Why is there often animosity between DILs and MILs?

[punkin]

My MIL used to dislike me intensely. She held a grudge because of something I said to her when I was 16 yo and dating her older son.

Everything I did was (in her mind) calculated to be mean to her. She would hardly speak to me.

Then her younger son got married....and divorced....and married.....and divorced....constant fights, custody battles, police called....

Now she thinks I walk on water.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Generally speaking*, I see that women tend to hold grudges more then men do. Men, in general, get angry, punch each other, and then go out for a beer. Women take many little incidents and bury them deep. Over time it accumulates until you loath the other person. When it is TWO women, it's worse.

*Please note: These are generalizations are by no means indicate this is how YOU specifically deal with things. Thank you, have a nice day.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Don't you cook for your husband? Comfort him when he is sick? Take care of other "wifely" duties? ALL of these things SHE did for him as he was growing up.

Of course HE can do them, but usually the WIFE takes over these duties when a man marries. It doesn't sit well with the above mentioned mothers.

Of corse I do but he does them for me too. The stuff that I do is for the benefit of the whole family not just him. I would like to think that he see's it that way too. We have our moments. He refuses to do the dishes but I refuse to change the oil in my car so we're even.
I'm also not saying that I get along with my MIL 100% of the time either. My biggest complaint with her is she won't tell us she is comming to visit until she is 20 miles away.

 

[Carly_Roach]

This may be a bit OT here but why do so many women refer to it as "taking care" of their husbands. Shouldn't he be able to take care of himself?

Don't you cook for your husband? Comfort him when he is sick? Take care of other "wifely" duties? ALL of these things SHE did for him as he was growing up.

Of course HE can do them, but usually the WIFE takes over these duties when a man marries.

Because I adore "taking care" of my husband. It's one of the ways I show him every day that I love him. When I'm sick, he takes care of me and when he's sick I take care of him. If we're both sick at the same time then it's every man for himself.

Could he do his own laundry and dishes? Yep. But I do these things because I love him...
















....and I don't want anyone but me messing with my washing machine and dishwasher.

 

[Jennasis]

Things were fine between MIL and I until we all moved in together (BIG mistake...huge). Then she turned on me after I made a comment about how many moving boxes we had left to unpack to a friend on the phone. She freaked out and started screaming at me to mind my business and not to tell others about HER things (the boxes). She's a freak.

But it's Ok. Dh doesn't like my mom either.

 

[kbsparks]

I have no problems with my MIL.

I will say those this is my worst fear. I am the mother of 3 boys so I will, God willing, me a MIL one day. I don't think the MIL/DIL issue can be pinpointed to one person's fault or one issue. I think not all personality mesh well. Sometimes the husband plays a part as well.

 

[worm761]

Boyfriends mother and I do not get along and we never will. She holds it against ME that we live in Florida and she lives in NY. Now, Boyfriend was in the Navy, this is where they sent him and where we met. He still works for the Navy and I am pretty sure they will not be moving his base to NY just to make her happy. Since his job pays well and doesn't go over into the civilian world, we are stuck here. (NOT complaining about FL resident rates though!!) I have a 14 year old son. Last your, Boyfriend and I had a baby girl. We were going to visit the families (plural!) last summer. My family is in Ohio and his is in New York. No one had met her yet. That is when his mother decided to inform us that we needed to ONLY visit HER. We shouldn't visit my family or his dad because, and this is a direct quote, "They don't matter. Only I matter." So my family doesn't matter? He set her straight. A few days later she calls back and makes the same statement but includes the rest of us too. She only cares to see DD. Not boyfriend, me or my son. We don't matter. DD is the only one that matters. You can put her on a plane for all I care. She went on to say that it isn't fair that I want to see my family too and that DD will have to choose which family she wants to be a part of.
There have been other issues but this was my line. To be told that we don't matter and that DD has to choose who she is going to love and be a part of. Well, I simply said that as her mother, I would be the one to choose until she turns 18. Yeah, she doesn't like me either. I won't back down and will protect my family to the best of my ability.

 

[MushyMushy]

I second this notion! Do I exist at all? I'm sure I will when grandkids come...

Ha! Not necessarily true! She could ignore you AND the kids, or she could dote on the kids despite the fact that they had the bad luck to have you as their mother. (saying this as a MIL might be thinking it... hope you took it that way)

My MIL happened to ignore me and the kids equally. It used to break my heart that she hardly wanted anything to do with us, but now we're used to it and just don't care. We live far enough away that it's not a slap in the face all the time, so we're fine.

But as far as most people I know, they get along great with their MILs. My sister hit the jackpot with her inlaws and I've always been so jealous!

 

[Pakey]

I am not a huge fan of my MIL but it's because we are nothing alike; there has never been any drama.

I stay out of the lives of my adult children. I like both of my daughters in law very much. I can't imagine a situation where animosity would come into play.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I second this notion! Do I exist at all? I'm sure I will when grandkids come...

OHHHHHHH, don't count on it.... you will simply be expected to provide MIL access to HER precious grandchildren. Do not begin to think that if you are ignored and disrespected now, that you will suddenly be acknowledged and respected as the mother of your husband's children.

The advent of grandchildren is known to be when the you-know-what hits the fan.

BTDT....

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that some women are territorial and when that territory is a man it is not pretty. I alsodonot understand the notion that thereis only one side of family after you marry. Silly and cruel IMO.

My DH mother is not a very nice woman and had not accepted me or my kids. That cost her any elationship with her son. Now she is not well and I havebeen in contact but my DH is not opening up toher.

I love my DDIL and make sure that she knows it. I also let her know that I have nothing to gain by intruding on her marraige and everything to gain if she and my son are happy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Don't you cook for your husband? Comfort him when he is sick? Take care of other "wifely" duties? ALL of these things SHE did for him as he was growing up.

Of course HE can do them, but usually the WIFE takes over these duties when a man marries. It doesn't sit well with the above mentioned mothers.

HUGE wake up call......
Honey, a wife is the spouse, the as-one intimate partner, to an ADULT male.
NOT the parent and personal maid and cook to a full grown six foot adult '12 year old'.

 

[disneyquestions]

In my case, I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that my parents brought me up way differently than they brought up DH - two different sides of the track, so to say. In all truth though, we haven't had much to complain about. A few little things here and there, like them ALWAYS being late for family parties (I think they do that because they know how I can't stand people being late. And were not talking about 10 minutes here either, more like an hour for a 3 hour childs birthday party), and them ALWAYS telling us who to use when we need something done in the house (and for the record, every single person FIL has told us to use, has either never returned the first phone call, or just never shown up).

I think they were used to controlling everything, and when we got married, and they lost controll, that was hard for them. Now it was their son making decisions with another woman, and not them.

 

[tlbwriter]

The MIL is not always at fault, of course, but one common thread that I've seen in posts here and elsewhere is a lack of boundaries on the MIL's part. The MIL who thinks she should be involved in your family's decisions, who thinks she should step in and take care of "her baby" when he's sick, etc.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think they were used to controlling everything, and when we got married, and they lost controll, that was hard for them. Now it was their son making decisions with another woman, and not them.

B I N G O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inlaws are bona-fide, dyed in the wool, no doubt about it, complete narcissistic control freaks.... ( One can just assume that I am in-law bashing here... but if you just knew these people...)

In my case, this just NAILS any issues that have existed with my inlaws.

 

[Carly_Roach]

HUGE wake up call......
Honey, a wife is the spouse, the as-one intimate partner, to an ADULT male.
NOT the parent and personal maid and cook to a full grown six foot adult '12 year old'.

HUGE wake up call....
Honey, based on what I've seen with all the "My DH and I are splitting up where did I go wrong?" posts here on the DIS, I'd have to say that if a wife doesn't give her DH a little tenderness and understanding once in awhile and treats him like every other female acquaintence he knows and expects him to put up with that because he's an ADULT male and should take care of himself, then what's the whole point of being married and having to deal with a woman's idiosyncrasies?

I enjoy taking care of my DH. YMMV.

 

[ccgirl]

Our entire family gets along. Brother and sister on both sides including all the ones that are married . Big family and everyone likes one another.

To get along

just make sure there all yankee fans... That helps
last line was a joke.

It was so funny I forgot to laugh!

 

[~disneydiva~]

The MIL is not always at fault, of course, but one common thread that I've seen in posts here and elsewhere is a lack of boundaries on the MIL's part. The MIL who thinks she should be involved in your family's decisions, who thinks she should step in and take care of "her baby" when he's sick, etc.

This describes my MIL.

 

[Debbie7452]

My MIL is the BEST. She is an angel sent from heaven. However, she confided to me right before my DH and I married (20 years ago) that she was afraid, before I came on the scene, she would never get along with her son's wife because she didn't think anyone would be good enough! That gives you some insight into some folk's problems.

Lucky for me she loved me and judged me "good enough". That means a lot because she practically worships my DH...only boy and baby of the family. I am closer to my IL's than my own dysfunctional parents. I am blessed!

 

[scottishduffy]

I have two MIL's.

MIL #1- technically is DH's step-mom, but he calls her Mom. She raised him from the age of 3 and is the person he is closest with. I love her! get along fabulously. In fact, I think I get along better with her than I do with my own mother! Just a wonderful and sweet woman. Raised DH to be a wonderful man, gotta thank her for that.


MIL #2- Where to start.... let's park the crazy train right here. She is DH's Bio-mom. Abandoned him at age of 2, she just walked out the door and didn't come back for 6 months. Then never really bothered to raise him or visit much. She would fly into town for 1-2 weeks every year as he grew up. Shower him with expensive toys and a vacation (she is VERY wealthy in her 2nd marriage) and then leave.

As a young boy he idolozed her. Thought she was just great and sophisticated because he didn't understand her faults. As an adult he really dislikes her. This woman *hates* me.

I think as DH and his brother grew up and were finally able to see her for the mistakes she made, she suddenly realized everything she missed. She barely knows them. At the age of 20 she suddenly started trying to act like DH's Mom. Demanding he do things as she says, and trying to control his life. He refused and she blamed me (we were dating at the time). MIL has repeatedly tried to break up our relationship, even tried to get our wedding called off a week before, said horrible things to DH and myself, and is a very manipulative human being. As she says, she is his mother and should come first above any woman! DH thankfully always stood up to her and backed me up. This even resulted in them not speaking for over a year at one point... until she agreed to apologize for her behavior.

Right now we have known each other 11 years. She is slightly more pleasant to me at the moment because she knows if she isn't nice DH will cease contact again.

We are currently afraid of how she will react when she figures out i'm pregnant. If it is a boy she won't care, won't even bother to know the kids name I bet. But if we have a girl we are afraid because she has always wanted a girl and has displayed very *weird* behavior in the past with little girls. DH and I have already agreed she will NEVER be allowed unsupervised with our children. We can not trust her, she is unpredictable, manipulative and vindictive.