Would you allow your high school aged DD/DS to do this?

[bicker]

Okay, that sounds more like I remember.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Who said going away for the weekend was all about sex? I realize that these are teenagers, but if you have supposedly instilled the right values in them, aren't they trustworthy enough to make their own decisions? Unless these kids are homeschooled and locked up within sight of their parents 24/7, the opportunity for sex has come up before now...and the girl being on b.c. is indication that is not the case (unless it's for medical reasons).

My concern would be less about the sex portion, than their experience in driving long distances on their own. I voted yes, but I'll change that to maybe for that reason.

That is what I keep asking?

The more I read this thread, the more I want to leave the kids at home and I want to go to the beach house!

Too bad management wasn't that vigilant where we just stayed.

But you're right, RAs aren't a substitute for mom and dad, but they are like a stepping stone, more like mentors than parents. When I stayed in the dorms in the 80s, I felt like our assistants were like babysitters. Later when I did my graduate work, some of my classmates were RAs and they did have the responsibility to check on students, making sure they weren't drinking in the rooms, no opposite sex guests, and things of that nature.

Well, my experience with RAs at two universities was much more like Bicker describes. They WOULD police drinking in the rooms--only if people under 21 were. Essentially they would make sure laws were not being broken. Who was sleeping where was not even on the radar though (a lot of the RAs I knew considered one of the biggest perks was that they got a single room--meaning it was easier to have a boyfriend/girlfriend without working it out with the roomate).

That depends....if I go to the beach house do I have to have sex and party or can I just go and swim and play games and have a good time?

I'm dying to see who gets the last word in this thread.

I keep thinking that--if vacations are all about sex to some posters maybe they need to travel somewhere more interesting

 

[bicker]

Well, my experience with RAs at two universities was much more like Bicker describes. They WOULD police drinking in the rooms--only if people under 21 were.

And to be fair, when I was in college, the drinking age was 18, so that wasn't a consideration.

 

[eh24fan]

When I was a freshman in college, our co-ed floor had ONE community bathroom. Guys and girls shared! I had no idea until the day we moved in, but I didn't really care and neither did any of us on the floor. Some of our parents however.....HAHAHAHA I will NEVER forget my mother's face.

Even funnier? She came to visit me a few times and when she had to pee (my mom always has to pee, she always knows where the bathroom is) it seemed like Dave, one of the guys on my floor, was always in there...in a towel, brushing his teeth. They became friendly. LMAO

 

[bicker]

When I was a freshman in college, our co-ed floor had ONE community bathroom. Guys and girls shared! I had no idea until the day we moved in, but I didn't really care and neither did any of us on the floor. Some of our parents however.....HAHAHAHA I will NEVER forget my mother's face.

You should have seen my face. Going back to my first dorm as a freshman... I was one of those majorly-sheltered kids. I was the one freaked-out, hearing a woman (the RA's girlfriend, as a matter of fact) in the next shower stall. (Then there was the second shock, realizing that the RA was in there with her.)

 

[Mickey's Minion]

You should have seen my face. Going back to my first dorm as a freshman... I was one of those majorly-sheltered kids. I was the one freaked-out, hearing a woman (the RA's girlfriend, as a matter of fact) in the next shower stall. (Then there was the second shock, realizing that the RA was in there with her.)

I found it amusing that I had to explain to my 18 year old what the proverbial towel tied to the doorknob meant.

Of course, in today's day and age, the kids are more likely to just get a text saying - "don't come back to the room for an hour." My child's roommate sent those texts quite frequently, so quickly learned where all the alternative crash and/or study places were.

 

[bicker]

Since we've gone off-track a little, I'll add in one more example . . . I mentioned that I ran the hotline. We paid $1 per hour. I know it was a long time ago, but even back then $1 per hour was pretty-much an insult. I think minimum wage was $2.50 per hour by then, and we were only allowed to pay $1 per hour because it was an honorarium for a volunteer, not a salary for an employee. Yet we had no problem filling all the shifts, especially the overnight shifts.

There was a cot in the hotline office. :-X

 

[aprilgail2]

Dorms typically have resident assistants and resident directors overseeing a good bit of what's going on with the students. It's not quite the free-for-all a vacation in a hotel would be.

And what hotel would let people under 18 stay anyway?

The resident advisor at my god daughters college was there to help freshman that were homesick and to mediate disagreements between kids--they did not care who was sleeping with who or who was drinking in the rooms etc...they are not babysitters.
When I was a kid ( 16-17ish) we would rent a room at a local hotel-- not a chain hotel but a local one---and just have parties there. People would be sleeping on the floor, in the tub...anyplace there was room!

 

[disykat]

You should have seen my face. Going back to my first dorm as a freshman... I was one of those majorly-sheltered kids. I was the one freaked-out, hearing a woman (the RA's girlfriend, as a matter of fact) in the next shower stall. (Then there was the second shock, realizing that the RA was in there with her.)

Hmm. Maybe your parents should have prepared you better. They could have had you watch while they showered together or maybe invited girlfriends to shower with you?

My point is that you can't prepare your child for everything. You do what you think is best to give them a foundations that prepares them for the world. You have very strong opinions on what YOU think is best, that doesn't make your opinion any more right than the rest of us.

 

[bicker]

Hmm. Maybe your parents should have prepared you better.

Absolutely.

They could have had you watch while they showered together ... ?

Ew, gross, uncalled-for.

My point is that you can't prepare your child for everything.

True, but we're not talking about preparing a child for everything - we're talking about a specific scenario and a specific decision. [LINK]

You have very strong opinions on what YOU think is best, that doesn't make your opinion any more right than the rest of us.

I'm not sure that I've really outlined a definitive opinion, myself, vis a vis the OP. (I said "maybe" and even equivocated within the "yes" half of my "maybe". I even outlined an iron-clad defense for saying "no" - money.)

However, I'm not really as much interested in my opinion (and neither should you be), as I am interested in how folks who have some other opinion address themselves to the failings in their approach, that some of us have highlighted, and which led to the various catastrophes I relayed early in the thread. It seems that it is actually pretty easy to say "yes" to this question; there are pretty clear-cut responses to the objections folks make to the "yes" answer, that lead us very quickly to a disagreement in values. By contrast, it seems to be a lot harder to say "no", because of the consequences of saying "no", especially those I outlined, and then generally unwillingness of those saying "no" to accept responsibility for the consequences of saying "no". No one has denied the those consequences (saying "I'm not naive to think that ..."); and no one has done anything more than rationalized away (imho) their responsibility for the possible ramifications of those consequences.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Since we've gone off-track a little, I'll add in one more example . . . I mentioned that I ran the hotline. We paid $1 per hour. I know it was a long time ago, but even back then $1 per hour was pretty-much an insult. I think minimum wage was $2.50 per hour by then, and we were only allowed to pay $1 per hour because it was an honorarium for a volunteer, not a salary for an employee. Yet we had no problem filling all the shifts, especially the overnight shifts.

There was a cot in the hotline office. :-X

It may seem a bit off track, but in reality is still very relevant to the conversation. If parents are making decisions about what their 17 year old needs to experience before going off to college based partly on a misconception that their student will have some supervision in the dorms, then this conversation about what happens in dorm rooms is very relevant.

 

[bicker]

Absolutely. I doubt we're going to really move people that much with regard to their feelings on the issue that the OP raised. However, if even a few parents have their eyes opened about what dorm life is really going to be, and how that's different from what is described in the color glossy brochures that the schools put out, then this has been one of the most valuable threads ever on the CB.

 

[MushyMushy]

It may seem a bit off track, but in reality is still very relevant to the conversation. If parents are making decisions about what their 17 year old needs to experience before going off to college based partly on a misconception that their student will have some supervision in the dorms, then this conversation about what happens in dorm rooms is very relevant.

What I know about it is fairly recent (last 5 years). One is a small conservative Christian college and the other is a large state university.

 

[bicker]

The former makes sense; but, with respect, the latter seems unlikely, and at the very least doesn't jive with the experience of others.

 

[Thumperr]

Yes I would let them go.
I was 16 and living on my own, in my own rental appartement with a good steady job so it would be a little hypocrite to deny my kids to go out for a weekend.
Face it, if they want to have sex they will do so, they don't need that weekend!

 

[disykat]

By contrast, it seems to be a lot harder to say "no", because of the consequences of saying "no", especially those I outlined, and then generally unwillingness of those saying "no" to accept responsibility for the consequences of saying "no". No one has denied the those consequences (saying "I'm not naive to think that ..."); and no one has done anything more than rationalized away (imho) their responsibility for the possible ramifications of those consequences.

What you're not getting is that those consequences you keep referring to are your opinion, not a fact. The same way anyone who assumes saying "yes" will have dire consequences would be sharing an opinion, not fact.

As I said before, your opinion isn't anymore right than the rest of ours. Nor do you have the definitive answer to how to raise your child to independence any more than the rest of us do.

We all do what we think is right based on our own beliefs and experiences.

Sorry, gross as it is I'm still scratching my head trying figure out how you think a parent should prepare their child for coed showers taking place in the stall next to them and how that relates to sending your teen off for an unsupervised weekend with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

[bicker]

What you're not getting is that those consequences you keep referring to are your opinion, not a fact.

No. The consequences I outlined are not my opinion. I related actual fact. You can have an opinion about how much of a risk they actually represent, and you can have an opinion essentially saying that you are willing to incur that risk onto your teen, but you cannot legitimately deny those consequences.

That's what your "not getting".

The same way anyone who assumes saying "yes" will have dire consequences would be sharing an opinion, not fact.

Perfect example: No one saying "yes" has denied the reality of those consequences, as you seem to be denying the reality of the consequences of "no".

As I said before, your opinion isn't anymore right than the rest of ours.

And yet-again, it isn't about my opinion.

Nor do you have the definitive answer to how to raise your child to independence any more than the rest of us do.

Which is actually almost exactly what I said. I would hope that folks would stop trying to dodge the issue I raised, and instead address it, straight-on, but I respect the decision not to.

We all do what we think is right based on our own beliefs and experiences.

And part of what I'm saying is that the "no" people are allowing (their own personal) beliefs to trump (everyone's collective) experiences. I even said that that was a legitimate decision, but it is one that people should acknowledge that that's what they're doing. What really worries me is how hard folks work to avoid admitting that.

I wish I had all the answers for you. If this was a matter of business or economics or consumer marketing, maybe I would. But it isn't related to any of those things, so the best I can do is raise questions for you.

 

[KiminChicago]

Ya know, there are thousands (tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands?) of students who go off to college every year who (I am willing to bet) have never gone away on a weekend alone with a boyfriend or girlfriend and yet they must manage to survive or I'm sure we'd hear a lot more about it than we do.

Just as letting a 17 year old "couple" go away for a weekend alone won't somehow make them any more capable of handling all of the other myriad of issues that may or may not come up when they go away to college for the first time.

Even after reading all of the responses, I still say that I would not let either my DS or my DD go away for a weekend alone at 17. I just do not believe that 17 year olds have the emotional maturity for a step like that. And it has nothing to do with sex -- it has to do with all the other things that make a couple a couple. Just as I would hope that my children would wait until they are older to become sexually active, I am hoping that they wait until they are older before they start getting serious about being part of a couple.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

What I know about it is fairly recent (last 5 years). One is a small conservative Christian college and the other is a large state university.

I believe you on the conservative Christian college but have a very hard time believing the RA's monitor sexual behavior in a large state University.

I have several kids, either college grads or in college + all their friends all over the country, and every single one of them can do as they please with regards to sex in their dorms. Since sex amongst consenting adults is legal, RA's are not responsible for monitoring that. Illegal behavior, yes. Sex, no so much.

And yes, it has been a topic of conversation several times in our household.

 

[powellrj]

When we went to orientation last year at a large state university, there was a very heated discussion about opposite sex sleep overs.

One mother basically got up and said for what she is paying in tuition the university should guarantee there will be no opposite sex sleep overs. The university told her the students were adults and they didn't monitor things like that. The mother then got REALLY heated and said as long as she was paying the bills, they weren't adults and the school should have a say in what goes on. The school basically told her too bad, thats the way it was.