that either. Not trying to be a jerk- their mom started her own Nursery School from scratch and it was a greatly respected school with a lot of kids trying to attend every year. Her husband worked for Chevy- they had a house and were happy. She started to lose weight and he got jealous assuming it was because she was having an affair. In a matter of months it went from happy family no problems to this end result. She volunteered her time to a park near the nursery school and was just opening the park for the day with 2 of the kids with her. He pulled in behind her car grabbed her and shot her then shot himself. The kids ran for help and didnt make it to the neighboring house in time. Life changes. It was devastating to the community because no one saw it coming- those are the situations that hurt everyone the worst.

Well., maybe I'll think twice about starting that diet--who would think it would lead to such a direction?

I am sorry your family had such a touch time. Just shows how your actions affect others, even long after the event. Good luck with the future, you deserve a good one!

 

[lecach]

Not sure what to tell you. We have people willing but the problem is who to choose. My SIL and her DH are wonderful with DS. Would love them like their own. They are in their early 30's. And very financially stable. On the other hand we have my Mom. She's 58 but she would give up everything to care for my DS. She loves him so much. While she would be great with DS - she's not getting any younger. If we choose my Mom - others will be hurt. If we choose SIL - my Mom would be crushed. So we haven't made a choice.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I am certainly no legal expert but Since my dad died last month I have learned a little bit about wills. It is very important to put exactly what you want to happen as well as what you do not want to happen in that will. You can stipulate that the children NOT go to whom ever you want to make sure does not get them.
Make sure if you can not afford a lawyer, to at least have it notorized.

Not any of my business but I would never put down anyone to take any kind of responcibility for my children without talking with them and being sure that they are ok with that. You can let whom ever you choose know that your children will be provided for with our mentioning millions, but if it was someone I did not trust wtih my money, I would not trust them with my children.

 

[My2Cinderellas]

I'll just add a couple of things our lawyer recommended when we did our wills. I can't address the "who to choose" as we are fortunate to have DH's sister.

1. separate physical custody and control of the money if possible.

2. if you are naming a relative, only name that person "mary smith" not "john and mary smith" in case they divorce or if Mary passes and you do not want John to have custody if Mary isn't around, however unlikely that seems

3. set up a specific plan of how and when the estate will be turned over to the children down the road. We did 1/3 of their share when they turn 18, 1/3 at 25 and 1/3 at 30. If we had a child with life-long special needs, that would be a different situation. If we had older kids who had proven to be bad with money, I might change the payout ages.

 

[Memaw2Wm]

Well, we want to write something, perhaps we should break our piggy bank and hire a lawyer who knows what he's doing (is that an oxymoron )

I work for an estate planning lawyer and it is money well spent to hire one to prepare your estate planning docments ... wills, advance medical directives and financial powers of attorney.

If a will is prepared or executed incorrectly it can be judged invalid and the intestate (no will) laws of your state will decide what happens to your assets and your children. A properly prepared will can help you avoid paying more estate taxes than necessary too.

So spend the money and get documents prepared that will allow YOUR wishes to be carried out.