Would you buy something even though your S.O. Is completely against it?

[Heigh-Ho]

My spouse is always open to things that are that important to me as am I for him. I guess that’s the part I don’t get. There really has never been anything I wanted that badly that was just a hard no from him.

Maybe that's the issue then? You've never experienced that.

This pet thing, the author of the thread knew their spouse didn't want a pet and yet she has some already so it's not actually a hard no from him. It's a hard no now. I can only guess that you see that as an issue but clearly many of us can see how much the spouse has already gave in in the past. If you kept pushing for a pet I wouldn't call that being considerate of your partner knowing they didn't want a pet, knowing they already gave in and got a pet. I can't imagine not being able to imagine how that comes across. And it really can't be spun as being open to something that is important to you, the spouse of the author of the thread already did that, the author of the thread isn't willing to accept that. I quoted you because you said you just convinced your husband. That can easily go the route of nagging, and can easily go the route of being inconsiderate of someone's feelings because "you want you want you want". I'm not saying that is how it actually was; doesn't sound like it was, just that can easily be the impression of it. To be fair to you the other poster said they would just get the kitten if that's what they wanted, you did however agree that's how it was in your household. I think it's also fairly common for people to have their hard limits. My hard limit is I don't want to move away from where I live. I'm not open to that under a normal circumstance. I know that can be perceived as inflexible or even unrealistic (which is why I said under a normal circumstance) but at least I know how it can come off, not sure the author of the thread (and again I don't mean to be harsh) sees how they are coming off.

 

[mjkacmom]

My spouse is always open to things that are that important to me as am I for him. I guess that’s the part I don’t get. There really has never been anything I wanted that badly that was just a hard no from him.

Some people don’t like animals, the OP’s husband has suffered through at least 3 of them, My DH wanted 2 kids, I wanted 3, he agreed to 3. Obviously if he felt strongly that he didn’t want another child, we wouldn’t have had that child. Having a pet is a big long term commitment.

 

[mumto3girls]

My spouse is always open to things that are that important to me as am I for him. I guess that’s the part I don’t get. There really has never been anything I wanted that badly that was just a hard no from him.

I get that and I think both parties having consideration for the other’s wants and needs tends to factor into a happy marriage, however, OP admits they already have 2 animals in the home that make him miserable. Why would you add a third that is, at least according to the OP, for her 16 year old daughter? Most 16 year olds are at least contemplating being out of the house in the next few years. The husband isn’t indifferent, he’s miserable.

 

[LSUmiss]

Maybe that's the issue then? You've never experienced that.

This pet thing, the author of the thread knew their spouse didn't want a pet and yet she has some already so it's not actually a hard no from him. It's a hard no now. I can only guess that you see that as an issue but clearly many of us can see how much the spouse has already gave in in the past. If you kept pushing for a pet I wouldn't call that being considerate of your partner knowing they didn't want a pet, knowing they already gave in and got a pet. I can't imagine not being able to imagine how that comes across. And it really can't be spun as being open to something that is important to you, the spouse of the author of the thread already did that, the author of the thread isn't willing to accept that. I quoted you because you said you just convinced your husband. That can easily go the route of nagging, and can easily go the route of being inconsiderate of someone's feelings because "you want you want you want". I'm not saying that is how it actually was; doesn't sound like it was, just that can easily be the impression of it. To be fair to you the other poster said they would just get the kitten if that's what they wanted, you did however agree that's how it was in your household. I think it's also fairly common for people to have their hard limits. My hard limit is I don't want to move away from where I live. I'm not open to that under a normal circumstance. I know that can be perceived as inflexible or even unrealistic (which is why I said under a normal circumstance) but at least I know how it can come off, not sure the author of the thread (and again I don't mean to be harsh) sees how they are coming off.

Perhaps it’s the pet part that I can’t get past. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t like animals, but that’s ok b/c I am not. I think there is something missing in ppl like that. That’s my opinion though. As far as my “convincing”, I stated in pp that DH & I discussed his specific concerns about why he didn’t want a cat & I came up with solutions to all of those including what breed to get. Now he absolutely loves the cat & said that he is glad that we got him. And if DS wanted something there would be absolutely no question from him. So guess I just can’t relate to having a spouse like that...thankfully.

 

[LSUmiss]

I get that and I think both parties having consideration for the other’s wants and needs tends to factor into a happy marriage, however, OP admits they already have 2 animals in the home that make him miserable. Why would you add a third that is, at least according to the OP, for her 16 year old daughter? Most 16 year olds are at least contemplating being out of the house in the next few years. The husband isn’t indifferent, he’s miserable.

I must have missed where she said he’s miserable.

 

[mousefan73]

My DH and I have a joint account and I know our financial situation whether at that moment being good or bad. For him to be "against" me buying something it would have to be a high cost/ investment level item. And that I would not do as in this marriage his money is my money and v.v. So larger purchases we agree on.

Now if I splurge on an item for ex. an expensive purse or what not. he might not like it, nor care.. But it wont make or break our account.

edit: I did once buy something he was more or less against... I booked a cruise at opening day and waited 1.5 years before I told him what was going on.. He wasnt happy but by then we couldnt cancel.... and losing the money was worse than going... sorry hon.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Perhaps it’s the pet part that I can’t get past. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t like animals, but that’s ok b/c I am not. I think there is something missing in ppl like that. That’s my opinion though. As far as my “convincing”, I stated in pp that DH & I discussed his specific concerns about why he didn’t want a cat & I came up with solutions to all of those including what breed to get. Now he absolutely loves the cat & said that he is glad that we got him. And if DS wanted something there would be absolutely no question from him. So guess I just can’t relate to having a spouse like that...thankfully.

Yes I think that's the issue. You can't relate to the animal part. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't like cats or dogs but that does not mean I don't know and don't respect when someone is not the biggest fan of them.

I think though even if you can't relate you should be able to see how it might feel to be the author's spouse in this situation. Many of us are animal lovers but we also respect boundaries too and the animal lovers who don't respect boundaries tend to be looked unfavorably on; you know the ones who insist everyone will love their dog and lets them jump all over people or brings them when they are guests at someone's house without even asking, or the ones who don't seem to notice that the person is trying to not have the cat all on their lap.

You can be an animal lover and yet not want to have a lot of them or prefer one kind of pet. The author of the thread has ceased to respect the boundaries at this point and just is pushing for their way (maybe they will end up not getting the kitten though).

 

[Heigh-Ho]

I must have missed where she said he’s miserable.

I understand what you’re saying but if it was up to my husband we would NEVER have had any pets
He’s miserable with the 2 we have now

 

[mjkacmom]

Yes I think that's the issue. You can't relate to the animal part. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't like cats or dogs but that does not mean I don't know and don't respect when someone is not the biggest fan of them.

I think though even if you can't relate you should be able to see how it might feel to be the author's spouse in this situation. Many of us are animal lovers but we also respect boundaries too and the animal lovers who don't respect boundaries tend to be looked unfavorably on; you know the ones who insist everyone will love their dog and lets them jump all over people or brings them when they are guests at someone's house without even asking, or the ones who don't seem to notice that the person is trying to not have the cat all on their lap.

You can be an animal lover and yet not want to have a lot of them or prefer one kind of pet. The author of the thread has ceased to respect the boundaries at this point and just is pushing for their way (maybe they will end up not getting the kitten though).

I love animals, DH loves animals, our kids love animals - but I know not everyone does, I personally know some. All it takes is a little empathy to see their perspective.

 

[cabanafrau]

It's highly unlikely IMO that the kids in this family are unaware of this dynamic, or of the completely disrespectful attitude their mother has about their father.

No way that's at all influential of their ideas about how relationships work and/or what it takes to build a happy and successful marriage or might set them up for a lifetime of conflict, misery and unhappiness. All the things parents dream of for their children's future.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Have to agree with the majority here and say no because it’s unfair to the cat, as well as to your DH.

Perhaps your daughter can volunteer at a shelter to spend time with cats until she is old enough to have one on her own (in her own home).

 

[LSUmiss]

I love animals, DH loves animals, our kids love animals - but I know not everyone does, I personally know some. All it takes is a little empathy to see their perspective.

Meh there are a ton of things I can have empathy for, not liking animals raises red flags to me imo. But I definitely wouldn’t force my animals on anyone else. But I also don’t know anyone who doesn’t have or love pets in my circle so it’s all good.

 

[disykat]

I do think that perhaps you’ve never had a cat - they’re usually not near as needy as dogs

I had a cat for 16 years growing up and then lived with a roommate who had a cat for 3 years. Yes, cats are more independent than dogs, but they still need interaction and care. My roommate would sometimes stay with her boyfriend and just come home briefly to take care of the cat. I remember lots of times coming home to a very lonely cat who wanted and needed attention. I lived with the cat, so of course I helped take care of the cat. It's a living being, not something you can just ignore. (And of course, my roommate actually got my approval before moving in a new family member!)

 

[RangerPooh]

My DH does this and it frustrates me. We now have 20 chickens and 16 ducks and geese because he wanted a reliable source of protein (eggs). We raised chickens years ago, and I was against doing it again. But it has been nice to gift our friends with a regular supply of eggs as they produce more than we consume.

If it was me we'd only have the cats. They're less maintenance.

 

[Allison]

I understand what you’re saying but if it was up to my husband we would NEVER have had any pets
He’s miserable with the 2 we have now

And yet you have 2. It is really unfair you would consider bringing another pet into your home without any consideration to your husband.

 

[okeydokey]

My daughter wanted another kitten at that age too. When she moved out for College two years later, she got a cat of her own and is very happy, as are her Dad and I. Her cat, her home. I would think OPs daughter could wait a couple of years and have the household she desires.

 

[_19disnA]

It's not clear to me if the OP is asking our opinion on her specific situation or was asking a general question.

 

[Ellie008]

My neighbor got a dog "for her daughter" when the kid was 16. Yep, two years later the kid is off to college and the parents have the dog. Getting a pet with a fairly long life expectancy for an older child seems off to me.

I second (third?) the idea of having the kid volunteer at a shelter. I did that before we had kids, and I loved it. I choose not to own cats due to allergies of family who would visit us, and volunteering with cats was really satisfying for me.

As to the original question - I have certainly purchased things DH did not approve of. However, I would never get a pet without everyone in the family agreeing to it. And I would not purchase something DH was strongly against. The things I have purchased that he said no to were small things that he was against, but not strongly against, and in the end made me happy and didn't really affect him.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

It's not clear to me if the OP is asking our opinion on her specific situation or was asking a general question.

The author gave their situation and asked "Am I crazy" so I'm going to roll with they were asking about a specific situation. If they were asking generally they sure shouldn't have put in their actual situation and asked us if we thought they were crazy as both of those make it personal and not general.

 

[Karin1984]

It's not clear to me if the OP is asking our opinion on her specific situation or was asking a general question.

The title is a general question, the topic is asking for opinions on her situation.