Whos side are you on?

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think the daughter had every right to talk to bio dad, BUT I think she should have let the mom and step dad know right away instead of letting them find out in a roundabout way. That's what would have really hurt me if I were the mother (or step dad) in this situation. I think she could have kept some feelings from being hurt if she'd done that.

 

[delilah]

I think the parents are wrong, and the daughter is right. I had parents who were ultra secretive in every way, and didn't want us to have contact with our extended family. Now, my dad and his siblings are deceased, and my mom was estranged from her one of her sisters, who may still be alive, and another sister who I have contact with. I have boxes of pictures, and I don't know who they are, because my parents wouldn't tell me, and the people who might know are gone. I can go no further back in my dad's parents, who immigrated from Europe in about 1920 or so. I don't know where they came from in Europe, or if they had siblings. I can find my grandmother on the Ellis Island website, but nobody who meets the description and demographics of my grandfather, who died when I was about 3 mos old.

It is normal for children to be curious about their origins, and any adult is within their rights to establish a relationship with another adult. If the daughter establishes a relationship with her biological father, she may learn for herself why her mom reacted as she did to her ex-husband.

 

[kellyg403]

IMHO, parents aren't 'wrong' per se but definitely misguided and definitely too sensitive about the issue 40 years later. Not speaking to the dd is definitely wrong because it really just makes THEIR relationship with their dd go south. And she is going to need them. 40 years old or not.

My dad left years ago. Came around one day when I was in my 20's. The man could have past me on the street and I would have never known he was my bio father. I spoke to him a few times. Mom found out and was really hurt because I never said anything. Its not like she ever said anything about him good or bad. He just wasn't a topic of conversation and my stepdad was my father since I was about 3. To make a long story short...turned out my bio dad was still the piece of work he was years ago. My mom was upset because he told a bunch of stories about what went on like I needed to know. Personal things that were between him and my mom that really, quite frankly were not any of my business and were not pertinent to the father/daughter relationship. He made it a point to find out my mom's new name, obviosly through me since I didn't think anything of it, and called her to tell her what he was going to tell me abouther. She was devistated. He also spent the better part of the three hours I saw him discussing the many excuses/reasons he had for not coming around and they all involved my mom being the bad guy. It was the worst experience. I had disapointed my mother, I honestly could not stand the guy who was my bio and was quite sure I would have have left him too if I was married to him and my last but not least my step dad who never said a word but was disappointed because he thought I thought he wasn't a good enough person. It took several years for us to get past it. But, my parents never stopped talking to me. Simply because my biodad showed his true colors and that was hurtful enough.

Hope all works out for the parties in this family. There are going to be some hurt feelings and dd is going to need her mom. On the 3rd one hour 'lunch' visit with my bio I knew I would never see him again. She may find herself in the same boat. Remind her parents...the same reason they don't like him is the same reason he will probably hurt the dd and she will need them.

Kelly

 

[bubie2.5]

The parents are wrong, VERY wrong. But if I were the daughter, with mom having breast cancer, I wouldn't waste any time fighting them, just a simple "Please forgive me for hurting your feelings".

It's a no win for everyone, I hope it gets resolved for the holidays.

 

[TwingleMum]

This is a hard situation. There are 40 yrs of hurt, anger and a myriad of emotions behind the reactions. Parenting is a 24/7 7 days a week job. I'm sure in some way the Mom and Dad (lets get someting straight this man is the Dad not the guy who contributed DNA) he was there for the late night fevers, skinned knees, acne, raging hormones and scary boyfirends. The other guy walzes in 40 yrs later because his Mom dies and he suddenly realizes "hey I don't want to be alone when I die". So he contacts on DD. Then the DD doesn't tell her parents. The she knew how they'd react doesn't cut it with me. Its not the point. The DD is an adult she should have told them from the beginning guess who contacted me. Talk it out. Try to slowly let them get used to the idea the creep is trying to have a relationship with the DD.If after a while they still are resistant then tell them "You know what I need to talk to him for XYZ reason it doesn't mean I've forgotten that he wasn't there for 40 yrs and you were. It doesn't mean I love you less it just means he has some puzzle pieces I need to explore right now. Blind siding them with I have a relationship with the @#$% who abandoned me wasn't the best way to handle it either.

I'm also sure there is a fair amont of fear on the parents side. They don't know what the future holds for Mom. And they are trying to do things (like trip to WDW) to focus on the family and making memories with Mom. I think if I was one of the DD I would talk to Dad and try to help mend Mom and Dsis before its too late. I would suggest that neither side can like the fact that the jerk is in DD life but they can agree to disagree. And DD can see El jerko but that Mom & Dad don't need to hear about it.

I don't think there is a right or wrong side. Its just sad.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Mom has 4 kids with husband. Husband runs off leaving them 2 months behind on the rent, never to be heard from again. Mom re-marries man she met about 3 years later. He raises the 4 children as his own (ranging from 6-10 years old), and has one more with Mom.

Fast forward about 40 years, and one of the orignal 4 kids is contacted by the bio father. She has a few phone calls with him over the course of about a year, never tells anyone. He tells her that his mother has just died and asks her to meet him at the funeral. Through a round about way, Mom and adopted Dad find out about this, and are livid. They are mad because she did it behind their backs, and (I guess) because she had any contact with him at all. Mom feels that if daughter wanted to know anything about him, she should have asked Mom. Adopted Dad send a few emails back and forth with her, and the daughter decides to stop talking to Mom and adopted Dad because of the emails that were sent. I've read the emails, and what was said (by adopted Dad) wasn't very nice - he said it out of hurt I guess. Adopted Dad also sent all the emails out to other members of the family... Like me who didn't want to know about ANY of this drama.

So what do you think? Do Mom and adopted Dad have the right to be SO upset about this? Keep in mind, this has totally ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our 18 person family trip to Disney 2 days after Christmas. Oh, and by the way, the reason we were doing this huge family vacation is because Mom has breast cancer, and we don't know if we will ever have a chance to all get together like this again.

Does the daughter have the right to talk to her bio father? Should she have gone about it in a different way, i.e. tell Mom and adopted Dad before she responded to his initial contact?

Thoughts?

Without reading any of the other posts so I won't be swayed, my first impression is that the daughter is an adult now, at least in her 40's. If she were an underaged teenager who went behind the mom and adopted dad's backs, then I can see why the parent would be livid.

However, since the daughter is over 40, she is well within her rights to talk to her bio father. Her parents can be livid all they want, but they shouldn't try use their anger to control their children (or be surprised when that tactic no longer works on their adult child).

If the daughter has chosen not to go to the family reunion or spend the holidays with her family because of that, then that's the daughter's decision. The holiday plans won't be ruined unless the rest of the family allows the holiday plans to be ruined by continually bringing up the missing person's behaviors and actions.

All are adults now and must live their lives as they see fit.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Yes, the mom and step dad have the right to be upset and hurt and let her know why. But it sounds like the daughter is the one that cut off ties because she "didn't like what was said in some e-mails". So her "dad" takes off when she is a child and then swoops back in as an adult and all is forgiven, but a few harsh e-mails and SHE cuts off contact???

I'm with the parents on this one.

I suspect the daughter cut the relationship off because of her parent's reactions to her when she showed them the email. Yes, the emails could have been harsh, but the mother and father have total control over their own reactions when they found out about it. Sounds like they blew up at the initial reveal (understandable) but kept the level of bitterness going for days and weeks later and are still holding on to their anger.

It could be that the mother focused totally on damning the daughter's behavior instead of being rational, sitting down with her daughter to discuss it, and letting her daughter know that she wasn't comfortable with that man coming back into her life in any way.

It sounds like the daughter knew of her parent's "my way or the highway" attitudes so that's why she kept it from her parents for a year. Once she unburdoned herself, her parents behaved the way she thought they would, high drama ensued, and the daughter gave up and decided not to ruin her own holidays by spending them listening to her parent's accusations, name-calling and livid retribution whenever they saw her.

 

[ginna74]

comming from a person that is adopted by my stepdad (father wanted her to get abortion), and who has a daughter who is 16 and her bio dad has JUST now been showing himself and wanting in on the best show on earth. I know where the Mother and "step dad" are coming from COMPLETELY. They have a right to be upset with her. She and he have raised the kids without one dollar, without one I love you too her babies, and without one bit of caring. He dumped them and "daughter" should have EXPECTED this and no one should be upset of their reaction, or suprized. Going behind their back I think was just wrong. She should have told the mom and went from there.... Being blindsided probably makes her feel like dodo.

 

[TwinsinCA]

It sounds like the daughter knew of her parent's "my way or the highway" attitudes so that's why she kept it from her parents for a year. Once she unburdoned herself, her parents behaved the way she thought they would, high drama ensued, and the daughter gave up and decided not to ruin her own holidays by spending them listening to her parent's accusations, name-calling and livid retribution whenever they saw her.

But the *daughter* is the one who gave up. I have not read a thing indicating that the parents are choosing to sever the ties. Yet they are the ones being vilified here. I really don't get it.

 

[ktink]

As someone who was raised from the age of 2 by a stepdad, who I gladly call daddy. I honestly feel like the daughter should have let her parents know from the beginning. I don't agree with the actions of her parents, however, I feel they are not so much angry as trying to protect their daughter that THEY have loved and raised.

I had visits and a relationship w/ my bio dad but I knew who my daddy was. My parents never once tried to sway me, my mom cried many times over the years as I only learned once I was an adult. When I would decide to see my bio dad & he would tell me he would be there and never showed up.

The bio dad the OP is speaking of walked away, that was a CHOICE he made. There is nothing he can do to make up for the time that he loss by his own choice. Perhaps, the bio dad is feeling guilty in his older age instead of actually having changed. I wish the daughter the best & certainly hope she's not set herself up for heartache.

I've been able to address my bio dad & we talk weekly. Some people are just too selfish to be a parent until maturity hits them. He is a member of our family, my DDs know & talk to him but they will never have the same type of relationship w/ him as they do my parents but I have allowed him into our lives to a certain extent.

 

[ktink]

Also I just have to say that I think in certain situations, this being one.. pick up the phone this doesn't need to be discussed via email. Sometimes what is written can be misunderstood, the whole tone can be taken out of context which could only escalate the fued.

The DD should, IMO, call her parents & say, "look I know you're looking out for my best interest but I'm adult. I have the right to find things out for myself & it would be nice to have your support. You will always be my parents but I have questions that you can't answer."

 

[barkley]

Sorry that's how I see it. It doesn't matter that it was 40+ years ago. He did a horrible thing abandoning his own children. What if the adopted dad didn't come along? They would have lived in poverty. 40+ years ago it wasn't easy for a housewife to get a job and there was NO food stamps etc. He never even contacted them. For FORTY YEARS. I wouldn't want a relationship with such a piece of garbage and would question the emotional stability of anyone who did.

That being said I wouldn't cut off contact with the daughter. She obviously needs all the support she can get if she's reaching out to someone who just discarded her like a piece of trash when she was little and needed them.

just to clarify-the food stamp program has operated in various versions since the 1930's. there was a lapse of time after the depression when it did not operate, but 40 years ago it was in place and available to u.s. citizens.

 

[barkley]

the way i see it an adult who at minimum is 46 years old, and may be as much as 50 years old is under no obligation to disclose every aspect of her private life WITH ANYONE.


mom and bio-dad may be justified in feeling hurt but their choosing to send their adult daughter "not nice" e-mails that they are purposely sharing with other family members is being purposely hurtful, and they may find it creates hard feelings towards them from other family members who do not wish to be privey to this adult's private life or be called upon to 'take sides' (which tends to be the purpose of these types of tactics-otherwise why does a person send them out to others?).


i can understand the adult daughter stepping back and cutting off contact at least initialy-if someone is being hurtful towards you what purpose is served by continuing to subject yourself to this kind of treatment? if it had been handled differently on the parent's part-privatly, without dragging in others it may have been something that could have been discussed rationaly. but at this juncture i can't blame the adult daughter for wanting to step back at least temporarily.

 

[Nicolepa]

Speaking as someone who's dad left long before I was born there are days I think about meeting him. It's normal and natural. You want to hear that side of the story. See if the father ever made a move to come see you or try to contact you. This isn't a parent vs parent thing. It's about wanting to know someone that helped make you.

You want to know if that person has the same hair or maybe the odd manerism of tilting the head or stuttering. You want to know about any other possible brothers and sisters and about the grandparents you didn't know.

Personally I'd like to meet my father and tell him that he lost a great opportunity to have a fabulous daughter and a great son in law. It's not about choosing one parent or another. It's about in the end knowing where you came from.

This is exactly how I feel. My dad abandonded us (several times) when I was little. My parents divorced when I was 2 and the last time I saw him I was 6. I was raised from the time I was 6 by my step dad who I call dad. There's more to the story but I won't go into it. I think often about contacting him. When my husband and I got married he tried to get me to invite him to the wedding. I almost did but then was worried that he'd actually show up. But some days I would like to send him pictures of his 3 grandkids. I don't want a relationship with him but I want him to know we are OK. And I would love to hear his side of the story. In the last few years I've learned that there is always 3 sides to a story and my moms side isn't usally the most truthful. Makes me question the anger I had towards my dad as a kid.

 

[N&B'smom]

I can certainly understand how the mom would be hurt in light of her ex's actions. However, her daughter has every right to get to know this man, HE IS HER FATHER.

I think it's a shame that the daughter wasn't up front with her mom and step dad but she obviously knew it would cause friction. It looks she was trying to avoid all the drama that is taking place right now.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

the way i see it an adult who at minimum is 46 years old, and may be as much as 50 years old is under no obligation to disclose every aspect of her private life WITH ANYONE.

mom and bio-dad may be justified in feeling hurt but their choosing to send their adult daughter "not nice" e-mails that they are purposely sharing with other family members is being purposely hurtful, and they may find it creates hard feelings towards them from other family members who do not wish to be privey to this adult's private life or be called upon to 'take sides' (which tends to be the purpose of these types of tactics-otherwise why does a person send them out to others?).

i can understand the adult daughter stepping back and cutting off contact at least initialy-if someone is being hurtful towards you what purpose is served by continuing to subject yourself to this kind of treatment? if it had been handled differently on the parent's part-privatly, without dragging in others it may have been something that could have been discussed rationaly. but at this juncture i can't blame the adult daughter for wanting to step back at least temporarily.

One of the best posts on this thread. Says it all.

 

[Planogirl]

I think that the notion of the daughter stepping back until hopefully cooler heads prevail is an important one. If she is receiving hurtful emails, why wouldn't she expect the same when she talks to her parents in person? Why even go there?

Maybe if she lets a little time pass they can all discuss this rationally like ADULTS.

 

[ginna74]

Yes I feel such sadnees for the "child" (no matter the age), who blindsided her parents and puprposely hurt them. Gosh people, talking about adults is one thing, but cosying (sp?) up to the "adult" that abandoned you in hiding is another. Blood doesn't make you a father, NEVER, her father is the one that is HURT right now. Being secretive about that kind of relationship only prooves that she had something to hide.... I know about curiosity too, it is only natural, But I would never ever just spring it on my mom that I found the person that donated sperm to her and have been talking to him for a year. Again, Those parents must be feeling pretty bad that she did that in secret.. Being appropriate here is the key, and CONSIDERATION of others, no matter the age.

 

[Planogirl]

Yes I feel such sadnees for the "child" (no matter the age), who blindsided her parents and puprposely hurt them. Gosh people, talking about adults is one thing, but cosying (sp?) up to the "adult" that abandoned you in hiding is another. Blood doesn't make you a father, NEVER, her father is the one that is HURT right now. Being secretive about that kind of relationship only prooves that she had something to hide.... I know about

Maybe she hid it because she knew that they would overreact? I find it hard to belief that someone of her age would be given such a hard time no matter who she talks to.

 

[luvmy3]

comming from a person that is adopted by my stepdad (father wanted her to get abortion), and who has a daughter who is 16 and her bio dad has JUST now been showing himself and wanting in on the best show on earth. I know where the Mother and "step dad" are coming from COMPLETELY. They have a right to be upset with her. She and he have raised the kids without one dollar, without one I love you too her babies, and without one bit of caring. He dumped them and "daughter" should have EXPECTED this and no one should be upset of their reaction, or suprized. Going behind their back I think was just wrong. She should have told the mom and went from there.... Being blindsided probably makes her feel like dodo.

So because the parents have the right to be hurt, they also have the right to act they way they are? I don't think so. How can they expect the dd to come to them and talk about it, when they aren't willing to go to her and talk about things, instead the step-dad sends nasty emails and shares them with the whole family. Its a two way street, and they can't expect the dd to respect their feelings when its apparent they don't have any for hers. Maybe the dd should have talked to them first, but its not as if she was obligated to, she is an adult now, not a child. I'm guessing if the parents were so quick to treat her this way, she probably had good reason from experience with them and that is why she pursued this on her own. Its not about her relationship with her parents, its about her relationship with her own bio-father, and nobody, not even her parents has the right to be involved in that.