Would you "let" your child go to college 700+ miles from home- and UA

[furb & dez]

You're assuming that I like this school best for her because it's only a two-hour drive. That is one thing I like about it, but it's far from the sole reason:

I like it because it's a perfect medium size (16,000 students) for her -- big enough to offer lots of options, not so overwhelming as the really huge schools. I like it because it's a well-established state school with a good academic reputation. I like the dorms, and I think it's a good value for the money. I like the atmosphere of the campus -- very friendly, and I can see her fitting in there very well. I like it because the campus is rather small and is smack-dab in the middle of a resort town. I like it because it's very outdoorsy, and she loves the idea of being able to take skiing and snowboarding as classes. I like it because they're building a new nursing building, and they'll have a great simulation room for the nursing students to learn upon state-of-the-art dummies. I met the head of the nursing department, and I thought she was very helpful, very interested in promoting her department and helping her students. I like it because they don't charge for textbooks. I like it because they have great opportunities for international study. I like it because they offer a number of "learning communities" in the dorms, and I think that could lead her to finding a great living situation from Day 1. I like it because they have an over-the-top football program and are known for their school spirit. I like the structure of the meal plan, which seems like a good value. I like it because they discourage freshmen from bringing cars. I like it because there's a Baptist church literally one step off campus that invites all Baptist students for dinner and Bible study every Tuesday night, which will provide her with a group similar to the one she enjoys at home. I like it because they own hostels in various big cities across the US, and their alumni can vacation for low-costs for the rest of their lives. I like their honors program. I like campus' lack of crime. I like the fact that everyone I know who graduated from this school LOVES it and still feels very connected to the university. I even like the school colors. I could keep going -- are those enough reasons for me to approve of my daughter's #1 school choice?

And, yes, along with those reasons, I do like the fact that it's only a two hour drive.

You're foolishly overboard with the "running home every month, growing into mature young adult" thing. If she can't manage to find her place in college and immerse herself in all the college fun in 28 days out of 30, that one weekend isn't going to make the difference. One of the things a young adult has to learn is balance -- in fact, I think it's one of the harder things for them to master. I do hope that she'll come home once a month. One weekend a month to re-connect with family seems just right to me.

I like how, just in this one post, you've already telegraphed which school activities you approve of, which outside activities you approve of, which learning activities you approve of, which people she should associate with, and how you approve of where and with whom she has dinner with, and of which church you approve of, and the thing what she should do with her private time that you approve of.

And yet still claim not to be a total helicopter. And claim that none of this is "guilting" her into doing this.

Like they say, it's not just a river in Egypt.

That's just how I see it from here, of course.

 

[laurie31]

Well, let's measure real times:

From our house to one of the schools my daughter's considering:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour to get through security
1 hour in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to campus

3.5 hours total travel time at a cost of $418 (I said, we live in the land of high airfare). In actuality, it'd be more -- I didn't click through to the page that adds the taxes and fees.

Same school, driving the 200 miles in my Honda takes 4 hours at a cost of eight dollars. 30 minutes more, $410 more.

If I drive her, I have to drive home again -- that's another four hours for me and another eight dollars. Obviously, lots of things come into play here: Do I want to stay the weekend at the beach, or am I going to turn around and make the drive home in one day? That answer'll vary from trip to trip. And we have family in that area, so that plays into it.


Let's say she goes to University of Alabama, which is completely hypothetical for me:

1 hour to the airport
1 hour through security
1.5 hours in the air
30 minutes to be picked up, drive to school

Total of 4 hours transportation time at a cost of -- ironic -- again, $418.

If we make the drive to Birmingham, that's 413 miles /7 hours 9 minutes from my house. So that's approximately $17 ($34 round trip) in my Honda. But I can't drive back the same day and don't have family there, so I'd also need a hotel room for the night. And a couple meals on the road.

So driving round-trip would cost about $250, depending on what type of meals we ate on the road. I'm also assuming that both parents would go on this trip for the long drive back.

My assessment: Attending the 200-mile away school is in no way worth an expensive flight. Attending a 400-mile school is kind of borderline; it's a two-day trip, but $418 is not a drop in the bucket.

I'd much rather she attend the 200-mile school so she can come home once a month.

Your car gets nearly 100mpg????! Seriously? I want one!

Is it a hybrid? What model is it? I'm not being sarcastic, I honestly want to know. I'd love a car that could go 200 miles on just over 2 gallons of gas!

 

[alaskanabbott]

Myoldest son just left for college last month. He researched where he wanted to go based on several factors. He wanted a smaller school, he wanted to play football, and he wanted a criminal justice degree. He also considered final costs. He applied for several scholarships and got three private and three from colleges. From those 3 colleges he talked to people who knew him well (his football coach and a teacher) and asked which they thought fit him best. When he was all done he asked our (me and DH) to which we replied we thought he had done all the background work and would support his decision. He is going to school 3600 miles away. We will see him during summers, and hopefully at Christmas, that's all. He calls and texts and we even got to see his first game today through the wonder of internet and his little brothers and sisters yelled when he made the only sack of the game!!!
Long post to say this...it never, not one time occured to me that it was any of MY busines where he goes to school. He is the one who has to earn his degree and from the moment that cap flew off his head, it became his life to live, not mine. He calls or texts everyday, and he gets lost in the town (he is coming from a town of 3500) and wonders how to find the bank, and even called in a panic from Walmart to ask where the nail clippers are at. But he gets to learn all that on his own now, and I get to watch the fruits of my labor turn into an amazing college man, who can do it without me

 

[kmedina]

I think it will be okay. My Dad says you never stop worrying no matter how old they are. You just have to prepare them as best you can and be there for guidance when they need it. As much as I love my sons and know I will miss them, I would be thrilled if they got a nice scholarship to a good school even if it was far away. Hopefully, we can still see each other as often as finances (and my boys) allow. Congrats on her accomplishment. You both worked hard to get there!

 

[NMAmy]

OP--I did "let" my dd go to college in New Mexico and I live in Michigan. Her dad lives in NM but he's an 8 hour car drive through some very isolated areas away from her, as well. She's been able to have a car on campus right from freshman year.

She got a great scholarship, the costs are low, it has the program she wanted, and she loves the school. She's starting her junior year. We've always been extremely close. We talk just about every day--sometimes just a couple of minutes to check in and sometimes for an hour or so at a time. This is the first summer she hasn't come home--she and her BF are quite serious so she stayed to be with him and for work and summer classes. I'm going to visit her in October.

It's helped her to become very independent and to learn to take care of herself. I'm very proud of the adult she's become and I trust her to make good decisions.

Yes, I'd rather she be close to home but I don't want her to be unhappy in order to calm my fears.

 

[lastminutemom]

Aside from the distance issue, my kid is 16 hours by car away, does your DD understand that UA is a big Southern football school? UA recruits students like your DD because they are trying to improve their reputation. They are very good to their top students.

I would recommend the collegeconfidential site as there are lots of out of state parents there to discuss specifics with.

I would figure in a couple of flights home a year for her and perhaps one down for you to visit.

Have you discussed money with her? Does she know what you can cover and what you can't? If not, this discussion needs to be had now, because that should influence her choices.

 

[Jennasis]

I can't fathom a parent not letting their child choose their own college particularly when a scholarship is involved.

Cut the strings and let her go where SHE wants.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As far as the car, a lot of schools won't even let a freshman have a car so before counting on that be sure. plus where my DD goes once you are allowed to have a car it is almost a thousand dollars a year for a parking permit!

Which schools are those? Not here in the midwest.

My dd had her car her freshman yr. I would not have it any other way. So much easier for her and us.

 

[golfgal]

Which schools are those? Not here in the midwest.

My dd had her car her freshman yr. I would not have it any other way. So much easier for her and us.

There are a couple schools around here that don't allow freshmen to have cars on campus. For the most part, at least the schools we have looked at, having a car would be more of a pain in the rear. All of the schools have some kind of bus program or work with the city buses and kids can use those for free. Having a car just means you have to worry about moving it in the winter when they plow the parking lots, etc. Most people find they go for days and days a days and never drive their car--after paying quite a bit just to park it at school.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There are a couple schools around here that don't allow freshmen to have cars on campus. For the most part, at least the schools we have looked at, having a car would be more of a pain in the rear. All of the schools have some kind of bus program or work with the city buses and kids can use those for free. Having a car just means you have to worry about moving it in the winter when they plow the parking lots, etc. Most people find they go for days and days a days and never drive their car--after paying quite a bit just to park it at school.

Unless they ban freshman from having a car my kids will have a car.

 

[linnylu]

I knew that the word,let, was going to cause some discussion and that was why I put it in quotes. A PP mentioned parameters and that is what we do in our college search- define the parameters for our child's college search which mostly is about the affordability and quality of education. Of course I could "let" her choose any school and "let" her take out major student loans to afford it. She doesn't understand credit so I am not going enable her to learn that lesson the hard way.

We are generating our college list now and looking for schools that will give her a lot of merit money. She is undecided, so she also needs to look at a school that has many options for majors. She may want to go to grad school, or need to, so she needs to keep that in mind when looking at how much she has to spend for her undergrad years. Our state schools aren't offering the merit money that schools farther away are offering. She would never have looked at Alabama if they weren't offering such a great scholarship. That letter would have gone right into the trash. I can set the parameters just by choosing which mail to put at her seat at the table for her to look at

I am so sorry Mrs. Pete that my question turned into a attack of you.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I wanted to go to UCLA. I am from New York and my parents refused to let me even apply to schools West of the Mississippi. They picked my school for me because it was one they liked and thought I should go to (Maryland) and I ended up very unhappy for 4 years.

I don't stay in touch with anyone I went to school with - it wasn't where I wanted to be and I just never found a real niche. Don't get me wrong, I got involved. Joined a sorority and by senior year was head of Rush for all of Panhellenic. I threw myself into it - but it just never clicked.

The only good that came out of it was that I was so incredibly unhappy after freshman year that I looked for an escape and found the WDW College Program, which led me to spend two summers at Disney and make the amazing friends I still cherish today.

Oh - and we were not allowed cars freshman year on campus from what I remember...

 

[bgirl29]

Linnylu my son has a good friend that will be a sophomore this year with that same scholarship. We live in MI and she is really liking Alabama. My son and some friends even carpooled down there last thanksgiving and he said it is a beautiful campus. Hope that helps a little bit. Of course what do I know I let my son still live in the basement so college is cheap for him. Nevermind that he comes and goes as he pleases and I hardly ever see him, I am sure he will now never be an adult according to many on these boards.

 

[bombygriz]

I refuse to go to college in my area. Winter is detrimental to my health because I have weak sinuses, so I told my parents I was going to college in Florida, specifically Orlando. I want to work for Disney anyways, so it works for me.

My dad doesn't like it, but I told him he could suck it up. I found a nice college with $28,000 a year tuition (University of Central Florida), and a really nice college with $50,000 a year (Rollins). Whoever gives me more money wins, end of story.

My grandfather keeps telling me I need to apply to Harvard, Dartmouth, and Yale, but I know for a fact that I would have the same experience as frndshpcptn if I went anywhere else than Florida. I would give up a full boat to an Ivy League college if I had the choice to go to UCF with scholarships. I'm not an academic kid, I'm going to college for theater to work at Disney. I'm sure they'll take people no matter where they go to college.

I'm staying away from home because I want to make my own mistakes without having to run home and cry to my parents about it. They are not my ATM or bank, and I will not give myself the opportunity to use them like that.

 

[Magic Mom]

I refuse to go to college in my area. Winter is detrimental to my health because I have weak sinuses, so I told my parents I was going to college in Florida, specifically Orlando. I want to work for Disney anyways, so it works for me.

My dad doesn't like it, but I told him he could suck it up. I found a nice college with $28,000 a year tuition (University of Central Florida), and a really nice college with $50,000 a year (Rollins). Whoever gives me more money wins, end of story.

My grandfather keeps telling me I need to apply to Harvard, Dartmouth, and Yale, but I know for a fact that I would have the same experience as frndshpcptn if I went anywhere else than Florida. I would give up a full boat to an Ivy League college if I had the choice to go to UCF with scholarships. I'm not an academic kid, I'm going to college for theater to work at Disney. I'm sure they'll take people no matter where they go to college.

I'm staying away from home because I want to make my own mistakes without having to run home and cry to my parents about it. They are not my ATM or bank, and I will not give myself the opportunity to use them like that.

Are your parents financing any of your college?

 

[RitaE]

Interesting thread. What I tell my kids is that I'm not going to pay out of state tuition rates (which can be $25k to $35k) for a state university education that doesn't offer anything over what our own state universities offer .... which we can get for resident rates of about 1/2 of that.

Now if they were to get a scholarship or there was something about that one particular program that would convince me the cost was justified, then we'd talk. My oldest son is at a private university, but a couple of grants and what he contributes have kept the cost down a bit and he had good reasons for choosing it over the State Univ. I'm going to be really glad to not be facing that tuition bill every year though once he's done.

Distance doesn't matter all that much to me. Well it does matter to me but if they want to wander away then as adults they have that right. They don't just automatically get to take my checkbook with them.

 

[bombygriz]

Are your parents financing any of your college?

They've saved $3000. I don't think I get anything else. I would work my butt off if that meant I could go where I wanted.

 

[deegack]

Which schools are those? Not here in the midwest.

My dd had her car her freshman yr. I would not have it any other way. So much easier for her and us.

My university in upstate by, my law school in new Orleans, the university I worked for in nj. Just to name a few. It is very common.

As for letting my dd chose her college I not only would "let" her I would encourage her to check out schools in other parts of the country or even overseas. College is a place to learn how to be an adult and make your own decision in a semi sheltered environment.

Op I would have had HUGE issues if I found out my parents did not give me all my mail. That is just wrong.

 

[punkin]

I refuse to go to college in my area. Winter is detrimental to my health because I have weak sinuses, so I told my parents I was going to college in Florida, specifically Orlando. I want to work for Disney anyways, so it works for me.

My dad doesn't like it, but I told him he could suck it up. I found a nice college with $28,000 a year tuition (University of Central Florida), and a really nice college with $50,000 a year (Rollins). Whoever gives me more money wins, end of story.

My grandfather keeps telling me I need to apply to Harvard, Dartmouth, and Yale, but I know for a fact that I would have the same experience as frndshpcptn if I went anywhere else than Florida. I would give up a full boat to an Ivy League college if I had the choice to go to UCF with scholarships. I'm not an academic kid, I'm going to college for theater to work at Disney. I'm sure they'll take people no matter where they go to college.

I'm staying away from home because I want to make my own mistakes without having to run home and cry to my parents about it. They are not my ATM or bank, and I will not give myself the opportunity to use them like that.

If you have the scores to possibly get into any one of those schools, you should have no problem getting a full tuition scholarship or something close to it at UCF.

OP, have you been to Alabama to check it out? Your DD may fall in love with it or absolutely hate it. I wouldn't make a decision without visiting.

To everyone who said it's the child's decision...I respectfully disagree. It is the decision of everyone involved. In normal households parents and children talk to each other and come up with the best decision given cost, distance, availability of certain academic programs, etc.

I was personally not against DD going as far as she wanted (in fact she is currently looking to do a 5th year abroad and I am fine with that), but she was not comfortable doing that so she stayed closer to home despite getting into some wonderful colleges further away that would have cost me a lot less. We have the money so DH and I agreed. If we didn't have the money, she would have had to go elsewhere. It was a joint decision in our family.

Mrs. Pete, no one (particularly on a message board where no one knows your family and its dynamics) can judge your decision. If you and your DD decided that a school close to home is right for you, then that's best.

Also, no one has to stay at the school originally chosen. I transferred after my first year to a school that was a much better fit ( and 1000 miles from my family) and never regretted it.

 

[Magic Mom]

They've saved $3000. I don't think I get anything else. I would work my butt off if that meant I could go where I wanted.

Since they are giving you money, it probably isn't respectful to tell your Dad to suck it up. As long as their money is involved he should be allowed to have an opinion and voice it with out you being dismissive.