Would you tell....

[L107ANGEL]

Lordy, I wasn't trying to single anyone out! Just trying to give a small reason, as the question comes up so often. People write entire dissertations on it, so it isn't like I have all the answers in that one little post, but I just thought I'd say it.

I sure didn't mean you (or anyone else.)

My commet to Laurie was not directed at you Beanie!

Op, sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hardplace, I am truely sorry
What has happened to you, sadly, you have been there before. You know in your heart what you need to do to protect yourself! This subject hits home with me, and I am so sorry

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hi OP, I'm am terribly sorry that you are enduring this again. If you can't turn to your husband in a time of crisis then you need to find someone even if it's a stranger on a rape hotline. No doubt that it's eating you alive isn't it. You are wondering how you let this happen, yet again. You are scared abut what your husband would think but let me tell you that a real man who loved you and cherished you would be worried about you and how you are affected not about how it's affecting him. You cannot keep this inside to let it eat you and kill your soul. It's already hurting quite a bit I'm sure.

I know. I was date raped at 21 years old and a virgin. I told absoutely no one for many reasons. I was embarssed. I knew that people would say I asked for being at his apt, though we had dated for almost 3 months. I was worried about my family. I have very very hot headed men and I was deathly afraid of what would happen. I told no one for over a year and the first person I told was my Matt, who cried for me when I couldn't cry at all. I didn't actually tell him as much as throw it in his face hoping he would leave me alone. Guess the opposite happened since we are married. The point is he cried for my hurt and personal invasion, he never once thought about it affecting him.

Please, please get some help and talk to someone. If you want please feel free to PM me. I am no counselor by anymeans but I can listen.

 

[mommasita]

Oh Tina..

 

[Liberty Belle]

To answer your question, if it happened in my past, possibly not. If it happened recently, yes.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're not alone and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I do think you need to go to the police and the doctor and I'd think it would be best to tell your husband first.

 

[MosMom]

I can't imagine NOT telling him. He would be my pillar of support and I think I would need a strong pillar after going through a horror like that. I would run to him.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[PrincessTiff]

I am a regular member and I know who you are referring to. I don't like what she did one bit. There's no excuse for it. I changed my user name because my husband knows I post here and what name I post under.

For those that responded thank you..... thank you very much. It did happen. I'm scared to death to tell anybody, especially my husband. I know how he feels about women not reporting..........

I wasn't necessarily raped, I was molested, but yes DBF was the first person I told even though it had happened several years before I met him. It felt like a boulder had been lifted off of my shoulders as I had been keeping it in since I was a child. He was very supportive and encouraged me to finally speak up about it. Come to find out, the guy was already in jail for doing the same thing to my young cousin.

 

[PrincessTiff]

I did tell my husband about that incident after we had been together for a while. He seemed okay with it, but later got extremely angry with me because he didn't feel like I did enough in pursuing the matter. It caused a lot of problems between us.... including abuse.

I'm sorry, I hadn't read this post when I initially posted. Get out of this relationship NOW.

 

[PrincessTiff]

I know. I was date raped at 21 years old and a virgin. I told absoutely no one for many reasons. I was embarssed. I knew that people would say I asked for being at his apt, though we had dated for almost 3 months. I was worried about my family. I have very very hot headed men and I was deathly afraid of what would happen. I told no one for over a year and the first person I told was my Matt, who cried for me when I couldn't cry at all. I didn't actually tell him as much as throw it in his face hoping he would leave me alone. Guess the opposite happened since we are married. The point is he cried for my hurt and personal invasion, he never once thought about it affecting him.

I'm so sorry Tina.

DBF was the same way as your Matt. OP- a guy that truly loves you will be there for you to confide in with a shoulder to cry on.

 

[grlpwrd]

I don't want to report it because something similar to this has already happened to me in the past. When I was 15, I was date raped. To put things mildly, the support just wasn't there. I guess it was easier for family/friends to believe that I wanted it as opposed to something that was forced upon me. Whatever the reason, I ended up feeling A LOT dirtier than if I'd just kept my mouth shut.

I did tell my husband about that incident after we had been together for a while. He seemed okay with it, but later got extremely angry with me because he didn't feel like I did enough in pursuing the matter. It caused a lot of problems between us.... including abuse.

I can't believe it's happened again. It's been a week and I can't seem to find the words. I know he has every right to know, but I just don't know if I can tell him.

I don't understand why you didn't include all these details in your initial post. You were/have been victimized several times, including spousal abuse. That changes things ...

I would tell my dh, but your situation is different.

 

[joha]

First, I'm so sorry this happened to you...
I think you should report it and call a rape hotline...Rape is a crime, so is abuse... If you don't feel comfortable telling your husband,please, please, call a rape crisis center.
I'm sorry you are afraid to tell your husband...
Do you understand that you have not done anything wrong? It is not your fault. You need help (and I don't mean that in a derrogatory way), my heart aches after seeing your post, and I usually rerfrain myself from giving advice, but I believe you, and I couldn't help myself.

Please keep us posted, and please seek help.

Best wishes. You are in my prayers.

 

[tiny tears]

I am so very sorry. I didn't mean to bring back such awful memories for some of you. I do appreciate hearing your stories though. Your kind words have not fallen on deaf ears. I have taken them all to heart. Thank you.

I did make an appointment for later today. Now, all I have to do is keep it. I still don't know what to do about my husband. How can you hide something like this without putting your partner at risk? It seems impossible.

For those who were wondering.... I didn't include all of the details in my initial post because it's a lot to swallow all at once and there are some things I'll never get used to freely admitting.

 

[tiny tears]

I'll gladly give you my shoes if you'd like to walk in them.

Many people have been kind enough to offer their support and share their own experiences. I'm sure that wasn't easy for them. Words can't express what that means to me. joha asked me to keep everybody posted and that's what I did.

I thought I was ready to make that step, but I've been brought back to reality by a few of you here. This may only be an internet message board, but you do exist in real life..... and so does your doubt, anger and hostility. Thank you for reminding me what I'd be up against. I almost made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I guess this is where my rape/abuse "story" ends.

 

[JPN4265]

Would you tell your spouse/so if you had been raped.... even if you knew he would want you to report it and that's not something you were willing to do?

(I know an internet message board isn't the best place to ask such a serious question, but it's the only place I feel comfortable asking it.)

If you don't report it, then it could happen again, and you would be partly responsible.....

 

[KristiKelly]

If you don't report it, then it could happen again, and you would be partly responsible.....

IF this is true, do you want to have that on your shoulders. You could prevent another person from being raped.

I have to wonder, if I were in this position, would I be able to hide the fact that I was raped and victimized in one of the worst ways from my DH. Would I just continue to walk through life as though nothing has happened. Surely your husband sees something is wrong - right?

I don't know. A huge part of me hopes this is not true because I hate to think of anyone being raped. If it's not true though, ONCE again, you know who, has gotten people to open up and tell very personal parts about them all for the joy of her. I don't know, maybe she's smarter than we think.

 

[lovemygoofy]

If you don't report it, then it could happen again, and you would be partly responsible.....

That is the most ridiculous thing. She in no way would be responsible. She doesn't decide who the victims would be or tell the rapist to go out and search for someone.

Until you are in the situation, you have NO idea what is like and you have no right to tell this person that it would be partly her fault.

Talking about a rape in public among all the scruitny is some of the hardest things a victim has to do and for some already devasted from a hateful crime, the public ideas can push someone over the edge.


OP: if you are listening/reading still, PLEASE go talk to someone. You need the support and shoulder of someone who cares.

 

[KadysMom]

Tina, You said it perfectly.

 

[r3ngels]

If you don't report it, then it could happen again, and you would be partly responsible.....

Do you mean that she would be responsible because the man is free to do it to another women or is she responsible for the rape...

 

[singingpixie]

Tina, thank you for saying that. I was in a similar situation when I'd just turned 18 and didn't say anything... months later I found out that this guy had a pattern of doing the same thing he did to me to other girls. I did feel guilty for not speaking up, but that was a feeling I put on myself- thank god no one else put that responsibility on me. Victims can do a good and powerful thing by reporthing their sexual assaults, but they have no obligation to society to do so. They have to do what is right for themselves.

 

[diznygirl]

Tina, thank you for saying that. I was in a similar situation when I'd just turned 18 and didn't say anything... months later I found out that this guy had a pattern of doing the same thing he did to me to other girls. I did feel guilty for not speaking up, but that was a feeling I put on myself- thank god no one else put that responsibility on me. Victims can do a good and powerful thing by reporthing their sexual assaults, but they have no obligation to society to do so. They have to do what is right for themselves.

I would respect anyone's privacy. But sexual predators of any kind take comfort in the knowledge that their crimes are usually not reported. It gives them protection, when they should instead be exposed at every opportunity to make society safer.

I'm sorry for anyone who has had to go through this, but as they say No Man is an Island...... what affects one person affects us all.

 

[singingpixie]

I would respect anyone's privacy. But sexual predators of any kind take comfort in the knowledge that their crimes are usually not reported. It gives them protection, when they should instead be exposed at every opportunity to make society safer.

I'm sorry for anyone who has had to go through this, but as they say No Man is an Island...... what affects one person affects us all.

I definitely agree that it's better in general to report... I just think that unless a person has been there, it's easy to say "of course you should report it, you'd be enabling him to rape again if you didn't."

No one is reponsible for another person's actions. The bottom line is, a rape victim has to do what is right for her/him first. Personally, in hindsight, it would have been empowering to take control of the situation. But at the time, I was not prepared to take that step and if someone had guilted me into it, I would have felt even less in control.