Would you have a problem with this fundraiser?

[barkley]

just to add some insight from another perspective-as international adoption became more popular in the u.s. many of us working in u.s. public social service agencies were saddened to learn that increasing numbers of unplanned pregnancies were terminated because the "moms" voiced that "adoption is'nt an option for bi-racial kids, minority kids. people only want to adopt cute foreign babies"

i also recently read an article wherein some countries are experiencing higher child abadonment rates due to international adoption. either a child who may have been lovingly raised by family in what would be considered decent standards is taken to an agency "because we can't do as much for the child" or (and this i find truly appaling) a family desiring one sex over the other will have multiple pregnacies abandoning each child that is not of the desired sex (apparantly this is becoming a problem also with families in which genetics may predispose them to having a handicapped child-they will keep having and abandoning the handicapped children in hopes of having a "perfect" child at some point).

 

[mickeyfan2]

Why assume I was talking about you

I just wanted to make sure.

 

[scubamouse]

OK fine. I still don't consider infertility an illness. An injury perhaps, since parts of the body aren't working for whatever reason. But, it's not an illness. An infertile person is not sick unless that person has an illness that causes infertility.

you are beyond insulting! do you intentionally try to be hurtful or does that skill come naturally to you?

I and most people who have suffered IF have an underlying illness!! i will be on meds for the rest of my life because of underlying DISEASES that casued my IF!

Go back to your naive 'got p/g when i wanted to world' where ignorance i'm sure is bliss!

 

[Nana Annie]

Your comparing my situation to the one in Dear Abby and maybe you missed that it was my mother who brought the idea to me and wanted to organize



Actually, I was very appreciative in many of my posts of all the respectful answers. Never did I say anyone who didn't agree with me had an attitude but you have to admit some of the responses I got did.



Wow, I'm sorry you feel that way. Humility goes out the door when it comes to my child.

I am very sorry if I misunderstood. I am/was under the impression that you and your family (grandmother-to-be included in family), wanted to host a beer n beef for yourselves to raise money for an adoption.

As evidenced by the majority on this thread, raising money for ones self does not sit well with most of the population. Whether true or not, it has a greedy, tacky stigma attached to it.

Although only my opinion, I still stand by the notion that going through a church or another organization would be much more tasteful. I am sure your husband is much more successful raising money for others than if the recipient tried to do it for themselves.

Giving to an organization is not only more palatable, but also increases your chances of raising a good bit of money, as it would draw in more than just your good friends and family.

 

[kdibattista]

I just wanted to make sure.

I will try to make it clear. I'm very appreciative of all of the comments that were made in a respectful manner. I, obviously had some issues with this as well which is why I posed the question. I understand both sides. What I don't appreciate (and mickeyfan this is not directed at you ) is minimizing my efforts to bring my daughter home. Disclaimer - I know that not everyone who disagrees with me falls under this category.

Bottom line... this is my child. I will do whatever it takes to bring her home.

 

[barkley]

I will try to make it clear. I'm very appreciative of all of the comments that were made in a respectful manner. I, obviously had some issues with this as well which is why I posed the question. I understand both sides. What I don't appreciate (and mickeyfan this is not directed at you ) is minimizing my efforts to bring my daughter home. Disclaimer - I know that not everyone who disagrees with me falls under this category.

Bottom line... this is my child. I will do whatever it takes to bring her home.

not insulting-i just want to understand.

you've say "this is my child"-does this mean that the adoption is already final? and does this mean the child has already met you and had some opportunity to bond?

i guess with a newborn or very little one it would'nt be a huge issue, but if someone is adopting a child (in this manner) who is "more aware" (say a toddler or young child) are they told they have a mommy and daddy coming to get them? and if that's the case-why would they lead a child to believe this if the financial instruments to retrieve them were not already in place. it seems with an older child it could be devastating to experience a second loss of parents if something happened to fianancialy prevent the adoptive parents from following through.

again-no insult intended, just very curious.

 

[Skywalker]

Bottom line... this is my child. I will do whatever it takes to bring her home.

This is where I am unclear, and I hope I can phrase this the right way. You keep saying this is for your daughter, and in the first post it sounded like you and your husband had planned all the necessary means and sacrifices to be able to afford the costs, just that your mother maybe wanted to help things along financially. Then, in later posts, it is sort of sounding like you cannot afford to save this little girl unless you get help.

So, my question is, do you actually need the money this fundraiser would provide in order to complete the adoption, or is it just to make things easier for you financially so that you don't have to sacrifice so much? Because if you can adopt your daughter one way or the other, then the fundraiser really is about you, and not her.

I hope this doesn't sound bad, but, well, with the good old internet and all, it probably does. Oh well, I'm tossing it out there anyway.

 

[Sandy22]

To the OP: As an adoptive parent still waiting for her children to come, I'm really shocked at some of the attitudes that came out in this thread.

Anyway, in response to your original question, I've had a few friends wanting to throw fundraisers for me last summer but I declined and here's why: First, I didn't want people judging how I spend money. For example, I took an unplanned trip to Disney last fall - I would not have wanted donors thinking they were funding my trip. I didn't want people judging me everytime I spent money. I would have felt compelled to always explain that I wasn't spending the adoption money.

Second, and most importantly, I watched another family come to regret their fundraiser once their DD came home. Some people (not all) who had donated money felt they were "entitled" to more information/contact with the child than normal. It was really weird...the mom actually had comments like "since I helped pay for her I should know how she's doing". The mom is now quite concerned that their daughter is going to grow up hearing about this fundraiser and how people helped "pay for her" No one wants to feel like their "owned" by a bunch of people.

Good luck to you in your adoption journey. For the record, I took out a loan and a HELOC to get my girls home.

 

[kdibattista]

Let me see if this makes sense. In my heart... she is my child. She is not born yet but she is in someone's belly and is estimated to be born in the summer. I do not know her but I cannot put into words how much we already love her.

DH and I have already paid the "starter" agency fee as well as the homestudy fee and INS fee. Our agency works in schedules. Half of the remainder is due when we accept the referral and the other half when we travel.

We have discussed refinancing or a HELOC to finance which is probably what we will end up doing but my mother (sweetest person alive) brought up the idea of the fundraiser as a way to offset some of the costs. Realistically though, it would barely make a dent and just doesn't seem worth it based on most of the responses.

I hope I explained that clearly.

 

[Buckalew11]

If a close friend were in your shoes I'd probably do something to help but I would peobably find a fundraiser to help in the adoption of a child tacky no matter who was doing the asking.

I haven't read through this thread but from this last page's comments, I think that these feelings and comments are the kind you'd hear around your hometown if a fundraiser was done.

 

[Buckalew11]

To the OP: As an adoptive parent still waiting for her children to come, I'm really shocked at some of the attitudes that came out in this thread.

Anyway, in response to your original question, I've had a few friends wanting to throw fundraisers for me last summer but I declined and here's why: First, I didn't want people judging how I spend money. For example, I took an unplanned trip to Disney last fall - I would not have wanted donors thinking they were funding my trip. I didn't want people judging me everytime I spent money. I would have felt compelled to always explain that I wasn't spending the adoption money.

Second, and most importantly, I watched another family come to regret their fundraiser once their DD came home. Some people (not all) who had donated money felt they were "entitled" to more information/contact with the child than normal. It was really weird...the mom actually had comments like "since I helped pay for her I should know how she's doing". The mom is now quite concerned that their daughter is going to grow up hearing about this fundraiser and how people helped "pay for her" No one wants to feel like their "owned" by a bunch of people.

Good luck to you in your adoption journey. For the record, I took out a loan and a HELOC to get my girls home.

Well, these are things I hadn't even thought of. I think this experience would definitley mold my decision.

 

[cstraub]

Let me see if this makes sense. In my heart... she is my child. She is not born yet but she is in someone's belly and is estimated to be born in the summer. I do not know her but I cannot put into words how much we already love her.

DH and I have already paid the "starter" agency fee as well as the homestudy fee and INS fee. Our agency works in schedules. Half of the remainder is due when we accept the referral and the other half when we travel.

We have discussed refinancing or a HELOC to finance which is probably what we will end up doing but my mother (sweetest person alive) brought up the idea of the fundraiser as a way to offset some of the costs. Realistically though, it would barely make a dent and just doesn't seem worth it based on most of the responses.

I hope I explained that clearly.

Send me an invite! I'll be there!

On another note:
Instead of saying this fundraiser is to save a child just put the word dog in it's place and everyone would come! Twisted, isn't it?

If you were trying to raise money to rescue a dog Dear Abby would love it and so would a lot of other people. Hhhmmmm............

 

[Sandy22]

and the adoptive parent is dealt the choice of adopting or not adopting as well as going through a higher cost private agency vs. a no cost or government sponsored public agency. they also generaly ( but not all) choose to go with private higher cost international adoptions because the choose not to wait as long for a u.s. adoption, choose to opt to select the sex of their child, choose the nationality of their child, choose not to run the risk of having a child with genetic or birth defects.

if an individual (fertile or infertile) chooses to go with a higher cost adoption and the advantages it affords them-they should be ready, willing and able to "afford" those advantages.

What? The majority of international adoptions take much longer than the US where one could have a healthy baby in their arms within a week! Many countries do not allow you to choose the sex of your child....just as in the US where some birth mothers don't know the sex of their child. Many parents would love to adopt Chinese boys but there is a much longer waiting list for them. Not much choice there! I don't see how choosing the nationality of your child is an advantage? Considering how diverse the US is, you could do that with domestic adoption as well. As far as genetic background....you get no information with international adoption. Is that really an advantage?

I think it's just plain crass that one would equate the financial cost of adoption with some random list of "advantages".

 

[OceanAnnie]

To the OP: As an adoptive parent still waiting for her children to come, I'm really shocked at some of the attitudes that came out in this thread.

I am also shocked.

Second, and most importantly, I watched another family come to regret their fundraiser once their DD came home. Some people (not all) who had donated money felt they were "entitled" to more information/contact with the child than normal. It was really weird...the mom actually had comments like "since I helped pay for her I should know how she's doing". The mom is now quite concerned that their daughter is going to grow up hearing about this fundraiser and how people helped "pay for her" No one wants to feel like their "owned" by a bunch of people.

I also wish you good luck.

(P.S.- I would have no problem with going to a fund raiser.)

 

[BuckNaked]

Well, most people adopt because they DO suffer from an illness that was not their choice. It is called infertility. And adoption is, in a roundabout way, a cure. So just like people with traditional illnesses like cancer have fundraisers to help pay for their treatments, I would have no problem at all attending a fundraiser to help a couple with infertility pay to adopt a child.

Having a fundraiser to help someone stay alive v. having a fundraiser to help someone adopt a child are light years apart, IMO. While infertility is definitely not a choice, spending $30,000 to adopt a child most certainly is a choice. I have no problem at all with someone doing it if they choose to, but to hold a fundraiser to help pay for it isn't something I would personally do, nor would I donate to such a thing.

 

[Crankyshank]

Send me an invite! I'll be there!

On another note:
Instead of saying this fundraiser is to save a child just put the word dog in it's place and everyone would come! Twisted, isn't it?

If you were trying to raise money to rescue a dog Dear Abby would love it and so would a lot of other people. Hhhmmmm............

Wow! So you know for a fact that everyone would come to a fundraiser to help someone adopt a dog because they can't afford it on their own? The only thing twisted about what you said is your low opinion of the posters on this thread by insinuating they would rather help an animal than a child.

Your definition of everyone is far different from mine because not only would I not go but I'd be willing to wager other people would not as well.

 

[Sandy22]

just to add some insight from another perspective-as international adoption became more popular in the u.s. many of us working in u.s. public social service agencies were saddened to learn that increasing numbers of unplanned pregnancies were terminated because the "moms" voiced that "adoption is'nt an option for bi-racial kids, minority kids. people only want to adopt cute foreign babies"

I can't believe you would blame adoptive parents for increasing abortion rates?!

NEWS FLASH for you: You know who's adopting those cute foreign kids? The Canadians, French, British, Austrians, Danish, Germans...all coming to the USA to adopt AA and biracial babies. Those are the cute "foreign" kids!

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I don't know if you have infertitliy problems or are just adopting because in your heart you want to love an unwanted child. It is not my business, but in my case, i had probelms conceiving and would have done anything to have a baby, at any cost. We tried everything and were at a point where our next step would have been adoption. We wanted a baby to love, of course we wanted a biological one if possible, but our hearts are capable of loving any child. Fortunately i did conceive on my own. Anyway, I know how much i wanted a baby and can only imagine how you feel too! If a friend of mine needed money, i would definately give what i could so that he/she/them could feel the same love and completeness that i am fortunate to have!!! How about calling it a "baby shower" or something like that where your close friends and family could bring money instead of presents? I don't know how much family or friends you have, but it could provide some financial assistance. By "fundraiser" i envison people selling tickets and I think of flyers being posted all over. I know you need the $30,000, and if you feel strongly about it, then i think you should go ahead with it. If you have a large turnout that is wonderful! It brings you closer to bringing home your baby. If you don't, then i guess you will know how others feel about it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

you are beyond insulting! do you intentionally try to be hurtful or does that skill come naturally to you?

I and most people who have suffered IF have an underlying illness!! i will be on meds for the rest of my life because of underlying DISEASES that casued my IF!

Go back to your naive 'got p/g when i wanted to world' where ignorance i'm sure is bliss!

Wow. I don't think she was trying to be insulting at all.

I'm trying my best--but when I read posts like this it makes me really really sad.

We are not evil people.

We are all moms who want our babies in however way we may get them.

Some of us (p/g and adoptive moms alike) just don't feel that doing a "fundaiser" is appropriate when trying to grow your family in whatever way your are *able* to grow it.

 

[Sandy22]

i also recently read an article wherein some countries are experiencing higher child abadonment rates due to international adoption. either a child who may have been lovingly raised by family in what would be considered decent standards is taken to an agency "because we can't do as much for the child" or (and this i find truly appalling) a family desiring one sex over the other will have multiple pregnacies abandoning each child that is not of the desired sex

Oh please! This just keeps getting better and better! The REASON that some countries are experiencing higher child abandonment rates to international adoption are because parents are dropping their kids off at an orphanage INSTEAD OF KILLING THEM!

Now I'm not saying this applies to all countries nor all birth parents but it's no big secret that China and India (among other countries) have, and continue to have, practices of killing daughters.

Some of these practices are so ingrained that even in immigrant populations to North America, it's still practiced...there was an Indian (maybe Pakistani?) doctor here who was recently caught performing selective abortions on female fetuses. Interesting footnote but also sad, is that the mothers were not wanting the abortions - apparently these things are controlled by the husband's parents.