Would This Bother You?

[vhoffman]

This really has nothing to do with Disney, but it is about families. In a way its about Disney, because we were going to be at Disney this week but had to cancel for a variety of reasons.

Well, today is dd's birthday. She is 8 years old. We decided that since we had to miss our trip, we'd splurge and take her and ds to a nice hotel here in town for the night. We got a deluxe suite. The kids spent most of the day in the pool with dh. Due to a skin problem I couldn't go swimming. I spent most of the afternoon running around buying a cake, plates, decorations, etc. and set up a nice surprise in the suite for her when she returned. First, we met at a restaurant (Outback Steakhouse, her favorite) for dinner, then planned to go back to the room for the party (dh kept the kids out of the dining room so they didn't see the party setup). Well, when I got to the restaurant I was tired, not feeling very well and more than a little depressed because my favorite cat was sick. I still wanted to be a part of dd's birthday and make a nice day of it. Well, when I sat down, dd started mumbling something. I asked her what she said. She rolled her eyes in digust and said "Oh just forget it!" Well, this isn't the first time she's done that. For the last few months, she's been like that. She really doesn't speak clearly (needs braces) and I've told her many times not to act so disgusted when someone asks her to repeat what she said. Also, I have a slight hearing loss, nothing serious, but sometimes its hard to distinguish sounds in a crowded setting, like a restaurant. However, she has such a way of acting totally disgusted when someone doesn't understand her "mumbling". Its not just me, although its harder for me with my hearing loss, however, others say she mumbles, too.

Well, it was just too much for me. As I said, I wasn't feeling well, somewhat depressed due to the sick cat, and had spent so much time and effort trying to make her day a nice one. Then she treats me like that. Then ds (age 9) keeps playing with a glass of water until it "accidently" spills all over me! Then dh tells me to "lighten up" on the kids, I'm ruining their good time. I'm ruining it? It was my time and effort that brought it about! Is it too much to ask not to have my dd smart mouth me and ds spill water all over me? Well, I really didn't want to inflict myself on my family and ruin their good time so I just left the restaurant without ordering or eating (actually, I was looking forward to a nice steak, too!). I just came home. Was I overracting? I just couldn't sit there through the meal feeling like I had ruined everyone's good time, so maybe it would be better if I left. Actually, I'm enjoying myself at home alone. Rented a movie, ordered a pizza (without pepperoni) and just relaxed. What did I do wrong? I can't hear too well, and I don't like an ice water bath with my meals? Next year dd is just going to have a cake at home, forget trying to make someone's day special and end up feeling like crap myself! Makes me not feel so bad about missing Disney if dd is going to act like this. Probably she would have been like that all through Disney. Glad I saved myself the effort!

 

[nwdisgal]

Actually, that is a generational thing to some extent. I've noticed that this mumbling thing tends to be the way with teenage kids and younger - some 20 somethings, even. I'm always telling my kids to speak up. So If you are asking your daughter to speak more clearly, you are doing her a big favor. Many will appreciate your efforts in the future. Hearing loss, I'm a bit worried about that myself with all those rock concerts from the past, I think I blasted my ears out... And my DS, same age as yours has spilled his share of water at the table - part of it is just a clumsiness stage that they go through. The other day he pulled the entire handle off a microwave. Oops. So, how do I go about replacing that?

I hope your sick kitty gets better. Don't feel too sad or depressed. Kids go through their stages, and this too shall pass. Hang in there and be attentive with your kids, give them lots of love and guidance, and it will work out. BTW, does the hotel have a spa? Just wait until DD reaches her teens and then you'll get to the stage.

 

[minmate]

Do you want an honest and serious answer to this? Well, if you do, here's MHO. Yes, you were overreacting. All your efforts to make for a memorable birthday for your dd were accomplished. Only, instead of a good memory, it will be a sad, sour one for her.

Let me preface it by saying I am a mother of four children... four demanding, imperfect, challenging, bright, funny, sweet, loving, independent children. But I love 'em just the way they are. I totally understand how much effort you put into making the day perfect and special. But I also see how you lost sight of the importance of the day... celebrating your daughter's life... past, present and future... not, whether the cake was just right, or the steaks were tasy, or any of your efforts of the day. That's all secondary. There is a time and place for raising the bar on the expectations for your kids, and a time and place to let the bar slide a bit. For me, birthdays are a negotiable day. While outright bad behavior is never okay in my book, the "transgressions" of your children were certainly nothing I would have left in a huff over. Part of making the day a nice one is choosing your attitude too.... choosing not to let your children's imperfections get in the way of a good time. Hey none of us are perfect, why on earth do we fall victim to thinking we need to create "picture perfect" memories for imperfect people?

I suggest re-reading your post and seriously think about what you're actually upset about. Mothering, by nature, is a thankless job. Sure, in a perfect world, your daughter would've realized how hard you worked at putting together a special day for you. But sadly, now all she is going to remember is how her mother dumped her off at a hotel to swim all day on her birthday -- of all days -- while you disappeared to who knows where (b/c she doesn't know where you were), and then when she finally got to spend time with you, you didn't make the effort to hear her (in her mind she's not thinking about your hearing problem, she's probably already feeling ready to pick a fight b/c she hasn't seen you all day), and then you left her at the restaurant and moping, feeling sorry for yourself, expecting everyone to come back and apologize for ruining YOUR good time! And to top it off, she's probably going to think you think the cat is more important than her because you were more upset about the cat than you were about missing spending her birthday with her.

You are allowed to have a bad day. Every once in awhile, we all get set off by little annoyances under other circumstances wouldn't bother us so much. But look at what your rationale is here. You put forth an effort to make the day special for your dd b/c it was her bday. Hey, that's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do, whether you get thanked for it or not. Plus, it's not your daughter's fault that your cat is sick and you're depressed about it. Don't make it her burden to bear. PLUS, it's not her fault your ds spilled his water on you. Besides, if it was me, and he "kept playing with the water until it spilled" I would've been more disappointed with myself for not forseeing the potential accident and making him stop or removing the water if he wouldn't. That is a parent's job too. It's also not your dd's fault you have a hearing loss. I don't mean to make light of this b/c even though it's not been diagnosed, I consider myself half-deaf and have to ask people to repeat themselves a lot. (Guess my mom was right about what too much loud music will do to your ears!) This is my issue though, not theirs. I have a dd that mumbles (and with my "half-deafness") I have experienced this same issue of frustration. On a special day, I would handle it gingerly.... "Saying, sorry, hon, you know mom's half-deaf, can you repeat that?" If she gave me attitude, "Oh forget it," I would smile and reply, "Oh well, okay. I'd love to hear what you have to say. You know it's important to me. So, when you're ready to tell me, feel free to tap me on the arm and you'll have my full attention while you tell me because I love you." Yeah, I know sugarcoated syrup... but it's her birthday. I will not give into a fight over something like this. Let her roll her eyes, cross her arms and pout. If she really had something important to say, she'd make the effort to tell me. If not, what I don't know, won't hurt me. Ignorance is bliss in this case. (JMHO). Oh, and if she needs braces but doesn't have them yet and that's why she is mumbling, well, it's not totally her fault she doesn't have the braces yet, is it?

So anyway, the gist of my opinion is to suck it up, realize a mother gets the short end of the stick sometimes. Kids won't always recognize your efforts right away and take them into account. Heck, even adults don't always do that. Pray that she'll appreciate your efforts someday when she's a mother and sees it from "behind-the-scenes." And try to put it behind you. And maybe start looking inward, appreciate yourself... be happy knowing you love your children and go out of your way to do special things for them. Don't hinge your personal happiness on whether or not they "get how much work you've put into it for them." Be satisfied knowing it yourself. Oh, and, I hope your cat is feeling better. But I hope that when your kids are sick they perceive you have the same amount of concern and compassion for them as you do for your cat. Kids have an uncanny way of singling out things we do as parents and holding onto them for better or worse.

 

[vhoffman]

I did try to prevent my ds from spilling the water. Several times I told him to stop, but he kept right on. And insofar as why my dd doesn't have braces, well, I guess I'm just too involved with the cat to give a flip about dd! Actually the dentist said her teeth haven't come in yet fully for braces and we need to wait for about a year. No neglience on my part, heck, how would I even know if she needed braces if I hadn't taken her to an orthodontist? I just didn't appreciate being treated like I was ruining everyone's good time when I was making all the efforts to create the good time. And no, I didn't "dump" her at a hotel to swim. She was with her father and brother, and, like I said, I couldn't swim today, anyways. I've realize a long time ago that motherhood is a thankless job (i'm not totally clueless), but its not supposed to be a job I'm berated for attempting! Like I said, next year, just give her a cake and let it go at that. I have feelings, too! Oh, and just why is it that being concerned about a dying cat (he has cancer) makes me somehow less of a mother? Caring about the cat doesn't hurt my children--I spent all day trying to make a nice day for the kids, didn't even see the cat. I just felt depressed about the cat then get slapped in the face for trying to make a nice birthday. Well, just forget it next year!

Oh, and just what makes you think I don't "display the same amount of concern for the kids when they are sick as I do for the cat? " You don't know what I've done for my children over the years. Just because I choose to also display compassion towards a helpless creature doesn't mean that I'm somehow slighting my children. If anything, I think I'm teaching my children compassion for living creatures. Or what do you suggest, I just throw the cat in the river so the kids won't feel he's in their way? They get taken care of, very well, thank you !

 

[minmate]

Please re-read my post. I said it is not your dd's fault she doesn't have the braces yet. In no way did I say or mean to imply it was YOUR fault, because obviously, I don't know that (or didn't know that before you posted further info). I was merely pointing out that her not having the braces is not within HER control.

As for your cat, you said he was sick. Sick is different in dying. So without knowing the full situation, I commented on what I knew. Even so, mho doesn't change. I am a big animal lover. I shouldn't have to state my case in point, but I will. I have several pets of my own. I even have a dog who died while I was pregnant with my first child, but we have still pics up of that dog that my children have seen. I even have a scrapbook dedicated to my animals, past and present. My children know stories about my dog, Nykki. They feel such a bond with Nykki, they have even claimed they "miss" the dog even when they never even "met" the dog as she died before any of them were even in this world. I have saved letters they wrote to her telling her they miss her. And when she died, I was devastated and cried my heart out. I understand you care about your cat. I don't belittle that. Nor did I come out and say any such thing. Never did I say it was right or fair for a child to feel the way I described. I'm pointing out that it is highly possible that it is how she could end up viewing it. Then again, she may not. I don't know your dd personally.

There is nothing that makes ME think you don't display the same kind of compassion for your kids. In fact, I assume that you display more. The fact that you repeatedly pointed out that you were depressed about your cat is what flagged me to this. When people are depressed, regardless of the reason or how valid a reason it is, it can interfere with other aspects of your life. That's a fact. One that hopefully, others around you will be respectful and attentive to. But again, we're talking about an 8yo, not an adult. More specifically, I'm talking about an 8yo in general, as I can't talk specifically about your 8yo... only general speculations. You're the only one that can take that and process it with your child specifically in mind.

And as with all communication, no matter how clear we think our message is, it is not always just what the "sender" (you, the mom)believes the message she is sending out is, it is what the "receiver" (your child) perceives/believes the message to be. And, again, I don't know your dd, so she may not perceive things in this manner. I provided you with a viewpoint that could be typically taken by an 8yo.... and still other kids may know in their heart that's not true, but are in need of a higher than average level of attention and will choose to feel sorry for themselves and act like this is how they feel when in their hearts they don't....again, maybe not your child. So, then, big deal. I'm off-base. But I don't know that. I don't need to know that. But you do. And if anything, in my post, I was hoping to have you take pause and consider what, if any underlying issues there may be. Not that they excuse the behavior. But if there were an underlying issue, that can be addressed if need be.

If you can put aside your apparent anger at my initial response and just open your mind to the thought that even though you couldn't swim today, and whether or not your dd knew that, she may still have wanted you there, but with her burgeoning independence she had this inner struggle all day... still your baby, wanting you there with her and refusing to be empathetic to the reality of the situation, but the "grown-up" part of her understood this... but she didn't want to. Quite an inner struggle that by day's end, would be easy for her to lash out with an, "Oh just forget it, mom!"

Is it possible that she's mad at you because she wants more attention from you on this particular day... or because while you tried to make it live up to your idea of a great day, it wasn't living up to "her" idea of a great day? This does NOT diminish your efforts. It is not a generalization about whether or not you give her enough attention... it's about how she "Might" have been feeling on this given day, considering it was her birthday.

It's also about knowing that today is not the day to give into the frustration of motherhood and doing everything you can to keep that from happening. Again, MHO. And as quickly as I state that, you could turn around and claim me to be a push-over. Fine. It's my opinion. In my eyes, part of what makes a bday a great day for my kids, is being happy together... not laying on a guilt trip by walking out of a restaurant leaving my dh with the two kids. That to me, would maybe satisfy me in the short run and drive home my point, but I fear a point like that will only serve as a wedge between you and your dd further on down the line. It is an act of breaking trust. She trusted you to be there on her bday and you pulled a passive-aggressive attitude, gave up and walked out. No holds, barred... that's what you did. Maybe you feel they deserved it. But if they don't feel that way, what you did could just be adding to a wall around your dd's heart, a wall where she is going to stop trusting you, relying on you or letting you in, even when she knows she needs you. You don't have to believe what I'm saying or like it. But it's what I believe.

Please, remember this is, MHO... I am trying to give you my straight-up gut reaction of what an 8yo's point-of-view may be. I was not trying to give you adult rationale, or an over-worked/under-appreciated mother's rationale. Believe me, I've been there. I "get" your frustration. I just think it's sad that it played out the way it did.

I think you took the defensive because you didn't like hearing what I had to say. Whether that's because there is a "possibility" of some sort of sense in it that you don't want to deal with, or whether it's because it doesn't support your choice of actions, I don't know. Only you can answer why you took everything so defensively even though I never came out and accused you of anything you responded with except that in general, I feel you over-reacted. But you asked in your post if others felt you over-reacted in this situation and my opinion is, yes. And for what it's worth, I believe as parents we all do (over-react) to situations at some point. I do it, you do it... we all do. Today, I think was one of those days for you. Tomorrow, it might be one of those days for me. I hope not, but it happens.

 

[epcotfan]

Do you want an honest and serious answer to this? Well, if you do, here's MHO. Yes, you were overreacting. All your efforts to make for a memorable birthday for your dd were accomplished. Only, instead of a good memory, it will be a sad, sour one for her.

I agree. My father has done similar things. I wasn't misbehaving, but was always left with the feeling that I was a rotten kid. Like walking out in a public place, or saying no one loved him, etc...Stuff to basically make me feel as bad as he was. He'd get depressed or annoyed over something and take it out on everyone else and never tell us what actually was bothering him. Christmas was a horrible time for me. For some reason he'd do this stuff on special occasions or holidays. I think he liked the attention and shock value he got from acting out.
I totally understand being frustrated with the kids, but walking out most likely ruined the whole event you so carefully planned.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I have to agree with minmate - it seems like you were over-reacting. I can't tell you how many times I've had glasses of water spilled on me (seven kids!). It comes off that you wanted a lot of thanks for trying to make your dd's birthday special, but that maybe you were resentful because you weren't feeling well.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I did try to prevent my ds from spilling the water. Several times I told him to stop, but he kept right on. And insofar as why my dd doesn't have braces, well, I guess I'm just too involved with the cat to give a flip about dd! Actually the dentist said her teeth haven't come in yet fully for braces and we need to wait for about a year. No neglience on my part, heck, how would I even know if she needed braces if I hadn't taken her to an orthodontist? I just didn't appreciate being treated like I was ruining everyone's good time when I was making all the efforts to create the good time. And no, I didn't "dump" her at a hotel to swim. She was with her father and brother, and, like I said, I couldn't swim today, anyways. I've realize a long time ago that motherhood is a thankless job (i'm not totally clueless), but its not supposed to be a job I'm berated for attempting! Like I said, next year, just give her a cake and let it go at that. I have feelings, too! Oh, and just why is it that being concerned about a dying cat (he has cancer) makes me somehow less of a mother? Caring about the cat doesn't hurt my children--I spent all day trying to make a nice day for the kids, didn't even see the cat. I just felt depressed about the cat then get slapped in the face for trying to make a nice birthday. Well, just forget it next year!

Oh, and just what makes you think I don't "display the same amount of concern for the kids when they are sick as I do for the cat? " You don't know what I've done for my children over the years. Just because I choose to also display compassion towards a helpless creature doesn't mean that I'm somehow slighting my children. If anything, I think I'm teaching my children compassion for living creatures. Or what do you suggest, I just throw the cat in the river so the kids won't feel he's in their way? They get taken care of, very well, thank you !

Why all the anger? You started this thread and wanted opinions.

I think your actions were way out of line. Instead of your daughter having great memories of her birthday, she'll have the memory of her mother getting angry and walking out. Did your husband take pictures of her cutting the cake? If so, whenever anyone looks at those pictures, they'll be reminded of the drama of you getting angry and leaving.

Now you're not planning to do anything special for your daughter's birthday next year. Are you really going to hold on to that anger for a whole year? If you do, the poor girl will have two sad birthday memories.


I think you need to let is go. When your family gets home, just tell them you're sorry for walking out and give everyone a big hug.

 

[txgirl]

That attitude thing Been there....lots

My oldest is only ten and when it started (around 7) we really battled and I came away hurt because I took it personally. It is so hard for them to be rational and control their emotions and frustrations (I can relate ) She knows it pushes your buttons when she mumbles. Don't let her! Try this: "I'm sorry I can't understand you. What you have to say is very important to me, so when you can speak clearly and with respect I would be so glad to listen "

You were stressed out and disappointed. I do think Minmates response was so true and spoken with love from another mother. I can relate because I am often ruled by my expectations which can lead to an emotional eruption . DH doesn't always understand the significance of what we are trying to do when we "plan" for our families to have wonderful experiences. Not only are we disappointed if they don't go as planned, we wear outself out in the process.

Take a deep breath. You are a momma, but still just a human momma capable of making mistakes! You are loved by your family even if they don't always show it in the way you need it We have to draw from an extremely selfless place in order to be mothers and the well can run dry....DAILY! Replenish and start a new day. Your family needs you

 

[txgirl]

I don't mean to make light of this b/c even though it's not been diagnosed, I consider myself half-deaf and have to ask people to repeat themselves a lot. .

After reading this and the the OP stating she was hard of hearing also I feel like I am not alone!!! For years my husband has said I need to get my hearing checked and recently it is bad enough for me to say, "please turn around so I can hear you" I guess this should be my wake up call but the thought of a hearing aid kinda freaks me out!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

JMHO

My son is still a baby, but here are my thoughts:

Yeah, you kinda overreacted, not saying I wouldn't have done the same, well okay...I would've gone out to the parking lot or into the bathroom instead of actually leaving, because I'm too chicken to follow ALL the way through on something like that (good thing in this case because I would've felt bad later, kwim?).

That said, I would be PO'ed if my son ever did the mumbling thing (knowing I was hard of hearing--and then having a bad attitude to boot) or if I had repeatedly told him not to play with the water and then spilled it on me. Maybe a "perfect" mother would just smile and say, "That's okay, sweetie!" but I am just not that mother.
More likely I would be really upset and feel that I was getting crapped on by my kid (and again by my dh if he tried to make it out that I was the bad guy).
So yeah, you overreacted, but I can certainly see why. No one is perfect. I would just have a little heart-to-heart with your family and explain how you were feeling and what happened. Moms truly get the short end of the stick 99% of the time...I can see that already just from my 6 short months of motherhood!

 

[C.Ann]

I think you're under an enormous amount of stress and not just from the issues you have stated here.. What happened was you finally reached your "breaking point" - something we have all done at one time or another..

Removing yourself from the situation was the best thing to do.. If you had stayed, things would have gotten very ugly and deteriorated further..

Try to relax.. Take some time for yourself.. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day..

 

[Daxx]

For what it's worth, here's my opinion, which I'm sure you won't like. But, you did ask for opinions and you know the addage ... ask and you shall receive.

Originally posted by vhoffman:
because we were going to be at Disney this week

Your DD is crushed that her bday isn't at WDW. In her head she's Disney bday dreaming. I'm sure she doesn't understand the circumstances of why the trip was cancelled. She's only 8 yo! Kids don't always understand these things! Wouldn't you be upset if it were you who were turning 8 yo and had visions of a Disney bday and your parents said "sorry, we're not going after all"?

I can understand wanting to set up for a little party in the room ... however, being a kid, it would've meant more for your DD to have mom poolside. Even if you couldn't go in and swim, at least you could have took photos and enjoyed your family. You could have even played pool games -- tossing a ball out to see which child could get it first, throwing pennies into the pool to dive for, etc. I'm sure she expected a bday cake and a party in the room on her bday. I can't understand how that could be a surprise?

I did try to prevent my ds from spilling the water. Several times I told him to stop, but he kept right on.

Then take the flipping water away from him. At what point did it occur to you that it might spill? That's when you take it away. Don't keep telling him if he's not listening - take action instead! Nobody likes to have water spilled on them. Be thankful it was only water. On the flight from WDW, DS spilled a glass of soda all over me. I had nothing to change into. I had to sit with sticky, wet pants throughout the 3 hour flight. You had the option of going to the hotel to change clothing and could have been back in no time.

As for the mumbling ... I tell my DS that if he says something and I don't hear it, it must be important and worth repeating. And, if it's not worth repeating, then it must not be important enough. And, remind your child that you're in a noisy atmosphere and you can't hear things said at a low volume. Try mumbling to her. If she asks what you said, roll your eyes and act all disgusted. Do this several times in a row. She just might get annoyed and then you can tell her that's how others feel when she does it to them.

The sick cat. We had to put our cat down the day before my DS's 7th bday. That cat had been w/our DS since he was born ... and w/Daxx and I for 6 yrs. before that. Our cat had cancer on his tongue and could not eat or drink. I had no choice but to do what was humane and put him down. Although we were sad, we still had to make my DS's 7th bday the best possible! If the cat was such a concern, then why didn't you do something at home instead of doing the hotel thing? Or, you could have found a pet-friendly hotel and brought the cat along.

I just couldn't sit there through the meal feeling like I had ruined everyone's good time, so maybe it would be better if I left.

You honestly thought it would be better if you left? You wouldn't have ruined anyone's time by trying to get in the spirit of the festivities. But, you did ruin everyone's time by walking out. You had to take away WDW from your DD -- that was a big blow ... but leaving her altogether on her bday? That had to be complete devestation.

I feel bad for your DD. She's the one that got cr@pped on -- not you. She didn't ask for WDW to be cancelled, for the cat to get sick, for water to be spilled on her mom, for you to have a hearing problem. All she wanted was a fun bday. And, from the looks of it, she didn't get it. Her dream was a Disney bday -- and she didn't get that. She could have gotten 2nd best w/the hotel party -- but she didn't get that, either, b/c you walked off on her. I'm sure she was very crushed after that.

If I were 8 yo and my Mom walked out of my bday, I know I'd be so hurt.
I think you need to explain to your DD why you were upset (the mumbling, the cat, the spilled water, etc.) and, I think you need to apologize for ruining her bday. Instead of making the best out of a bad situation (w/not being at WDW), you really hurt her. I mean, getting mad over the mumbling is one thing ... but to walk out on your kid's bday ...that is a whole other ballgame. To make ammends, why not do a "Mom & Me" day and go get manicures and pedicures, go somewhere nice for lunch, go to the mall or movie and make it up to her.

Remember -- our actions teach our children. You have shown her that it's ok to walk out on your family/what's important. When she walks out on you or something that is important to you, don't be surprised. And, you won't be able to repremand her b/c you have set the precident.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I can totally relate to your frustration. I've got a mumbler who needs braces myself, also a 15 year old with attitude to spare, and a seven year old who bounces off the walls. I've felt all the same feelings, believe me. And I know I'd be sorely tempted to do what you did- in fact a few years ago I probably would have. But time has taught me that sometimes you just have to eat the dirt and put up with it. When you get overwhelmed, take a short break. Maybe a quick walk outside would have cleared your head.

Believe me, your kids will see reactions like this start doing the same. That's what finally got me to stop and think about it- I started seeing myself in my oldest- and not the good parts of me. Think about that- if your dh, or your kids when they are older- were to do the same- how would it make you feel?

 

[chris7]

vhoffman - listen to these parents, they are doing you a great favor by being honest with you. They are not condemning or judging you, they are pointing out their own experiences and how they learned from them. Having a bad day, even a spectacularly bad day, is not a crime. Where I get in trouble is if I try to justify or rationalize my bad behavior instead of making amends for it and moving on.

 

[Trinity721]

If I was your DD, I would feel heartbroken and disappointed. I would probably also feel bad for disrespecting my mother. But that said, I also agree that you overreacted. My father has done similar things on days that were going great, and then his attitude just changed and ended up ruining the whole thing. Let me tell you, it makes you feel like utter cr@p, and that is probably how your daughter felt. On her birthday, no less. You could definitely have handled the situation better. Walking out on your family probably just made everyone feel guilty and horrible, when in actuality they really didn't do anything bad to deserve mom leaving. As parents we are always doing things and going out of our way for our children. You have to expect that sometimes it may not always be appreciated the way you want it to be. But we still do these things for our children because we love them. I totally agree with Daxx. Our actions set an example for our children, and we should not be surprised if they start acting the way we do. Frankly and honestly, and with all due respect...but I think you were just acting childish. It probalby was a good idea to just take a little time away from the table, change clothes, and calmed down. But you should have returned to your family and just let them know how you felt, told them that you were just expecting more out of them after all you put in. Sometimes our loved ones just don't see how hard we work to make them happy.

Regardless, I realize we are not always perfect. We all make mistakes. We all look back in retrospect and wish that we could have changed something or behaved differently. I really can see why you reacted the way you did, especially with other things on your mind and having worked so hard to make it all happen. I think that the best you can do to remedy the ordeal is just to apologize to your family. Talk to them and explain the way you were feeling, I am sure they will all understand. And find some way to make it up to your DD. One day when she has a DD of her own, she will understand

 

[DMRick]

Perhaps it would have been better to just remove yourself to the bathroom for a short time, or gone home to change, and once you were under control again, return for the party. I've had three 8 year olds, and believe me, this is just the tip of the iceburg of Mom staying in control. If you want them to be able to come to you when they hit their teens, you need to stay within control of your emotions (and hide the hurt theymmay inflict, since most likely they don't even realize they are hurting you) now. I agree that this is a birthday that she won't forget, and I'm betting when she's in her 20's, you're going to hear about how you left her during it. Any setting up you did, etc, will be forgotten, and that was because you wanted to do it, and while it's nice you tried to come up with another special time for her birthday, you did it because you wanted to do it as her mom..and mom's just don't always get thanks.

Kids think different than us, and often have attitude as they learn to deal with their own emotions, hormones and feelings of self worth. As the other person said, if you are going to remember this until next year, you really will have a bad year, and another birthday will be ruined for her. I think you need to find someone to talk this out with, as I'm thinking it's more than just this weekend. You sound a little overwhelmed to me. I've been there, and I recognize it. I had three teens at the same time (and two were girls)...do I need to say more? I'm sorry this is such a bad time for you and your family.

 

[minmate]

By the way, I'm also curious as to how your dh reacted to you leaving them at the restaurant. I know my dh would have been disappointed and displeased to say the least. It does not do any good for the kids to frustrate each other like this and leave one holding the bag like that.

 

[vhoffman]

Yes, I know, a night at a nice hotel here in town just doesn't replace Disney. So sorry! We just can't swing that every year. There are many children who never go to Disney, so now I'm the wicked witch because dd doesn't get to make what would have been her 6th trip? Oh, the abuse I've heaped on that child! It just so happens we cancelled the trip due to dh's work constraints, not any decision on my part. Maybe she will learn something from this--that one's work obligations come first (oh, did I mention, we're not leaving our children a trust fund so they'll be independently wealthy, so the poor things will have to work for a living? How horrible!).

Why does everyone crawl over me because I mentioned the cat? It was just something that was bothering me. I didn't even mention it to my kids. Just that I, too, have feelings, and they were stretched to the max. Maybe dd will finally learn from this experience to stop acting so disgusted when someone can't understand her mumbling. No, its not her fault I have a hearing loss, but its not mine, either. That's how she acts. So totally disgusted when I can't understand her. I have told her this, nicely, several times. She does need to learn that people can't help having disabilities, its totally inappropriate to act disgusted when someone else isn't perfect all the time. I did the best I could--guess it just wasn't good enough. Basically, the reason I walked out wasn't because of them, it was because of how I felt. I sat there fighting back tears--oh, yes, I know, I'm supposed to be perfect and "suck it up", but, you know, sometimes, even Moms reach their limits. I just didn't see how I could get through the meal feeling the way I did. I felt my continued presence would just "ruin things" further. Really, I didn't feel I deserved to sit there feeling guilty through the whole meal. Now I'll go back to my poor, neglected children and get dd her braces one year prior to it being possible to do so medically, and do make sure I don't show any compassion towards the cat less my darlings think something in this world might deserve some of my time besides them.

Yes, dd will look back at this and remember. She will remember that even moms have limits, to respect the feelings of others, and not to react with disgust to those with disabilities. Oh, and insofar as why I didn't get in the pool with the kids, like I posted, I had a skin rash. I didn't give all the details, so the rest of you assumed it was something minor. Well, actually, I have psoraisis and was having a major flare up. I have flakey, angry red patches all over my body. Not only would I have been miserable, but in the past I have been asked to leave public pools by hotel managers who mistakenly assume I have something contagious. Ever see those signs that say "...no open sores..." Well, that applies to me. I guess that's another problem of mine that dd can be disgusted with. No, she didn't choose my health problems, but neither did I!

 

[malibuconlee]

My sister-in-law has hearing loss. Wears hearing aids in both ears. Her 4 year old has learned to mumble things he doesn't want her to hear. My hearing is better than hers and I pick up on the things he says.

For most of the things he says, I would spank him. (He's called me the B word trying to get away with it by mumbling.)

Sorry, didn't mean to break in on your rant with my own.