Would you tell....

[tiny tears]

If this happened to me - I would run to DH and tell him. DH is my rock. Why don't you want to tell him. This is what marriage is about. You need DH's strenght to guide you through this.

I don't want to report it because something similar to this has already happened to me in the past. When I was 15, I was date raped. To put things mildly, the support just wasn't there. I guess it was easier for family/friends to believe that I wanted it as opposed to something that was forced upon me. Whatever the reason, I ended up feeling A LOT dirtier than if I'd just kept my mouth shut.

I did tell my husband about that incident after we had been together for a while. He seemed okay with it, but later got extremely angry with me because he didn't feel like I did enough in pursuing the matter. It caused a lot of problems between us.... including abuse.

He's not exactly the most level headed person at times.

As for going to any sort of clinic, I live in a small town and it would get out quickly. I'm not ready for that.......

 

[Pam]

He's not exactly the most level headed person at times.

As for going to any sort of clinic, I live in a small town and it would get out quickly. I'm not ready for that.......

Can you go to a Pastor or confide in a close friend, anyone?

Is there a doctor in another town that you can go to?

You shouldn't have to deal with this all on yourself.

If you are in an abusive situation with your husband, have you ever considered leaving him?

 

[Serena]

You will never be ready for this, who ever is?

Talk to your husband. Tell him you've got something important to talk about but he's got to be calm and steady because you desperately need him to be.
But you also have to let him react. This happened to you, he's got to be able to express his feelings too.

This will not go away. You cannot sweep this under the rug and pretend it didnt happen.

And you cannot let this person get away with it.
Do you know who did it?

 

[tiny tears]

There is nobody else in my life that I can rely on.

The abuse was in the past and hasn't happened in years. He said he couldn't deal with his emotions and because I refused to tell him who raped me, I was the only one he could take it out on. I'm afraid of that happening again. The thing is, I can't tell him this time because I honestly don't know.

 

[Pam]

There is nobody else in my life that I can rely on.

The abuse was in the past and hasn't happened in years. He said he couldn't deal with his emotions and because I refused to tell him who raped me, I was the only one he could take it out on. I'm afraid of that happening again. The thing is, I can't tell him this time because I honestly don't know.

If you can't talk to your husband and you have no one else, please either look in your telephone book or go online and find a Rape Hotline.

They are anonymous, trained professionals and will listen to you and offer you some good advice.

 

[Serena]

There is nobody else in my life that I can rely on.

The abuse was in the past and hasn't happened in years. He said he couldn't deal with his emotions and because I refused to tell him who raped me, I was the only one he could take it out on. I'm afraid of that happening again. The thing is, I can't tell him this time because I honestly don't know.

You are in a difficult spot. I am so sorry. I wish someone lived close enough to hold your hand and help you through this.

You will be getting opinions here, some you'll like and some you won't, but we will help you however we can.

Is there a crisis hotline? It should be in your phone book? You need to find out what resources you have nearby. You know you need support or you never would have said anything here, right?
Is there no one at all that you could go to for support? A friend, relative, coworker, boss even? A doctor, preacher, even your old highschool could give you some phone numbers to go from. The welfare office? anyone?

 

[chris1gill]

yes.... I would tell right away

 

[Crankyshank]

I confused. Are you saying your husband was abusive to you before this because he was frustrated you didn't do enough to pursue a conviction against your previous rapist?

If so, I think you've got a whole separate problem on your hands. I would contact a rape crisis center and seek personal counseling to deal with the trauma of the rape(s) and also with your husband's abuse.

 

[disneymom3]

I made the assumption right off that you changed your username for this post and I don't blame you whatever the reason. If he has abused you in the past, no I would not tell him. In fact, I am scared for you to continue in that relationship. No one can know the trauma of being raped unless you have been there. I too was date raped at 16 and tried to tell my sister who didn't believe me. I didn't try to tell anyone else. Then when DH and I got together I did tell him and believe me, him taking his own frustrations out on me about the situation is the furthest thing from reality. Honey, that is soooo not okay.

I am so so sorry you are going through this and have no one to rely on in real life. I really really pray that you will call a rape crisis line, an abused women's shelter or your church if you have one. Please take care of yourself. And know that the DIS is a caring community even if we are technically strangers.

 

[Aisling]

I think the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to talk about it to your DH.

I was thinking, just because someone is married, they don'thave to tell their husband everything, even something as major as a rape. If you're strong enough mentally to let it go and go on with your life, then maybe you don't have to tell him, presuming you really aren't going to report it to the police.

But two other things come to mind: one is that you may have contracted an STD from the rapist, and then all hell may break lose with your DH later on. Go to another town if you have to, see a doctor, and if everything comes out normal, then you can just leave it in the past if you choose and think no more about it.

Also, maybe you should really think about reporting it...the police should know that this has happened in your area so that they can be aware in order to protect other women.

 

[mcco5543]

ok,now that we know you got abused by your husband for not telling about the rape and persuing action against it before. I would like to change my opinion. This was info we did not have. I would NOT tell your husband...YET. unless it was in a safe envrionment like a marriage counselors office. (did you guys get professional help for the abuse problem)??

I am a big fan of giving people second chances and abusers are not always abusers. but if your husband has it in him to be capable of abuse. I agree with all the other posters and call a hotline IMMEDIATELY. they will not force you to do something any which way but they have lots of resources no matter which way you want to go. Also if you DO decide to tell your husband, if any kind of abuse happens again i hope you will get yourself out of the situation.

at the very least i would encourage you to get counseling being sexually assulted/raped twice, and having your husband abuse you is a LOT to deal with if you havne' already gone through therapy. Much love to you!

 

[r3ngels]

 

[Cool-Beans]

If my husband was abusive, I wouldn't be living with him. Wouldn't divorce him, but I'd live somewhere else - that's for dang sure.

Otherwise, I can't see NOT telling your husband. Good God. That has an effect on people - different people, different effect - and you need your husband to help you.

There are many rape crisis places and rape counseling places...many of the women who work/volunteer for them have been raped, too. They won't pressure you to report it. If you live in a major metropolitan area, chances are you can dial 211 and get the United Way's First Call for Help line - they can help direct you. Otherwise, call the local YWCA. They usually have programs and if they don't, they'll be able to direct you.

And if you can find a support group, that's the best. The shrinks and psychologists are good once in a while, but talking to other people in your situation (and who aren't trying to "handle" you) is much better, IMO.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you and I would tell your dh immediately and have him meet you at the nearest er. I have to ask, why don't you want to go to the police?

Many women don't report because it is embarrassing. They don't want people looking at them with THAT LOOK.

Or because they are trying to get past the whole thing as quickly as possible, or bury it. Reporting just drags it all back up and feels like more traumatization. And if they catch the guy and it goes to trial, it is now a public embarrassment.

And some women are so crushed by the whole exerience that they just don't have the strength to report it.

Others may or may not agree with the decision, but there are many women who choose not report for their own reasons.

 

[Serena]

Many women don't report because it is embarrassing. They don't want people looking at them with THAT LOOK.

Or because they are trying to get past the whole thing as quickly as possible, or bury it. Reporting just drags it all back up and feels like more traumatization. And if they catch the guy and it goes to trial, it is now a public embarrassment.

And some women are so crushed by the whole exerience that they just don't have the strength to report it.

Others may or may not agree with the decision, but there are many women who choose not report for their own reasons.

I'm sorry, I was pushing too much. I know it is a very personal decision.

 

[L107ANGEL]

I'm sorry, I was pushing too much. I know it is a very personal decision.

Everyone that knows you also knows you don't have a mean bone in your body!

 

[Cool-Beans]

I'm sorry, I was pushing too much. I know it is a very personal decision.

Lordy, I wasn't trying to single anyone out! Just trying to give a small reason, as the question comes up so often. People write entire dissertations on it, so it isn't like I have all the answers in that one little post, but I just thought I'd say it.

I sure didn't mean you (or anyone else.)

 

[Kycha]

Op, Here are a few websites that may provide some information for you. I hope you are able to find someway to get help. Even if you call the national hotline and just talk to someone. Have you been to the doctor yet? They may be able to provide info. I don't think it is necessary to tell your husband what happened, especially after his reaction last time.

http://www.rainn.org/counseling-centers/index.html

http://www.survivingthememories.com/id21.html

 

[Serena]

thanks angel

Lordy, I wasn't trying to single anyone out! Just trying to give a small reason, as the question comes up so often. People write entire dissertations on it, so it isn't like I have all the answers in that one little post, but I just thought I'd say it.

I sure didn't mean you (or anyone else.)

I know, but I did realize with your post that I was pushing and wanted to say so.

 

[bosstoboss]

I am truly sorry this happened to you. In order for you to have come to us on this board, maybe you have someone here that you can trust and call to talk to. Please, you do need to speak to someone about this. I would hate for you to go on and keep this inside.