Would you forgive your partner if they confessed to a one-night stand?

[kellyg403]

For those of you who have said your spouse is your One and Only, no matter what, would you really WANT to be with somebody who had cheated on you? How can somebody be your One and Only if they don't have any respect for you?

It is not a matter of wanting to be with someone who has cheated, it really is about some other things. The cheating part is so devastating to you that respect is last on your "to worry about" list. Its way harder than it sounds to leave a person, especially a person you love dearly who is crying because they have made a mistake, will never do it again. You almost find yourself feeling guilty because aren't you supposed to forgive mistakes. Trust me, worrying about the lack of respect you have been shown comes way way later. After you have already been made to feel guilty and the problem. I can not even say how horrible a feeling it is to know logically what you need to do but know emotionally there may not be any way to do it.

Kelly

 

[Shugardrawers]

For those of you who have said your spouse is your One and Only, no matter what, would you really WANT to be with somebody who had cheated on you? How can somebody be your One and Only if they don't have any respect for you?

It's not a matter of not having respect. He's not perfect. Neither am I. When we were married only 5 months he took a temporary transfer within the company 1000 miles away. He would be gone a year and I would visit once a month. I stayed home to work. He'd been gone probably 3 or 4 months when through a twist of circumstance, I happened to meet a gentleman I found extremely attractive both physically and mentally. Because of those circumstances, I had to spend some time with him for several weeks. He made his interest known and I made my marital status known. Although I never let on to either this gentleman or my husband that I would have been interested were I a single woman, I couldn't help but think about him on occasion. My new husband was gone, I was lonely. I must stress NOTHING EVERY HAPPENED AND THE MAN STOPPED HIS FLIRTATION THE MOMENT HE LEARNED I WAS MARRIED! Was there a teensy part of me that thought "dang, if only I wasn't married!"? Of course. I had been divorced more than 10 years before remarrying so it took some getting used to but although an attraction may have been there, the desire to cheat never was. Being so early in our marriage and under those circumstances, I would hope my husband would have shown me mercy if I'd been weak.

If we are talking one night, and ONE NIGHT ONLY, I think I could find it within me to eventually forgive. It would take a while and it would take time to rebuild the trust obviously. I tend to believe one-nighters are the result of prolonged loneliness (as in the case of my early marriage). More than a single incident would be much more difficult for me to get past. And when it comes to a prolonged emotional affair, I can't imagine ever feeling any security again.

I guess I see it as the difference between the kid who shoplifts a candy bar and is very, very remorseful. He knows right from wrong and after his parents make him take it back and tell the manager he stole it he vows he'll never steal again, and he doesn't. Then you have the habitual armed robber who has no conscience. He doesn't care if it's candy from a baby. He knows it hurts people but he doesn't care. He's only sorry he got caught. THAT is how I can find the ability to forgive. If they are truly and honestly remorseful and I really believe it won't happen again. And believe me, there won't be a 2nd chance.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I was in a serious relationship for 8 years. About five years into it, there was the lying and the cheating, and the lying about the cheating, and then the cheating and then lying about the cheating (yeah, you read that right. He said he cheated when he didn't to try and prove that he was being honest during our attempt to patch things up).

Never again. I thank my lucky stars daily that I had the sense to not marry the guy or to have children with him. Why I stayed with him as long as I did, I'll never know. (I was "in love" with him, but what does that got to do with how horribly I was treated?)

I made it very clear to my husband from the start that ZERO Tolerance is my creed. I would never do that to someone just as I would not want it done to me again. It hasn't been an issue.

 

[daisax]

So far it looks like only one poster addressed the disease aspect. STDs are horrible burdens to carry through life, but some of them are deadly. I should think those with children would be especially sensitive to the risk a cheating spouse would put not only them but their children by bringing potentially life changing disease into their lives.

I watched a friend go through a year of AIDS testing after she caught her husband cheating (with another man). The other man was married, so suddenly she was at the mercy not only of her husband's infidelity, but whatever choices the other man's wife was making for herself. Fortunately everything turned out well for her, but here she was, mid-30s, had only ever slept with her husband, and she had to go to her physician and ask for every STD test known to man... and then wait for results.

Even if you can forgive the infidelity aspect, I don't see how you forgive the Russian Roulette aspect. That's more than a "mistake."

 

[Camicar]

It is not a matter of wanting to be with someone who has cheated, it really is about some other things. The cheating part is so devastating to you that respect is last on your "to worry about" list.

I guess that's where we differ. For me, cheating is a sign of total disrespect and first on my list because respect is the baseline of a healthy relationship. If we don't respect each other, we have nothing.

If someone respects you, they will behave in a manner that demonstrates that respect and which therefore gains them your trust. If someone behaves in a way that diminishes your trust in them, it is the result of disrespect on their part.

And I don't believe in that soul mate stuff, anyway. I think sometimes this attitude that "He's my one and only and I can't live without him" gives people carte blanche to do whatever they want because they know you won't kick them out.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Omg I hope I never have to find out! I put "not sure" because in the end, I guess you never know until you live through something what you would do. At this point 17 years into our relationship, I can't imagine living a day without my husband so I would at least try with therapy. I wouldn't just automatically ax our marriage even though I'd probably want to.

I do think this however. I would have a harder time forgiving my husband if he had a realtionship with a woman. Beyond sex, where they shared life and more than just sex. And if it was a friend, well that would be even harder. I base that thought on a friend of mine whose husband did just that. She always said she could have dealt with a one night stand better than him having a full blown love affair with a woman that she was friends with. She did forgive him. It took a separation, a couple of years and a whole lot of therapy. She never did forgive her friend however.

 

[zippitydoo]

No I would never forgive him. The trust would be gone. If he truly loved me he would not do something to hurt me. Trust is a very important aspect in a relationship and if there is no longer trust that relationship is over.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Well I have always said I would never ever be able to live with DH if I found out he had cheated on me, I always said it would be Over.
But over 2 years ago I went through it with him. It was not a physical relationship they were never alone together. But they would talk for hours at a time and I found out about it from cell phone records.To me the mental realtionships are harder to forgive than physical It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I did not think that I would ever be able to trust him again but guess what I am able to trust him.

We were having major problems we had lost our baby and then I had to take care of my sick DGM until she passed away and I just forgot about him and he turned to someone else. then when that happened I could see how wrong I had been in the past and could see why that he felt he needed someone else. He felt that i was not there for him or that i did not Love him.

After a long long time we have worked through everything and dont check the cell phone records anymore and I dont question him if he goes somewhere. Our relationship is better than ever and I see where I was wrong and he definetely sees where he was wrong to turn to someone else.

We want to be with each other all of the time and I make sure and show him how much he means to me and he does the same for me.

I swear that we went through this situation for a reason and we are truly stronger now than ever. I could not imagine my life without him and he tells me everyday the same thing.

So I am not saying for everyone but most people says they would never ever forgive their spouse but please never say never,because you never know until you have been put in the position.

 

[TLSnell1981]

For those of you who have said your spouse is your One and Only, no matter what, would you really WANT to be with somebody who had cheated on you? How can somebody be your One and Only if they don't have any respect for you?

Gee....I don't think I'd throw him out after 10,227 days of marriage OVER ONE night of indiscretion. I think the OP asked SPECIFICALLY about ONS. I have good marriage and I hope something like that would never happen. If it did...I don't think I'd let it end my world.

I wouldn't look at it as a slight on me....rather, a weakness in him.

 

[beattyfamily]

Well I have always said I would never ever be able to live with DH if I found out he had cheated on me, I always said it would be Over.
But over 2 years ago I went through it with him. It was not a physical relationship they were never alone together. But they would talk for hours at a time and I found out about it from cell phone records. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I did not think that I would ever be able to trust him again but guess what I am able to trust him.

We were having major problems we had lost our baby and then I had to take care of my sick DGM until she passed away and I just forgot about him and he turned to someone else. then when that happened I could see how wrong I had been in the past and could see why that he felt he needed someone else. He felt that i was not there for him or that i did not Love him.

After a long long time we have worked through everything and dont check the cell phome records anymore and I dont question him if he goes somewhere. Our relationship is better than ever and I see where I was wrong and he definetely sees where he was wrong to turn to someone else.

We want to be with each other all of the time and I make sure and show him how much he means to me and he does the same for me.

I swear that we went through this situation for a reason and we are truly stronger now than ever. I could not imagine my life without him and he tells me everyday the same thing.

So I am not saying for everyone but most people says they would never ever forgive their spouse but please never say never,because you never know until you have been put in the position.

That's wonderful that you worked through it. Thank you for sharing.

 

[SydneyFalco]

It's not a matter of not having respect. He's not perfect. Neither am I. When we were married only 5 months he took a temporary transfer within the company 1000 miles away. He would be gone a year and I would visit once a month. I stayed home to work. He'd been gone probably 3 or 4 months when through a twist of circumstance, I happened to meet a gentleman I found extremely attractive both physically and mentally. Because of those circumstances, I had to spend some time with him for several weeks. He made his interest known and I made my marital status known. Although I never let on to either this gentleman or my husband that I would have been interested were I a single woman, I couldn't help but think about him on occasion. My new husband was gone, I was lonely. I must stress NOTHING EVERY HAPPENED AND THE MAN STOPPED HIS FLIRTATION THE MOMENT HE LEARNED I WAS MARRIED! Was there a teensy part of me that thought "dang, if only I wasn't married!"? Of course. I had been divorced more than 10 years before remarrying so it took some getting used to but although an attraction may have been there, the desire to cheat never was. Being so early in our marriage and under those circumstances, I would hope my husband would have shown me mercy if I'd been weak.

If we are talking one night, and ONE NIGHT ONLY, I think I could find it within me to eventually forgive. It would take a while and it would take time to rebuild the trust obviously. I tend to believe one-nighters are the result of prolonged loneliness (as in the case of my early marriage). More than a single incident would be much more difficult for me to get past. And when it comes to a prolonged emotional affair, I can't imagine ever feeling any security again.

Clearly, for those of who think it MIGHT be possible to remain with a person after a one night stand, it has something to do with owning a really cute poodle...

 

[SydneyFalco]

Well I have always said I would never ever be able to live with DH if I found out he had cheated on me, I always said it would be Over.
But over 2 years ago I went through it with him. It was not a physical relationship they were never alone together. But they would talk for hours at a time and I found out about it from cell phone records.To me the mental realtionships are harder to forgive than physical

Yeah, see, to me this would be VERY hard to forgive and I'm amazed that you made it. It's really the "one night" part of one night stand that is dictating my response.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Clearly, for those of who think it MIGHT be possible to remain with a person after a one night stand, it has something to do with owning a really cute poodle...

Hmmp! It wouldn't hurt to have a wicked sense of justice either.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

That's wonderful that you worked through it. Thank you for sharing.

I know it was hard but now we are better than ever

Yeah, see, to me this would be VERY hard to forgive and I'm amazed that you made it. It's really the "one night" part of one night stand that is dictating my response.

Yes thats why I said that to me it is harder to get past than a one night stand.
There was alot of things talked about and shared and it hurts more knowing he had her to talk to about all of it.
I would have much rather he had of just had the one night stand than to carry a mental relationship for over a month.
But it happened and we have worked through it and has brought us closer than ever.

 

[Shugardrawers]

So far it looks like only one poster addressed the disease aspect. STDs are horrible burdens to carry through life, but some of them are deadly.
Even if you can forgive the infidelity aspect, I don't see how you forgive the Russian Roulette aspect. That's more than a "mistake."

Ya know, I hadn't really even thought of that. I guess because my Dh and I were so certain of each other we never worried about that aspect. Let me clarify that. We were able to name each and every prior partner and we had enough of a sense of trust that this wasn't an issue. I understand a previous partner could bring unwanted "baggage" with them but at that point we were pretty darn certain we were clean. It had been a LOOOONG DRY SPELL for us both But still, I have to say, a single indescretion could still be forgivable under most circumstances.

I guess that's where we differ. For me, cheating is a sign of total disrespect and first on my list because respect is the baseline of a healthy relationship. If we don't respect each other, we have nothing.

If someone respects you, they will behave in a manner that demonstrates that respect and which therefore gains them your trust. If someone behaves in a way that diminishes your trust in them, it is the result of disrespect on their part.

And I don't believe in that soul mate stuff, anyway. I think sometimes this attitude that "He's my one and only and I can't live without him" gives people carte blanche to do whatever they want because they know you won't kick them out.

I didn't either. Then I met my husband. I was single for more than 10 years after my divorce. I didn't think anyone would ever understand me. I didn't think I'd ever put up with anyone else's crap. But here I am. The Muffin, he takes a LOT of bull from me and he seems to get why I carry the baggage I do. He knows he's the punching bag frequently for things he was decades away from being around for. He may not be exactly what I pictured when I thought of the knight in shining armor I wanted to whisk me away, but he's really the perfect man for me. I'm sure there are many others in the world that would fit the bill but I found HIM and that's all that counts. When he's gone, if I should survive him, I'd like to marry again. I suspect I'll meet another "soul mate". There's more than 1. They just aren't easy to find.

Omg I hope I never have to find out! I put "not sure" because in the end, I guess you never know until you live through something what you would do. At this point 17 years into our relationship, I can't imagine living a day without my husband so I would at least try with therapy. I wouldn't just automatically ax our marriage even though I'd probably want to.

I do think this however. I would have a harder time forgiving my husband if he had a realtionship with a woman. Beyond sex, where they shared life and more than just sex. And if it was a friend, well that would be even harder. I base that thought on a friend of mine whose husband did just that. She always said she could have dealt with a one night stand better than him having a full blown love affair with a woman that she was friends with.

A full blown love affair would be much harder for me to get past. Lust I can understand and not necessarily take personally. LOVE on the other hand, is VERY personal. I'm not at all sure I could forgive that.

Well I have always said I would never ever be able to live with DH if I found out he had cheated on me, I always said it would be Over.
But over 2 years ago I went through it with him. It was not a physical relationship they were never alone together. But they would talk for hours at a time and I found out about it from cell phone records.To me the mental realtionships are harder to forgive than physical It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I did not think that I would ever be able to trust him again but guess what I am able to trust him.

We were having major problems we had lost our baby and then I had to take care of my sick DGM until she passed away and I just forgot about him and he turned to someone else. then when that happened I could see how wrong I had been in the past and could see why that he felt he needed someone else. He felt that i was not there for him or that i did not Love him.

After a long long time we have worked through everything and dont check the cell phome records anymore and I dont question him if he goes somewhere. Our relationship is better than ever and I see where I was wrong and he definetely sees where he was wrong to turn to someone else.

We want to be with each other all of the time and I make sure and show him how much he means to me and he does the same for me.

I swear that we went through this situation for a reason and we are truly stronger now than ever. I could not imagine my life without him and he tells me everyday the same thing.

So I am not saying for everyone but most people says they would never ever forgive their spouse but please never say never,because you never know until you have been put in the position.

That emotional connection terrifies me. If The Muffin were to find it with another woman I don't know that I'd be able to compete. I know it's my own low self esteem talking here, but I'm almost certain I'd give up before I even tried because I'd feel I wasn't good enough

Gee....I don't think I'd throw him out after 10,227 days of marriage OVER ONE night of indiscretion. I think the OP asked SPECIFICALLY about ONS. I have good marriage and I hope something like that would never happen. If it did...I don't think I'd let it end my world.

I wouldn't look at it as a slight on me....rather, a weakness in him.

EXACTLY!! HE'S NOT PERFECT! I'm not either. I expect him to be faithful yes, but I am willing to work through seriously awful bad times provided they are ONE TIME ONLY!

Clearly, for those of who think it MIGHT be possible to remain with a person after a one night stand, it has something to do with owning a really cute poodle...

Well, no matter what, I WILL ALWAYS RETAIN CUSTODY OF THE POODLE BTW, thanks, I think he's adorable too

 

[cruellababy]

I would; sometimes sex can be just sex.

 

[crcormier]

Yes, I would forgive them. For better or for worse was in my vows. If my wife wanted to be with someone else, then we would have to deal with that.

 

[rie'smom]

For those of you who have said your spouse is your One and Only, no matter what, would you really WANT to be with somebody who had cheated on you? How can somebody be your One and Only if they don't have any respect for you?

We've been married almost 30 years. As far as I know he's never cheated. If he did, I'd forgive him. Part of loving is the ability to forgive.
If he ever had a long term relationship, I'd forgive him but I'd also divorce him.

 

[twoeeyy]

I hope this does not come across the wrong way but to all those that say they would, you cant even imagine how it will affect you unless you are in that situation. I always said I would forgive but when it happened to me earlier this year after 18 years of marriage I realized that I could not and did not want to forgive him. So because of my husbands actions our 18 year marriage is now torn apart and I have filed for a divorce

 

[disykat]

I hope this does not come across the wrong way but to all those that say they would, you cant even imagine how it will affect you unless you are in that situation. I always said I would forgive but when it happened to me earlier this year after 18 years of marriage I realized that I could not and did not want to forgive him. So because of my husbands actions our 18 year marriage is now torn apart and I have filed for a divorce

I'm sorry for your situation. However, I think your attitude of wanting to be able to forgive but not being able to is much healthier than saying it's a blanket dealbreaker. I don't think there's anyone here that has said they would absolutely forgive, just that they might try. On the other hand, there's been a lot of posters that say they would never forgive period.