Why can't parents be happy for their kids?

[bumcat]

Elmosmom I didn't think you sounded that way at all.

 

[Pembo]

Why can't parents be happy for their kids?

I don't know. Dh & I stopped talking to his parents a few years ago for many reasons, including I wasn't good enough.

 

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by elmosmom
I'am afraid I don't express myself very well in these posts. In rereading my post I look awfully shallow and alot like a big old witch! I never talked about these things to anyone other then my husband and now this board. Right from the beginning she and her son were always welcome in my home. We get along very well and I think we are friends. We don't see them on holidays etc because they live 5 hours away and work schedules prevent much travel.
My own in-laws were never friendly and I never felt welcome there so I promised myself I would not ever be like that.

elmosmom, that's not how I read your post at all.

Val, I don't know what to say, except that you must be a saint.

My brother's wife is Haitian. At first, my mom had trouble accepting the fact that my brother had chosen a black woman as his wife, but she never told my brother about her reservations. I think she was worried about what "others" would say and think and how it reflected on her. I told my mom to remember the way I was treated by DH's family.

My brother and SIL have been married almost 4 years. Whenever we all get together as a family and go out, my brother and SIL get the judging "looks". I always stare back at those that stare at them, stops them in their tracks. My mom has heard really hurtful and derogatory comments about my SIL's skin color. One family member went as far as to ask my mom (at a funeral) what happened to my brother to make him choose a black wife. My mom has never told my brother any of these things, she confides in me. She has told off her "friends" and even family members in my brother and SIL's defense.

I realize that all people are raised differently. However... what's really important? Is it what your "friends" think or for your child and his/her spouse to feel validated and accepted? To me, the choice is obvious.

 

[TigerBear]

Originally posted by elmosmom
I'am afraid I don't express myself very well in these posts. In rereading my post I look awfully shallow and alot like a big old witch!

Add me to the list of those that don't think that you sounded like a witch... only that you didn't feel this woman was good enough for your son. I think it says a lot about you that you value the happiness she brings into your son's life. Many in-laws would never acknowledge that...

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I think we have certain asperations for our children and when they do not meet "ours" we are disappointed. I, too, believe that that some of us think...gee..what would the family say?

I think both sets of parents felt this way at the beginning of DH and I's relationship. My mother didn't quite trust the 'uptown' guy I'd brought home and was obviously nuts over. MIL didn't quite trust that the freak from the wrong side of the tracks (and poor to boot!) would fit into her family. Almost 10 years later (we've been together since '96, married since '99), I think both sides have grown to accept us for who and what we are, thank goodness. I'm not sure when it happened for MIL, but I know exactly when it happened for my own mother.

After we'd been dating for a few months, my stepfather had a heart attack and had to have a triple bypass. On the day we took him to the hospital, I called and left a msg on DH's pager to go pay some of my bills and I'd pay him back later, explaining the situation we were in. Not only did he go pay my bills, but he came to the hospital and sat with myself and my mother, holding her hand throughout the whole 2 wk ordeal of his triple bypass and recovery. I think after that my mother believed (and still does to a point) that he can do no wrong.

With DH's family it was a bit trickier. I think DFIL accepted me from the start because we are from the same kind of poor, working-class background. MIL was tougher to get through to and sometimes I wonder about her. We are NOTHING alike and have absolutely nothing in common, except for our immense love of DH and now her soon-to-come grandson James.

I know I am not wh at MIL probably had pictured in mind for her precious son but I am what she got because that's what he chose. And in the end..whenever I feel like she's being a pain about something, I have to remind myself of that. HE chose ME.

TOV