Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[cruisnfamily]

But, speaking as one of the 75% of "no" people we are allowing our experiences to guide us. We haven't had your experiences. Most of us probably went off to college. I did. I know tons of kids going off to college every year. That's a lot of collective experiences that have been different than yours. The fact that someone on the internet thinks that I'm avoiding the facts he's presenting aren't enough to change my opinion.

I guess you'll just have to stay in the dark as to why we all aren't switching our votes due to your posts because I've tried as hard as I'm willing to explain it!

Just had to triple thumbs up this because I cannot believe that the poster you are responding to continues to believe that all of us in the "no" category are refusing to acknowledge the failings in our logic. It's getting very old. This thread has nothing to do with College dorms or college dorm preparation and I don't know how it keeps coming back to that.

You know, this thread has me chuckling. I am in the no way on earth category. For those who say it is fine, it prepares them for college etc. I think that is absolutely untrue and even silly. Hence the chuckling. Do you really think having romantic weekends away with your SO in high school is teaching your child how to cope in college? Yes- they are romantic weekends for your kids. They may want to spend time at the beach or wherever but in the end they are viewing it as a romantic weekend. I am not even talking sex because that can happen anywhere. Intimacy, familiarity- that kind of stuff. Weekends away with a SO do not prepare kids for anything imo. They merely put children- yes they are in high school so they are children no matter how old they are- in an adult situation that is not appropriate for them. It places way too much emphasis on their relationship as well. Maybe it is me but I have no desire to push my child into marriage thoughts while in high school. Yeah, they may think about it anyway but I am not going to book the catering hall so to speak. I want them to live life for a bit and focus on themselves.

Now for all those who talk about "sheltered" kids I will talk about the opposite. Every single girl I know who had parents who allowed the sleepovers and vacations did not go to college. Some ended up with babies- which isn't terrible but they can barely support themselves. Some ended up with other problems but none have furthered themselves at all to make a better life. They are stuck in high school so to speak. They were not ready for adult things like that. It was all fun and games to them. These were smart kids. None of them ended up married either.

So for me- my kids have plenty of time in their adult life to do adult things. There is no need to rush anything. They will have age appropriate freedoms. Vacationing with your SO while in high school is not age appropriate imo.

This all the way. Sex or no sex, inappropriate and too much emphasis on the "importance" of a teen relationship. I prefer we NOT dwell on their relationships while in high school.

A long term relationship is much different at 16-17 than it is at say 26-27.

I agree very much!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

You know, this thread has me chuckling. I am in the no way on earth category. For those who say it is fine, it prepares them for college etc. I think that is absolutely untrue and even silly. Hence the chuckling. Do you really think having romantic weekends away with your SO in high school is teaching your child how to cope in college? Yes- they are romantic weekends for your kids. They may want to spend time at the beach or wherever but in the end they are viewing it as a romantic weekend. I am not even talking sex because that can happen anywhere. Intimacy, familiarity- that kind of stuff. Weekends away with a SO do not prepare kids for anything imo. They merely put children- yes they are in high school so they are children no matter how old they are- in an adult situation that is not appropriate for them. It places way too much emphasis on their relationship as well. Maybe it is me but I have no desire to push my child into marriage thoughts while in high school. Yeah, they may think about it anyway but I am not going to book the catering hall so to speak. I want them to live life for a bit and focus on themselves.

Now for all those who talk about "sheltered" kids I will talk about the opposite. Every single girl I know who had parents who allowed the sleepovers and vacations did not go to college. Some ended up with babies- which isn't terrible but they can barely support themselves. Some ended up with other problems but none have furthered themselves at all to make a better life. They are stuck in high school so to speak. They were not ready for adult things like that. It was all fun and games to them. These were smart kids. None of them ended up married either.

So for me- my kids have plenty of time in their adult life to do adult things. There is no need to rush anything. They will have age appropriate freedoms. Vacationing with your SO while in high school is not age appropriate imo.

I have to chuckle at this thread also. But for exactly the opposite reasons you do.

I am in the Yes, depending on the child, category.

However, isn't this country grand that we are free to raise our children our way, with our own morals and beliefs?

As much as I don't understand how a weekend away automatically equals relationship, romantic weekend or sex, I am pretty sure my fellow posters are just as baffled on how I can believe that a weekend at the beach can be just that - a weekend at the beach with a friend who happens to be the opposite sex.

As much as I believe in all my heart that kids need to be treated as adult at 17, I acknowledge that there are parenting styles that are just as valid in believing that adulthood comes too quickly and there is no need to push. Even if I don't agree or understand the style or the parenting style makes me chuckle, it does not necessarily make it wrong. As long as the parenting is being done with the best intentions of the child and no abuse, neglect or sheer stupidity is involved (that everybody would agree with), how can it be wrong?

If everybody's kids were parented the same way, we would have an army of little adult robots who thought the same, acted the same, and we absolutely would not have the DIS Community Board and certainly not 22 pages arguing whether it is ok or not to send your almost 18 year old kid or adult away, because everybody would agree with everybody. How boring would that be?

As my kids would say:

Peace Out (or was that the catch phrase last quarter?)

 

[ckay87]

I have a son this age. It's funny, I always think I am one of the more permissive parents here, but I'd say no to this. Sex has nothing to do with it (for me). Wouldn't matter if it was a girlfriend or buddies or whatever. Without an adult on the trip it would be PARTY time. Been there.

I just feel like right now it's my job to do my best to see to it that he's safe. High school unsupervised vacations don't feel safe to me. Next year this time, I'd say yes because I feel like I'd have to. At that point, yea, it will be time to let go and trust. But that is next year.

We delve out our trust a little at a time. Driving to school leads to driving longer distances leads to road trips. Vacations with family lead to vacations with family and girlfriend lead to vacations with girlfriend. At this time, we're not all the way there on any of this.

 

[MELSMICE]

There are a few posters that mentioned if a child is over 18 (now a legal adult) they don't have to ask permission to go somewhere with a BF or GF. They don't, but it's nice & courteous if they do.

I was just out to dinner with a friend & no one was home at my house. One of my 18 year old DD's called me to ask when I would be coming home because when she got home from work no one was home. She had realized no one would be here & had invited her BF over. She wanted to make sure it was still OK or if she should tell him to wait until I was home.

Honestly, I was shocked that she would call, but I have to say that it impressed me that she thought enough of our rules to call & ask if was OK to have him over. I told her I would be home within the hour & it was OK.

Although I found it a little odd that at 18 years old she still felt the need to ask, I won't make any comments to her so she feels she doesn't have to ask. That was followed by a text from her twin asking if she could go to a concert tomorrow evening. I'm not going to remind them they are 18 & "legally" they don't have to ask permission.

 

[disykat]

I'm not going to remind them they are 18 & "legally" they don't have to ask permission.

My oldest turns 18 well before graduation. I've been telling him for years that freedom from mom and dad's house rules doesn't start just because you turn 18 - it's earned by graduating from high school and leaving the nest!

 

[Acklander]

Now for all those who talk about "sheltered" kids I will talk about the opposite. Every single girl I know who had parents who allowed the sleepovers and vacations did not go to college. Some ended up with babies- which isn't terrible but they can barely support themselves. Some ended up with other problems but none have furthered themselves at all to make a better life. They are stuck in high school so to speak. They were not ready for adult things like that. It was all fun and games to them. These were smart kids. None of them ended up married either.
.

Maybe it's because I was a teen during different times (I graduated H.S. in 78) but I grew up with quite a bit of freedom. On weekends friends (mixed group) would hitchhike into the big city to go to concerts and the summer I was 17 I went to NYC with my then boyfriend to work for the summer and save money for college. We lived together with a group of other people, not so much to "play house" but because it was economical. This was before computers/cell phones etc... so I called home once a week to let everyone know I was fine. I worked 2 jobs, but yeah - there was still time for fun and games -that's what being a teenager is all about. I managed to graduate from college (which I paid for 100% myself) and because of my experiences as a teen I've always been very independent.
No, I didn't end up married to the person I spent the summer in NYC with, but I have great memories of a great summer where I learned a lot and grew a lot.

Maybe I have a different perspective on this because I had a great experience with trial runs of independence before I hit 18. Or maybe the reason I have a different perspective is because I have a different attitude about sex. I see so many on here getting hung up in the sex part of the couple going away for the weekend. That, to me, is the least of my concerns. I'm more concerned with can the teen afford it, do they have a back up plan in case something goes wrong, are they usually responsible and so on. To me, a 17 (almost 18) year old who is in a long term relationship having a sexual relationship is not the end of the world. It wouldn't surprise me, and it wouldn't concern me. I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

 

[golfgal]

My oldest turns 18 well before graduation. I've been telling him for years that freedom from mom and dad's house rules doesn't start just because you turn 18 - it's earned by graduating from high school and leaving the nest!

Same here. Being 18 for our son means he no longer has the city imposed midnight curfew but that is about all that has changed. He hasn't had to "ask" us to go places for a long time but he certainly has to "tell" us where he is going. If it doesn't work for us for him to be gone then he can't go. Today he has to work, then is going shopping with a friend (former girlfriend actually which is quite funny because he HATES shopping) then they have a party at work (he works at an amusement park) that will get over around 1:00AM. He asked it we were ok with him having the car all day and if that didn't work for us he would make other plans. The same courtesy will be expected when he is home on breaks from college too.

 

[MELSMICE]

Same here. Being 18 for our son means he no longer has the city imposed midnight curfew but that is about all that has changed. He hasn't had to "ask" us to go places for a long time but he certainly has to "tell" us where he is going. If it doesn't work for us for him to be gone then he can't go. Today he has to work, then is going shopping with a friend (former girlfriend actually which is quite funny because he HATES shopping) then they have a party at work (he works at an amusement park) that will get over around 1:00AM. He asked it we were ok with him having the car all day and if that didn't work for us he would make other plans. The same courtesy will be expected when he is home on breaks from college too.

Completely agree with this. My DD's don't usually "ask" to do things, unless it's something big that they know we probably wouldn't be crazy about anyway.

There friends took them "clubbing" to celebrate their birthday last week & they didn't actually ask to go - they told us that's what they were doing. They did ask what we thought a reasonable time was for them to be home though.

Every family is different, has different rules & expectations. Ours work for us.

 

[MrsPete]

Right now we say "no" to certain things because they aren't age-appropriate. Our girls aren't ready for those things.

For example, our oldest -- when she'd had her driver's license for about two weeks -- wanted to drive to a nearby big city to an outdoor concert. We know that this annual event will include lots of booze and plenty of people will be drinking/driving. We also weren't crazy about her and one girlfriend walking around in this sometimes-dangerous downtown area alone. Lacking experience, she doesn't know to worry about the unfamiliar one-way streets, the difficulty in finding parking, etc. I'm not saying that she can NEVER go to outdoor concerts, but this was an experience she wasn't ready to have.

I see the weekend-away-with-boyfriend in the same light. It's an experience that a high schooler isn't ready to have, and while there's no danger in saying, "No, this is not for you yet", there's great danger in allowing her to do something she's not ready for.

Although sex is a good portion of the danger in the weekend-away scenerio, there's more. I don't want my high schooler to see herself as "cemented" to that one boy, and a weekend away will put her into that category emotionally. It's putting my stamp of approval onto that boy and a sexual relationship. I want her to continue to see herself as a teen, someone who's still protected by mom and dad. She has years and years ahead in which to be an adult.

How many people do you know who ended up with their high school sweetheart? I know 2-3 couples total. That's it. And if your child IS the one who's destined to stay with that high school flame, missing a weekend apart won't prevent that.

 

[bicker]

... while there's no danger in saying, "No, this is not for you yet", there's great danger in allowing her ...

Actually, there is danger either way. You feel, however, that the risks of "yes" are higher than the risk of "no", or that applicable of your personal principles otherwise legitimizes substantially ignoring the risks of "no".

 

[Pigeon]

How many people do you know who ended up with their high school sweetheart? I know 2-3 couples total. That's it. And if your child IS the one who's destined to stay with that high school flame, missing a weekend apart won't prevent that.

Oddly enough, I know many, and they are all happily married for decades to the people they met in high school. I met dh when I was 17, and we've been married almost 30 years. My best friend knew her husband from junior high, and they are both in their 50s.

Now, that's not saying I'd go out of my way to encourage it, because I know it's not the norm, but it happens maybe more often than you'd think.

 

[Acklander]

How many people do you know who ended up with their high school sweetheart? I know 2-3 couples total. That's it. And if your child IS the one who's destined to stay with that high school flame, missing a weekend apart won't prevent that.

I think there was one couple in my class that ended up with their high school sweetheart (and still together today) and I have one cousin (out of about 60 cousins) that is with their high school sweetheart. However, I'm surprised by how many disers, over the years, mention that they're with their high school sweetheart. On the boards here it seems to be a much higher percentage than what I've found in real life

 

[MELSMICE]

Actually, there is danger either way. You feel, however, that the risks of "yes" are higher than the risk of "no", or that applicable of your personal principles otherwise legitimizes substantially ignoring the risks of "no".

What is the danger of saying "no"?

I think there was one couple in my class that ended up with their high school sweetheart (and still together today) and I have one cousin (out of about 60 cousins) that is with their high school sweetheart. However, I'm surprised by how many disers, over the years, mention that they're with their high school sweetheart. On the boards here it seems to be a much higher percentage than what I've found in real life

My parents were high school sweethearts & still married 48 years later. They met when they were both 13. However, my sister divorced her high school sweetheart after 12 years of marriage.

My DD dated her high school sweetheart for more than 5 years & finally broke up. We would have never promoted a weekend away & I'm sure they knew that, as they never asked.

Mrs Pete............I didn't quote your entire post but I agree with everything you said. It sounds like we have similar ideas when it comes to raising our children.

 

[bicker]

What is the danger of saying "no"?

This has already been discussed earlier in the thread.

 

[MELSMICE]

This has already been discussed earlier in the thread.

I probably missed it. I was away for the entire weekend & didn't read all of the posts that were posted over that time.

 

[2luvmickey]

Wow, is this a heated topic!

With DS19 and DS21 at college, I hope I planted "roots" to make good choices and "wings" to try independence. However, I wouldn't let them go away for a weekend with a girl when they were in high school. I trust them, just not the rest of the world!

And yes, I agree there is a double standard. With six older brothers, my mother was a bit more cautious with me, even when I was 21! I believe in granting permission on special events based on the young person's maturity level. Now, my DS 15 is very mature, but I still tell him "no" plenty of times!

My mom once said never criticize another person until you have experienced what they have. So, for all of you with the 4 and 5 year olds, just wait until your "baby" is taller than you!

Here's a thought - we can send our babies off to fight a war at 18, do you think they are ready for that? It takes a special person to answer the call to duty and I thank them for their dedication to our enduring freedom.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Oddly enough, I know many, and they are all happily married for decades to the people they met in high school. I met dh when I was 17, and we've been married almost 30 years. My best friend knew her husband from junior high, and they are both in their 50s.

Now, that's not saying I'd go out of my way to encourage it, because I know it's not the norm, but it happens maybe more often than you'd think.

Do you live in a small town? I grew up in an area which was very small and rural. It has since, unfortunately, been growing by leaps and bounds, but back when I was in High School it was still very small.

Anyway, being a small town, I know a LARGE percentage of people who are married to their High School sweethearts. My best friend is married to his.

I think it is very regional, but does, in fact, happen more often than people believe.

 

[Pigeon]

Do you live in a small town? I grew up in an area which was very small and rural. It has since, unfortunately, been growing by leaps and bounds, but back when I was in High School it was still very small.

Anyway, being a small town, I know a LARGE percentage of people who are married to their High School sweethearts. My best friend is married to his.

I think it is very regional, but does, in fact, happen more often than people believe.

No, not really a small town. I was just looking at photos from small, private informal "reunion" that was held by some folks from my high school class last week, and there were three couples not counting dh and I from our high school at the reunion of maybe 70 people from our graduating class (out of 600).

But I've known high school sweethearts who've married from all over the place.

 

[powellrj]

Maybe it's because I was a teen during different times (I graduated H.S. in 78) but I grew up with quite a bit of freedom. On weekends friends (mixed group) would hitchhike into the big city to go to concerts and the summer I was 17 I went to NYC with my then boyfriend to work for the summer and save money for college. We lived together with a group of other people, not so much to "play house" but because it was economical. This was before computers/cell phones etc... so I called home once a week to let everyone know I was fine. I worked 2 jobs, but yeah - there was still time for fun and games -that's what being a teenager is all about. I managed to graduate from college (which I paid for 100% myself) and because of my experiences as a teen I've always been very independent.
No, I didn't end up married to the person I spent the summer in NYC with, but I have great memories of a great summer where I learned a lot and grew a lot.

Maybe I have a different perspective on this because I had a great experience with trial runs of independence before I hit 18. Or maybe the reason I have a different perspective is because I have a different attitude about sex. I see so many on here getting hung up in the sex part of the couple going away for the weekend. That, to me, is the least of my concerns. I'm more concerned with can the teen afford it, do they have a back up plan in case something goes wrong, are they usually responsible and so on. To me, a 17 (almost 18) year old who is in a long term relationship having a sexual relationship is not the end of the world. It wouldn't surprise me, and it wouldn't concern me. I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

I was just going to post about the age thing. I graduated in 77 and I am surprise about how permissive I seem to be. Maybe its because we did grow up in a different time, who knows.

Also about the whole high school sweetheart thing. I would say 75% of the people I know are married to their high school sweethearts. Most of the long term high school couples DH and I both went to school with are still married. I am talking long term marriages of 30 or 40 years. We are even seeing people who were high school sweethearts and married others, marrying their high school sweethearts years later. We also went to a small rural high school so I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not.

 

[Planogirl]

I just tried to search for statistics about high school sweethearts but came up empty. It would be interesting to know.

I'm still a bit uneasy about the 17 year olds going away myself and I'm fairly permissive. I just don't know if they have enough sense to handle certain situations yet. In general I mean, kids have different maturity levels of course.