Would you be comfortable letting your spouse carpool to work alone....

[kaylie&laurensmom]

To me if the guy is unhappy, he will find it anywhere then. And even if the person has questionable morals, doesnt the other person have SELF CONTROL He can find people who would be willing to take him up for sex or an affair anywhere. I mean he could say he is working late, go to a happy hour, take off the ring a voila, he may get lucky. I mean in your scenario people shouldnt go to work bc they might be attracted to their coworker. Guess what you got to go to work. You need to TRUST.

Like I said I dont want to live my life or my marriage like that.

I totally agree with your post. I do trust MY dh. I said in my post, DEPENDING ON THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. There are MANY spouses out there who are NOT trustworthy. I personally wouldn't be or stay married to an untrustworthy person, but lots of people are in a situation like this.

 

[disney4us2002]

I voted it wouldn't bother me, but really it wouldn't bother me if it were my spouse. If I were the one who needed to carpool, then it would bother me. I'm not a fan of carpooling (sorry greenies) because I don't like to chitchat and 90 minutes a day would KILL me. I like to listen to music or just drive in silence with my thoughts. It would be hard enough to have to ride with a coworker but to ride with my boss? No way!

 

[CEDmom]

For those of you who are uncomfortable with the idea of carpooling or don't trust your spouse completely how do you feel about him/her taking business trips? Your spouse is out of town with access to a hotel room and with lots of possible cheating partners available.

You have to remember for a spouse to cheat they have to be a willing partner. Yes, it is possible for someone to kiss your spouse without their ok but beyond that they have to consent or we'd be calling it something other than an affair.

I work with lots of men - some very attractive - some more physically attractive than my DH - some with a better sense of humor than my DH - I could go on. The point is I don't cheat because I don't want to. You could dangle George Clooney in front of me and I wouldn't cheat.

It all boils down to trust, self confidence and faith.

 

[grlpwrd]

For those of you who are uncomfortable with the idea of carpooling or don't trust your spouse completely how do you feel about him/her taking business trips? Your spouse is out of town with access to a hotel room and with lots of possible cheating partners available.

You have to remember for a spouse to cheat they have to be a willing partner. Yes, it is possible for someone to kiss your spouse without their ok but beyond that they have to consent or we'd be calling it something other than an affair.

I work with lots of men - some very attractive - some more physically attractive than my DH - some with a better sense of humor than my DH - I could go on. The point is I don't cheat because I don't want to. You could dangle George Clooney in front of me and I wouldn't cheat.

It all boils down to trust, self confidence and faith.

Not necessarily... it can be about opportunity, too. My dh works in Baltimore and I know workplace affairs (physical and emotional one's) are real.

I trust my husband, though, but I am realistic. Affairs can and do happen... and there doesn't even have to be a reason for someone straying. Some people just do. Plus, workplace affairs are the most common.

I have known way too many people who explicitly trusted their dh's or dw's only to be heartbroken when they found out otherwise.

 

[OceanAnnie]

For those of you who are uncomfortable with the idea of carpooling or don't trust your spouse completely how do you feel about him/her taking business trips? Your spouse is out of town with access to a hotel room and with lots of possible cheating partners available.

You have to remember for a spouse to cheat they have to be a willing partner. Yes, it is possible for someone to kiss your spouse without their ok but beyond that they have to consent or we'd be calling it something other than an affair.

I work with lots of men - some very attractive - some more physically attractive than my DH - some with a better sense of humor than my DH - I could go on. The point is I don't cheat because I don't want to. You could dangle George Clooney in front of me and I wouldn't cheat.

It all boils down to trust, self confidence and faith.

There are a lot of variables in life. 50% of marriages don't make it. 50%! That's pretty steep odds.

 

[kt_mom]

I would not be okay with it. I would not be okay with frequent lunch "dates" with someone of the opposite sex either. I wonder how many that said they thought it was crazy that anyone would have a problem with have been personnaly touched by an affair.

A very large percentage of affairs come out of the workplace. And 3 hours alone in the car everyday with someone of the opposite sex is a great breeding ground for that. Maybe the marriage is fine when things start out. But maybe over time the carpoolers become friends. Not overly close but friends. Then at some point person A goes through a rough patch in their marriage. Not that they want to divorce their spouse but a rough time. Eventually it becomes obvious to their friend who they spend 3 hours a day alone with. And a conversation starts. Eventually they have crossed the line and an emotional connection is made. That's the slippery slope, and many times you don't realize you are on it until its too late. Its not that person A's spouse shouldn't have trusted them, things just happened.

And I LOVE all the people that sit back and say that they whole heartedly trust their spouse and they KNOW that their spouse would not cheat on them. No one should ever say that. Because in the end not a single one of us can really ever know for sure what any other person would do. Alot of people cannot even know what they themselves are going to do. I'm sure that alot of people that have had an affair will tell you that they never thought they would or could ever do that. My DH would tell you that. I trusted him completely. I was blindsided by his affair. But so was he in a sense.

It took alot of work on both of our parts to work through things. But I have learned alot marriage and how affairs happen. And most people who's spouse cheats on them completely trusted them. Most of them never saw it coming. And most of the ones involved in the affair didn't mean for it to happen.

So, no. I would not be okay with it. I think its inappropriate and in the end people tend to talk. You can say that you shouldn't worry about what other people think. But to some people perception is reality. I wouldn't want to be in that position where other's think I am involved in something I'm not, nor would I want people to think that of DH.

I need to add this, its not about trust. Just because you trust someone doesn't mean they won't betray you. And yes they can betray you with the man/woman at the grocery store. But office affairs are much more common and why ever put yourself in that position.

 

[nuke]

I can say with 100% certainty that I would have no problem with my husband carpooling and I would be pretty upset if he had a problem with me doing the same.
I don't see the issue with eating lunch with a co-worker who happens to be the opposite sex either.

 

[Christine]

And I LOVE all the people that sit back and say that they whole heartedly trust their spouse and they KNOW that their spouse would not cheat on them. No one should ever say that. Because in the end not a single one of us can really ever know for sure what any other person would do. Alot of people cannot even know what they themselves are going to do. I'm sure that alot of people that have had an affair will tell you that they never thought they would or could ever do that. My DH would tell you that. I trusted him completely. I was blindsided by his affair. But so was he in a sense.

I am well aware that ANYONE can cheat and many do. Even knowing that, I would never forbid this. You have to go out and live your life and do what needs to be done. You cannot "hide" people or sequester them away from "potential" paramours. It's just not a healthy way to live. You know that old saying "If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back it was never truly yours...". Well, that's how I feel about any kind of relationship--if you can't let that person go about with "normal" behaviors without worrying about cheating, that somewhere there is an issue.

Cheating is always a possibility for a human being, but you can't lock people in the basement.

Where I live, carpooling is a very real and necessary fact of life. If my husband and I could not carpool, we'd be looking at much lengthier commutes and higher fuel expenses. It would be silly to give that up for an insecurity. Better to work on the insecurity.

 

[kt_mom]

I would have no problem with him giving someone an occasional ride to work. But I think that everyday for 3 hours a day is setting yourself up for disaster. We live a normal life, and always have. He has nights out with his friends and I have nights out with my friends. He works a job where occasionally he does have to spend a few hours in a car with a female coworker going to get paperwork done or something. He can't help that, its his job. But 3 hours a day everyday is too much. He also takes his employees out to lunch a few times a month. He just always takes two at a time so he's not alone with a female coworker. That's his choice, not anything I even asked him to do.

I'm a bit old fashioned as well and I think its inappropriate behavior for a married person. I know that not everyone feels that way and that's fine. But it would also be a factor in a decision like that for us. Actually there would be no decision. DH would not consider it and neither would I.

 

[nuke]

I'm a bit old fashioned as well and I think its inappropriate behavior for a married person. I know that not everyone feels that way and that's fine. But it would also be a factor in a decision like that for us. Actually there would be no decision. DH would not consider it and neither would I.

How is riding in a car with someone inappropriate? Maybe if it was naked carpooling but otherwise I just don't see the problem.

 

[Christine]

How is riding in a car with someone inappropriate? Maybe if it was naked carpooling but otherwise I just don't see the problem.

I'm guessing that the idle time in the car (90 minutes each way) provides time for the carpoolers to build a friendly camraderie. The become close from the 3 hours of talking.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

GOOD point! My male friends really have provided me with a lot of insight into how the mysterious male mind works! I think my marriage is stronger due to my male friends.



It is still your DH that has the final say in an affair - the yes or no part - so it is him that needs to be trusted 100%. He will meet woman who throw themselves at him - all men do - but he has to be strong enough to say no. Saying you dont trust the other woman takes resposibility and freedom of choice away from DH and that's not fair to you or him.

Yes, it's up to my husband to keep his pants zipped regardless. But why would you throw your husband to the dogs if it can be helped? Are you 100% sure that if a beautiful naked woman was offereing herself to your man, that your man would easily walk away? That he wouldn't be tempted by the fruit of another? I'm 99.9999999% my husband would walk away. But after eating chocolate ice-cream for so many years, he might be tempted by some hot fudge.

I would never take my husband and our relationship for granted. If I told myself that there is no way, no how, that he would ever stray under any circumstances, to me that's being foolish.

My husband has many female friends that he still keeps in touch with from previous jobs. I have no problem with that. My husband knows that if he ever did anything outside of the marriage he would lose me. Period.

He loves that there is still a little bit of jealously after so many years (33) of marriage. He feels the same way towards me. It keeps things interesting.

The only thing that you can be 100% certain of is death and taxes.

 

[nuke]

I'm guessing that the idle time in the car (90 minutes each way) provides time for the carpoolers to build a friendly camraderie. The become close from the 3 hours of talking.

Yes but what about the 8 hours of work that they spend together?

 

[kt_mom]

How is riding in a car with someone inappropriate? Maybe if it was naked carpooling but otherwise I just don't see the problem.

I think it is too much private time for a married woman/man to spend with someone of the opposite sex.

It also leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation. Like I said sometimes perception is reality to a majority of people. I don't want to be in a position that would cause pain to my DH, even if it is just because someone "thinks' there is something going on. Why set yourself up for that?

I know the classic argument to that would be quit worrying about what other people think. But we all know in the end that life is not tha simple. In some cases it does matter what others think. And in many companies the idea of an affair between a manager and a subordinate would be frowned upon or worse. Once people have that perception of you its very difficult to change it. Its much harder to prove that you are not doing anything than it is to prove that you are.

 

[kt_mom]

Yes but what about the 8 hours of work that they spend together?

More often than not this is not spent isolated alone in a car for hours. Other people in and around and it would not be as intimate of a situation. Where you have eachother's undivided attention. And to think that conversations would not eventually cross the line is absurd. There just isn't enough chit chat in the world. The details of your marriage/home life just don't need to be shared with someone of the opposite sex. Its setting yourself up for disaster. Why put yourself in that position. Is saving money really worth the risk of your marriage? Is there no one else near you that could carpool with you as well?

 

[nuke]

More often than not this is not spent isolated alone in a car for hours. Other people in and around and it would not be as intimate of a situation. Where you have eachother's undivided attention. And to think that conversations would not eventually cross the line is absurd. There just isn't enough chit chat in the world. The details of your marriage/home life just don't need to be shared with someone of the opposite sex. Its setting yourself up for disaster. Why put yourself in that position. Is saving money really worth the risk of your marriage? Is there no one else near you that could carpool with you as well?

I guess I just choose not to live in fear of what what might possibly happen if the situation and stars align just right. I see no reason to be a basket case over what ifs and I really don't care what anyone else thinks. People can perceive anything they want out of any situation.

 

[kt_mom]

I guess I just choose not to live in fear of what what might possibly happen if the situation and stars align just right. I see no reason to be a basket case over what ifs and I really don't care what anyone else thinks. People can perceive anything they want out of any situation.

I don't live in fear. I just chose not to put myself in situations that I know can and often do turn out a certain way. I don't think this is a case of if the situation and the stars align just right. You are aligning them yourself by getting into the situation.

People can perceive anything they want out of any situation, that's true. But why set the stage for them. And you may not care what anyone else thinks. But in some instances, I don't know about this one, but a percieved affair could cost one or both of them their job. Many companies have policies about this. So in a case like this it does sometimes matter what people think.

 

[Va-bear]

I am well aware that ANYONE can cheat and many do. Even knowing that, I would never forbid this. You have to go out and live your life and do what needs to be done. You cannot "hide" people or sequester them away from "potential" paramours. It's just not a healthy way to live. You know that old saying "If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back it was never truly yours...". Well, that's how I feel about any kind of relationship--if you can't let that person go about with "normal" behaviors without worrying about cheating, that somewhere there is an issue.

Cheating is always a possibility for a human being, but you can't lock people in the basement.

Where I live, carpooling is a very real and necessary fact of life. If my husband and I could not carpool, we'd be looking at much lengthier commutes and higher fuel expenses. It would be silly to give that up for an insecurity. Better to work on the insecurity.

Bravo!!! And well said. My husband MIGHT cheat on me tomorrow, I know that is a real possibility, but until he proves himself untrustworthy, he will have it. And if he has my trust, then he can lead a normal life, that includes carpooling with and eating with anyone he wants.

 

[Va-bear]

Yes, it's up to my husband to keep his pants zipped regardless. But why would you throw your husband to the dogs if it can be helped? Are you 100% sure that if a beautiful naked woman was offereing herself to your man, that your man would easily walk away? That he wouldn't be tempted by the fruit of another? I'm 99.9999999% my husband would walk away. But after eating chocolate ice-cream for so many years, he might be tempted by some hot fudge.

I would never take my husband and our relationship for granted. If I told myself that there is no way, no how, that he would ever stray under any circumstances, to me that's being foolish.

I too dont think its impossible that might husband might stray - I never said otherwise. I DO believe that he has EARNED my complete trust, until he proves when wrong. At which point, like you said, he'd be gone. I just wont live with the "worry" that in a certain situtation he might cheat....I know it could happen, just refuse to change normal life for it. I too get jealous - but use my self-control to keep it under control - just as he needs to use his to keep himself under control.

 

[java]

I bet it would depend on what your boss looked like.
Patrick Dempsey- probably not a good idea to carpool
Ed Asner- No problem

Now I am not saying 2 good looking people can't carpool innocently together. I am just saying it is harder for the spouse to handle that one I think. I was the only woman at my level at my last job. So I spent a lot of time with "the guys" My friends were men. One in particular always cracked me up. And we became good friends. All was good until I met his wife. Then she decide she didn't want us talking. (I was married but I guess she didn't like how friendly we were? There was nothing going on and no chance of anything either- but as respect for her we stopped the after work chatting.)