Why do I argue when my husband doesn't want to call his mom!?!?

[Pakey]

I've been happily married for 25+ years. My in laws do not like me and I do not like them. I stay out of the relationship my husband has with his family. My husband does not invite them to our home and he does not ask me to go with him when he visits them. I see them at mandatory family gatherings and that's it. We are polite with one another. On the flip side, I never make my husband choose; he is free to spend unlimited amount of time with them including any holidays.

 

[redsunfish]

Oh and NEVER EVER EVER write anything and send it. That is a big no-no and one of my cardinal rules when dealing with manipulative/crazy people. If you want to hash something out with her, it must be done in person. If you can't do it in person, then let it go.

Oh I also wanted to add, stop talking about it with your DH and your BIL. Esp. do not exchange emails with BIL if you are doing so. Nothing negative should be in writing, period. Call him up if you want to talk about MIL.

Yeah, my husband didn't exchange e-mails with BIL. When BIL e-mailed, DH called him and they talked. I actually for once wasn't involved in any e-mails/discussions except what my DH chose to share with me...no prodding.

I had told DH that I was done frustrating myself with the situation and when the e-mail came in from BIL he showed it to me. I never talk/e-mail with BIL unless in person and and we don't see him often because he lives across the country.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yeah, my husband didn't exchange e-mails with BIL. When BIL e-mailed, DH called him and they talked. I actually for once wasn't involved in any e-mails/discussions except what my DH chose to share with me...no prodding.

I had told DH that I was done frustrating myself with the situation and when the e-mail came in from BIL he showed it to me. I never talk/e-mail with BIL unless in person and and we don't see him often because he lives across the country.

Excellent.

Just send a thank you note and be done.

 

[DisneyLover83]

When my MIL sends large amounts of money for things I just do not cash the checks, she has never asked if we didn't get the money, etc. She knows... and our message has worked. Good Luck in your decisions... matters with family are difficult.

 

[redsunfish]

I've been happily married for 25+ years. My in laws do not like me and I do not like them. I stay out of the relationship my husband has with his family. My husband does not invite them to our home and he does not ask me to go with him when he visits them. I see them at mandatory family gatherings and that's it. We are polite with one another. On the flip side, I never make my husband choose; he is free to spend unlimited amount of time with them including any holidays.

I would never make my husband choose either. I made the mistake of inviting them for Thanksgiving now though so I have to live with that but after that, I'm pretty sure they will not be coming to our house by invitation from my husband if left to his own devices.

Just out of curiosity, if Christmas Eve involved just him and his parents (there's never extended family and BIL is not coming home) would you go with him (would he ask you to?) or would you stay home (they live approx 2.5 hours away)?

Thanks everyone again for all the advice and letting me talk about this here!

 

[redsunfish]

When my MIL sends large amounts of money for things I just do not cash the checks, she has never asked if we didn't get the money, etc. She knows... and our message has worked. Good Luck in your decisions... matters with family are difficult.

She's never asked about it really????

In my case I'm pretty sure I'd hear about it and on top of that it would just send the wrong message...that I was pouting because my birthday 'gift' was late. Which is not what this is about at all.

 

[brittanyherndon]

If you have issues with his mom....and he has issues with his mom.....then all the better to just keep his mom out of the equation. Seriously, some families just aren't close and that's that. My DH never wants to call his family....I push him to do it on holidays and even that isn't consistent. I say just let it be and enjoy more time with your own family.

sounds like my fam I only see my DF fam on holidays

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would wait till Thanksgiving to make my decision. Don't stress about about Christmas until you make it through Thanksgiving.

I can't really speak for me about your situation because my dh and I would not put up with that kind of crap, so either we wouldn't be speaking to them a long time ago, had minimal contact or they would have gotten their attitudes in check.

Here is the kicker...my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic and she acts better than your MIL.

 

[DisneyLover83]

She's never asked about it really????

In my case I'm pretty sure I'd hear about it and on top of that it would just send the wrong message...that I was pouting because my birthday 'gift' was late. Which is not what this is about at all.

I currently have a stack of checks from her in our home safe, they date back to 2005. She is trying to buy us over about certain things we disagree about and I refuse to be sucked into that type of relationship. I hope one day my Dh will have it in him to hand them back to her..... wishful thinking on my part.

 

[ma2jr]

I agree the previous posters. Let your DH decide if and when he wants to talk to/see his mother.

I have to agree...

 

[redsunfish]

I would wait till Thanksgiving to make my decision. Don't stress about about Christmas until you make it through Thanksgiving.

Hmm...that sounds like an excellent idea and sage advice. I'll see if they show up and how it goes and then decide what the future will hold.

I feel so sad for my husband through all this. Last night after he hung up with his brother he commented that he's sad that he doesn't have any kind of relationship with his mom and that he's always wished things were different. He wants it so bad and she just pushes him further and further away.

He also mentioned that he wishes he could talk to his father but FIL pretty much follows whatever MIL says so they are kind of a package deal.

Happily my DH and my parents...and especially my dad....get along really really well and I think it makes him happy to have 'parents' who believe in him and think he can succeed. It makes me smile when he picks up the phone to call my dad about a house project they can work on together......with no prodding or input from me!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Let your DH determine his relationship with his family. You're going to get blamed no matter what, so just accept it and move on.

As far as the money, I'd keep it, cash the check and send a thank you note. Just be normal. Stop over-thinking and second and third guessing.

If your MIL is a nut, you perseverating on it isn't going to change that. If they come at Thanksgiving, fine. If they don't, fine. As for Christmas, do what your DH wants.

 

[NotUrsula]

This is 100% the way she is. She is always putting my DH down and making demeaning remarks towards him. She does the same to me but it's when she does it to my husband that I get really upset. She's supposed to be his mom...the person who believes in him most!!

I'm not saying that this is her motivation, but there is actually a school of child-rearing that says that praising children will make them spoiled and complacent, and that the best way to make them strive and succeed is to withhold praise and keep your distance as a parent. My mother was a big proponent of this style, which was well-known around the turn of the last century. She really and sincerely felt that parental affection makes children "soft," and is bad for their character. My dad disagreed, and they fought about it quite often.

Years after Mom's death I was shown letters and photos that my mother had sent to relatives of hers in another country. They were full of affectionate and proud references about her children, and I was just floored. She really did care, but felt that it was important NOT to express that directly to us.