Why do grandparents think they know best??

[mjkacmom]

Wow! Your in-laws are completely disregarding food related allergy issues, especially when dictated by your child's pediatrician? My dd has food allergies and I would be livid if our family just thought they knew best and did not care what we needed to do to keep her healthy (and in some cases just breathing). That is inexcusable! No way would my child be spending the night with grandparents I couldn't trust to keep them safe. There comes a point in life that no matter how much you love your extended family, your kids health and well being come first over someone's feelings.

Other issues, like discipline, eating cookies late at night, well, we just deal with them. We are happy to have extended family in our lives and realize that the kids adore the grandparents. They don't get to see them often, so many of the little things slide.

I don't think the OP said her child had allergies. She just is careful to introduce new foods in such a way as to make sure her child doesn't have food allergies. I'm lucky - both set of grandparents never went against anything I asked. However, TBH, I was probably more over-the-top with my first baby than my last. Everything had to be by the book, and even more strict than the book (I remember asking my pediatrician when I had to stop sterilizing the bottles - which I boiled and removed from the pot with tongs, and places on a fresh towel - and she told me now, and they never had to be sterilized in the first place).

Edited after reading the PP - OMG, when dd13 was about 8, my mom showed me one of my "lists" - we had a good laugh!

 

[mjkacmom]

Lucas isn't typical, that is why it made us so mad. We've been in and out of the pediatrician's office with various rashes/bleeding/etc. caused by foods (or cow's milk) so we're very, very careful with what we give him. Maybe too careful, but oh well... it won't kill him.
.

Is it eczema? Most of my kids had this, lots of rashes that bled. We never found out the reason - basically just treated it with steriods. Some outgrew it, some got it later on. Only dd13 was spared.

Is your ds allergic to milk? We gave all of the kids yogurt and cheese when they were babies, but not milk to drink. My sister's ds had a severe milk allergy, but he did outgrow it by the age of 3.

 

[luvsJack]

I have an eighteen year old daughter who plays athletics and has had bouts of asthma. During her season I am extremely careful as far as her diet goes. Yesterday she begged for some coffee concoction at the donut shop. Well she played last night and lord and behold she had a incident. We have been incident free for about two years. Today grandpa calls as he does everyday it is so irritating as she has so outgrown this. He asks me since she was walking out the door if she got her coffee drink. He also said tell her tohave this and that for dinner tommorrow which is something I would have to make. He must have been asking her for days when she was going to gett this as he is totally obsessed. He calls everyday and she has not even gotten a chance to take her coat off or get a snack. Sometims she refuses to talk an I have tried to tell them that she is not three she is an adult but it does no good? She I know cannot stand it sometimes if they called once a week that would be great? Any suggestions? Take this instance and multiply it by 100 and this scenario is mild. I have told them they need to move on with their lives they have other grandchildren and oh they live three hours away thank god.

Is your fil lonely? It sounds kind of sad that he finds it necessary to call her everyday. How did he know she wanted a coffee drink if they live 3 hours away? Do they come to her games? Maybe he is just really wanting to be a part of her sports.

I know its frustrating to her and to you; but remind her that one day he will be gone and she really will miss those calls.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes well my 5 year old DD stayed with grandma last night.

She did not get to sleep until 10pm (our bed time for her is 7:30 - 8pm)
She got up when grandma got up at 7:30

And the genius bought her a recorder (type of wind instrument in case our term for these things are different)

So now I have to deal with an overtired, cranky child who has a whistle and insists on using it everywhere with tears and tantrums when I take it off her.

I have half a mind to send this poor child back to grandma with the whistle to have her deal with it

But did she enjoy her time with grandma? That's the important thing. (I know, I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment when you have a tired child with noise makers; but it really is)

 

[MIGrandma]

Your MIL overstepped her bounds.

I am a Grandma to 5, ages 16 down to 1. I babysit fairly often for my DD's two (ages 5 and 1) and I would not give them food that I knew their parents didn't approve of, or try to introduce new foods to them without clearing it with their parents first. It's just not my place to do that, grandparent or not.

I don't do anything with my grandchildren that isn't approved by the parents. Parents have the right to decide what is best for their children, and if the grandparents won't abide by that, they shouldn't be babysitting.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

For various health and allergy reasons, we are very careful about what foods and when we introduce them to Lucas. My MIL took Lucas for a few days and when DH called (from work) to check on them he found out his mother had disregarded our instructions and gone to the store to buy food she thought he should have instead of what we sent (her exact words were that our pediatrician doesn't know..poop..).

We've been in and out of the pediatrician's office with various rashes/bleeding/etc. caused by foods (or cow's milk) so we're very, very careful with what we give him.

I don't think the OP said her child had allergies.

OP says her son has allergies, gave grandparents specific food and instructions from the pediatrician. Kid has been to doctor for rashes and bleeding.

 

[Kies99]

I'm right there with you OP. Almost punched my FIL last night. We're doing some painting which we just started yesterday. Last night he launches into how we did it wrong. WE JUST STARTED AND ARE NOT DONE!!

My parents are totally not like my in-laws, especially when it comes to the kids. They listen to us and to the kids instead of going against us.

Of course my parents will spoil the kids, but they respect our parenting style and recognize that while it may be different from theirs, these are our kids not theirs.

My in-laws think my wife and I are still kids most of the time.

 

[shortbun]

This is a tough one. My mom never asked or offered to see my son. When she found out she was going to be a grandmother, her comment was, 'Don't expect me to be your babysitter.' My husband's mother fed our son dairy and food dye-both allergies. He threw up on her at her house. She never did it again. I think she thought we were overreacting or over protective. After that, she followed all our procedures and cautions. I can laugh over it with her now and I managed to keep my mouth shut when it happened-very glad I did. Our son is 14 and he's really a healthy eater-doesn't drink much soda, avoids empty calories in desserts BUT the one thing he can not say no to is his grandmother's cooking. She spoils him rotten-homemade everything that he loves when he's there and not always healthy. I just smile and he has even said that we don't get to see Grandma every week so it's probably not going to hurt him. I agree, she loves him and unless I see her endangering his life, I'm just going to let her be herself. He loves it.

 

[turkeymama]

My mom was an awesome mother and a wonderful grandmother too. Unfortunately, I lost her before I became a mother myself. I do have a wonderful mother-in-law who I'm sure humored me the way I saw my mom humor my SIL. I hope to be that same kind of MIL one day.

I think people need to lighten up--and I'm not talking about anyone on this thread necessarily. While I understand the OP's concern about food allergies, if the child didn't wind up in anaphylactic shock, I wouldn't get that mad at Grandma for feeding him/her whatever she thought was good for the baby.

I'm not picking on you. I'm just using this sentence to make a comment. This is what I think is a common misconception about food allergies in general. Some people (not you, again, only using this as a general comment) assume that if a child eats something and doesn't suffer anaphylactic shock, they must not be allergic. That isn't true. My daughter is extremely allergic to dairy, but her reactions are not always that extreme. Sometimes, she breaks out in hives, but doesn't have the swelling of the tongue. Sometimes, she has swelling in the face only. Once, she got cheese in her eye (yes, her eye. thanks little brother), and her entire eye swelled shut, but nothing else.

So, my in-laws thought we were overreacting just because my daughter didn't stop breathing when they exposed her to a dairy protein.

 

[Ephany]

My ex-DBF's Mom used to terrify me with the way she cared for her grandkids.

ex's sister and her husband specifically told her Mom not to take infant grandbaby into bed with her at night to go to sleep. she was afraid that the baby would get hurt (the grandma is significantly overweight and doesn't move fast / well and the grandfather has slow reaction time as well). If they all fell asleep in the bed and rolled onto the baby...

Her Mom (the grandma) did it anyway. al the time. and when i discovered it she just told me to "not worry - it's not a big deal - I did it all the time with my kids".

Yeah, but you were younger, lighter and much more spry. Now - not so much.

I would NEVER in a million years leave our kids overnight with her until they were at least 5. thank goodness we broke up before kids were in the picture.

My MIL did that once, and only once with DD. They had certainly never discussed sleeping with DD and in fact had bought a crib to use at their house. It had never occurred to us that they would sleep with her. DH was beyond livid (as was I) when they told him and he told them in no uncertain terms that it wasn't going to happen again. He said that they hadn't co-slept with him or any of his siblings, so he had no idea where this had came from. I have no problem with co-sleeping, I actually co-slept with DD when DH was deployed. However they were not in a physical condition to have an infant in bed with them, much less my infant without discussing it with us.

Of course this is the same MIL who'd slip DD soda as an infant as well as spaghetti when she thought I wasn't looking. DD was 3 months at that time; I don't care what she did in the 70's, my 3 month old did not need that type of solid food yet. Oddly enough, my SIL is waaaay more restrictive than I am so now I'm the 'reasonable one'.

When we had DS23 my MIL would beg us to come stay at her house. Now,at the time she lived next door to a crack house. She had mice and roaches, so there were droppings and traps EVERYWHERE. Her house was an accident waiting to happen! She told us we should just teach DS(who was under 2) to "not touch" things. She never forgave us for taking a stand(which we did quietly) but I just couldn't spend one night in that house.

My friend did something similar with their first child. They rented a house that had mulptiple levels and stairs. When her little started walking I asked if they had put baby gates on the stairs. She said no, they were going to teach her 'to just stay away from the stairs'. I couldn't believe they were serious, but she was convinced that they would be able to teach a toddler this. Needless to say after the first trip to the ER when the little one took a header down the stairs, they bought baby gates.

 

[Piecey]

Is it eczema? Most of my kids had this, lots of rashes that bled. We never found out the reason - basically just treated it with steriods. Some outgrew it, some got it later on. Only dd13 was spared.

Is your ds allergic to milk? We gave all of the kids yogurt and cheese when they were babies, but not milk to drink. My sister's ds had a severe milk allergy, but he did outgrow it by the age of 3.

Yes, it's eczema but that isn't what I'm saying bleeds. He had the skin issues before we introduced solids so his Dr. just told me to watch those areas and if they got worse we knew that was a food to flag.

We've found blood in his stool after certain foods (cow's milk was the first). His pediatrician asked us to wait until he was a year before we introduced other dairy products. He's hoping it's just an intolerance and not an allergy.

Let me just say that people give you some strange looks when you walk into the pediatrician's office carrying a bag of poopy diapers for them to test for blood.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

When I watch my daughter's children, I listen to what she wants. I don't take it upon myself to let them eat things she doesn't want them to have or do things she doesn't want them to do. I stick to her schedule for the kids.

My daughter's grandmother has watched her kids and she has gotten to the point where she never wants her kids to stay the night because her grandmother never listens to what she wants. She wanted her baby daughter to sleep in a portable crib, but her grandmother let the baby sleep on the bed. She didn't want her son drinking soda, but her grandmother would give him soda. Things like that.

She loves it when I watch the kids because I respect her wishes. They are her children and she is the parent. A little respect goes a long way.

Being a grandparent doesn't give a person free reign to do whatever they want with their grandkids. They should still respect the wishes of the parents.

Your MIL overstepped her bounds.

I am a Grandma to 5, ages 16 down to 1. I babysit fairly often for my DD's two (ages 5 and 1) and I would not give them food that I knew their parents didn't approve of, or try to introduce new foods to them without clearing it with their parents first. It's just not my place to do that, grandparent or not.

I don't do anything with my grandchildren that isn't approved by the parents. Parents have the right to decide what is best for their children, and if the grandparents won't abide by that, they shouldn't be babysitting.

You girls are awesome! You totally get it!

 

[mouseforcemom]

My Mom, God love her, kept telling me for years "There's nothing wrong with him" re: my son. We had him in speech therapy, occupational therapy, finally had him tested and placed in developmental pre-K. This year he was diagnosed autistic. My Mom still won't let it go. "Any child who can say helicopter at 2 there's nothing wrong with. He doesn't need meds or any of that whatsits. Just leave him alone and he'll be fine." GAH!