Why is there often animosity between DILs and MILs?

[PrincessKsMom]

MIL and I used to get along extremely well. Not so much since we moved into their house (upstairs apartment) 12 years ago. Too much togetherness. My biggest problem is DH is a screw up (long story) and she never lets him take the fall. Forever butting in and saving him. I didn't marry her and FIL, I married him. I don't expect to answer to MIL and FIL like DH does, I don't want them involved in my business. He says he doesn't either, but doesn't have the nerve to say anything. DH and MIL are VERY much alike and it drives me nuts. She's always coddled him and that's why he is the adult he is. She should have let him take the fall and learned the hard truths of life. OTOH, she has done more for me and DD than I can ever repay and I try to keep that in mind. I think sometimes if DH wasn't involved, we'd get along famously!

The other thing that annoys me is she NEVER comes upstairs, until I have company, specifically my mom, then she wants to come upstairs and hang around and chat for hours. My mom lives an hour away, so I don't see her but once every month or so. I don't want MIL there too. It's like she tries to show my mom what a great MIL she is and how important. It's just intruding.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hmmm....my first mil didn't like me because of my religion. I didn't like her because I felt she was a horrible mother ( I saw her go off on her youngest DD for no reason and that just stayed with me).

My current mil, I do love, but we have had control issues (she likes things her way) and there are boundary issues, related of course to her control issues!!

I adore my brand new DIL and I hope she loves me back! I haven't heard anything to the contrary yet!! LMAO!!

My mom didn't like my ex because he wasn't our religion and the fact that he couldn't support me or her grand children.

SHe didn't like my current DH because I think she was afraid of losing me to him and his family . She thought she was losing control over my life (which she didn't have to begin with, but thought she did). DH and I picked the name of our DD, first name was after DH's beloved grandmother and her middle name was after mine. My mom got very upset and said the first name should be after her mom. I was like, no, I have already named 2 children (previous marriage), and my 2nd DS could have been named after her, but my mom didn't want that. SHe acutally tried calling DD by her middle name. I stopped her cold!!

Thankfully DH and I are a united front with each other towards our parents.

 

[AKL_Megs]

OHHHHHHH, don't count on it.... you will simply be expected to provide MIL access to HER precious grandchildren. Do not begin to think that if you are ignored and disrespected now, that you will suddenly be acknowledged and respected as the mother of your husband's children.

The advent of grandchildren is known to be when the you-know-what hits the fan.

BTDT....

what I meant was... She had better! Since she lives an hour away and is known for unreliable cars! Better treat me better or I won't see a point lugging a kid to HER...

 

[bookgirl]

Two women....one man. Unless you're a resident of small private communities in Utah, this does not work well.


Also there's that whole grandmother/mother vibe, because I've rarely seen two women raise thier children the same way.

 

[TDC Nala]

Staking out their territory. Or more accurately, what they feel SHOULD be their territory.

 

[Rora]

MILs don't like to be replaced and DILs don't like to be second fiddle in their husband's lives.

This.

 

[quentina]

No body will ever be good enough for my hubby...his mother is jealous of me and the relationship I have with him. Why? I "feel" it is because they are not as close as she wants them to be.

It is what it is.....sigh....I take what I learn and hope to be a good MIL.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

don't know of any family that has mil or dil problem.
Everyone in my family gets along. Even brothers and sisters and anything else you can think of.

I really don't know, I have the sweetest MIL you could ever ask for.

It's always good to hear that there are good MIL/DIL relationships out there.

My MIL is basically a nice person, but she definitely has boundary issues. My DH is an only child and the father died when my DH was a toddler. It was always just the two of them when DH was growing up. She did a good job raising DH to be a respectful and decent person, so I can't complain about that.

When we first started dating, MIL thought that DH should still be in his prior relationship with a woman that MIL loved. MIL took it upon herself to track down my phone number (we hadn't even met yet) and leave me a nasty voicemail message. She was also planning on coming into my workplace and telling me to stay away from her son, but DH found out her plans and stopped her. This was all completely unacceptable to my DH and to me. Because of her actions, I have held her at arms length. We will never be extremely close. She has apologized to me several times for her initial reaction to us dating, but it's hard to forget.

 

[MIGrandma]

As a former DIL (my DMIL passed away 10+ years ago), and now a MIL myself I think they key is not sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

My MIL was an absolutely wonderful woman. Welcomed me into the family right off the bat and we had a great relationship. She would give opinions when asked, but otherwise she didn't interfere. And we lived right next door to each other for many years!

Now, as a MIL myself, I practice the same. Keep my nose out of their business unless asked. Our DD and SIL live a quarter a mile away, for the past 10 years. Always got along great with DS's wives (he has had 2) as well, and still keep in touch with one of them in fact.

Our children have their own lives. They don't need parents and in-laws butting in. They know they can ask us anything and we will tell them what we think. But otherwise, we let them live their own lives.

 

[rie'smom]

I really don't know, I have the sweetest MIL you could ever ask for.

So do I. Even my ex MIL and I got along very well.

 

[Calliaz]

I think that a certain percentage of the time the problems are actually related to the husbands who don't know how to set boundaries and stand with their spouses. I see husbands who allow their moms to do horrible things to their wives, "because she's my mom." If the husband would realize that he has a new family and enforce the boundaries, there would be fewer problems.

Luckily, I have a nice MIL and step-MIL. They have their flaws and we aren't best friends, but we all work together just fine.

 

[Robinrs]

Because women were trained to compete with each other and somehow "men" are gifts and results of what they nurtured and developed...????

If women would learn to get along the world would be a much better place. Based on what I read daily on this board, that will never happen.

I LOVE my son's grandmother, better than her son! We understand each other and she recognizes his faults and his pluses... as I do. We were not put on this earth to replace each other, we have completely different roles. She's a mother, I'm a mother. We uplift and help each other, not criticize or judge each other.

Confident people uplift each other, not bring each other down.

 

[C.Ann]

My MIL and I got along great - she was a wonderful woman.. I loved her and she loved me - so I'm often puzzled by some of the nastiness I see here on the DIS..

DD has had issues with her MIL - and vice versa - but I think that's more about the fact that her DH is an only child.. For the most part, they've gotten everything squared away and have a good relationship now..

I have to admit that I chuckle when I read some of the complaints on here - making mountains out of mole hills - but I suppose that happens when someone rubs you the wrong way.. If they so much as breathe in your direction, it's worthy of an all-out battle.. Of course it also makes me very sad though when I see the grandkids dragged into it - and used as "pawns" over silly nonsense..

Considering these people are going to be in your life forever (hopefully) - or at least in the lives of the innocent children - I would be trying extremely hard to come to some kind of understanding - or at least call a truce..

But - that's just me.. And as I said, I was lucky in that regard..

 

[superme80]

I get along with my MIL and Step MIL fairly well. DH was married once before me, and she was not well liked in the family. I can basically do no wrong!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that a certain percentage of the time the problems are actually related to the husbands who don't know how to set boundaries and stand with their spouses. I see husbands who allow their moms to do horrible things to their wives, "because she's my mom."

Unfortunately, I experienced this.
This was the case with my husband.
And, worse than my husband's mom, was his dad. FIL had no problem outright cutting me down and berating me.
It took a LONG time for my husband to see that this was wrong....

And, like C Ann just mentioned about her daughter's husband being an only child/son... That is also my situation. I believe that very often, while the MIL's may not even realize it, they are simply so deeply and strongly vested (almost inappropriately) in their relationship with their son, that there is just no room for their son to have a wife.

I am now also the mother of an only son.
He was long awaited and prayed for.
And, like many mothers, I love him more than life itself.
Hopefully I will never fall into the mother of only son syndrome!!!!

 

[PRmamiDEdos]

Because I adore "taking care" of my husband. It's one of the ways I show him every day that I love him. When I'm sick, he takes care of me and when he's sick I take care of him. If we're both sick at the same time then it's every man for himself.

Could he do his own laundry and dishes? Yep. But I do these things because I love him...
















....and I don't want anyone but me messing with my washing machine and dishwasher.

My DH is more than capable of taking care of himself, but I like to do it because it shows him I care. 9 times out of 10, he washes his own clothes (he says I have enough with the kids clothes and my clothes), but he knows I'll do everything else inside the house.

 

[teskak]

When MIL takes up the very very limited time DH has away from work with some drama. That means that I go to the back of the queue (again) for time with him.

Nothing major, but there is that amazing tendancy for something to go wrong just before we go away on holidays - then it is either drama over email, or question if DH has to find an early flight home.

I am just waiting on the problem that is going to spring up in the next 3 weeks before we leave for the trip to USA & Disney. Because she will have one.

The umbilical cord was cut 40+ years ago but MIL keeps trying to regrow it.

 

[marlynnp]

B I N G O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inlaws are bona-fide, dyed in the wool, no doubt about it, complete narcissistic control freaks.... ( One can just assume that I am in-law bashing here... but if you just knew these people...)

In my case, this just NAILS any issues that have existed with my inlaws.

You don't have an in-law problem, you have a marriage problem.

 

[DVCisME]

My MIL has her own agenda and if she is not in the spotlight look out.
It actually started during our wedding preperation, but it was summed up when we had a miscarriage. She told us when she had her miscarriage it was worse; we should get over it.
She actually lies. She has told stories about me cursing at her on the phone, thankfully my husband was their when we were on the phone and knew it was not true. She makes plans "for" us, that we don't agree to. She shows up late to every event for my children, which hurts the worst. She tells my husband one thing and me something else. She stops in to his work almost daily even after he told her to stop.
I thought it would get better I took her and my kids san husband to Disney-worst experience I ever had in Disney
Last year they didn't want to come to our house for Thanksgiving, were we have it every year. It was no problem for us we understood. She decided to tell my husband how much she didn't like me. Told his brother and sister that he wanted to divorce me. He was livid and in the end it just hurts their relationship.

In the beginning of our marriage it was really hard. Now I try harder to look for the good, while setting and standing tough on our boundaries. The hardest part is that she is still stuck on my husband and is alienating him and not establishing a good relationship with our children.

Is there hope? I hope so!

 

[minkydog]

I have a sense of peace with my MIL and SIL(or is it detente? I can never remember.) I"m not wild about either one of them, but we get along okay. SIL is just a silly goose. She's about as deep as an ice tray. You can't talk to her about anything serious because she just can't follow the conversation.
MIL has never been one to join in and carry a conversation. Well, that's not entirely true. Once she's had a few snorts she thinks she's the life of the party. We have spent entire weekends with her where she stayed in her room and read the National Enquirer and never ONCE came out to ask the kids (Her only grandchildren) anything about their lives.

I could totally do without these people, but my husband loves them so what are ya gonna do? I grin and bear it. We live 400 miles away, so it's not like their in our hip pockets. Although I did put my foot down about 5 years ago and REFUSED to spend the night at SILs house. She and her OCD husband literally follow Christian around the house, 1-2 feet behind him, wiping up any surface he touches and smoothing the carpet so he doesn't leave little carpety footprints. They're a piece of work. Now when we visit we either take the camper or DH goes alone. I. am. so. done. with. them.