Why do grandparents think they know best??

[JoiseyMom]

It's a control issue. I have to say I was really pissed when MIL cut DD13 hair a few years ago. I was LIVID. She usually takes her for a TRIM..now to me a trim is just enough to get rid of the dead ends. MIL HATES long hair, DH and I felt the opposite. Btw..she cut it herself, when she used to take her to her salon. DD was so upset! Needless to say DH had a few words to say to his mom. His place not mine. She apologized to us..but I was annoyed adn felt that she owed DD an apology since it was her hair!

That was the most major thing, thankfully. There wer times mil didn't give DS his ADHD meds...since she felt he didn't need them..but then she was dealing with his behavior..not us.

I know that when my DS and FDIL have kids, it's their kids, their rules!! I plan to totally respect their wishes! I raised him to be a responsible adult, and my FDIL is fabulous with my kids, so I am not worried.

Ok..I do plan on buying Poohbear stuff and Disney stuff against his wishes...does that count??

 

[padams]

I think some grandparents have difficulty seeing their children as adults. The grands think they are still in charge and it creates a power struggle.

MIL (who is hearing impaired) refused to put a fence around her pool or buy one of those solid pool coverings that can be walked on so once DSs could open the door, we no longer let them stay at MIL's house without us. She doesn't want to ruin the look of her pool area with a fence so she doesn't get the grandkids alone.

 

[NMAmy]

I think she means the plug-in air fresheners. I can't stand the smell of them, and I don't have asthma!

Oh, thank you! See what a sinus infection does to me? I couldn't figure out why anyone would have scented garbage--much less plug it in.

 

[teacherforhi]

My parents and my in-laws always acted like they were doing me a huge favor by babysitting not the other way around.

I'm sorry, but they are not your parents and in-laws' children. They ARE doing you a favor. You actually think you're doing them a favor by them baby sitting for you?

 

[vettechick99]

we're very, very careful with what we give him. Maybe too careful

This is exactly why she did it. She thinks you are too protective and doesn't see the need to exclude these foods from DGS. She obviously doesn't understand the seriousness of his health issues. She needs to get on the same page or I would also limit her time with him.

 

[JerseyJanice]

All I can say is that I hope you remember this thread when you become a grandmother, Piecey.

A little story--my sister-in-law developed placenta previa (I think that was it) with her second pregnancy. My niece was 18 months old at that time, and SIL was forbidden to lift her or run after her. So to keep SIL out of the hospital, my brother would bring my niece down to my parents' house on Monday mornings to stay with us for the week.

This went on for about six months, and every week, my SIL would hand-write pages and pages of instructions for my mother (who raised 5 kids). My mom would take the paper from my brother and promise to follow them to the letter, but as soon as he left the house, she'd crack up laughing and them in the garbage. SIL wasn't telling her how to take care of a baby.

 

[minkydog]

Ugh. My oldest had a variety of food allergies until he was 2 and I couldn't seem to get my mother to comply. She fed him black forest cake and coffee when he was 4 MONTHS OLD. Chocolate syrup, Coke, cow milk,apple juice, spaghetti sauce, all of which were off the list. She said she "just wanted to see what would happen."

 

[minkydog]

I think some grandparents have difficulty seeing their children as adults. The grands think they are still in charge and it creates a power struggle.

MIL (who is hearing impaired) refused to put a fence around her pool or buy one of those solid pool coverings that can be walked on so once DSs could open the door, we no longer let them stay at MIL's house without us. She doesn't want to ruin the look of her pool area with a fence so she doesn't get the grandkids alone.

When we had DS23 my MIL would beg us to come stay at her house. Now,at the time she lived next door to a crack house. She had mice and roaches, so there were droppings and traps EVERYWHERE. Her house was an accident waiting to happen! She told us we should just teach DS(who was under 2) to "not touch" things. She never forgave us for taking a stand(which we did quietly) but I just couldn't spend one night in that house.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

All I can say is that I hope you remember this thread when you become a grandmother, Piecey.

A little story--my sister-in-law developed placenta previa (I think that was it) with her second pregnancy. My niece was 18 months old at that time, and SIL was forbidden to lift her or run after her. So to keep SIL out of the hospital, my brother would bring my niece down to my parents' house on Monday mornings to stay with us for the week.

This went on for about six months, and every week, my SIL would hand-write pages and pages of instructions for my mother (who raised 5 kids). My mom would take the paper from my brother and promise to follow them to the letter, but as soon as he left the house, she'd crack up laughing and them in the garbage. SIL wasn't telling her how to take care of a baby.[/QUOTE]

Not picking on you but things like this is the reason grandparents get the cold shoulder. What your Mom did was really rude. I don't care if she raised 70 children. This wasn't HER child. She should have done what the parents requested and not what she felt like doing. That was very disrespectful.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I guess so, MHM, but my mother was a pistol. She was an RN trained during WWII, and nobody messed with her. My sister-in-law's instructions were highly detailed, like how much Cheerios to give my niece and at what time, how many times to change her diaper, what to give her as a snack, how much of it and at what time, etc.

My mom never saw childcare as all that complicated.

I try to see things from all angles. My poor SIL was laid up and unable to care for her child. The only thing she really could do was write things out as if she were present and somehow directing the care of her baby. It made her feel better to write out instructions and gave her some control over the raising of her firstborn. My mom OTOH did things her way anyhow because that's how she was.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess so, MHM, but my mother was a pistol. She was an RN trained during WWII, and nobody messed with her. My sister-in-law's instructions were highly detailed, like how much Cheerios to give my niece and at what time, how many times to change her diaper, what to give her as a snack, how much of it and at what time, etc.

My mom never saw childcare as all that complicated.

I try to see things from all angles. My poor SIL was laid up and unable to care for her child. The only thing she really could do was write things out as if she were present and somehow directing the care of her baby. It made her feel better to write out instructions and gave her some control over the raising of her firstborn. My mom OTOH did things her way anyhow because that's how she was.

I get what you are saying completely. I am sure your SIL was a bundle of nerves and I too would be upset if on top of everything I couldn't take care of my other child. I guess I just feel that overall the parents should be able to dictate what goes on with their kids. (although her list does seem extreme)I am not uptight in that I don't mind the grandparents giving extra treats etc. but when we had our first it was a struggle because everyone else thought their way was best. I did not care what their way was at all. I wanted things our way. Things still pop up from time to time and I understand that they are all parents too but there are reasons for things and they don't have to agree but they should respect their wishes. JMHO of course.

 

[Bluestars]

When I watch my daughter's children, I listen to what she wants. I don't take it upon myself to let them eat things she doesn't want them to have or do things she doesn't want them to do. I stick to her schedule for the kids.

My daughter's grandmother has watched her kids and she has gotten to the point where she never wants her kids to stay the night because her grandmother never listens to what she wants. She wanted her baby daughter to sleep in a portable crib, but her grandmother let the baby sleep on the bed. She didn't want her son drinking soda, but her grandmother would give him soda. Things like that.

She loves it when I watch the kids because I respect her wishes. They are her children and she is the parent. A little respect goes a long way.

Being a grandparent doesn't give a person free reign to do whatever they want with their grandkids. They should still respect the wishes of the parents.

 

[JerseyJanice]

My mom was an awesome mother and a wonderful grandmother too. Unfortunately, I lost her before I became a mother myself. I do have a wonderful mother-in-law who I'm sure humored me the way I saw my mom humor my SIL. I hope to be that same kind of MIL one day.

I think people need to lighten up--and I'm not talking about anyone on this thread necessarily. While I understand the OP's concern about food allergies, if the child didn't wind up in anaphylactic shock, I wouldn't get that mad at Grandma for feeding him/her whatever she thought was good for the baby.

 

[disney4us2002]

I truly recognize that it is hard to imagine when you're in the moment but people really do mellow with age. When we had our first son (now age 20) we were hyper-vigilent. We refused to let MIL watch him because she was a smoker. We monitored every single thing he did, ate, etc. Eight years later and the third son, we were much calmer and mellowed and amazingly the recommendations that were sooooo important with our first, no longer applied to our last. No longer were children to sleep on their tummies! What? Blasphemy. Children that sleep on their backs jerk themselves awake. Our first two survived sleeping on their tummies and the last one was going to as well. No food until 6 months? Crazy. These big boys (9+ at birth) needed cereal at 4 months. If you have kids more than 5 yrs apart, expect the recommendations to change. Were you wrong before? This is what your parents went thru. What was common practice when they had babies (who have grown to adulthood presumably) may not be common practice today or even 2 yrs after they had their kids. I can't believe the immunizations that are now given to infants and don't recognize many of them. My youngest is 13. That is how quickly pediatrics change.

I don't mean to imply that MIL's (grandparents) have the right to supercede parent's wishes, but just recognize that they do what they do out of love, experience, and wanting the best for their grandbabies. Do you really believe any loving grandparent would choose to do something harmful intentionally? That is a completely different topic and probably belongs on Oprah, lol.

What is the current thinking on why so many kids have allergies these days? Especially allergies to peanuts? Just an afterthought....

 

[marcyinPA]

My kids are 14 and 10. I learned very early on that there are just some things that aren't worth fighting with your parents over. My mom is good with my kids and pretty much follows my DH's and my parenting style when she's with them. My dad, however, (my parents are divorced), is another story. He feeds my kids loads of crap, lets them do whatever they want, and then brings them back ready to be de-programmed. My 14 year old is pretty good about saying "no" to stuff...like 3 bottles of coke, etc. But my 10 year old takes whatever he can get. My dad bought him a "big kids meal" at McD's not too long ago. My DS said he was still hungry, so my dad bought him a double cheeseburger off the Dollar Menu! Then he got him a McFlurry on top of that. When I found out about it, I was not a happy camper. But what was done was done. I asked my dad not to do it again, and his answer was that it was a treat. And thus the reason why I was a fat kid and an overweight adult...food was the way my dad showed his affection.

Anyway, no matter what I say, things won't change, but the kids still want to spend time with their grandfather. Now that they are older, I really REALLY encourage them to stand up and say NO to all the crap he tries to shove down their throats.

Thankfully, they aren't one-on-one with him too often, so no long term damage...and we eat very normal and healthy at home!

 

[cheermom1]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that ..I understand the allergies thing ..my ds is allergic to Tide laundry detergent, and for some odd reason he can't go in a chicken or turkey house...however when I told my parents NOT to take him in their turkey houses they did anyway and I had to rush him the ER with the swelling of the tongue and throat he couldn't breath!!! I never let him go over there again till they moved and don;t have them anymore... sheesh you would think!

he is allergic to other things as well but as bad ...I don't know why they think they can do what they want ..this thing about been there done it is an excuse to me b/c my parents didn't do crap like that when were living at home with us...in fact I remember that my mom got mad at my grandma for letting us have pop...but she won;t listen about allergies???

 

[Piecey]

All I can say is that I hope you remember this thread when you become a grandmother, Piecey.

I plan on being that crazy lady that sits on the beach and drinks daiquiris all day. No babysitting for me!


In all seriousness, my MIL and I have issues and I have no problem biting my lip with the other things she does (she pretty much has an opinion about everything and I never do anything correctly) because it's what my DH needs me to do. It took me awhile to get there but I've figured out we come from two different worlds and I just don't fit into hers. So I go and I sit silently on the couch until DH says it's time to leave. We've gotten along a lot better since I stopped trying.

Like I said, too, we didn't say anything to her about it. Other than to repeatedly stress WHY we are too careful with his foods (the allergies). It's not like I didn't send food- I just sent food that he had already been exposed to and we knew was okay. MIL lives about 45 min. from here and doesn't drive. We were, honestly, a bit concerned that if something happened it would be over an hour before DS could get to a hospital. By the time we found out she'd given him something else it had been a few hours. If he'd had an issue he'd of had it by then... which is why we made the decision to leave him and if she ever asked for him again we'd not let him go (unless he was past this introductory stages of food). It wasn't worth making an issue out of it when a) she wouldn't understand why we were so upset and b) it wouldn't of done any good for any of us.

It was probably DH's coworker that drove me over the edge. I mean, c'mon! Telling me to calm my DH down because his own mother fed his son something that could have really hurt him? I think she is the fruit cake in all of this for sure.

 

[teskak]

Yes well my 5 year old DD stayed with grandma last night.

She did not get to sleep until 10pm (our bed time for her is 7:30 - 8pm)
She got up when grandma got up at 7:30

And the genius bought her a recorder (type of wind instrument in case our term for these things are different)

So now I have to deal with an overtired, cranky child who has a whistle and insists on using it everywhere with tears and tantrums when I take it off her.

I have half a mind to send this poor child back to grandma with the whistle to have her deal with it

 

[NMAmy]

I truly recognize that it is hard to imagine when you're in the moment but people really do mellow with age. When we had our first son (now age 20) we were hyper-vigilent. We refused to let MIL watch him because she was a smoker. We monitored every single thing he did, ate, etc. Eight years later and the third son, we were much calmer and mellowed and amazingly the recommendations that were sooooo important with our first, no longer applied to our last. No longer were children to sleep on their tummies! What? Blasphemy. Children that sleep on their backs jerk themselves awake. Our first two survived sleeping on their tummies and the last one was going to as well. No food until 6 months? Crazy. These big boys (9+ at birth) needed cereal at 4 months. If you have kids more than 5 yrs apart, expect the recommendations to change. Were you wrong before? This is what your parents went thru. What was common practice when they had babies (who have grown to adulthood presumably) may not be common practice today or even 2 yrs after they had their kids. I can't believe the immunizations that are now given to infants and don't recognize many of them. My youngest is 13. That is how quickly pediatrics change.

I don't mean to imply that MIL's (grandparents) have the right to supercede parent's wishes, but just recognize that they do what they do out of love, experience, and wanting the best for their grandbabies. Do you really believe any loving grandparent would choose to do something harmful intentionally? That is a completely different topic and probably belongs on Oprah, lol.

What is the current thinking on why so many kids have allergies these days? Especially allergies to peanuts? Just an afterthought....

I agree with you. The common guidelines cited by the experts for just about everything change so rapidly. Eggs are bad; eggs are great. Babies should only have formula; breastfeeding is best. Babies should sleep on their stomachs; babies should sleep on their backs. When you see these things come and go, you kind of realize that babies are pretty resilient and the experts are likely to change their tune by the time the new mother becomes a grandmother herself.

I understand your position, OP, because I had a kid with food allergies as a baby. She outgrew it, thank heavens. But JerseyJanice's story reminds me of the time my older sister left my nephew with my mom for a week. Her list included what my mom should be doing with the baby at 15 minute intervals throughout the day--including when she should should throw a load of laundry into the washer. My mom totally ignored the list and saved it. After my sister's second child was a baby, she dropped both the kids off with Mom for a week. My mom asked if she had any instructions and my sister told her, "Feed her when she's hungry and change her when she's wet." That's when my mom gave Sis the original instruction list to add to my nephew's baby book. My sister was appalled when she saw what she'd written the first time around.

I was more easygoing because I figured my mom had raised three kids to adulthood and had way more of a track record at this stuff than I did.

 

[golfgal]

All I can say is that I hope you remember this thread when you become a grandmother, Piecey.

A little story--my sister-in-law developed placenta previa (I think that was it) with her second pregnancy. My niece was 18 months old at that time, and SIL was forbidden to lift her or run after her. So to keep SIL out of the hospital, my brother would bring my niece down to my parents' house on Monday mornings to stay with us for the week.

This went on for about six months, and every week, my SIL would hand-write pages and pages of instructions for my mother (who raised 5 kids). My mom would take the paper from my brother and promise to follow them to the letter, but as soon as he left the house, she'd crack up laughing and them in the garbage. SIL wasn't telling her how to take care of a baby.

This is EXACTLY why a lot of Grandparents go against the wishes of their kids--WAY too many people these days parent out of a book. The book says they have to eat 20 Cheerios so by golly they WILL eat 20 Cheerios. I understand that if your child has food allergies it is a different story but for the rest of the kids, is it REALLY going to hurt them if Grandma gives them a cookie??

Our kids knew full well they could do things at Grandma and Grandpa's that they couldn't do at our house. We never had a problem with them coming home and wanting to do those things at our house.

Now, there are basic safety issues that if they don't follow I wouldn't let my kids stay-like no fence around a pool or refusing to use a car seat but is it really an issue if they get to stay up late one night at Grandma's? If they are cranky, send them to their room for a nap .

I feel sorry for all the Grandparents that have to deal with the hyperparenting today.