Would you buy something even though your S.O. Is completely against it?

[ScottOKW2K]

Hi

My daughter 16 really wants a kitten
She’s wanted one since she was little
I’ve put her off but she’s still pretty persistent about it
We have 2 dogs that she shows, so she spends a lot of time with them.
Husband is completely against the kitten, "no good reason" just that we don’t need another animal , vet bills, food , litter box etc etc
DH is not an animal person , like his whole family
In the 30 years we’ve been married we’ve always had dogs and at a time a cat
He tolerates them but not like me and the kids are , completely in love with them
DH can be controlling and a real butthead to put it nicely
I’ve always just said ok but this time I’m inclined to say forget it we’re getting a kitten

Am I crazy ?

No, you should not get a cat. I can speak to this from several aspects. I like dogs and have had several in the past. However, like your husband I am not a cat person and would never choose one for a pet. Your husband may be like that in his thought processes too. In addition, despite your knowledge of your husband's antipathy toward having animals you have not only had animals in the home for most of the last thirty years but you have even upped the ante on the last two by having them be show animals. Something that has a significant cost in both time and money. Now you are wanting to add another animal into the mix, and I will credit you with enough intelligence to know in your heart of hearts that this kitten will end up being your kitten, not the daughters. She'll likely be moving away to college and her life after that, and most colleges don't allow pets in the living quarters.

I have a question- If you have always "just said ok", then how have you ended up having pets for the last 3 decades? And having the last two be SHOW animals?

My gut feeling is that we are definitely only getting one side of the dynamics of this relationship. By your statement he doesn't care to have pets but has at least tolerated it for you and the kids. To bring a kitten home knowing how he feels about it would show a SERIOUS lack of respect for his feelings. I also have to believe that your daughter also knows how he feels, and is using you to bypass him. It looks like it's worked well for her in the past, hasn't it?

 

[trip]

Hi

it’s been a while since I posted but wanted some honest opinions and I know u guys will give them lol
My daughter 16 really wants a kitten
She’s wanted one since she was little
I’ve put her off but she’s still pretty persistent about it
We have 2 dogs that she shows, so she spends a lot of time with them.
Husband is completely against the kitten, no good reason just that we don’t need another animal , vet bills, food , litter box etc etc
DH is not an animal person , like his whole family
In the 30 years we’ve been married we’ve always had dogs and at a time a cat
He tolerates them but not like me and the kids are , completely in love with them
DH can be controlling and a real butthead to put it nicely
I’ve always just said ok but this time I’m inclined to say forget it we’re getting a kitten

Am I crazy ?

It sounds like your household already has a pretty big pet commitment
with the 2 show dogs you have. Since she is 16 and perhaps she will be off to college in two years - who will be responsible for the cat then? My suggestion would be to wait until she is off on her own and she can get one then.

 

[mumto3girls]

I would put my marriage way ahead of my child’s desire for another pet so yes, to answer your question, I think you would be crazy to add a cat to your household against your husband’s wishes.

I might be inclined to try to persuade him as to the excellent reasons for allowing a child to have a pet, but you say you have always had pets during your marriage, including 2 dogs now and in this case the child is 16 and likely to not be living in the household for even a fraction of the cat’s likely lifespan.

Sounds like he has done his share of compromising...

 

[TCRAIG]

Honestly - if my daughter wanted a kitten and I wanted a kitten and my husband didn’t want a kitten - there’d be a kitten in our house...but with the understanding that he would not be responsible for for it’s care...

 

[LSUmiss]

I understand what you’re saying but if it was up to my husband we would NEVER have had any pets
He’s miserable with the 2 we have now

Sorry I’m with you. Animals are a very important part of my life. However, DH knew that going in. He loves the pets, but not like I do. It’s hard for me to think that I wouldn’t put my foot down on something like that b/c it’s that important to me. I also think it’s important for children to grow up with pets too & DS LOVES all our pets. We lost our last cat about a yr ago & had agreed no more cats. Well...we now have a 5 month old kitten. It took some convincing, but I didn’t go against DHs wishes. But, we also talked about why he didn’t want a cat & I solved all those issues & ended up getting a breed that’s known for being dog-like which is really what sold DH.

 

[LSUmiss]

Honestly - if my daughter wanted a kitten and I wanted a kitten and my husband didn’t want a kitten - there’d be a kitten in our house...but with the understanding that he would not be responsible for for it’s care...

Yep that’s pretty much how it goes here too.

 

[disykat]

Joining the crowd of not understanding why you're acting like your DH is uncompromising when you've clearly had multiple pets despite him not wanting any. That is enough reason not to get yet another pet. At some point, your DH deserves to have a say too. He clearly hasn't had one.

Not only have you kidded yourself into believing your DH is somehow not allowed to have any say and is a "butthead" because you prefer your own opinion, you are ignoring that your dd is 16. I have friends with kids in their early/mid 20's that STILL have their kid's pets living with them for various reasons. YOU are adopting a cat that may possibly leave some day with your dd, but don't try to pretend it's just hers. It will most likely be living with you for many years. If she lives in a dorm, an apartment that doesn't take pets, studies or works abroad, etc. etc. that cat will be with you.

I don't get how anyone can move a living being into their home without mutual agreement that it's welcome.

 

[disykat]

Honestly - if my daughter wanted a kitten and I wanted a kitten and my husband didn’t want a kitten - there’d be a kitten in our house...but with the understanding that he would not be responsible for for it’s care...

Yep that’s pretty much how it goes here too.

Do they make decisions like that over your head too? Trying to wrap my head around this one. Do you put the animal in a kennel every time you leave the house? Get a pet sitter? How is it even possible for him not to participate in care? (Most cats I know LOVE people that don't like cats and never leave them alone!)

 

[LSUmiss]

Do they make decisions like that over your head too? Trying to wrap my head around this one. Do you put the animal in a kennel every time you leave the house? Get a pet sitter? How is it even possible for him not to participate in care? (Most cats I know LOVE people that don't like cats and never leave them alone!)

No DH wouldn’t draw a line in the sand for something that is that important to me or DS & I wouldn’t do that to him either. And yes I do most of the caretaking for most of the pets & pretty much all for the kitten. He takes the dogs out & feeds them at times, but I do everything else. He doesn’t feed the kitten or do his litter box. I do all that. He likes him enough though. He’s actually sitting on DHs lap right now. I didn’t get him or any pet against DHs wishes. I just had to do some convincing. Guess I can’t imagine being in a relationship where someone tells me “no” & that’s just it.

 

[disykat]

No DH wouldn’t draw a line in the sand for something that is that important to me or DS & I wouldn’t do that to him either. And yes I do most of the caretaking for most of the pets & pretty much all for the kitten. He takes the dogs out & feeds them at times, but I do everything else. He doesn’t feed the kitten or do his litter box. I do all that. He likes him enough though. He’s actually sitting on DHs lap right now. I didn’t get him or any pet against DHs wishes. I just had to do some convincing. Guess I can’t imagine being in a relationship where someone tells me “no” & that’s just it.

AGREED! However, that relationship rule goes both ways.

Clearly the OP is not in a relationship where her spouse just says "no." She says she has always had and continues to get multiple pets despite him not wanting any. (remember this is pet #3 (?) coming into the household where one of the adult decision makers in the home wants 0.) He obviously drew no line in the sand so she just gets what she wants. In this case, the OP is doing exactly what you advocate against - not being willing to take her spouse's opinion into consideration.

 

[TCRAIG]

Do they make decisions like that over your head too? Trying to wrap my head around this one. Do you put the animal in a kennel every time you leave the house? Get a pet sitter? How is it even possible for him not to participate in care? (Most cats I know LOVE people that don't like cats and never leave them alone!)

1 - Yup - we’ve been married 40 years - no way do we agree on everything all the time
2 - Nope - cats are very self sufficient - when we’re gone more than a day or 2, we have a neighbor check in...you just need to be sure you have enough food out for them and a source of clean water and a coupla litter boxes or a cat door so they can go outside when they need to
I do think that perhaps you’ve never had a cat - they’re usually not near as needy as dogs

 

[nkereina]

1 - Yup - we’ve been married 40 years - no way do we agree on everything all the time
2 - Nope - cats are very self sufficient - when we’re gone more than a day or 2, we have a neighbor check in...you just need to be sure you have enough food out for them and a source of clean water and a coupla litter boxes or a cat door so they can go outside when they need to
I do think that perhaps you’ve never had a cat - they’re usually not near as needy as dogs

No, they aren't as needy as dogs, but they still come with vet costs, care costs, potential to damage furniture, potential to leave markings/urine stains and smells, fur on your stuff, potential to trigger allergies. Plus, it could be a 15+ year commitment. For the person who doesn't want it, there are probably many more factors behind their decision than just having to feed it and change the litter. This isn't a hamster you can stick in a cage on the shelf, its another living thing that roams your house and comes in contact with all your stuff.

 

[Colleen27]

Do they make decisions like that over your head too? Trying to wrap my head around this one. Do you put the animal in a kennel every time you leave the house? Get a pet sitter? How is it even possible for him not to participate in care? (Most cats I know LOVE people that don't like cats and never leave them alone!)

Yeah, there are decisions DH makes "over my head" too. We're an opposites-attract sort of couple and there are issues where consensus just isn't going to happen, so in those cases we tend to resolve the issues in favor of whomever feels more strongly. Sometimes that means I overrule him, sometimes that means he overrules me. We're both pretty laid back and adaptable, so it works for us even on bigger issues than pets - I'm a city girl but have lived in a small town for close to 20 years because he felt very strongly about the kids getting an "old fashioned" childhood. I'll be happy when our last is off to college and we move closer to the city, but I don't resent living in Mayberry so they can ride their bikes all over town and play out in the woods with friends and walk anywhere they could ever need to go. By the same token, I'm sure he looks forward to not having such a houseful of animals someday, but he doesn't resent having them now.

But he also doesn't hate cats, or any animal, so much that just having one in his space would make him miserable; he just doesn't want to be bothered with the work and responsibilities of animal ownership. I, on the other hand, love animals in general and strongly believe animal ownership and childhood go hand-in-hand, so we've had more pets while our kids were/are young than I'd want if it were just us. He doesn't clean litter boxes or trim nails or take the cats to the vet or even remind the kids to do their animal-care chores, but he doesn't get upset if one of the pets wants to sit next to him on the couch while he watches TV and wouldn't expect me to keep any of them 100% away from him all the time. He doesn't even mind watching/feeding/watering them when I'm traveling without him, though DS22 (who, like DH, is a homebody without a lot of vacation time) handles scooping and changing the litter boxes when I'm away.

 

[pinkxray]

Dh isn’t a dog person. I am not. When our last German Shepherd passed away about a year ago I said I needed a break. Maybe wait a year until we get another. Even not being a dog person it is devastating when they are gone.
A month later he sends me a pic of a German Shepherd puppy. I said no way, he wasn’t very cute, and I didn’t want another dog yet.
Come home and guess who is there. The dog. We coexist but I’m still not really a fan of him a year later.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Husband is completely against the kitten, no good reason just that we don’t need another animal , vet bills, food , litter box etc etc
DH is not an animal person , like his whole family
In the 30 years we’ve been married we’ve always had dogs and at a time a cat

So if he's not a pet person, but you have dogs anyway, and have had a cat before ... maybe this time just give him this win?

It appears on this issue he is always overruled. Maybe he's sick of taking one for the team all the time on this issue?

 

[QueenIsabella]

This wouldn't be just a "no", from me, it would be a HECK NO!". It isn't fair to your DH, it isn't fair to the cat, and it really isn't even fair to your DD, who will be off to college or on with her life in just a couple short years.

OP is being selfish and disrespectful to her DH for even considering this, especially on top of two show dogs. And HE's the controlling butthole? Oops, sorry, butthead? Methinks the OP should look in a mirror. And consider marriage counseling, if this scenario seems in any way acceptable to her.

To give this a different perspective--what if the DH wanted to get a pet snake? Would that be somehow okay, even if the OP had a deep, abiding fear of them?

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I didn’t get him or any pet against DHs wishes. I just had to do some convincing. Guess I can’t imagine being in a relationship where someone tells me “no” & that’s just it.

That sounds a bit contradicting. You don't get pets against your spouse's wishes you just had to convince him? Maybe you're talking about a different situation, like your spouse is OPEN to the idea of a pet but is still hesitating. I can understand that, though it should still be an open discussion on both ends, meaning you'd be open to not getting the pet same as your spouse is open to the idea of getting a pet.

Realistically many people have situations where their spouse says "no". You can still be a no in the end but have a discussion about it. Sometimes issues can arise when a partner won't accept that no. But if your partner is just a no without ever having a discussion (as opposed to just every now and then it's a hard line in the sand) that usually comes off like a controlling relationship and I can understand not wanting to be in that one.

In the case of the author of this thread the spouse has already bent and had pets in the household. To me it comes off pretty disrespectful of someone to keep pushing for more pets and I would not do what you do and try to convince (that would read like nagging in this specific situation to me) the spouse. In this specific situation it signals to me the author of the thread is more interested in 'I want' and may not even care (sorry to sound harsh) about their spouse's feelings on the matter. That's why I said they should take what they have and be happy. Maybe the whole "relationship compromise" mantra should come in play. The spouse obviously has already compromised, the author of the thread can compromise here and let the issue go.

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm married to a man who is not a pet person. I had two cats when we got married. The agreement was when the last one went over the rainbow bridge we would not get anymore. I've stuck to that.

There's no way I'd add a kitten to the household without DH being fully onboard. Instead, I have a horse that's boarded elsewhere. He's fine with that, just doesn't want an animal in the house.

 

[LSUmiss]

That sounds a bit contradicting. You don't get pets against your spouse's wishes you just had to convince him? Maybe you're talking about a different situation, like your spouse is OPEN to the idea of a pet but is still hesitating. I can understand that, though it should still be an open discussion on both ends, meaning you'd be open to not getting the pet same as your spouse is open to the idea of getting a pet.

Realistically many people have situations where their spouse says "no". You can still be a no in the end but have a discussion about it. Sometimes issues can arise when a partner won't accept that no. But if your partner is just a no without ever having a discussion (as opposed to just every now and then it's a hard line in the sand) that usually comes off like a controlling relationship and I can understand not wanting to be in that one.

In the case of the author of this thread the spouse has already bent and had pets in the household. To me it comes off pretty disrespectful of someone to keep pushing for more pets and I would not do what you do and try to convince (that would read like nagging in this specific situation to me) the spouse. In this specific situation it signals to me the author of the thread is more interested in 'I want' and may not even care (sorry to sound harsh) about their spouse's feelings on the matter. That's why I said they should take what they have and be happy. Maybe the whole "relationship compromise" mantra should come in play. The spouse obviously has already compromised, the author of the thread can compromise here and let the issue go.

My spouse is always open to things that are that important to me as am I for him. I guess that’s the part I don’t get. There really has never been anything I wanted that badly that was just a hard no from him.

 

[clutter]

I understand what you’re saying but if it was up to my husband we would NEVER have had any pets
He’s miserable with the 2 we have now

My dad never liked pets. After the last kid (me) went off to college, he made my mom promise no more pets after the remaining dog passed. He said that we'd had pets for decades, and it was his turn to not have any.