Would This Bother You?

[TNMom]

I think that I would have been angered by the child's behavior too. In the past, I've chastised my son and even mentioned a later punishment if he really pushed my buttons but then I would have said "OK that's over, let's eat!" The walking out sounds too much like someone being in a snit to me and it's definitely something my mother would have pulled. Her intent would have been to make everyone miserable though and while I can't speak for the OP, I suspect that leaving is done more for that reason than any other.

This is so true. I don't blame the OP for being irritated/disgusted by her the behavior of her children (especially her daughter) and husband. But listen, OP, you are the adult here. This isn't intended to hurt your feelings or put you down. I'm speaking from personal experience. You do sound overwhelmed and maybe in need of some help with your parenting skills. Your feelings are valid, I think. You just didn't handle the situation correctly. All you did was make a bad situation worse and I promise you that's what they'll remember. It serves no purpose to make your family as unhappy as you were with the situation. I don't think you were doing that on purpose, but that's what you did. Think back on how you've dealt with childrearing problems in the past. Hopefully, this is an isolated situation, but if not, you can fix it. You haven't caused irreparable damage. Next time, excuse yourself, take a time out, and come back and deal with it acting like a loving parent with a child who needs to learn a lesson. They won't respect you, otherwise, and you'll just end up feeling out of control and sad about the way it turned out. Please, I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just want you and your family to be really happy.

 

[IceQueen777]

Wow. My mom used to be like you (thank dog she changed!). I used to do things intentionally to make her mad so that she would go away because I realized what a drag she would always be on special occasions. She never could just attend my special functions without making it all about her, and I got sick of it, so I would drive her away.

Your daughter or son may do the same thing one day if you keep ruining special occasions over minor things.

 

[septbride2002]

I did try to prevent my ds from spilling the water. Several times I told him to stop, but he kept right on. And insofar as why my dd doesn't have braces, well, I guess I'm just too involved with the cat to give a flip about dd! Actually the dentist said her teeth haven't come in yet fully for braces and we need to wait for about a year. No neglience on my part, heck, how would I even know if she needed braces if I hadn't taken her to an orthodontist? I just didn't appreciate being treated like I was ruining everyone's good time when I was making all the efforts to create the good time. And no, I didn't "dump" her at a hotel to swim. She was with her father and brother, and, like I said, I couldn't swim today, anyways. I've realize a long time ago that motherhood is a thankless job (i'm not totally clueless), but its not supposed to be a job I'm berated for attempting! Like I said, next year, just give her a cake and let it go at that. I have feelings, too! Oh, and just why is it that being concerned about a dying cat (he has cancer) makes me somehow less of a mother? Caring about the cat doesn't hurt my children--I spent all day trying to make a nice day for the kids, didn't even see the cat. I just felt depressed about the cat then get slapped in the face for trying to make a nice birthday. Well, just forget it next year!

Emphasis is mine.

WOW! I'm glad I'm not your daughter. I love animals, I truly do but at some point you have to realize that a cat is just a cat.

When you are done acting like an 8 year old yourself I suggest you apologize to your husband and kids for being so selfish. Yes you were trying to make the day wonderful for you daughter - but then you snatched it away by behaving like a selfish brat. And yes your daughter will remember that! My father use to pull that "I'm causing everyone to have a bad time, so I guess I'll leave" crap on me too. There is nothing that hurts a child more.

My advice - GROW UP!

I agree your daughter should correct her mumbling behaviour. But instead of walking away why not try to actually talk to her. You could have said, "Sorry I couldn't hear you with all the background noise, and you know I have a hearing problem. Would you mind speaking up?" Talking to your children with respect is how you earn respect back.

~Amanda

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Are you sure you are not the one who is upset and possibly angry about missing Disney? Could that be what made you snap? I just wonder because a night in a nice local hotel does not sound like something a little kid would get that excited about, but more something an adult might consider a getaway. Kids like hotel pools and arcades but that's about it. When I was a kid, we went to lots of hotels and all I recall about them was pool/arcade. But it was everything else about the trip that made me want to go, not really the pool/arcade. It was the theme parks, the museums, the gift shops etc.

It almost sounds to me like you sort of projected what you wanted onto your DD because you wanted a night at a nice hotel.

You did overreact. I'm almost sure your DS didn't spill the water intentionally. He is a little kid and little kids spill things, drop things, have accidents. It happens and we as adults might be annoyed but then we smile and move on. If you were so worried, as others have pointed out, you could have taken it away. But that does not matter now. The kids are not remembering that now. They are remembering mommy walking out on dinner and on their birthday. You have no idea how much sadness than can cause a little kid who doesn't understand the concept of adult stress.

I don't really have any more to add than what the others have said but I do think you should sit down and apologize first to your DH and then to the whole family and possibly offer an evening of fun and kid friendly stuff to make up for it. Maybe a kid friendly movie and another shot at dinner. Your DD will remember that you cared enough to try a do-over and it might help to prevent tensions later on.

I also really think you should consider some kind of therapy to help you better deal with stress. It's nothing to be ashamed of and there are people you can talk to who can help.

Good luck.

~Sheri

 

[TupperMom7]

I think I would have gone to the ladies room and sopped up the water. Probably stayed in there a good 10 - 15 minutes until I cooled off or had a good cry. Then I would have gone back to the table and told the water spiller to be more careful next time or you would accidentally spill your water on him. Then I would tell my dd that if what she said was important enough for me to hear, she would get my attention first and then speak clearly and loud enough for me to hear. Are they aware that you have a hearing loss?
I think leaving your dh there with them at the restaurant and not staying at the hotel with them was a mistake. Sorry.

 

[nwdisgal]

Wow after reading all this, and following my initial reading of the post, my thoughts were OP is stressed out, maybe overcommitted and overwhelmed to some point and needs some time to chill, relax a bit and get herself together. Walking out on a daughter's birthday was not the best response, but clearly overload brought it on. In retrospect a long breather in the restroom might have been a better option, then returned to the table with a more composed mommy. But, I agree with the poster who pointed out what's the dad doing? Yep, sometimes moms get stressed out and dads are the counterbalance and vice versa. So where is he at during all of this? I know some days I've felt like a melt down and DH steps in and says chill and he takes the kids for a swim. I feel so thankful for that, and I really empathize for single moms and dads who have to be "on" all the time without the second quarter relief squad. I think it was Oprah who talked about moms taking care of themselves and not letting their emotional and physical bank run on empty so they are in a better position to take care of and nourish the kids. Supermom doesn't exist, unless you're Lynette on Ritalin. Kids do learn from and mimic our actions, so that is why its important to try to be in your own balanced place so all this doesn't become overwhelming. If you're calm, they'll be much calmer. Someone suggested a mom/daughter follow up which I think would be a good idea. Do a mommy/daughter spa, or take her shopping or to tea - just the two of you.

As for kids mumbling (intentional or otherwise), that is an issue to be concerned about and take action on. Parents, do your kids a favor and teach them to speak audibly and to announciate their words while they are still young. When they grow up society expects them to have this mastered. I work at a university and you would be surprised how many college level kids come to us lacking this very basic and necessary skill. Then we have to teach them the importance of speaking audibly - especially when they are trying to present themselves professionally in a job interview.

 

[janette]

One of the best parenting tips I've heard is that it's not as much about what you did but what you do after you did it.

We all make mistakes as parents. I imagine there is a little girl very hurt today, birthday's are very big deals to them. Yes, you were stressed out and they misbehaved but your still the grown up. I'd suggest you have a talk with your DD tell her that you were overstressed and just couldn't stay. Tell her you were frustrated about the mumbling and that you overreacted. Apologize to her for the overreaction and walking away from her birthday. What she did was wrong but she didn't deserve the treatment she received. I hope you can calm down enough to see that

 

[vickyBaby]

well, I guess I'm just too involved with the cat to give a flip about dd!

 

[Southern4sure]

I did the same thing when I read that. I guess the kids are picking up at an early age on where mom's loyalties are. Im all for loving your animals, I know I do with my cat but my kids come first at all times.

 

[pinkdiamonds1007]

I am sure you probobly came to the boards for support..and you feel by now that you aren't getting that, I see you have made quite a few posts here, so I know that as a mom, we spend alot of time planning the little things, like vacations, birthdays, ect..that go without notice to the younger ones, and sometimes even the daddy's.
What is done, is done, you can't change that. Maybe if you talk to your daughter and explain to her that you are burnt out from other things going on in your life..and let her know that it was a mistake to walk out on her birthday..you could turn a bad memory into a lesson. That adults too make mistakes and its important to apologize and learn from them.
As for not doing anything for your daughter in future years..I really hope for your daughters sake you change your mind. She has many years left with you..and she deserves a wonderful birthday next year, and the year after that...and so on. I mean, what if you were at work, made a mistake and after the first mistake you boss fired you? What would that make you feel like? Kids are young, they are learning and they deserve nothing but compassion and love. They are only 8 once. Enjoy her!
I hope you are able to get some time out and relax. Maybe your hubby could watch the kids for a few days while you go out and relax.

I write with only the best of intentions..I really hope that you are alright now, and that you were able to talk to your dd.

Enjoy the summer.
Nicole

 

[6_Time_Momma]

Wow. Your subsequent posts in this thread have been so much more telling to me than your original. Simply put, yes, you overreacted. Just as you are overreacting with your response posts on this thread.

I know what it is like being under stress, believe me (as I am sure many, many other posters here have) and I cannot even begin to fathom completely walking out of a restaurant and leaving my family. Not even just going to the car or bathroom, but completely going home? Wow. Hopefully, you can take a nice relaxing bath and think about things and see to have a conversation with your daughter. Explain to her how stressed you felt and it was wrong of you to leave like that and that you apologize. But, then gently also explain how her disgusting look made you feel. Maybe, you can still smooth things over.

 

[Bonnie40]

Wow. Your subsequent posts in this thread have been so much more telling to me than your original. Simply put, yes, you overreacted. Just as you are overreacting with your response posts on this thread.

Have to agree! Your anger jumps out of your posts and I feel sorry for your family! I get the feeling that 'it's all about you' and that the feelings of your children come second. That's not right. If this incident is indicative of your family dynamic, you need to seek counselling...

 

[tjmw2727]

Your dd is 8 and even after reading the entire thread we have no idea what she was trying to tell you - because she mumbeld.

My kids are 8 and 10 and one of my dd's mumbles when she is upset or nervous. It has nothing to do with me, or the person she is trying to talk with and it is not disrespectful its just a "shyness" and she tries very hard to overcome it. I feel it is my job as the adult to make her feel as if she can talk to me.

So forgive me if I talk to you honestly from what I have gained from my dd's point of view"

Here goes:

Wow - what if she was going to say thank you, what if it was "I wish you were here all day even if you couldn't swim". or "Please spend more time with me and less with cake and cat", or "I would have liked less cake, party and more you".

What if it was "I Love You, Thanks for everything" - but she didn't feel safe enough to say it?????

From your post - and the way you worded it we all - including you - don't know what your dd wanted to say.

As a parent of a very caring, loving dd, who mubles sometimes because she feels shy, or unsure of herself please take the effort to get past the mumbling.

She is 8 you are an adult. She may or not have been disrespectul but you "threw a tantrum" what if your dd or ds did what you did and had a fit and walked away. Kids learn more by actions than words.

Please do make things right and give your kids a chance to make mistakes and take away the shame and blame you are placing on them and yourself.

eta - from your responses you sound angry and I think if I were 8 I would not be willing to tell you how I feel either. Not a judgement, but an opinion right or wrong.

Try re-reading this thread with an open mind - without looking at any of the posters and see what you think.

TJ

 

[Traveliz]

Wow - alot of anger here - and alot more to come from the kids in years to come with mom setting the example.

Liz

 

[Bonnie40]

You are so right Liz!

Interesting that the OP hasn't responded lately... Quite honestly, I feel sorry for those kids...

 

[Poohnatic]

I feel sorry for the kids...

OP, if you're all defensive about the events that occurred, let me ask you-is this the behavior you want your kids to mirror back at you? Children learn from our examples.

I've had pets, adored them, but my kids come first-always have, always will.

EsmeraldaX's post says it all. 6TimeMomma says even more, Southern4Sure...gosh, so many people have given good advice...please, for the sake of your family, TAKE IT!!!!!

Suzanne

 

[Mskanga]

She really doesn't speak clearly (needs braces) and I've told her many times not to act so disgusted when someone asks her to repeat what she said. Also, I have a slight hearing loss, nothing serious, but sometimes its hard to distinguish sounds in a crowded setting, like a restaurant.

If she can't speak clearly because she needs braces , do you have any idea how frustrating it is for her when people keep asking her to repeat again what she just said? She's 8 years old for God's sake!!! If she cannot speak clearly because she needs braces there's nothing she can do until then. If you have a slight hearing loss ( I do too ) you can basically remove yourself from the noisy environment and go to a quieter place , but she can't speak any clearer no matter what.
Her mumbling is because she's embarrased and frustrated when people cannot understand her so she won't speak up , and you expect an 8 year old to understand about your hearing loss? she's dealing with her own problem.

No, its not her fault I have a hearing loss, but its not mine, either.

You are right , it's not her fault that you have a hearing loss , but it's not her fault either that she has a speech problem , you could show some compassion here.

I'm sorry but I have worked with children who had speech problems and this really struck a cord. Walk in her shoes , she's only 8 !!!!
You asked if you overreacted, my answer is YES, BIG TIME!!

 

[pittypat]

I have two teenage DS and used to teach junior high and high school, so BELIEVE ME, I know about stinky attitudes! But I try to remember something my wise DM used to tell me, and I know you've all hear it, too: when kids are the hardest to love, is exactly when they are needing love the most. Yep, that's often very hard to do. But it's almost always worth the effort.

 

[DMRick]

Then ds (age 9) keeps playing with a glass of water until it "accidently" spills all over me!
****************
In a note you posted about the school cafeteria 10 months ago, your son was 5 and I thought in kindergarten..although I think you were posting about the previous school year that had just ended, so he would have been 5/6 I guess 10 months ago..do you have 3 children? Did that child behave at the table? Just curious if he was also there.

 

[LABelle]

I thought your kids were twins? Wouldn't they have the same birthday?

vhoffman
I have a story that's the opposite of what I've read here. When my twins (a boy and girl) were three years old we were in Las Vegas on christmas Eve. We went to the Bellagio for dinner. Our kids were unusually well-behaved. However, they have never had the type of public meltdowns described here. I had several people come up to us and compliment us on our children's behavior. I especially remember the lady who said "your children are as beautiful as they are well-behaved". On the way out the restaurant manager gave each child a little sutffed bear and thanked them for being so good. That really made my night.