Why are people so hateful?

[AMVmom]

There was nothing wrong with what you did. I understand that I personally would not have wanted to leave the building with my other child still in there (I'm just paranoid) and you still had to take care of your DD too. I think that initially the mother offering to help you was a nice gesture; however the later comment to the "audience" of "well I tried, some people" is RUDE. I give you tons of credit as I think I would've broken down in tears at that point from frustration, embarrassment, exhaustion, etc.

You are an for doing all you do for your kids and doing your best. I have a similar personality where I cannot forget easily and I let these things get to me for a long time. Just know that I think you did right as did many PP and send you a .

 

[Brightsy]

Oh have I been there!
We were at a Chuck E Cheese's, usually a place of great joy for both my ADHD Son (9) and my HFA son (7). It was for my 7 yr. old's b-day. It was just me, the boys and DH that day. There were a few b-day parties going on. We explained to my son that we were going, just us 4, and that we would have cake and stuff when we got home. Well, he saw Chuck come out and saw the other kids' cakes and he went nuts. I had him in a corner w/ me, passively restraining him, cooing at him and rubbing his back. This will almost always calm him down...given time! This Mom came up to me, and mind we were in a far corner, by ourselves, well away from any other people. SHe told me I should take my son outside if he was going to "misbehave." She went on to say that a son as big as mine (he's large-ish for his age) shouldn't behave that way.
I told her that my son is autistic and I couldn't move him just then. Between the weather outside (pretty chilly) I could'nt get him to the table, into his coat and outside safely or sanely. Not only that but I was just getting him to calm a little and if I moved us an inch he'd start up again. And if I even tried to get him outside he'd think we were leaving and he'd fuss even worse!
She told me that if he had problems (her words) then I might want to reconsider bringing him around other kids where he might hurt them! My son and I, as I said, were far away from other people! I was livid! I was saved by my DH who had finally noticed the situation (he had been playing with our other son and saw us when they went to the table for pizza). He told the lady to butt out and go home and read something about autism before giving "advice."
Did it end there?? No... she spoke to the manager who then came over and asked us what the problem was. By this time I had my son pretty well calmed down and was in the comforting mode. I told the manager that my son has autism and he said "Say no more." He went over and spoke to the lady and that was the end of it. She looked at us weirdly a few more times but didn't speak to me again. My son calmed all the way down and grabbed his tokens and went back to playing, as if nothing had happened. He had a wonderful rest of his b-day!

 

[blondietink]

Just got back from Disney On Ice. My DS, age 16 with Autism was sitiing very nicely, or so I thought. At intermission, the lady sitting 3 spaces down from us asked me to please have my DS stop doing "that" because it was scaring her son. "That" was drawing in the air with his pencil. I told the lady, no I couldn't do that because he has Autism and that's what he does to remember things he sees. Mind you, this was the same lady who arrived 10 minutes into the show and made everybody in the row of seats get up and move so she could get to her seats.

So, this ticks me off. I take my DS for a walk and talk with my DH about it. I think. When we return to our seats, I make my DS with Down Syndrome, age 18, sit in my other son's seat and vice versa. I just wonder how she liked that arrangement when she sat down and now she had a grunting unintelligible person sitting next to her. Oh and by the way, she was also late getting to her seat after intermission and made us all stand up and move for her and her family again! Be careful what you wish for .....

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Nicole- I think you did the best you could. Is the studio aware of your situation? I would make sure they are so you can get their support. I agree that Caitie should absolutely not be taken outside during one of these- especially if she is an elopement risk. Indoors there are walls between you and the cars. Outdoors. That mom may have started out trying to help, but she crossed the line when she attempted to dictate how you handle your own child. I'm sorry she did that.

At least it sounds like some of the other parents were understanding of the situation.

 

[BeckyScott]

Nicole, re: the flyers, what I did was to go to a couple of the autism websites and copy/view the info onto a Word doc.

I did credit the sources. Many of them have very similar info, the "signs of autism" are the same no matter what site you go to, as they are the DSM criteria. Etc, etc. I just googled "autism awareness flyers" and there were a ton of hits. Many are vaccine-heavy though, that's up to you.

I'd made a huge batch of autism awareness ribbons so those were attached. But that takes a bunch of time, maybe that can be your spring project. There isn't a local source for the ribbon, so I end up getting it off of ebay and it's a huge pain. Speaking of (sigh), I guess it's about time for me to go shopping again. I've made them for 3 years now, I have a reputation to maintain.

 

[Schmeck]

Just got back from Disney On Ice. My DS, age 16 with Autism was sitiing very nicely, or so I thought. At intermission, the lady sitting 3 spaces down from us asked me to please have my DS stop doing "that" because it was scaring her son. "That" was drawing in the air with his pencil. I told the lady, no I couldn't do that because he has Autism and that's what he does to remember things he sees. Mind you, this was the same lady who arrived 10 minutes into the show and made everybody in the row of seats get up and move so she could get to her seats.

So, this ticks me off. I take my DS for a walk and talk with my DH about it. I think. When we return to our seats, I make my DS with Down Syndrome, age 18, sit in my other son's seat and vice versa. I just wonder how she liked that arrangement when she sat down and now she had a grunting unintelligible person sitting next to her. Oh and by the way, she was also late getting to her seat after intermission and made us all stand up and move for her and her family again! Be careful what you wish for .....

When you knew someone was scared by your son's behavior (it wasn't a sharpened pencil, I hope?) it was kind of you to move your son away from the other boy.

 

[blondietink]

Yes, never a sharpened pencil in his hands. Only pencils that are new, never been sharpened, or markers.

 

[lorac4disney]

Ireland Nicole, You were totally and completely right in your response and how you handled the situation. Above the obnoxious comments and poorly mannered undertones, you kept your priorities. You kept your children first.

That in and of itself is a challenging and nearly impossible feat when you have parents of other children who have not a single clue what it is like to walk a mile in your shoes looking down their nose in judgement of you and your responses. They don't know. They don't have a single clue. They've never had to LIVE IT.

As Jesus says, Forgive them for they know not what they do. This has calmed more more times than I care to admit when dealing with outsiders over my autistic daughter's outbursts. I'm not particularly religious, but I have respect for what the man sacrificed in an effort to bring humanity to a whole new level. He paid the ultimate price: his life.

Nicole, they are meerly getting a small glimpse at what you go through. Forgive them for their ignorance. Hold your head up. Just by living your life and giving your children the best opportunities that you can, you are enlightening a whole new generation of people. The other children in the maritial arts class will take your actions to heart while absorbing the lessons of the masters.

I am Asian of foreign birth. I know those lessons well for a multitude of all orders. Respect for all life regardless of how different or foreign is the most fundamental of all regardless of what discipline. Even with the deadly arts, kill, but only with deep and profound respect for life and only under the greater good for life and humanity. Respect for life is FUNDAMENTAL. Mercy for those less fortunate is to honor your ancestors as they were once less fortunate too.

Talk to the Master of the martial arts school. Tell that person of what this undisciplined person said to you. I have no doubt that you will never have to experience that again unless the Master is unschooled and only there for the money. If so, you should pull your children immediately as such greed has no room being allowed to influence any young child.

I'm not a quiet type of person, so I have no hesitation at going to the top. Cross me, fine. Cross my children, hades have mercy on you because I WON'T.

I grew up on the cruel streets of Saigon as a forgotten child. I was taken in by a Master who was impressed with my instinctual fighting style. He was a monk. I was defeated many times and I always kept fighting despite my small stature. I have many regrets due to the savagry of fighting for your life. It seemed like a lifetime before my father rescued me.

Go as high up as you need to, even to the Founding Fathers of the martial arts school. They all obey the highest rules. What happened there was wrong and NOT allowed as it disobeyed the fundamental laws of right and wrong. Black and white. Ying and Yang.

Hold true to right and keep your head up. You taught your children and the others more by your dignity than you realize.

 

[LuvsTinker]

I think you handled it just fine (((Hugs)))

 

[LuvsTinker]

Just got back from Disney On Ice. My DS, age 16 with Autism was sitiing very nicely, or so I thought. At intermission, the lady sitting 3 spaces down from us asked me to please have my DS stop doing "that" because it was scaring her son. "That" was drawing in the air with his pencil. I told the lady, no I couldn't do that because he has Autism and that's what he does to remember things he sees. Mind you, this was the same lady who arrived 10 minutes into the show and made everybody in the row of seats get up and move so she could get to her seats.

So, this ticks me off. I take my DS for a walk and talk with my DH about it. I think. When we return to our seats, I make my DS with Down Syndrome, age 18, sit in my other son's seat and vice versa. I just wonder how she liked that arrangement when she sat down and now she had a grunting unintelligible person sitting next to her. Oh and by the way, she was also late getting to her seat after intermission and made us all stand up and move for her and her family again! Be careful what you wish for .....

 

[Disneylvr]

Thank you, all of you, for posting your stories and your responses to the situations.... DD with autism is 5 almost 6 and gone are the days when people assumed her "behaviors" were just her age. We are now experiencing the ocassional rude comment and staring when we take her out amongst the neurotypical. For the most part, people are kind and helpful and don't treat DD like she is different despite her stimming and loud outbursts. We live in a diverse culture and that includes neuro-diversity! I wish more parents would use this as an opportunity to educate themselves and their children.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks again, ya'll. I really appreciate your responses, support and ideas- and I've loved hearing your stories too, (especially Disney on Ice, I'm cracking up thinking about the second act...) And I will be making up some flyers, too. Maybe the best thing in this, is being able to share our experiences, and our unique and useful ways of dealing with them. It reminds me that my family isn't alone, and I appreciate that. FWIW, I actually smiled at that mom and had a brief conversation with her this week. There's no point in holding grudges, and I think maybe she'll do a little research on her own time. Maybe I'm finally learning the balance between advocating and not being obnoxious (then again, )

 

[LuvsTinker]

FWIW, I actually smiled at that mom and had a brief conversation with her this week. There's no point in holding grudges, and I think maybe she'll do a little research on her own time. Maybe I'm finally learning the balance between advocating and not being obnoxious (then again, )

Good for you

 

[churchpilot]

Your blessing came in when you didn't respond to this Mom's reaction. While her initial action might have been to help you and your child, her motives were revealed by her hurtful comments. I admit I don't understand what you live with on a daily basis, but I do know when I see a parent struggling with a child, I hardly think it is sport and something they are choosing to do or taking lightly. My 3 year old was playing on some outdoor play equipment while I was watching my oldest son at soccer practice. I heard my 3 year old screaming from the second story of this huge play structure and another child about 8 years old was trying to shove him off!!! I went flying and screaming at this child to stop. This child's mother came flying at me and screaming at me to stop screaming. I don't remember this because all I knew is I had to get beneath my child in case he fell. Another mother scrambled up and grabbed my child's arm as he started to topple off. Long story short, this child is autistic and has sensory problems. My son, evidently, was stomping on the metal floor and this completely over stimulated this little boy. While I was still shaken from the incident, but quite content to have my son safe, two other moms unloaded on the little boy's mother about keeping him away from "other children"! She came up to me, crying and apologetic, and explained to me why her son did what he did. I though my heart was going to break. While I knew I had to keep my son safe, I also knew that I could teach him that it is not always appropriate to play loudly or scream if we knew this would affect other children adversely. I don't know what the answer is for this mom---she just wanted her child to be able to play too. She later told me that she has never been extended this kind of understanding and kindness toward her or her child. I'm sure flyers would help, but what probably changed it for your "upset mom" was that you didn't strike back and add fuel to the fire. Blessings to your and your family.