Would you forgive your partner if they confessed to a one-night stand?

[Camicar]

Sorry, once trust is gone, it's gone. And seeing what my friends have gone through with cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater. Every friend I've had that has had their guy cheat on them, swore on a stack that it would never happen again. But it kept happening, repeatedly, until they were fed up and finally left their sorry butts.

I've seen that too. And what I've heard from the cheater is that, "Well, you forgave me once, so forgive me again. What's the big deal?'

I've seen this over and over and over -- enough times to realize that for most cheaters, forgiveness=permission to do it again.

 

[SydneyFalco]

I agree that a single incident of cheating does not make for a serial cheater--though I'm sure statisically speaking a cheater is vastly more likely to be habitually deceptive and selfish. On the other hand, I'm completely cynical about people ever being able to change. I have never seen any evidence that people can significantly alter their basic personality and behaviour patterns. Of course, that's a good thing for my wife, since I'm fundamentally too honest for my own good.

 

[ntsammy5]

Considering we're both in our 60s, it's unlikely I'll ever have to.........

 

[NY Disney fan]

DH and I actually have discussed it and agree that *if* either of us feels a pressing need to be with someone else, we would have the respect for each other to discuss it first BEFORE acting on our feelings.

This is damn near impossible in *most* circumstances. No one would leave a comfortable, established home life for an untested lifestyle change. Sneaking around is the best way to insure a smooth transition. Talking about it beforehand is a huge risk, no one in their right mind would make. The most realistic transition is the one my ex husband took. He told me he wanted out of the marriage but didn't tell me why. Instead of saying he was having an affair he said the old "I need to find myself" " I need some time to think." This is standard procedure.

 

[baby1disney]

I'm not sure myself either. I would want to say no that I wouldn't forgive, but not sure. Just would depend on the circumstances. I mean if we were both unhappy and came to a mutual agreement on it, that's one thing. But I always told DH that if it ever came to that point. I'd tell him before anything happened. I would at least owe him that respect.

I just had a friend recently confessed to me that she "cheated" on her husband. She went out with some friends and one of the guys kissed her!! She said that he knew she was married, but was mad because she got married and he didn't have a chance with her(which is bs because for almost three yrs she was single and he didn't want to be anymore that just"friends"). So, he thought if he did this, she'd tell her hubby and he'd leave her. I asked her if she kissed back and she said no. It was one of those caught off guard moments. I told her I personally wouldn't have told my hubby(at least I don't think) because her and that guy are really good friends, she said that he was waaaayyy drunk and didn't even remember what had happened until one of his boys told him what he did. her Hubby has only met him once or twice and likes the guy. As a matter of fact, they just went and hung out all together not that long ago and she said that they all had a good time.

IDK. If this was me, it would depend on just how serious that kiss was and if I was into it too!! If the answer would be yes, then I'd tell my husband. But, if it was just an isolated incident, then no. What's the point of getting into an argument about something if it meant nothing?? It would do more harm than good by telling, in that case. I've seen men say things to my mom and women to my dad and they didn't tell each other. Why?!?! Because it was stupid and not worth it!! If or when it became a problem, then they said something, which is probably what I would do.

I'm sure I'm going to get alot of flack for this, but this is MHO. Now as far as a straight up one nighter, ooohhh heck nnnooo!!! His bags would be packed and out the door!! I've kicked him out over alot less stupider stuff!!!! But, that's cause we were fighting and I let come back about an hour later!!!

But, seriously, if it involved sex, NO WAY would I forgive because what if he got her pregnant, she gave him something, fatal attraction, etc?!?!? That's too much of a headache to deal with!!

 

[luvmy2sams]

Absolutely not.

DH and I have been together for over 18 years, but if either of us cheated, the marriage would be over. Cheating is the big dealbreaker for us, and one that neither one of us would be willing to move past. Once that trust and respect is gone, there's no way it's coming back in the same way.

 

[momto2girls]

I don't know if I could ever completely forgive it (at least not for a very long time), but I would definitely try to forget it. I don't plan to get divorced for any reason. I feel as close to 100% certain as I can that I would not destroy our marriage over it.

My DH and I have been married for 15 years and together for 18. A girlfriend before he met me cheated on him and it devastated him. We've discussed it and he does feel that cheating is a dealbreaker and takes it very seriously. We both agreed to let each other know if we want out prior to having an affair. So, I'm fairly hopeful that it would never happen, but if it did, I doubt seriously that I would let it change my life.

 

[C.Ann]

ITA, especially the bolded part. Forgot to address it in my previous post.

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I agree.. With long-term counseling (to get at the root of why it happened to begin with) and a very strong effort on the part of the parties involved, it can be overcome and not mean the death of the marriage..

As I posted earlier - I know of several couples - up close and personal - and the fact that they are still together 20 to 30+ years later and happier than they were prior to the "incident", just points out that a blanket statement can't be made for all situations.. Knee jerk reactions are to just throw in the towel.. If ones marriage is important, they will do the hard work necessary to determine the "why's" and then make every effort to resolve the problem before deciding it's over..

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

not so much. lol

if i ever did, it would take years and years and years....????

 

[Fintastic]

Even if I did try to forgive him (which I doubt I could), and he never cheated again, there would always be that little "what if" in the back of my head. If he has to work late, I'll wonder if he's really working late or if he's out with some other woman. If he goes out with his friends I'll wonder if that's really true. The problem with cheating isn't the cheating itself - it's the trust that it destroys.

 

[PatriciaH]

DH's dad cheated on his mom several times and she stayed with him but never forgave him. She used to bring it up in conversation at family gatherings, etc. and it was awful! Either forgive him or break up. It got so bad I try not to be alone with her for any amount of time because she alwasys wants to talk about it 30+ years later! DH saw what it did to her (she was a complete basket case and lost it.) He (8 at the time) had to take care of his sister (4) and it was really scary. He would never put another person through that. It is a total deal breaker for either of us. I always say have the b**ls to tell the other person before anything happens. Some people get off on the sneaking around part though!

 

[ecuagoddess]

I feel as close to 100% certain as I can that I would not destroy our marriage over it.

But YOU wouldn't be the one destroying the marriage, the CHEATER destroys the marriage.

Cheating is also a dealbreaker for me and DH knows it.

 

[daisax]

People do make mistakes.

A mistake is forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. Having sex (even once) with somebody outside the marriage involves a series of deliberate choices and actions. Just because somebody chooses not to think about the ramifications in the moment doesn't mean they didn't have ample opportunity to consider them and make different choices.

And that would trigger my conscious choice to leave.

 

[starrzone]

Yes I would forgive, however I could never forget, and therefor the relationship would be over.

Very well said and I agree 100%; I'm the same way.

ETA: I was seeing a guy this summer who had literally JUST gotten out of an 8-year on/off relationship (I know; HUGE mistake in retrospect). Our relationship went on until one day when I found out he had a new girlfriend (2 months after we started seeing each other), and then 3 months after that I found out that the 2 of them were engaged. Now, I have NO idea when exactly they got together, but I'm pretty darn sure it was while he was seeing me. She's more than welcome to him, but I feel like calling her up and saying "We have to meet in person so I can tell you exactly how your finacee treats women and about what an a$$ he is" (he completely cut off contact with me and then when we did see each other again, acted like everything was just hunky dory. Anything I've found out about him since has been from friends, whom I trust very much).

I've forgiven him for what he did to me (it's a long story; the above is a bit of a condensed version), but I will never, ever forget. I really feel for those people who are put in the position to have to figure out what to do because his/her partner had an affair. There are enough stresses to deal with in relationships without throwing cheating in the mix, but of course sometimes stress can cause the cheating, however misguided it may be...on the other hand, some people are truly "messed up" and/or jerks, and there's nothing you can say or do to change that. They may have said or did things in the beginning of the relationship that sucked you in, but now that times are tough, the real deal is coming through.

to anyone who has ever gone through this. Everyone is different and there are an infinite number of circumstances that precede an affair. There is no way that there can be one right answer for everyone.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I believe that cheating calls for The Three S's of Marriage: Shoot, Shovel and Shut Up!!

 

[SeaShelley]

There's not a snowball's chance in Hades that I would ever forgive. He'd be looking for a new place to live pronto !

 

[Breezie]

I am not in a long term relationship right now, so I cannot say with absolute certainty, but at this point in my life-- I would not forgive them. You put your faith in this person that they would stay true to you.. And they broke that promise.

Even if I did try to forgive him (which I doubt I could), and he never cheated again, there would always be that little "what if" in the back of my head. If he has to work late, I'll wonder if he's really working late or if he's out with some other woman. If he goes out with his friends I'll wonder if that's really true. The problem with cheating isn't the cheating itself - it's the trust that it destroys.

I believe this is what ruined my parents' marriage. My Mom was always questioning, and not always out loud, what he was doing-- and if he was really doing what he said he was. And he very well might not have done it again, but their trust was broken.

 

[Keggy]

There is no way I could forget. He knows that by cheating, he would be hurting me in a way that I couldn't forgive him. We have had many discussions about this. We both feel the same way.

I believe in the saying that Past behavior, predicts future behavior. So, yes, I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. I would never trust someone who cheats.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[TomLovesBecky]

I wouldn't, I would never trust them again. Infidelity and dishonesty are deal breakers as far as I'm concerned.

would you???

No.