Of course your family's plans aren't wrong. What works for one family may not be right for another, neither is wrong.
Thanks! A voice of reason.
See that is the important thing. and you summed it up completely. You called her a kid. and she was basing her preconceived notions based on thinking and feeling as a kid. But next fall she won't be a kid! She will be an adult and getting more adult every week she is away at school.
Why would you want to encourage her to continue thinking as a kid?
As far as the car, a lot of schools won't even let a freshman have a car so before counting on that be sure. plus where my DD goes once you are allowed to have a car it is almost a thousand dollars a year for a parking permit!
Yes, she's a kid. Next summer she'll be 18, and she'll legally be an adult, but in reality she'll still be a kid for a while longer. Yes, some adult privledges come immediately when she turns 18, but most of them will be added as time goes on and she gains more life experience, proves herself trustworthy and capable in the eyes of the world, and then she'll gain all the privledges that come with adulthood.
A better question is why you think being an adult is more important, more worthy of respect than being a kid? I don't put a value judgement on kid/adult, but apparently you do. I see being a kid as a stage of life, not as an insult, but apparently you see it differently.
Wow! DS just checked today about parking permits and they are free!
Wow, we haven't run into that anywhere. Freshmen are allowed cars at all the schools we've visited, but my daughter's favorite school definitely "discourages" them for freshmen. Freshmen can only purchase permits for a lot that's located literally two miles from campus. They have a (free) bus system that runs all around town, and freshmen have to take the bus to the parking lot. Essentially that means that the car is only useful for coming home; if you're just going somewhere in town, it makes more sense just to take the bus.
Our daughter won't NEED a car 'til she reaches her junior year and begins doing student nursing at the hospital. I'd prefer she not take a car her freshman year, but we're waiting to see
just how much college ends up costing us in the long run, and it'll be a financial decision. We won't let her take her high-school car hours and hours away (it's a 99 and not in great shape, plus it's going to be her sister's high school car just as it was hers), but IF enough scholarship money comes through (and I think it will), we're going to buy her a new car with good gas mileage for graduation/18th birthday. Not knowing the answer to that question TODAY is driving her crazy.
I like how, just in this one post, you've already telegraphed which school activities you approve of, which outside activities you approve of, which learning activities you approve of, which people she should associate with, and how you approve of where and with whom she has dinner with, and of which church you approve of, and the thing what she should do with her private time that you approve of.
And yet still claim not to be a total helicopter. And claim that none of this is "guilting" her into doing this.
Like they say, it's not just a river in Egypt.
That's just how I see it from here, of course.
Perhaps you could use glasses because your view is quite fuzzy.
Reading things in context is a good communication skill: Another poster said that I want my child to attend a certain college simply because it's only 2 hours away. I was giving specific reasons I like that college that have nothing to do with distance. If you'd read in context, you'd have understood the purpose of the paragraph.
If she were to make a list of the things SHE likes about this particular college, she'd list all those same things -- though she and I would list the most important items in different order.
She has two favorite colleges, and she has a few others that would improve in her estimation IF the money were right. Is it really all that hard to believe that she and I are in agreement on her college possibilities?
Is it really impossible to believe that my daugther doesn't see her family has an obligation, a duty, a responsibility . . . but that we really like one another? I know that not all families are the same, and loving someone isn't the same thing as liking to spend time with them. My girls (and a friend of my youngest) came over to the high school the other day to pick up their schedules, and they stopped by my classroom -- it was a teacher workday. I asked them if they wanted to go out to lunch, and since teenagers have never been known to turn down food, they said yes. While we were eating, the friend asked if she could hang out with our family more often -- she said we're a lot of fun, and she said her family just sits around and reads at the table. The three girls ended up coming back to my classroom; they stayed the rest of the afternoon and helped me with bulletin boards and things. Maybe your family's similar to hers and being together is something of a drudge, but it's really fun being part of my family, and my oldest is starting to worry about being away from what she knows and loves.
Your car gets nearly 100mpg????! Seriously? I want one!
Is it a hybrid? What model is it? I'm not being sarcastic, I honestly want to know. I'd love a car that could go 200 miles on just over 2 gallons of gas!
Oh, no! I shouldn't do math late at night. I was wrong: My car gets around 35 miles per gallon. I figured up the number of gallons I'd need, and I foolishly thought of that as the cost of buying the gas. Also, I know I padded the number a bit because we have family in that area, and we always drive out to see them. Anyway, my math was just plain wrong. Sorry for the confusion.
She doesn't understand credit so I am not going enable her to learn that lesson the hard way . . . I am so sorry Mrs. Pete that my question turned into a attack of you.
I've worked hard at teaching my kids about credit, interest, etc., but that doesn't mean she fully understands the impact that borrowing would have on her life after school. I know that when I was 18, I clearly knew that a job that paid 50,000 was more lucrative than a job that paid 20,000 . . . but I wasn't yet capable of juggling the idea of rent, car payments, and other necessities well enough to judge whether four years later I'd be able to comfortably pay back a loan on a 20,000 salary or a 50,000 salary. I didn't understand whether a person could live comfortably on a 20,000 salary or not.
So we've given our girls lessons in credit, but we've also made the bottom line very clear: We've told them that we can pay the total cost of a four-year state school. We can't afford a private school or an out-of-state school. We can't afford a four-year degree to stretch out into 5 or 6 years. If they go with what we can pay, they can graduate debt-free and start their professional lives with a clean slate. If they choose a more expensive school, they'll have to figure out the difference between what we can pay and the total cost. And likely that'd mean debt. Our oldest has decided that graduating debt-free sounds pretty good.
It'd be nice if we could say, "The world is your oyster, choose anything, anywhere!" But that'd be making a promise our checkbook can't make happen.
Thanks for the support. I know my kids and I are making good choices for ourselves.
Since they are giving you money, it probably isn't respectful to tell your Dad to suck it up. As long as their money is involved he should be allowed to have an opinion and voice it with out you being dismissive.
Yeah, at best that's a rude way to treat your father.
Do listen to what they have to say about college. Health reasons are a legitimate reason to look into different areas, but your parents know more about the world and the cost of college/cost of living than you do. You may not agree with everything they say, but you owe it to them to listen respectfully and consider their thoughts. With few exceptions, parents want what's best for you and have a pretty good clue about what's good for you.
Even saying you can only look at schools between $$ and $$$ is limiting them because until the final aid package comes you have no idea how much ANY school costs. Say she applies at the U of M at $22K and a private school at $40K, but Private School gives her $19,000 for a President's scholarship and $21,000 in a college scholarship, $5000 grant and a $3000 work study and the U of M gives her $500--which now is the cheaper school??? I have told our kids that you can't shop on price tag because you don't know what you will get in the end. Everyone we know has gotten better deals from the private schools around here (most of which are heads and tails better than most of the state schools).
And in our area, the cheapest school before scholarships tends to still be the cheapest school after scholarships. If you really want a certain expensive school, it's worth applying and trying . . . but don't bank on an expensive school becoming less expensive than the school that started out at a reasonable price.
I don't think people realize that if your expected family contribution is $20,000, it's going to be $20,000 at a school that costs $8000 and at a school that costs $55,000. Now, not all schools meet 100% of demonstrated need but most schools DO try to at least get close and you can always negotiate what they do give you.
But paying full price at the $8000 school is still much less expensive than paying your $20,000 share at the $55,000 school. So a number of things have to fall into place to make that $55,000 school less expensive than the $8000 school -- probably multiple scholarships as well as some big financial aid.
And in our area, the $55,000 school isn't guaranteed to be better than the less expensive school. It'd probably be smaller, nicer looking, but not better academically.
For those of you hoping for lots of merit aid for your children. Do you worry about your child's experience at a school where their academic skills are significantly above the majority?
Yes, I know where you're coming from.
My oldest is an excellent student, excellent grades and SATs, wide variety of extra-curriculars -- a top candidate. She's been getting "free application deals" from a number of small private schools with mediocre reputations. I feel sure she'll get good scholarship offers from these places, but in the long run she'd have a degree from a small private school with a mediocre reputation! We visited one of these over the summer, and neither of us was impressed -- she was more strongly "against it" than I was. For her to choose one of those schools, it'd have to be literally free, AND she'd have to have received no serious scholarships from the schools she really wants.
I could not wait to get as far away from home as possible. Now I get along great w/my parents and they are a big reason I want to move back East.
