Why must my Mother... (vent)

[patsal]

never be happy for me? We just gutted our kitchen and are redoing the whole thing--something I've saved up for a few years for and Dh and I decided we wanted. Yesterday I had a party at my house for my DD's birthday and all the family was there. All the new cupboards are in and there is a temp. counter top until the new counter and sink arrive--it is a slow process since the integrated sink is on backorder and they are only coming to measure today--everyone said that it looked nice, my Dad even went in and checked out the quality--dove tail joints, pull out cupboard shelves--nice work kids, etc. My Mother just made frowny faces and acted all put out when I asked her what she thought. Basically I got a they're nice, whatever. Next she proceeds to talk to my BIL and badger him abut why he won't let her take his kids to WDW--what your planning on taking them and paying for them--must be nice! Don't get me wrong I don't care what she does with her $$, but then she proceeds to act like she's taken my kids and my other sister's kids to WDW in front of my MIL. Well though she has been with my children and my sister's children while in WDW she DID NOT TAKE THEM or pay for anything. But still, whatever. Finally she starts bragging about how she has only been to WDW 3 times but she has seen and done more in those trips than "I" have and that she can handle so much more than me (ok but you've never "done AK, never resort hopped, didn't see the storytellers because you ran to see figment--yup you know what you're doing running to see and attraction no one goes on. Umm gonna have to say NO here..I plan it according to your wishes, book your ADR's (which she complains about because she thinks you can just wing it Easter Break, week before Christmas, etc), I supply you a copy of the video shot when you were most likely sitting on a bench--again I don't really acare that she chooses to sit on benches it is when she tells me that an attraction has changed and fights with me when I say--nope it hasn't, tells me they moved the MK rose garden, again nope they have not, etc. Next she'll tell people all the things she saw--yup she saw it on my video, because you "can't plan you should just wing it and be happy you saw what you saw" I'm not trying to be mean here and as always I will plan her vacation whatever (she tells my Dad she does all this herself). My DH says let her do it herself and see what happens, but it is soooo much money I can't see it being wasted. I will not ever go on vacation with my parents again because of the way they treat me when we are on vacation, bu I feel bad. I wish I understood why she has to act like this--everytime I do something she has to act like her stuff is better than mine, her vacations to the same place are better than mine, etc. It really gets under my skin. Anyway I had to vent becasue I just dont' understand--I have children and when they are successful or do something they are very proud of I don't cut them down. I am really happy for them and excited to have been a part of it.

 

[GraysMom]

I'm sorry your mom is being difficult. I may be way off here, but it almost sounds like your mom is jealous of you and your family. Maybe she thinks you're doing a better job raising your children and giving them opportunities to do things that she couldn't when you were growing up? Sorry I don't have any advice for you.

GraysMom

 

[L107ANGEL]

First, Congratulations on your new kitchen. You must be very excited!
I am sorry your Mom doesn't appreciate when you try to help her out by planning her vacation. I agree with your DH, stop doing it! She doesn't appreciate it and you are wasting your time.
I agree with you, I love to be proud and happy for my children. I don't know what to say more then that.

 

[Maleficent13]

I agree I read jealousy here, but that is such a foreign concept to me...a mother jealous of her daughter...

I would just be grateful for all that you have, and try not to worry about her approval so much.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok, this is pretty simple to understand. From a human psychology standard your mother has to "keep you down" so she can "stay up".
In basic terms she is so insecure and unable to experience the "joy" that normal people feel.

So the way you solve this is to pity her inability to feel.
When you "fight" she is able to experience emotion so she provokes it with you, because you are an easy target.

 

[Laurajean1014]

Not to disagree, but I hear the "jealous" thing a lot from kids about their parents but I think very little jealousy goes on between parents and kids.

Your mom loves you, but she loves you in a different way than you want her to. She may (or may not) show it, but the love is there.

Also, every parent wants better for their kids than they had themselves, but not always is this pill easy to swallow. I don't think it's easy getting old and watching your kids "have their turn." A parent always wants what's best, but maybe not at the time the kid gets it.

You are preceiving that your Mom didn't care/acknowledge your kitchen. Maybe she doesn't give a hoot about granite vs. sandstone vs. formica. Maybe she has something else (medical) on her mind and is not focussed.

You and your mom are human and with acceptance to that - both of you need to understand that love does not mean approval, attention or acceptance 100% of the time. Relationships have good times and bad times.

Maybe your Mom wants her life reconstructed (like your kitchen) but is not going to bother the family with her issues. No one knows what goes on in someone else's thoughts.

Just love her and accept the love that she gives you. If you feel short changed today, don't worry. Tomorrow may bring you lots more than you expected.

Accept what others offer you (and try not to expect more). Expecting more will only make you miserable. Take what you can get and enjoy what you have.

Also, never do anything with the want of approval from someone else. NOt only will you be unhappy, but you will never seek the approval you set out for.

No-one is wrong. But only you can let things hurt you.

I wish the best for you and your mom.

 

[patsal]

Ok, this is pretty simple to understand. From a human psychology standard your mother has to "keep you down" so she can "stay up".
In basic terms she is so insecure and unable to experience the "joy" that normal people feel.

So the way you solve this is to pity her inability to feel.
When you "fight" she is able to experience emotion so she provokes it with you, because you are an easy target.

I think you all have good points here, maybe you are right. I guess I don't get it because I dont' feel the need to control even with my children. I have been trying to distance myself a bit since I just don't feel up to the fight anymore. I'm pretty sure my energy could be put to better use in other areas!
Thanks, you have made me feel a bit better.

 

[Chicago526]

It sounds like you need a

All I can say is tp just try and ignore it. Like Dr. Phil says, you can't change the way people act, only the way you re-act to them. It will be hard at first, but as yet another saying goes "fake it until you make it", the more you pretend not to care, the less you will care until you really don't actually care about what she thinks or what she says.

 

[Tamarap]

I can empathize with you. My mom is the same way. Nothing going on my my life is ever anywhere near as interesting as hers. She constantly tries to take credit for things in front of other people that she had absolutely nothing to do with. When I bring up something going on in my life she will interrupt me mid sentence to mention something about her brother, my sister, or my neice.I can offer no suggestions to you as I am tryng to figure it out for myself. Most of my close family and friends see how my mother treats me and have actually told me I need to create a vast distance between us. I can only offer you a great big hug

 

[crazy4disney01]

Your mom sounds so much like mine. I don't have a good relationship with her really(haven't spoken to her in over a month). I've, for some reason, always asked her opinion on stuff only to have her snub me, whether it was my new lamps, a dress my DD wore for her pictures, I could go on forever. I have stopped asking her opinion and what she thinks. I know it's hard not to care because you want to, but you get tired of being put down. My DH said that whatever I'm looking for I'll never have and that's what I tell myself everytime before I see my mom for a visit. The only thing I can do is make sure I don't do the same crappy thing to my kids now or when their grown with their own kids, and that's what I strive to do everyday.

I know it's so upsetting. I use to think how much me and my kids are missing out because of how she is acting, but SHE is the one missing out. She has done so much, said so much, and never said she was sorry-only the "poor me" excuses. It makes me mad when I think about it so I try not to. I just feel sorry for the sad, self-righteous person she has become.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hugs!!!

I agree with the last two posters, and some of the others.
My MIL is the very same way as the above described.
The kitchen cabinet scenario is EXACTLY what I would have experience with my inlaws. LOL!!!! I can just laugh about it now. Their problem....

Your mothers behavior is negative, competitive, jealous, spiteful, etc.. etc..

To ask 'WHY' is a question that may never be answered. Probably just-because.

The thing to do is for you to move past it.
Remember, you cannot change somebody elses behavior, only your reaction to it. You CAN control how it affects you and your family.

Once you realize that you may never get the acceptance (love) you are looking for from your mom, and that this is not YOUR fault/problem, but hers. That will be so incredibly freeing!!!!

 

[patsal]

Not to disagree, but I hear the "jealous" thing a lot from kids about their parents but I think very little jealousy goes on between parents and kids.

Your mom loves you, but she loves you in a different way than you want her to. She may (or may not) show it, but the love is there.

Also, every parent wants better for their kids than they had themselves, but not always is this pill easy to swallow. I don't think it's easy getting old and watching your kids "have their turn." A parent always wants what's best, but maybe not at the time the kid gets it.

You are preceiving that your Mom didn't care/acknowledge your kitchen. Maybe she doesn't give a hoot about granite vs. sandstone vs. formica. Maybe she has something else (medical) on her mind and is not focussed.

You and your mom are human and with acceptance to that - both of you need to understand that love does not mean approval, attention or acceptance 100% of the time. Relationships have good times and bad times.

Maybe your Mom wants her life reconstructed (like your kitchen) but is not going to bother the family with her issues. No one knows what goes on in someone else's thoughts.

Just love her and accept the love that she gives you. If you feel short changed today, don't worry. Tomorrow may bring you lots more than you expected.

Accept what others offer you (and try not to expect more). Expecting more will only make you miserable. Take what you can get and enjoy what you have.

Also, never do anything with the want of approval from someone else. NOt only will you be unhappy, but you will never seek the approval you set out for.

No-one is wrong. But only you can let things hurt you.

I wish the best for you and your mom.

I'd love to believe this is the reason, but my parents are not that old--Mom got maried when she was 17 and had me when she was 20--so she'll be 60 in Sept. She doesn't really have health issues, but if she did she wouldn't try to hide them, she'd be up for as much attention as she could get--I know it sounds like I am being harsh here, but it is true. I have agree though that I ma in control of what hurts me so I guess I shuld just let it go. BTW I didn't get into the details about the counters and stuff, I wasn't bragging or anything I just kind of hoped she'd say something positive.

 

[Lorix2]

I agree with everyone that I think she is a bit jealous, especially coming from you're own mother, that is hard to take. Why can't she say how wonderful it looks and how you must be thrilled at the outcome

I do know how you feel as my own mother said once as I drove up in my new car and didn't draw any attention to it either - "wow, must be nice" with a look as though the dealership had just given it to me

I'm sure you're renovation looks great, enjoy it you worked hard for it

 

[patsal]

Thanks everyone, you helped me put it in a better perspective. I had a long discussion with DH last night and he just said that I need to let it roll off of me and not let it bother me so much--if shje sees it bother me than she has control if I dont' let it rattle me then she will not . She is what she is and that since I am the only one who can control if it bothers me or not I need to choose not to let it bother me. I guess I can set up my own expectations for myself and try hard to be a great and supportive Mom to my own kids, but I can't make my Mom into what she is not. Thanks for the support and the hugs.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like your husband is a very smart man!!!

You know, when you mention how your mother was fairly young when she had you, and that there is not a huge age difference, that might bring the whole 'jealosy' thing into perspective. It might not be a true, outright, jealosy, but just something off-kilter in the relationship, based on the fact that she could possibly have been the 'immature' parent? Almost sounds as if the ResponsibleAdultParent/Child dynamic is very skewed with your Mom.

Just let it go and be happy and free!!!!

 

[4nana]

It never fails to amaze me to read on the Dis how some parents and IL's behave .
I have nothing but pride and the upmost respect for my dear Mom, our grown children, their spouses and grands we've been blessed with and their many wonderful accomplishments.

You are wise to heed all this great advise you've been given...
mine would be - learn from your Mom mistakes, consider the source, rise above and don't look back honey, and spend your energy taking care of and enjoying your own loving family to the best of your ability. BIG (((hugs))) and God Bless. ^i^

 

[Keli]

You know, I'm finding myself agreeing with some others posters here in that I'm not seeing this so much as a jealously issue as a control issue.

I think your mom knows you crave her approval (just about everyone desires their parent's approval, it's nearly a universal desire IMHO) and she's purposely choosing to withold it from you.

Her reasoning could be anything but it's obvious you have a troubled relationship with your dm and I doubt it would be easy to sort it all out. Probably your dm feels you are doing her wrong somewhere and she's getting you back. Trouble is you can't read minds so you don't know what you're doing to offend her or you do know but you don't agree with her that she should be offended by your actions or whatever.

Honestly, the only way I've seen people get peace in these situations is to make yourself overlook everything and just love them anyway. You can't control what your dm does but you can control how you react to it. I'm sorry I don't have any better/easier advice.

 

[roseprincess]

Didn't read all the posts, but 2 words, she is jealous and wants to be in control.
My mom would be proud you used your money wisely to upgrade your kitchen . My mom in particular would agree to have someone use their money to upgrade their house instead of a vacation!


Rosemarie

 

[bapcap]

When I read your post, I thought wow... sounds just like my mom!! We recently did some minor renovations to our kitchen/dining room areas and I was so proud of what we had done (well, what my husband had done actually). When mom came over for dinner, the first words out of her mouth were, "This looks awful, I hate it!" She didn't like anything; the lighting, the curtains, the shelving, or the paint color. I just had to keep teeling her that we like it and it's our home, not her's. I thought she'd take the hint and drop the subject, but no - to this day, when we talk on the phone, she'll ask me if I've repainted the dining room yet!!
Mom's very, very opinionated and critical and see no problem with letting everyone know what she thinks!!
I just have to let it go and my reasoning is that she's old and not going to change. The saddest part is that my children don't like being around her very much anymore because she's so "negative"...

 

[ChristmasElf]

Sorry to be jumping in here a day late!!

It must be something with that whole generation.

I've noticed that if your Mother is between the ages of say 56-70 now, (she was born between 1936 and 1950) that generation seems to have a real problem saying anything positive, giving any kind of compliment (unless it was forced) and just generally being happy and upbeat for anyone other than themselves.

I have a mother that will interupt me with something that a FRIEND of hers daughter or son has accomplished,said, did or bought.
If I tell my kids they are wonderful in front of her, she will say something stupid like "now they will grow up and be conceited"
She has taken items from my home without asking.
She has entertained her friends at my house when I have been out of town.
Maybe twice I have asked her a favor in the last 20 years, both times she was too busy. Yet I have a sister that will just dump her problems off on her and she will do whatever is needed-saying that she doesnt want my sister to yell at her.

It's unfortunate as we hardly even speak that much anymore, unless she needs something from me.
It has to be something about how their life has turned out and comparing that to how yours has turned out that the mother just cannot take. So she thinks she can make herself feel better by acting the way she does.

Make sense?