Would This Bother You?

[HotMama]

Parenting is the hardest job there is, but also the most rewarding in my opinion.

100% TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[joelyfaithsmommy]

WOW! I read **most** of this thread, and what I can't get over is the anger OP displays in her posts...Don't take this thread as a personal attack...swallow your pride (as we all have to do sometimes) and know you could have handled the birthday dinner situation and maybe even this thread differently...soul search for what's important to you where your family (daughter) is concerned, and move on...

No children should not speak like that to parents, but just as we parents aren't perfect, neither are the children.

I feel your frustration, I really do, but sometimes you just have to let go...Children learn what they live...and they remember things we forgot the second it happened...they see life in a different way than adults do, and we as parents have to realize that, and move on...do your best with your children...if what happened in the restaurant with them is your best, I suggest finding something, someone, someway to do better because you all deserve tolerence and affection...though we are all capable of 'losing it' from time to time...we all get angry, and we all do the wrong things some times...the really good parents, and really good people don't just give up and say 'well forget it then!"..they move on and try to do better next time...children are so precious, and only small for a short time...don't forget that.

Everytime one of my children does something or says something that upsets me, I stop, take a deep breath and try to remember the feelings I had when i first held them in my arms...all that love and joy and pride...and suddenly whatever it was they did/said doesn't seem so significant afterall, because no matter what they're still my babies and i still love them that much...that might be something you can try...pushing the bad feelings out to make room for the wonderful feelings!!!

NOT TRYING TO UPSET YOU...and hope you will seriously re-read what most people here have said...lots of good advice!

hugs,
Jen

 

[goodferry]

To the OP, I am a mom of four and I know what it is like to loose it, trust me. We run our own business and I was taking on all sorts of responsibilites that just weren't mine to take on, I was overloaded, but just kept saying yes. In my mind I did exactly what you did. "She is a spoiled brat, she is acting like this because we aren't in disney", "don't they know that the cat is sick and I don't need this right now", "they get to have fun in the pool all day while I bust my butt making her birthday perfect and no one even says thanks" These are the things that would have been going through my mind.
I got help. I saw a psychologist who helped me to realize that I was trying to do too much and that being a good mom is so much more important than all those other things. Please at least consider it, it sounds like your frustration and anxiety is ruling your life and getting in the way of your being happy, and therefor your children. They don't understand what is going on, believe me.
As to your original question, I bet you already realize that you did over react, but really there is a bigger issue and that is what is causing you to. I know that for the most part you are not hearing what you wanted to, but I hope you will get well.

 

[disneyfreakjackie]

Do you want an honest and serious answer to this? Well, if you do, here's MHO. Yes, you were overreacting. All your efforts to make for a memorable birthday for your dd were accomplished. Only, instead of a good memory, it will be a sad, sour one for her.

Let me preface it by saying I am a mother of four children... four demanding, imperfect, challenging, bright, funny, sweet, loving, independent children. But I love 'em just the way they are. I totally understand how much effort you put into making the day perfect and special. But I also see how you lost sight of the importance of the day... celebrating your daughter's life... past, present and future... not, whether the cake was just right, or the steaks were tasy, or any of your efforts of the day. That's all secondary. There is a time and place for raising the bar on the expectations for your kids, and a time and place to let the bar slide a bit. For me, birthdays are a negotiable day. While outright bad behavior is never okay in my book, the "transgressions" of your children were certainly nothing I would have left in a huff over. Part of making the day a nice one is choosing your attitude too.... choosing not to let your children's imperfections get in the way of a good time. Hey none of us are perfect, why on earth do we fall victim to thinking we need to create "picture perfect" memories for imperfect people?

I suggest re-reading your post and seriously think about what you're actually upset about. Mothering, by nature, is a thankless job. Sure, in a perfect world, your daughter would've realized how hard you worked at putting together a special day for you. But sadly, now all she is going to remember is how her mother dumped her off at a hotel to swim all day on her birthday -- of all days -- while you disappeared to who knows where (b/c she doesn't know where you were), and then when she finally got to spend time with you, you didn't make the effort to hear her (in her mind she's not thinking about your hearing problem, she's probably already feeling ready to pick a fight b/c she hasn't seen you all day), and then you left her at the restaurant and moping, feeling sorry for yourself, expecting everyone to come back and apologize for ruining YOUR good time! And to top it off, she's probably going to think you think the cat is more important than her because you were more upset about the cat than you were about missing spending her birthday with her.

You are allowed to have a bad day. Every once in awhile, we all get set off by little annoyances under other circumstances wouldn't bother us so much. But look at what your rationale is here. You put forth an effort to make the day special for your dd b/c it was her bday. Hey, that's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do, whether you get thanked for it or not. Plus, it's not your daughter's fault that your cat is sick and you're depressed about it. Don't make it her burden to bear. PLUS, it's not her fault your ds spilled his water on you. Besides, if it was me, and he "kept playing with the water until it spilled" I would've been more disappointed with myself for not forseeing the potential accident and making him stop or removing the water if he wouldn't. That is a parent's job too. It's also not your dd's fault you have a hearing loss. I don't mean to make light of this b/c even though it's not been diagnosed, I consider myself half-deaf and have to ask people to repeat themselves a lot. (Guess my mom was right about what too much loud music will do to your ears!) This is my issue though, not theirs. I have a dd that mumbles (and with my "half-deafness") I have experienced this same issue of frustration. On a special day, I would handle it gingerly.... "Saying, sorry, hon, you know mom's half-deaf, can you repeat that?" If she gave me attitude, "Oh forget it," I would smile and reply, "Oh well, okay. I'd love to hear what you have to say. You know it's important to me. So, when you're ready to tell me, feel free to tap me on the arm and you'll have my full attention while you tell me because I love you." Yeah, I know sugarcoated syrup... but it's her birthday. I will not give into a fight over something like this. Let her roll her eyes, cross her arms and pout. If she really had something important to say, she'd make the effort to tell me. If not, what I don't know, won't hurt me. Ignorance is bliss in this case. (JMHO). Oh, and if she needs braces but doesn't have them yet and that's why she is mumbling, well, it's not totally her fault she doesn't have the braces yet, is it?

So anyway, the gist of my opinion is to suck it up, realize a mother gets the short end of the stick sometimes. Kids won't always recognize your efforts right away and take them into account. Heck, even adults don't always do that. Pray that she'll appreciate your efforts someday when she's a mother and sees it from "behind-the-scenes." And try to put it behind you. And maybe start looking inward, appreciate yourself... be happy knowing you love your children and go out of your way to do special things for them. Don't hinge your personal happiness on whether or not they "get how much work you've put into it for them." Be satisfied knowing it yourself. Oh, and, I hope your cat is feeling better. But I hope that when your kids are sick they perceive you have the same amount of concern and compassion for them as you do for your cat. Kids have an uncanny way of singling out things we do as parents and holding onto them for better or worse.

WOW! I read **most** of this thread, and what I can't get over is the anger OP displays in her posts...

 

[Jacky]

OK- I did look up the OP and according to her posts, she has RA, uses canes and sometimes a wheelchair. Her twins, which seem to have different ages have issues. The son has wetting and soiling issues. I can tell you that the bathroom issues can put you right over the edge. She seems to have a lot of problems.

While I do not agree with the actions of the OP, a lot of her posts seem angry and she seems to stir the pot a lot. I guess I am putting my neck on the line saying this.

Anyway, what happened to having a kids party? Poor kid. what a lousy birthday. You did over react, at the party and on line here. Its not the end of the world, but it was an overreaction.

I am sorry about your cat. I know how hard that is.

Jacky

 

[eeyore45]

OK- I did look up the OP and according to her posts, she has RA, uses canes and sometimes a wheelchair. Her twins, which seem to have different ages have issues. The son has wetting and soiling issues. I can tell you that the bathroom issues can put you right over the edge. She seems to have a lot of problems.

While I do not agree with the actions of the OP, a lot of her posts seem angry and she seems to stir the pot a lot. I guess I am putting my neck on the line saying this.

Anyway, what happened to having a kids party? Poor kid. what a lousy birthday. You did over react, at the party and on line here. Its not the end of the world, but it was an overreaction.

I am sorry about your cat. I know how hard that is.

Jacky

Thank you Jacky, dont forget (not sure what RA is) she also stated she has a hearing loss, I made a nice long post understanding that particular issue, but the bottom line that most of us are standing back and thinking, this cannot be "real" if it is,,, then.... but there are enough inconsistancies to make the average person who is "protective" or has "trust" issues to go ... hmmmm maybe not.... maybe.... maybe not........

 

[taximomfor4]

I will tell you the same thing my friend's grandmother told me and my friend once.
We were whining about the kids and how messy they are , etc etc.
The grandmother at the time was 92 years old and after she heard us whine for a few minutes she just chimed in the conversation and this is what she said to us:
Yes, it would be much better if your children would be sitting in a wheelchair in that corner looking at you , unable to speak or do anything for themselves , they wouldn't make a mess or give you a headache, that would be much better right? THAT stopped us dead in our tracks and shut us up , in fact sometimes now when we whine about the kids to vent , we always think of granny ( that's how we call her ) and eventhough she's not there we remember what she told us.
So , the big thing is cherish what they do because a lot of parents whose children are disabled or passed , wish that their children could do what yours do. Mine are no saints or perfect by any means , they can be a pain in the rear sometimes but far more times they give me satisfactions.
As I said before , if your daughter mumbles because she needs braces ( which is a very high possibility ) , she gets frustrated and embarrased having to repeat over and over what she said to make herself understood , walk a mile in her shoes.

GREAT example! Gotta love Grannies!! Mine, God rest her sould, always always ALWAYS said "Children are everything" (in a sense that we felt reminded of our duties to rearing them properly) and "If you don't like the ruckus children cause, don't have any." I often remind dh about that one, when he gets fed up with the constand din the kids make in our little house. Noise travels from one end to the other readily, so we ALWAYS hear the kids (happy, mad, sad).

LOVE LOVE LOVE Grandmas!

 

[taximomfor4]

Yes, that may be the case. But, most people in that situation don't refer to their kids as twins. They might mention once that they are "technically" twins, but they wouldn't usually say "I have a set of twins." If they do, I find that kind of odd.

Well, because my definition, twins are carried in utero together. If they are conceived at same time yet implanted for separate pregnancies, they would be siblings, not twins.

 

[Jacky]

I believe RA is rheumatoid arthritis.

Jacky

 

[vhoffman]

Well, Hello, Everyone!

I haven't been to this thread for a few days and I'm quite amazed at the responses here. Whether you agree or disagree with me is your choice. However, I really can't fathom why some of you feel compelled to go back and "research" my past posts, many over a year old, trying to find discrepencies, etc. Many of you here have accused me of making up things. Also, many choose to lift parts of quotes, there again, from old threads, and somehow try to use them to discredit or devalue things I've said here.

For example, the poster who mentioned my post about my "fat *** mother-in-law.." (can't get the quote funtion to work, just bear with me). First of all, it was my sil who is the "fat ***", and that post was on another thread about a whole other topic. It was about disabled people who don't appear to be disabled using things like wheelchairs, handicapped parking, etc. The "fat *** sil" I was referring to makes a habit of using her grandmother's handicapped parking permit, when her only disabliity is difficulty moving her fat butt around. My mil also used her deceased husband's handicapped parking permit, and both just laugh about it. I don't suppose any of you can really condone what both of them do with handicapped parking, can you? However, one phrase, lifted from a post that wasn't even related to this thread, becomes a vehicle to discredit me. I can site other examples--my posts are "always" negative (I have about 900 posts, gosh, did you really care enough about me to go back and read all of them? I'm flattered! ) Some examples that were sited were--I didn't like the Mickey soap. Well, I didn't. Actually, I noticed that it smells like Ivory, even though its not labeled as such. Many people, myself included, find Ivory soap extremely irritating. I really felt I was doing people a service giving them a heard-up about that and to bring their own soap. I had a whole other thread about the "soap" issue, and it had many responses, all of them positive. Baiscally, people were glad for my little "warning". If you don't have sensitive skin, fine, but for those who do, what's the problem discussing issues that might affect it? Better than a ruined vacation due to a skin rash!

Oh, and I'm also criticized for having negative posts about bad service. Well, maybe I'm mistaken, but I really don't think I'm the only one who's ever posted on the Disboards about bad service. Really, it seems like many of you here have missed your calling. You should be moderators for this board, so you can censor any post that doesn't fit with your opinions about whatever.

For the many of you who have speculated about my various medical conditions, well, what's that got to do with anything said on this thread? I suppose if I were in perfect health I would have more credibility? Even disabled people are part of the "mommy club" and part of the human race. We get tired, depressed, and discouraged at times, just like those here who seem to feel they are such perfect parents. I really don't suppose any of you have ever had a bad day, got fed up, lost it? Of course not. I really think many of you here who have posted poems, quotes from your grandparents, Dr. Phil, etc., probably have had a moment or two or your own.

Yes, if my subsequent posts here on this thread seem saracastic, well, that's right. How else can I be expected to respond to the accusations that I care more about the cat than my daughter, am somehow neglecting her because she doesn't have braces a year before its medically feasible, and am somehow damaging my children because I display compassion towards the cat? I've been told my children will think I value the cat more than them, some of you "hope I can at least display the same amount of compassion towards my children when they are sick as I do towards the cat", etc. Well you certainly are reading a whole lot into the "cat" issue that just isn't true! Because I choose to treat a little animal who's suffering pitifully with compassion doesn't mean that I don't love and care for my children as well. I never mentioned the cat during dd's birthday. I certainly didn't slight her due to the animal. I wonder how the rest of you would respond to being accused of valuing an animal over your child? Is it so awful that perhaps my heart is big enough for my pets as well as my children?

Its been mentioned more times than I care to count that I should have realized that dd was disappointed because she wasn't spending her birthday at Disney, as originally planned. Well, we were all disappointed, but dealt with it. Actually, the trip was cancelled about a month ago. If anything, both children are learning that life doesn't always work out the way we want and dealing with disappointments is part of living. There will be worse disappointments than missing a trip to Disney. It just so happened my husband's job constraints caused us to cancel our trip. If anything, my kids will learn that work and responsibilities come before play. Or isn't that a good lesson to learn? Then many of you choose to belittle the alternative birthday celebration I planned, stating that I planned a night at a nice hotel here in town more for myself than dd's benefit.

I don't ask that you agree or disagree with me. However, I've been attacked as an uncaring mother who puts a cat above her child, neglects to obtain needed dental care for her, berrated for cancelling a trip that wasn't feasible, belittled for the celebration I did plan as an alternative,and in general accused of just not caring about my children. Then, many of you go on a fishing expedition through posts months old to find any little thing to discredit me with. I also find it more than a little "creepy" that so many of you are trying to piece together what you preceive as inconsistencies in previous posts, as though I'm on trial here. Then you wonder why I respond with saracasm and anger? Well, think about it....how do you suggest I respond?

I really do think this thread has run its course, so I'm siging off. For those of you who are members of the "mommy perfect" club, you might wish to start your own thread to continue to validate yourselves. Or perhaps you need to do so here, where you have a vehicle to validate yourselves? You all do look pretty wonderful in comparison to the picture you've painted of me here on this thread. Makes me wonder how you really feel about your own parenting if you have to go to such great lengths to discredit someone else's. Maybe some of you need "help". Well, good bye and good luck!

 

[DMRick]

For the many of you who have speculated about my various medical conditions, well, what's that got to do with anything said on this thread?

For myself, I wondered if some of the various medical problems you have had anything to do with your behavior. I know stress isn't good for RA right off the bat. You posted that you had had it. Perhaps all of the medical problems heaped on you, might have had something to do with your short fuse.

Because I choose to treat a little animal who's suffering pitifully with compassion doesn't mean

I would strongly suggest, if this very old cat is suffering, you make arrangements to let him/her go peacefully, and not suffer any longer.

I also find it more than a little "creepy" that so many of you are trying to piece together what you preceive as inconsistencies in previous posts,

I originally went back to try and figure out everyone's ages, since I had thought your son (the cafeteria posts) was much younger than 9, and since last year he was 6 and going into first grade, (and this year he was 9 and a twin of the 8 year old)..well I have to admit, I started to look around. I thought he had attention problems and been dx'd, so I went back to see if I had that right too, since spilling things and being fidgety seems to be a part of that. There were several things that just didn't fit with posts you posted (for instance, you got so upset at yoru children's behavior, and yet it wasn't that long ago that you posted how good people thought they were at nice restaurants..so I assumed this was an isolated incident..and if so, why get so angry?). So, what you might think was creepy, I call checking up on my memory...which seems to be better than yours (although I'm glad you don't have a good memory..maybe next year's b'day party will be a good one in spite of what you have said).
No one here has ever said they belonged to the perfect mommy club (why do you keep saying that? Do you think if you repeat it enough people will start to think some people said it?), and I guess with this last post, you are letting us know you think there was nothing out of the ordinary with your behavior, and I guess there will be no seeking of help. If so, I'm sorry..for you and your family.
How different this thread would have been, if in your second post you said..wow, I hadn't seen my anger quite like that, thank you for pointing that out. I guess I am overwhelmed and need to talk with someone.

 

[momof2inPA]

How different this thread would have been, if in your second post you said..wow, I hadn't seen my anger quite like that, thank you for pointing that out. I guess I am overwhelmed and need to talk with someone.

He's right. Most people think you over-reacted. Consider how you can prevent that from happening again in the future.

 

[vhoffman]

Well, I really am through with this thread, but I just had to respond to this post:



I originally went back to try and figure out everyone's ages, since I had thought your son (the cafeteria posts) was much younger than 9, and since last year he was 6 and going into first grade, (and this year he was 9 and a twin of the 8 year old)..well I have to admit, I started to look around.

What a strange way to pass one's time, trying to track down discrepencies in others posts...if you'd bothered to read my subsequent posts here on this thread rather than tracking down posts years old, you would have realized that the age was a typo and I stated that my ds is 8, not 9! All that time and effort into tracking down a typo! Even if it wasn't, what purpose did your detective work serve? Perhaps you're the one who needs "help"? Or at least a hobby! Good luck!

 

[tallym]

Wow! This thread is very strange....
Vhoffman, I think you are possibly one of the worse people i have come across. So bad that Iam not even sure if you are real ?? You could be a bored teenager or saddo messing around.

Iam so glad you had a lovely night by yourself eating pizza, what a heartless woman you are! Your right on one thing though, Yes your kids and DH would be better of without you, you are an insult to the mothers everywhere .
Sorry to be blunt.

Why did you not mention that it was your sons birthday the next day or whatever....or where you having another night in a hotel the next day???

Come on people, This woman is a big fraud, Like someone else said lets not feed the troll.

 

[tallym]

You know what I just had to post again.
This thread as sad as it is has been really useful to me

Iam far from a perfect parent, I sometimes lose my temper and shout, I too get depressed and frustrated at times . But I love my kids more than anything in the world and those times that I have lost my temper or overreacted I have been consumed with the most terrible guilt afterwards.

Guilt is a huge part of being a mum, we all want to do our best and give our kids the best and if we ever feel we have failed in some way then guilt comes in.

What is sadly missing from the OP,s messages is Guilt in any way shape or form.
She feels totally justified in her actions and even days later has not relented even the slightest tiny bit, even though she must have broke her 8yr olds heart.

This is sick!

And this is what I find so unreal about this thread.

If V hoffman truly is a mum and this truly dai happen then I feel very sorry for that little girl and so thankful that my kids have a mum who for all my faults woyld never treat them that way.

If I ever feel guilty again I will remember this thread and relise that my god there are some truly awful parents out there and Iam not so bad after all.

 

[BethR]

This thread has more than run its course and is being closed.