Would you want to know?

[Pixie Dust ✨]

What a selfish man.

I hope the girl is not harmed by his thoughtless actions.

 

[cabanafrau]

Honestly I wasn't at the table when all this was being discussed. My guess is my DH was scared, alone, and being manipulated by the other side.

All of your speculation slants the story one way, through the lens that views your husband favorably because you know a full picture of the man. (Absolutely understandable) Remember this other family had a probably scared teenage daughter and a boy who was so ill equipped to step into the role of father that he hid the situation from his family altogether. You said they were a military family that moved around, so probably not a family instantly familiar to the other family from soccer league, PTA, church, whatever. Maybe that shaded how they viewed your inlaws and your husband and they decided the best way to secure a stable future for their daughter and her baby was to make it happen themselves. It would be understandable that they see it as your husband and his family getting away with zero responsibilities and shouldn't have the opportunity now to upset the apple cart.

 

[Hikergirl]

You don't pay support when you waive your parental rights. I am quite sure he isn't trying to be a parent now, just would like to get to know her. That is different.

How can you possibly know if you would want to know or not if you haven't been in that situation? You can't know. You can speculate, you can guess, you can think, but you can't know.

I am on message boards with THOUSANDS of adoptees looking and wanting to know. In fact, I have not met one adoptee who isn't curious and doesn't want to know. I have met a few who haven't pursued it because they are afraid or nervous, but not that they don't want to know.

And what if they didn't know they were adoptees? It isn't the same situation at all.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Wow. He's NOT her father, sperm donor maybe, but he gave up any right to be her father. How incredibly selfish to think he has any right to disrupt her life now. Whether she's been told she's adopted or not is really none of your business and you really have no idea what she's been told. She may have known for years and couldn't care less about a guy who wanted nothing to do with her.

 

[HarleenQ]

And I think that is wrong. I have always known. My son has always known. I think it is horrible that the grandparents wouldn't tell her. I think she should know. It isn't "ruining" her life. It is ruining it by lying to her about who she is.

Those on my message board who found out later in life are far more traumatized. The truth does come out, and the longer it takes, the more damage it does.

Well, that's your opinion on it. I'm not really going to judge the adoptive parents if they chose to not tell her. You're opinion is based on your experiences. If this girl is living a happy, healthy, normal life I'm not going to say I think it's wrong. It's right for that family. It's not just one way in this situation.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that live amazing lives without ever knowing, you just wouldn't hear about that kind of a story since they don't know to tell it.

I agree that's a big difference. I think ultimately it needs to be the choice of the adoptee. That's why the registry is perfect. The biological parent can register and wait until the day the child is ready. Inserting one's self when the child has not expressed a desire to have the information is just wrong, IMO. That makes it about the bio parent, and not about the child.

Totally agree. I think the OP's ideas of telling this person are based in selfishness, not care about this person in general.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

For goodness sakes--no one knows that this girl doesn't know she is adopted. OP, and her husband, are assuming that is why he was blocked when he attempted to contact them out of the blue on facebook when she was 13.
That's it. Unless OP is leaving a lot out, that is the only information they have to go on.

I read the information here thus:

1. 16 year old boy and 18 year old girl have an unplanned pregnancy. Girl and her family move away and boy does not make major efforts to see this child of his, hides the fact taht he has a child frmo his family and friends until he turns 18, etc. (so, not only does he make no real effort to see the child but in fact appears to make efforts to not be a part pof her life by hiding her existence).

2. Boy turns 18 and is asked to sign over his parental rights. He does so without finding out much information, without getting any kid of agreement to an open adoption, without talking to his parents or other adult for guidance, etc.

3. Afte signing over his rights, he tells his parents about the baby (why now? He is suddenly no longer afraid?) and htey try to have contact by sending gifts/letters which were retuned unopened. (could it be that the other family does not know his parenst were out of hvte loop and htinks they just want the joy of grandparenting now that all responsiblity is off the shoulders of their son?)

4. Young man does nothing for 11 years. Just lives his life as if he has no child. Does not contact her or the family and certainly does not send child support (not required since he signed away his rights, but if he were REALLY concerned for her wellfare that might be a good place to help).

5. at age 29 the man now decides he'd like contact so he finds the family on facebook and sends a message or tries to frined them (not clear which). We have no idea how this was worded or what he asked for, etc.

6. Family blocked him on facebook/ removed their facebook profiles.

7 Another 7 years go by in which the man does nothign about this daughter. Now she is 20 and he and his wife surmise taht perhaps she doesn't know about him or that she is adopted and convince themselves that they would be doing her a favour by exposing her to the truth if they contact her. Meanwhile, the man has not had any real contact with the adoptive family/bio mom in 18 years so he has absolutely no idea what this girl was ever told or not told about him or if she has any desire to meet him or not. He is just making wild guesses that support his/his wife's desires.

I agree. They could have just blocked him because she was 13. I wouldn't want anyone rocking my DD's boat at 13.

She's now 20 and an adult. I think it's a different set of circumstances.

 

[cabanafrau]

I need the truth, even if it would mess up my life

We all do things we know we shouldn't, want things we know are bad for us, etc. Hopefully a lot of those times we are young and have a loving parent actually in charge of many of those decisions and can steer the cart in a direction that doesn't mess up our life. Isn't that what good and loving parents try to do, advise us to avoid messing up our lives?

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, other than the time 7 years ago has he ever tried to reach out and have a relationship with her?

 

[Madhatter family]

I never post on the dis but figured I would add my 2 cents on this one because it hits very close to home. I was 23 when my biological father showed up on my doorstep. I had always known I was adopted (I knew his name even), I knew I had siblings. I DID NOT want a relationship with my biological father. I had a family that raised me. At first after he showed up, I tried to have a relationship on an adult level with this man. He however wanted to jump into the "father" role he had missed out on and was spiteful towards my parents. I ended up attempting to sever all ties. He still tries to contact me on birthdays etc. Which upsets me every time he does it. (I'm in my 40s now). He contacts my parents occasionally since I won't talk to him. In hindsight, if I had known who he was the day I opened the door, I wouldn't have opened it. And yes, I have researched my DNA and have a acquaintance type relationship with my siblings but no more than a passing hi once or twice a year.

If the kid has had a happy life, the result you might get may not be what you want. I literally cannot stand to see my biological father in person. You wanted to know if someone would want to know. So my answer is no, I never wanted to know any more than I did and wish I never met him.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you mom2rtk, you are kind! I can be pretty selfish as well; my teenagers reminded me last night when I ate the last chocolate gold coin from Pirate night..we were on the Disney Dream...of course tonight I'm doing 5 loads of laundry!

And of course as a good mom you absolutely looked at them and said "aargh, mateys, the gold is all mine!"

 

[DawnM]

Well, that's your opinion on it. I'm not really going to judge the adoptive parents if they chose to not tell her. You're opinion is based on your experiences. If this girl is living a happy, healthy, normal life I'm not going to say I think it's wrong. It's right for that family. It's not just one way in this situation.

I'm sure there are plenty of people that live amazing lives without ever knowing, you just wouldn't hear about that kind of a story since they don't know to tell it.



Totally agree. I think the OP's ideas of telling this person are based in selfishness, not care about this person in general.

And your opinion is based on your own thinking and understanding. I will again say that if you aren't an adoptee or an parent who has given up your child, you can't possibly know. You can have an opinion, but you can't know what it feels like.

 

[Hikergirl]

And your opinion is based on your own thinking and understanding. I will again say that if you aren't an adoptee or an parent who has given up your child, you can't possibly know. You can have an opinion, but you can't know what it feels like.

Here is the thing in this situation, either she knows she is adopted or she doesn't.
If she knows then if she wants to get to kow him or pursue a relationship she can contact him. She hasn't so either she doesn't want too or she doesn't know about him.
If she doesn't know he exists then it isn't his place to tell her because he thinks she would want/need to know. It is her parents place. He gave up any rights to that child so he has no "right" to barge into her life now.

 

[DawnM]

I never post on the dis but figured I would add my 2 cents on this one because it hits very close to home. I was 23 when my biological father showed up on my doorstep. I had always known I was adopted (I knew his name even), I knew I had siblings. I DID NOT want a relationship with my biological father. I had a family that raised me. At first after he showed up, I tried to have a relationship on an adult level with this man. He however wanted to jump into the "father" role he had missed out on and was spiteful towards my parents. I ended up attempting to sever all ties. He still tries to contact me on birthdays etc. Which upsets me every time he does it. (I'm in my 40s now). He contacts my parents occasionally since I won't talk to him. In hindsight, if I had known who he was the day I opened the door, I wouldn't have opened it. And yes, I have researched my DNA and have a acquaintance type relationship with my siblings but no more than a passing hi once or twice a year.

If the kid has had a happy life, the result you might get may not be what you want. I literally cannot stand to see my biological father in person. You wanted to know if someone would want to know. So my answer is no, I never wanted to know any more than I did and wish I never met him.

It is unfortunate that he just showed up and surprised you and I am sorry you had a negative experience. Most people DO want to know, even if they don't want an actual relationship, but it sounds like you already knew and already had the DNA you wanted. I did not.


Did you grow up with your biological mother?

 

[Miskey]

And your opinion is based on your own thinking and understanding. I will again say that if you aren't an adoptee or an parent who has given up your child, you can't possibly know. You can have an opinion, but you can't know what it feels like.

But you can't possibly know what every adoptee or parent who gave up a child feels like. Every situation is different and every person feels differently. To assume all adoptees would share the exact same feeling you do is just not reality.

 

[DawnM]

But you can't possibly know what every adoptee or parent who gave up a child feels like. Every situation is different and every person feels differently. To assume all adoptees would share the exact same feeling you do is just not reality.

I am on about 5 different message boards with thousands who feel the way I do. I have several friends who were adopted and they feel this way as well. I haven't yet met anyone in person who doesn't know either of their bio parents and don't know who they are that don't want to know at least something about them.

Having a relationship is an entirely different thing and will depend on what the person is like and expectations. Those are varied stories for sure.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

And your opinion is based on your own thinking and understanding. I will again say that if you aren't an adoptee or an parent who has given up your child, you can't possibly know. You can have an opinion, but you can't know what it feels like.

Based on the original premise of this thread I could be adopted and not know it. I believe I am my parents biological child, but I never asked the question.

If I really was adopted I have no desire to know. I love my parents and my family. All is good and no need to disrupt anything.

I agree the biological father is trying to make himself feel better. He needs to stop claiming this woman as his daughter and concentrate on his current family. The only way I would feel different is if the adopted child was living in a dangerous situation. I see no indication this is the case here.

 

[mom2rtk]

Based on the original premise of this thread I could be adopted and not know it. I believe I am my parents biological child, but I never asked the question.

If I really was adopted I have no desire to know. I love my parents and my family. All is good and no need to disrupt anything.

I agree the biological father is trying to make himself feel better. He needs to stop claiming this woman as his daughter and concentrate on his current family. The only way I would feel different is if the adopted child was living in a dangerous situation. I see no indication this is the case here.

And when asked about how many children he has, he needs to answer with the number of children he is parenting. When people ask that question, I don't think they are really asking how many times you have biologically fathered a child.

 

[DawnM]

Based on the original premise of this thread I could be adopted and not know it. I believe I am my parents biological child, but I never asked the question.

If I really was adopted I have no desire to know. I love my parents and my family. All is good and no need to disrupt anything.

I agree the biological father is trying to make himself feel better. He needs to stop claiming this woman as his daughter and concentrate on his current family. The only way I would feel different is if the adopted child was living in a dangerous situation. I see no indication this is the case here.

I love my family too. That isn't my point.

 

[cabanafrau]

Not if the mother's parents are telling him "this is for the best. Don't worry we'll take care of her and the baby. You can still see her. We won't keep you away." (I don't know if this was said...I'm just assuming) When a teen pregnancy is involved so many parents look out for their own child. They'll say and do anything to ensure their minor child has the best possible future and screw the other party. BTDT.

That's entirely possible. However, even if that is going on the father does have the ability to think and reason for himself as well.

 

[Hikergirl]

I love my family too. That isn't my point.

I think you are missing the point. If someome doesn't know they are an adoptee then they may very well NOT want to know they are. I wouldn't.