Wording/Card to decline a monetary gift?

[kwnancy]

What about using the check to fund your children's college funds?

 

[roadtripper]

It's Christmas--
this gift could mean, "We're sorry", or "We love you" or a whole host of other things, some of them maybe not so nice. Isn't it better to assume they meant something good after all this time? Maybe accepting the gift is taking the high road--you are allowing yourselves to forgive them for past wrongs.

If you really can't take it, I would just not cash the check. Sending a note explaining why will exacerbate the issue. Good luck with your decision.

 

[pilgrimage]

I have had people who were truly sorry but did not know how to
form the words send a gift. A hug followed and then steps
toward reconciliation. I wish that were your experience!

 

[neatokimmo]

I have a IA kiddo too and sometimes people say things and they don't quite come out the right way. Not knowing what they said (I've heard several things myself) the check could be their way of alleviating guilt for saying anything negative about the kids while you were in process.

Plus when I was waiting, I was horribly over sensitive to every word said near me about adoption, kids, family, single people....you get the idea. I know several times I flipped out and my best friend told me I was being a wacko and to stop it lol

But I don't know your situation. My thoughts are, its just money and if you never see them, I'd send a thank you note saying the gift was unexpected, unnecessary but thank you. Also that you feel like you have everything you need in life because of the kids so you will spend the $$ on the next trip you have planned to Disney on XX date to spend more time together as a family. And be sure to send pictures and let them know how happy you are

 

[wall*e2008]

If you are not accepting it then send a letter with the check explaining why you cannot except their generous gift.

 

[permavac]

Thanks guys.....I had a big long explanation typed out but now I feel odd airing our laundry...LOL So I'll just say, that we're not close to this family. They've not visited us but once in 15 years, we've seen them once in the past 5? They haven't sent anything for the past 10 years and just now send something after we saw them a few months ago.....almost like they feel pressured to acknowledge us on Christmas due to that recent visit...which was just to repair something.

Some things were said about our adopted children and since we never see them, it wasn't a huge thing.....but to accept money from them would be against what my husband and I feel is right...even if it was for charity.

Thanks again, I will send them a thank you card and acknowledge the gift, letting them know that it's appreciated but we don't feel right taking such a generous gift when we really don't need it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with doing this. You obviously don't need help trying to decide "whether" to keep it - you are sending that check back and you have every right to. If you want to try to keep things civil with them, just keep the note lighthearted: "It was so sweet of you to think of us at Christmas but honestly, this is just too generous! It was great to see you last (insert occasion here). Happy Holidays and Best Wishes! Love,...". Since it sounds like you're not close to them, if they get offended, that's their problem. Sorry to sound so harsh - I had one of my DH's relatives send me a birthday gift AFTER we found out that his whole family was saying nasty things about me behind my back during a family reunion (and that person knew we knew what THEY personally had said). Suffice to say, I didn't want accept the gift either. For me, accepting the gift would have been an agreement to act like it never happened and THAT'S never going to happen. I have the memory of an elephant

Terri

 

[scrapquitler]

How about cashing the check and then turn around and send that amount of money to a charity??? then tell them that you weren't comfortable taking that monetary gift, so you donated to the XYZ charity.

 

[missj1975]

I have a friend who gets checks from family that he does not want gifts from because of resentment for past actions. The family is clueless that my friend is resentful (their cluelessness is part of the problem). Anyway, he never cashs the checks and they still keep sending them. After two years you would think they would get the point but they don't. They probably don't even realize that he never cashed the checks. (not everyone balances their checkbook ).

At one time, my friend could have really used the money from the checks but he didn't want "their" money, which kind of sounds like your case. Either you ignore the issue and don't cash the check or you confront the issue and return the check with a letter. My friend choose to ignore the issue but it didn't help because he still gets checks on his birthday and Christmas.

As much as I like the suggestion of cashing the check and donating the money to charity, you would be still "taking" the money that you obviously don't want even if you are forwarding it to someone else. This sounds like a control issue and you would be giving the family who sent you money control by cashing the check.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

Control? By giving money? I guess I just don't see it that way.

I think the OP should take the money - send a short quick to the point thank you telling them they shouldn't have, but thank you - and then spend the money on the kids.

Personally I would not be happy if I gave someone a gift and they gave it to charity and put it in my face, but that is me. If OP wants to give it to charity then that is what should be done, but still send a quick thank you to the sender with no mention of the donation.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[shelly3girls]

I think returning any gift will cause more of a problem and possibly end the relationship. If it were me I would probably cash the check and put it in the kids' college fund. That is what we did with a gift we received that did not make us comfortable. We sent a thank you note along the lines of..
Dear Aunt Susy,
Thank you for the generous Christmas gift. We appreciate your thoughtfulness during this holiday season. We decided to use your gift as a contribution to each of the children's college fund. It is wonderful for the children to know that you have helped contribute to their future.
Love,
Me

 

[Lmichele]

Control? By giving money? I guess I just don't see it that way.

I think the OP should take the money - send a short quick to the point thank you telling them they shouldn't have, but thank you - and then spend the money on the kids.

Personally I would not be happy if I gave someone a gift and they gave it to charity and put it in my face, but that is me. If OP wants to give it to charity then that is what should be done, but still send a quick thank you to the sender with no mention of the donation.

Good luck with your decision.

I agree, simply say thank you for thinking of our family during the holidays and be done with it. I would be extremely offended if someone "returned" a monitary gift I sent them.

 

[carj]

I think that there is no way to return a gift without causing hurt feelings. If what these people said was so bad, that you don't care if you hurt their feelings, then I would say go ahead and return it.

The problem is when you do that, is it going to make things hard for other family members who still want to maintain a pleasant relationship with these people. For example, if these people are your aunt and uncle, will the returning of the gift damage the relationship between your mother and her sister? It sounds like you hardly ever see them, so the issue may be that you will make it harder for those other family members that do see them more often.

All I am saying is that I completely get why you don't want to accept a gift from people who have said something offensive. Just watch out for the collateral damage of your actions too. (I hope that makes sense.)

If you think that you can't return it, then I would cash the check, write a thank you note and move on. I would not tell them that I have donated their check to charity, however you could certainly donate it.

To me, telling them you donated their money to charity is quite a lot like saying, "Thank you for the lovely sweater, I don't like it or want it so I sent it straight to Goodwill. Thank you for thinking of us." If they wanted to donate to charity, they would have done so.

Is it possible that this gift is their apology? You know these people so only you will know the context of their gift.

I wish you the best as you figure out this situation! Merry Christmas!

 

[pumpkinfish]

Like many posters have stated already...without knowing your specific reasoning it's hard to give specific advice. I think there have been some great examples of how to write back to them declining the gift.

Also, like many pp have stated...people give for different reasons. A personal situation happened with DH and myself and his dad/step-mom. Long story short, we have made steps to repair the relationships between us. When we bought our house this year, DH's step-mom INSISTED they give us money. It felt really weird. They have sent us Christmas money every year but NOTHING like what she was proposing. Since they live in Cali she wanted to give money for home repairs or new curtains or whatever. She told DH we had a blank check and to write whatever we needed. She would call me and ask how much more can they send. They do have money...not struggling at all...but it felt very awkward. I made sure DH was the one to communicate with her afterwards. Sure enough...DH and his step-mom had a huge heart to heart and she expressed some deep feelings she hadn't had the nerves to express before. Mainly guilt and remorse. Obviously the money was their way to try and make it up. Dh and I used their money to buy new carpeting and both parties are now so much better for it. His family was able to provide for us and we accepted.
I know that's just our story but I think back and if we had refused (like I really wanted to do) our relationship would not have mended like it did. Now this is his DH and not some distant cousin. We WANT to have relationships with them. DH has forgiven and we have moved past. People/relationships can be mended over time.

 

[funforfive]

I just wanted to say that without knowing what went on between you and the family you are speaking about it's hard to give advice. Are they trying to reach out and say "sorry" but are the kind of people that can only do so with money?

This is what I was thinking... maybe they want to say "sorry" but aren't sure how and the check is some form of a peace offering, maybe they want to reconnect

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Maybe after not seing each other in so long they are feeling bad about whatever went on. then when you seen them a few months ago they just want to do something nice and they know in these times there are not many people that dont need the money, not saying that you do.
I would cash the check and use it you can get them a gift and send it to them with a Thank you for what they wanted to do for your family.

Everyone is diffrent and it sounds like they are wanting to make something right and unless it is so bad whats happened in the past that you dont want to have anything at all to do with them at all.

 

[neatokimmo]

I so agree with this. I gave a family some cash this season because they were having $$ problems (not something that was hinted at, just straight out told everyone).

The mother turned around and bought items to donate to charity.

If I had wanted the homeless shelter to receive items, I would of just sent them the check. I meant for it to go on their power bill or to buy food. (not to say the homeless people didn't need it but it was MY choice who to send the money to). It actually upset me a lot.

To me, telling them you donated their money to charity is quite a lot like saying, "Thank you for the lovely sweater, I don't like it or want it so I sent it straight to Goodwill. Thank you for thinking of us." If they wanted to donate to charity, they would have done so.