Would This Bother You?

[babybeag]

now I'm the wicked witch because dd doesn't get to make what would have been her 6th trip? Oh, the abuse I've heaped on that child! ... did I mention, we're not leaving our children a trust fund so they'll be independently wealthy, so the poor things will have to work for a living? How horrible!... why does everyone crawl over me because I mentioned the cat? ...oh, yes, I know, I'm supposed to be perfect and "suck it up"...Now I'll go back to my poor, neglected children and get dd her braces one year prior to it being possible to do so medically, and do make sure I don't show any compassion towards the cat less my darlings think something in this world might deserve some of my time besides them.

You asked for opinions but WOW they werent the opinions you wanted so you got a wee but defensive. Dont ask if you dont want people to answer!

I think you are way out of line, not in what you did necessarily (though I doubt that I would have reacted the same, but hey I wasnt there and I am not you) but in your responses here.

If you are so sure of your actions and reactions, dont ask for others to validate you.

My 6 and 2 yo DDs can make me crazy sometimes but I never want to heap the burden of motherhood on them...they will find out soon enough! Sounds liek you are under a lot of stress. Maybe you do too much with all your problems that you listed. Maybe a small party at home would have been better so that something like a mumbled response and spilled water wouldnt escalate into something so HUGE and ruin the day for everyone.

Good luck with DD and DS...hope Dcat gets better soon.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Yes, I know, a night at a nice hotel here in town just doesn't replace Disney. So sorry! We just can't swing that every year. There are many children who never go to Disney, so now I'm the wicked witch because dd doesn't get to make what would have been her 6th trip? Oh, the abuse I've heaped on that child! It just so happens we cancelled the trip due to dh's work constraints, not any decision on my part. Maybe she will learn something from this--that one's work obligations come first (oh, did I mention, we're not leaving our children a trust fund so they'll be independently wealthy, so the poor things will have to work for a living? How horrible!).

Why does everyone crawl over me because I mentioned the cat? It was just something that was bothering me. I didn't even mention it to my kids. Just that I, too, have feelings, and they were stretched to the max. Maybe dd will finally learn from this experience to stop acting so disgusted when someone can't understand her mumbling. No, its not her fault I have a hearing loss, but its not mine, either. That's how she acts. So totally disgusted when I can't understand her. I have told her this, nicely, several times. She does need to learn that people can't help having disabilities, its totally inappropriate to act disgusted when someone else isn't perfect all the time. I did the best I could--guess it just wasn't good enough. Basically, the reason I walked out wasn't because of them, it was because of how I felt. I sat there fighting back tears--oh, yes, I know, I'm supposed to be perfect and "suck it up", but, you know, sometimes, even Moms reach their limits. I just didn't see how I could get through the meal feeling the way I did. I felt my continued presence would just "ruin things" further. Really, I didn't feel I deserved to sit there feeling guilty through the whole meal. Now I'll go back to my poor, neglected children and get dd her braces one year prior to it being possible to do so medically, and do make sure I don't show any compassion towards the cat less my darlings think something in this world might deserve some of my time besides them.

Yes, dd will look back at this and remember. She will remember that even moms have limits, to respect the feelings of others, and not to react with disgust to those with disabilities. Oh, and insofar as why I didn't get in the pool with the kids, like I posted, I had a skin rash. I didn't give all the details, so the rest of you assumed it was something minor. Well, actually, I have psoraisis and was having a major flare up. I have flakey, angry red patches all over my body. Not only would I have been miserable, but in the past I have been asked to leave public pools by hotel managers who mistakenly assume I have something contagious. Ever see those signs that say "...no open sores..." Well, that applies to me. I guess that's another problem of mine that dd can be disgusted with. No, she didn't choose my health problems, but neither did I!

Unbelievable.

There's so much I can say in response to this but I won't. However, I do have one question. Did you or do you plan to apologize to your family?

 

[C.Ann]

I think you need to find someone to talk this out with, as I'm thinking it's more than just this weekend. You sound a little overwhelmed to me. I've been there, and I recognize it. .

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I agree with this much 100%.. However, the mumbling, disgusted child is 8 years old.. I'm assuming the hearing problem the mom suffers from is not something new.. The child has been asked repeatedly not to mumble and make disgusted faces when she's asked to repeat herself.. But I guess it's okay for her to be rude and dispectful because it's "her birthday.." Umm - nope.. Not in my book..

I also think it's interesting that no one has mentioned the dad who was sitting there and offered no support, did nothing to correct the behavior of the children and could barely muster up a comment of "Lighten up.."

I guess I'm from the old school - where good manners and a respectful attitude towards your parents doesn't disappear just because it's a "birthday"..

 

[C.Ann]

Unbelievable.

There's so much I can say in response to this but I won't. However, I do have one question. Did you or do you plan to apologize to your family?

---------------------------

You're right - it is unbelievable - that she's expected to apologize to anyone..

Who should she start with? The birthday girl who was repeatedly mumbling and making disgusted faces when asked to repeat what she was saying?

The son who was repeatedly instructed to stop playing with his water glass and refused to do so?

Or the dad - who offered NO support whatsoever??

 

[Trinity721]

C.Ann i sort of agree with you. I do think the husband should have supported her and should apologize for that. I think that daughter should apologize to her mother for being disrespectful. If I ever did that to my mom...oh man would I be in trouble! Thankfully my mom just had to give me the evil mommy eye and I behaved right away I think the son should have apologized for not listening and spilling the water all over mom. On the other hand, Mom should have taken the water away after one warning. This is what I do with my DD. She knows it's one warning, and that's it. I do not like to repeat myself. But I also think that the OP should apologize to her family for losing her cool. We are all allowed to lose it now and then, but that doesn't excuse us from being wrong or from owing an apology.

To the OP... You did ask us for our opinions, and we did give them to you. If you wanted to explain your situation further, you could have posted with a more courteous reply instead of being so sarcastic. If you read the posts here carefully, many of us did state that we are giving our opinions based on what you have told us. And most of us here are not attacking you. We are just saying how you could have dealt with the situation better. If you think your actions were the best way to handle it, so be it. You should then not have asked us what we thought. Were you expecting us all to say you were right?

 

[epcotfan]

Vhoffman why ask for opinions if you are going to get so extremely defensive and sarcastic with other posters? I've seen you do this before. Most people here have been trying to offer helpful advice and their own experiences. You post something asking about what other people think and then get mad when you don't get the responses you want to hear.

 

[flminivanmama]

vhoffman - you asked the question but don't like the answers - that's fine... but on't get mad. next time just don't ask!


OK here's my opinion... pick your battles before you get angry or upset ask yourself if it is worth it... take a deep breath, go to the bathroom, do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation, get some perspective, and ask yourself "is this the hill I am willing to die on"? if it is then go ahead and get mad that your DD rolled her eyes, that your ds spilled his water after you asked him to stop playing with the cup, etc. If you are not then don't.

 

[DMRick]

-------------------

I agree with this much 100%.. However, the mumbling, disgusted child is 8 years old.. I'm assuming the hearing problem the mom suffers from is not something new.. The child has been asked repeatedly not to mumble and make disgusted faces when she's asked to repeat herself.. But I guess it's okay for her to be rude and dispectful because it's "her birthday.." Umm - nope.. Not in my book...

Nope, but I have no idea what went before this. I'm betting a lot, since daughter has been acting like this for a few months. This appears to not have been a happy time..and well, someone has to be the grown-up. Yep, to keep peace and harmony, sometimes the parent has to step out. This family, imo needs some intervention (I'm really curious if your husband thought the kids were really misbehaving, since it sounds like he did nothing to intervene). It sounds to me, from the original post, that the mom is not a happy camper with her daughter. This says a lot to me:

For the last few months, she's been like that. She really doesn't speak clearly (needs braces) and I've told her many times not to act so disgusted when someone asks her to repeat what she said.

If I had decided after months, that this behavior had to stop, I would not have picked her birthday to decide to enforce it. Being her birthday doesn't give her the right to make a bad face, but IMO it should have been addressed before that day, or why not skip that day to teach a lesson, since this was not unusual behavior.

This mom is very bitter. Just read her responses to us, talk about sarcastic...after asking our opinions. Apparently our opinons were not really wanted. Is this how she talks to her family too? So we made comments about your trip to Disney..I assumed you posted about that because you knew she was disappointed. I would have been. I had no idea why you didn't go, but you did mention she was suppose to be in Disney for her birthday. And C.Ann, do you not remember how disappointed you were, when you couldn't go? And this is a kid..an 8 year old kid..it's harder for them to get over being disappointed. They don't always understand once a trip has been planned that stuff happens and it may have to be cancelled. I remember how disappointed I was when my birthday party was cancelled the day JFK was shot. I didn't get it..after all, he hadn't been invited...and wasn't even a relative.

This is so 8/9/10 year old behavior. Maybe the child didn't even know she looked disgusted (I think it becomes a part of some kids faces after a while..remember mom saying.."hey! be careful, your face will freeze like that"). If I only had a dollar for each time one of my girls or grands had the "look" on their faces.

In any case, it happened, and if it's not fixed, it's not going to get better.

 

[kidzmom3]

"She has better manners at age 8 than many adults do. She would never question or challenge why a person chooses to ride in a storller, cart, wheelchair, etc. She realizes they have their reasons and its none of her business!"

Here is a quote from today, that you made about your DD. You obviously love her very much and are quite proud of her.

"She does need to learn that people can't help having disabilities, its totally inappropriate to act disgusted when someone else isn't perfect all the time. I did the best I could--guess it just wasn't good enough."

from your post about her quoted at the top, you state that she has a lot of compassion for people with disabilities.

"Basically, the reason I walked out wasn't because of them, it was because of how I felt. I sat there fighting back tears--oh, yes, I know, I'm supposed to be perfect and "suck it up", but, you know, sometimes, even Moms reach their limits. I just didn't see how I could get through the meal feeling the way I did. I felt my continued presence would just "ruin things" further. Really, I didn't feel I deserved to sit there feeling guilty through the whole meal."

yes, we are all human beings and we do reach our limits. If you didn't even mention that you were upset by the cat, did they all know you were reaching your emotional limit? It's okay to feel bad, its okay to feel guilty, its okay to cry in front of your kids. It's not okay to make a child, who does not have the cognititve abililtes to fully empathise with your emotions, feel like her mother will just walk out on her.

 

[DisneyTeasers]

Hmmm, and you wonder where your daughter gets the snotty behavior? I agree with the poster who said it best: "suck it up and move on!"

 

[C.Ann]

In any case, it happened, and if it's not fixed, it's not going to get better.

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I can agree with this much..but that's about it..

Mom hit the breaking point and Dad was of no help whatsoever.. To me, that says a lot.. Disappointments begin very early in life and it's not like the Mom made no effort to do something nice for the birthday girl..

In my estimation it's better for the Mom to have left rather than stay and have the situation further inflamed by her childrens inappropriate behavior and a Dad who chose not to be involved..

She went home for gosh sakes! It's not like she packed her bags and fled to another country.. Regardless of the reason she felt so irritated and out of control, the best place for her to be once she reached that point was at home - not in that restaurant.. (Of course on the other hand, she could have done what parents are sometimes seen to do in Disney.. Scream, curse, yell at the kid about how much money she spent to make this a "special" day for her and then smack her one..)

It sounds to me like the entire family could benefit from some counseling, but in the meantime, playing the "birthday" card is no excuse for rude and disrespectful behavior..

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one...

 

[cristbaby]

ok, you asked for opinions, so here's mine. You need to chose you battles wisely whenever raising children. I have 4 and sometimes they just seem to have thoughtless minds and push you over the edge. Athough you probably shouldn't have left and gone home, I have been in the same position countless times and the temptation to leave is overwhelming. I don't think you owe anyone an apoligy nor does anyone owe you one. I do think your husband should have been more supportive and maybe it's time you two got together to discuss your views on child rearing. Don't hold a grudge, let it go, tomorrow is another day. Sometimes I think we give to much to our children (I'm just as guilty as everyone else), there is no need for them to have everything they want and we need to learn to say no. Use this as a learning tool. I don't think anyone here meant to make you mad, they just gave their opinion. Take all this knowledge and turn it into something positive. I hope things work out for you. Remember, have that talk with your husband. Good luck!

 

[DMRick]

, but in the meantime, playing the "birthday" card is no excuse for rude and disrespectful behavior..

I'd have to reread it, but I don't think the birthday card was played. I thought Mom said this had been a problem for months (not just for her birthday). I guess since Mom asked for opinions, mine would simply be, no I don't agree that leaving was the best thing (although a long visit in the rest room might have been good). I didn't think the crime fit the punishment for a just turned 8 year old and her brother and husband. I'm sure the party was a dud after that.

I agree so much with this:

You need to chose you battles wisely whenever raising children. I have 4 and sometimes they just seem to have thoughtless minds and push you over the edge.

I just didn't think this battle was worth all the hurt feelings that prob came. I believe this poster said not too long ago that her children were very well behaved when doing fine dinning, so I assume this was out of the norm.
You ask for opinions, and you surely do get them. Maybe the OP can pick and choose which ones she likes and run with them.

 

[Hockeymommy]

Your not sugar! You won't melt! I can only answer your post by saying that if you are happy sitting at home on your daughters birthday then how sad for you! I had a mother just like you, I always felt like there was something wrong with me because nothing I did was right. Now at 34 years old I haven't spoken to her in 9 years. I know kids smart off and spill their drinks, I'm SURE you yourself did when you were younger. However, having said that, arn't we SUPPOSED to be the adults? My kids 7 & 9 are wonderful, but sometimes I just want to strangle them, that's when I sit back and smile knowing these are the best years of my life. Maybe instead of being depressed about your cat you should be more worried about your childrens feelings.

 

[Daxx]

Yes, I know, a night at a nice hotel here in town just doesn't replace Disney. So sorry!

Then why even bring up the fact that you had to cancel Disney? Obviously, it was important for you to mention it. And, it gave us insight to why your DD might have acted the way she did. Sixth trip or 66th trip to Disney doesn't matter -- what matters is that your daughter's dreams of a Disney bday were crushed. I'm sure she had her heart set on it and is taking the cancellation hard. She can't help but feel disappointed. Did you explain to her why the trip was cancelled? Or did you just say "sorry, no Disney this time"? You put the Disney cancellation in there for a reason -- and it has explained why your DD might be so upset/angry/resentful.

(oh, did I mention, we're not leaving our children a trust fund so they'll be independently wealthy, so the poor things will have to work for a living? How horrible!).

What is this all about?

No, its not her fault I have a hearing loss, but its not mine, either. That's how she acts. So totally disgusted when I can't understand her. I have told her this, nicely, several times. She does need to learn that people can't help having disabilities, its totally inappropriate to act disgusted when someone else isn't perfect all the time.

If you showed her what it was like for you, as I had suggested, maybe she could come to understand. Why not have her walk in your shoes for a weekend? Put cotton or earplugs in her ears so she has an understanding of what it's like to be you. And, if she's been doing this disgusted face act for awhile, why choose her bday to make your point? Why not the last time she did it? Obviously, her attitude/face making have been going on for awhile and you didn't lose it until now. Why on her bday? Why not the day before? The month before? Why just now if this has been going on for awhile? You stated that your DD is compassionate about people w/disabilities ... maybe your DD is trying to tell you, in her own 8 yo way, to do something about your hearing loss? Hoping that your aggravation w/her may lead you to get your hearing checked?

Oh, and insofar as why I didn't get in the pool with the kids, like I posted, I had a skin rash. I didn't give all the details, so the rest of you assumed it was something minor. Well, actually, I have psoraisis and was having a major flare up. I have flakey, angry red patches all over my body. Not only would I have been miserable, but in the past I have been asked to leave public pools by hotel managers who mistakenly assume I have something contagious. Ever see those signs that say "...no open sores..." Well, that applies to me.

I never said you had to get in the pool. I said you could have stayed poolside and taken photos and interacted w/your family w/o going into the pool. Please - we are not stupid. People w/open sores aren't allowed in the pool, but they are allowed to sit poolside. I have seen people poolside at Disney w/skin conditions! They're just hanging out in a chair, near the pool, talking w/their family and enjoying their fun. I am sure you could have put on a lightweight cover up and sat poolside. As long as you weren't in the pool, who is going to kick you out for sitting on a chair? And, you could make it obvious to the hotel manager that you weren't going into the pool. Would you really wear a bikini in the middle of a flare up? I'm sure you wouldn't want the sun to worsen your condition. If a hotel manager saw you sitting there in a cover up, he wouldn't kick you out. And, if you told him you had a skin condition and weren't going into the pool, I'm sure he'd be fine w/that.

You came here asking opinions. We gave them to you. You got what you asked for. You wanted a pity part and are surprised to find that you didn't get one. I do want to add that DM Rick gave you some good advice!

BTW - you brought up the whole cat thing and that's why it's being mentioned!

The child has been asked repeatedly not to mumble and make disgusted faces when she's asked to repeat herself.. But I guess it's okay for her to be rude and dispectful because it's "her birthday.."

To repeat the same thing over and over obviously has no effect. If repetition had an effect on OP's kids, then her DS would have stopped playing w/the water immediately and would not have dumped it. None of us are saying that it was ok for her DD to do this. However, if this has been going on for months, and simply saying "don't do that" isn't working, then why is the OP shocked that it continues? I wonder what the OP has done about this behavior other than tell her DD to stop? Obviously, saying "stop doing that" has no effect on the child b/c the behavior continues. Has she been sent to her room, had priveledges taken away, etc.? Children need to know that there are consequences for their actions ... and that the consequences can amount to more than a mere scolding. Unfortunately, the consequence of this girls actions were having her mother walk out on her bday. That's a bit severe, esp. if no action has been taken prior to this.

 

[Southern4sure]

The posts by the OP really disturb me. It seems like your competing with and against your kids for attention. If your needs are not met, you whine like a child. You are suppose to be the mature adult and in charge of the situation. Im alittle confused: if you had a suite for a night, why go home at all..shouldnt you have gone to the room and change then come back down and try to keep the "special day" going? Sometimes just saying your sorry even if your not in the wrong makes a world of difference with kids. I really feel if the day was ruined you played a large part of it. I strongly believe you owe your daughter an apology. Someone said dad didnt help or support the mom. From the angry posts of the OP maybe dad knew if he said anything, it would make matters worse. If OP has a history of walking out if she doesnt get her way dad knew that was going to happen anyway. Everyone knows kids pout over the smallest things. You have to learn to overlook these times and move on. If the OP cannot wake up and get out of this "pity me" attitude now, she will never have a relationship with her kids and they will grow up resenting mom over the smallest little thing.

I hope for the best for you and your family.

 

[chris7]

What do you want? It appears as if you just want people to agree with you and say that you were completely justified in your actions and everyone else was to blame. That does not seem to be happening in this thread. Is there even an outside possiblity that you over-reacted in this situation and the rest of your family paid the price? When I find myself pointing fingers at everyone else it is a red flag for me to get quiet and examine my own behavior in whatever has taken place. No one here has said it was OK that your daughter rolled her eyes at you. People have empathized that its a tough emotional time when a beloved pet is ill or dying. All of the moms (and dads) know that how we are feeling emotionally on any given day affects how we react to things. And that if we are having a tough time we may handle something badly that on any other day would have rolled of our back. But your responses are so hostile and blown so completely out of proportion that it makes me wonder if your just a mom who had a really bad day (which is what I initially thought), or if your just not capable of taking responsibility for your own behavior. Were in the world does a response like the following come from....

"oh, did I mention, we're not leaving our children a trust fund so they'll be independently wealthy, so the poor things will have to work for a living? How horrible!"

People on this site have responded in good faith to your post. If you don't want feedback, don't post the question.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that I would have been angered by the child's behavior too. In the past, I've chastised my son and even mentioned a later punishment if he really pushed my buttons but then I would have said "OK that's over, let's eat!" The walking out sounds too much like someone being in a snit to me and it's definitely something my mother would have pulled. Her intent would have been to make everyone miserable though and while I can't speak for the OP, I suspect that leaving is done more for that reason than any other.

 

[tiggersmom2]

The posts by the OP really disturb me. It seems like your competing with and against your kids for attention. If your needs are not met, you whine like a child. You are suppose to be the mature adult and in charge of the situation. Im alittle confused: if you had a suite for a night, why go home at all..shouldnt you have gone to the room and change then come back down and try to keep the "special day" going? Sometimes just saying your sorry even if your not in the wrong makes a world of difference with kids. I really feel if the day was ruined you played a large part of it. I strongly believe you owe your daughter an apology. Someone said dad didnt help or support the mom. From the angry posts of the OP maybe dad knew if he said anything, it would make matters worse. If OP has a history of walking out if she doesnt get her way dad knew that was going to happen anyway. Everyone knows kids pout over the smallest things. You have to learn to overlook these times and move on. If the OP cannot wake up and get out of this "pity me" attitude now, she will never have a relationship with her kids and they will grow up resenting mom over the smallest little thing.

I hope for the best for you and your family.

I totally agree with you. I just can not fathom a mother ruining her 8 year old's BD b/c she is so selfish! Ugh.

 

[Markiesgirl]

The only child at the dinner table was you. Children learn by example. That's a nice memory you made there mom.