Whos side are you on?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think the parents are being childish though they have every right to be hurt.


Without knowing the family dynamic or the situation with bio dad, it's hard to say if the child was in the right or not.


Sadly--I don't side with either side. Tragic all the way around.

 

[DMickey28]

We don't know if there is any other back story like abuse and such that perhaps the grown daughter does not remember or know about.

Given the basic details, the daughter was wrong in the way she went about it but can understand why she didn't tell mom and stepdad right away. The parents are wrong to be sooo upset about her talking to him at all but totally within their rights to be hurt that she hid it from them.

 

[luvmy3]

The parents are in the wrong here. Of course the dd has the right to have a relationship with her bio father if she chooses and being that she is 40 years old, she doesn't have to go about it any other way than they way she wants to. How selfish of her parents to be acting this way I can speak from experience that deciding to have a relationship with a parent who abandons you is not a decision that comes easy. I also can say that my family is very supportive of whatever I decide to do when it comes to my relationship with my parent. What a shame the dd doesn't have the same.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have spoken to Mom and Adopted Dad, and there is just no budging them. Moms line is - "Your right, she has every right to speak with her bio-father, but I don't have to like it, or put up with it." So by not "putting up with it" you mean not speaking to her.... so how does that figure in with her "having every right"??
I just don't understand. I know they say this guy was a (something I can't say on the Dis) but it was 40+ years ago. Plus, its not about Mom and Adopted Dad, its about the daughter getting the closure she needs. I tried over and over again to explain this to them, but its falling in deaf ears. I said that children who have been adopted to other famlies go out searching for their bio-parents, and thats not WRONG. Mom dissagreed, and told me that doing that KILLS every adopted parent. I've tried saying anything and everything I can, and nothing works. At this point, I really have to step down before they start to get mad at me for not agreeing with them. Yeah, family is a lot of friggin fun.....

I dont' think you should be involved in a delicate family situation.

Unless you are a trained counselor and they want to get past this--it is not something you can fix.

The mom is right--folks do have every right to do as they wish, but we don't have to condone it.

Her attitude may not be right, but people have the rights to their choices and we have the right to not like or accept those choices be it right or wrong to do so.

You will have a difficult time getting past that logic.

 

[rie'smom]

Mom and step Dad are out of line but so was the daughter. She should have been upfront instead of hiding for a year.

 

[ticktock]

That's a bit harsh.

Sorry that's how I see it. It doesn't matter that it was 40+ years ago. He did a horrible thing abandoning his own children. What if the adopted dad didn't come along? They would have lived in poverty. 40+ years ago it wasn't easy for a housewife to get a job and there was NO food stamps etc. He never even contacted them. For FORTY YEARS. I wouldn't want a relationship with such a piece of garbage and would question the emotional stability of anyone who did.

That being said I wouldn't cut off contact with the daughter. She obviously needs all the support she can get if she's reaching out to someone who just discarded her like a piece of trash when she was little and needed them.

 

[diznygirl]

I'll be the lone dissenter I guess. Why on Earth would this woman WANT a relationship with a man who discarded her like an old sweater? If I was in this situation I'd tell the guy "I have a dad. Too little too late, jerk." He is only coming to her for HIS closure, so he can feel good before he kicks it. I wouldn't give him the time of day.

What do all the other kids think about the situation and their biodad?

This really doesn't relate to a regular adoption scenario. You may be given up for adoption by people who are trying to do the best for you. The biodad obviously didn't given a dang what was best for his kids or he wouldn't have left them to fend for themselves for 40 years. What a piece of trash. I can totally relate to the parents. Though I wouldn't cut ties completely with the daughter I would diffenately wonder were I went wrong raising someone who is so needy they will accept such a waste of space into their lives.

You have no idea what her intentions were. If you really believed you raised your child right, why not wait to see what the outcome was going to be? Maybe she DID want to tell the guy off. Maybe she wanted to show him what he missed out on all those years. And maybe she wanted to get a word or two in about what a wonderful mom she has.

Mom and Step-dad definitely over-reacted and hurt their relationship with the daughter. There are other ways to communicate without going off the deep end.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm amazed that people think that the dd is out of line

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with Kurby. Both parties handled it in a wrong manner.

I don't know, but instead of bitterness I would guess that the mother is experiencing a lot of fear. Fear that she will lose her DD to a man that walked away. I imagine the stepfather feels the same way. Anger and fear can often "walk and talk" the same. It's hard to tell the two apart. Maybe they are experiencing both feelings.

I think the DD is experiencing fear too. Fear of being manipulated, pushed away, losing her relationships. If she pushes them away, she can do as she wishes and everything is on "hold" so to speak until she knows what she wants to do.

There is a lot at stake. I'm sure the parents (mom and step father) are feeling rather indignant on top of everything else. "After all we have done", and what not. And I think they have a right to their feelings. If the DD had gone to them and told them about it, that she still loves them and always will, she just needed to know for herself, maybe they wouldn't have felt so threatened. I really think they feel their roles are threatened and that's why they are acting the way the are, out of fear.

It's a shame. I hope everything resolves soon and things get patched up. I hope the mom and family can go on the Disney trip. The stress can't be good for her at a time like this. I feel sorry for all concerned.

 

[luvmy3]

Sorry that's how I see it. It doesn't matter that it was 40+ years ago. He did a horrible thing abandoning his own children. What if the adopted dad didn't come along? They would have lived in poverty. 40+ years ago it wasn't easy for a housewife to get a job and there was NO food stamps etc. He never even contacted them. For FORTY YEARS. I wouldn't want a relationship with such a piece of garbage and would question the emotional stability of anyone who did.

That being said I wouldn't cut off contact with the daughter. She obviously needs all the support she can get if she's reaching out to someone who just discarded her like a piece of trash when she was little and needed them.

Your posts make me wonder if you have you own abandonment issues.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Yes, the mom and step dad have the right to be upset and hurt and let her know why. But it sounds like the daughter is the one that cut off ties because she "didn't like what was said in some e-mails". So her "dad" takes off when she is a child and then swoops back in as an adult and all is forgiven, but a few harsh e-mails and SHE cuts off contact???

I'm with the parents on this one.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Sorry that's how I see it. It doesn't matter that it was 40+ years ago. He did a horrible thing abandoning his own children. What if the adopted dad didn't come along? They would have lived in poverty. 40+ years ago it wasn't easy for a housewife to get a job and there was NO food stamps etc. He never even contacted them. For FORTY YEARS. I wouldn't want a relationship with such a piece of garbage and would question the emotional stability of anyone who did.

That being said I wouldn't cut off contact with the daughter. She obviously needs all the support she can get if she's reaching out to someone who just discarded her like a piece of trash when she was little and needed them.

Speaking as someone who's dad left long before I was born there are days I think about meeting him. It's normal and natural. You want to hear that side of the story. See if the father ever made a move to come see you or try to contact you. This isn't a parent vs parent thing. It's about wanting to know someone that helped make you.

You want to know if that person has the same hair or maybe the odd manerism of tilting the head or stuttering. You want to know about any other possible brothers and sisters and about the grandparents you didn't know.

Personally I'd like to meet my father and tell him that he lost a great opportunity to have a fabulous daughter and a great son in law. It's not about choosing one parent or another. It's about in the end knowing where you came from.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

The adult daughter has every right to have a relationship with her biological father without explaining it to anyone or consulting with anyone. Maybe she kept it from her mother because she knew the type of reaction her mother would have and didn't want to cause her any pain.

But wow, you would think that after 40 years the mother wouldn't hold on to such bitterness and would not make things difficult for her daughter. It's too bad the mother is trying to put the daughter in the middle and in a way make her choose.

I agree. And honestly, with the mother sick, doesn't everyone kind of put things in perspective? Eight years ago we were told that my DD probably had Leukemia...she didn't, but boy, did that shake us up enough that another situation we *thought* was SO important really wasn't. Seriously, they need to be concentrating on being a family, spending the holidays together, and taking their family trip to WDW. I'm guessing the daughter didn't invite the bio father along for the trip.

I'm an adoptive mom, and I know lots of adoptive parents who fully understand and support their children's relationships with their bio parents. My dd is just 6, but sometimes she cries that she misses her birthmom. I could choose to let that "kill" me, I guess, but instead I choose to understand and comfort her with some empathy and a hug. I would feel like a failure as an adoptive parent if my dd ever felt she had to hide a relationship with a birthparent from me.

Good for you.

I'm amazed that people think that the dd is out of line

Me too!

Your posts make me wonder if you have you own abandonment issues.

I thought the same thing.

Speaking as someone who's dad left long before I was born there are days I think about meeting him. It's normal and natural. You want to hear that side of the story. See if the father ever made a move to come see you or try to contact you. This isn't a parent vs parent thing. It's about wanting to know someone that helped make you.

You want to know if that person has the same hair or maybe the odd manerism of tilting the head or stuttering. You want to know about any other possible brothers and sisters and about the grandparents you didn't know.

Personally I'd like to meet my father and tell him that he lost a great opportunity to have a fabulous daughter and a great son in law. It's not about choosing one parent or another. It's about in the end knowing where you came from.

Doesn't anyone here watch "The Locator"? There are some amazing stories, and all sorts of reasons for why people leave or give children up for adoption or didn't know the child existed. It's up to the parties involved to decide to meet at all, to forgive, to maintain a relationship and to what extent. This woman in her 40's has every right to have contact with her bio father and to forgive him to whatever extent she chooses. If her mother can't forgive the ex, that's her problem. But she might want to find some peace in her own life if she's seriously ill.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Sorry that's how I see it. It doesn't matter that it was 40+ years ago. He did a horrible thing abandoning his own children. What if the adopted dad didn't come along? They would have lived in poverty. 40+ years ago it wasn't easy for a housewife to get a job and there was NO food stamps etc. He never even contacted them. For FORTY YEARS. I wouldn't want a relationship with such a piece of garbage and would question the emotional stability of anyone who did.

That being said I wouldn't cut off contact with the daughter. She obviously needs all the support she can get if she's reaching out to someone who just discarded her like a piece of trash when she was little and needed them.

We'll just have to agree to disagree because I think you're being way too hard on this woman. I don't think it's fair to call someone needy and emotionally unstable just because I disagree with them.

We all have our reasons for doing things. Not everything is black and white and we can't all be put into the same tidy little box that says "A is always right" and "B is always wrong".

 

[Bluestars]

I was thinking the same thing about forgiveness. The daughter has every right to forgive her father and let go of the past. Just because her mother can't or won't, doesn't mean the daughter can't.

Maybe forgiveness helps the daughter move on and deal with the rejection or abandonment issues of the past. For whatever reasons, she should do what she needs to do in order to have peace with her relationship with her biological father.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I think the daughter has a right to contact her biodad if she wants, although I think she should have been up front about with her parents from the beginning. I don't wonder if part of their reaction now is because they feel she has been being disingenuous for a year????

The parents should not have sent the letter to the entire family.

You, OP, ought to stay out of it other than to pray that these people get it together before the mother dies and then it will be too late.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mom has 4 kids with husband. Husband runs off leaving them 2 months behind on the rent, never to be heard from again. Mom re-marries man she met about 3 years later. He raises the 4 children as his own (ranging from 6-10 years old), and has one more with Mom.

Fast forward about 40 years, and one of the orignal 4 kids is contacted by the bio father. She has a few phone calls with him over the course of about a year, never tells anyone. He tells her that his mother has just died and asks her to meet him at the funeral. Through a round about way, Mom and adopted Dad find out about this, and are livid. They are mad because she did it behind their backs, and (I guess) because she had any contact with him at all. Mom feels that if daughter wanted to know anything about him, she should have asked Mom. Adopted Dad send a few emails back and forth with her, and the daughter decides to stop talking to Mom and adopted Dad because of the emails that were sent. I've read the emails, and what was said (by adopted Dad) wasn't very nice - he said it out of hurt I guess. Adopted Dad also sent all the emails out to other members of the family... Like me who didn't want to know about ANY of this drama.

So what do you think? Do Mom and adopted Dad have the right to be SO upset about this? Keep in mind, this has totally ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our 18 person family trip to Disney 2 days after Christmas. Oh, and by the way, the reason we were doing this huge family vacation is because Mom has breast cancer, and we don't know if we will ever have a chance to all get together like this again.

Does the daughter have the right to talk to her bio father? Should she have gone about it in a different way, i.e. tell Mom and adopted Dad before she responded to his initial contact?


Thoughts?

Honestly, it is none of the mom or stepdad business what the dd is doing. Like it or not it is her biodad.

I can see why she kept this info from them in the first place.

Now perhaps she could have been more adult about the contact with the biodad and things might have been different, who knows.

However it is water under the bridge and you can only deal with today. The parents are acting like immature jerks.

 

[C.Ann]

Speaking as someone who's dad left long before I was born there are days I think about meeting him. It's normal and natural. You want to hear that side of the story. See if the father ever made a move to come see you or try to contact you. This isn't a parent vs parent thing. It's about wanting to know someone that helped make you.

You want to know if that person has the same hair or maybe the odd manerism of tilting the head or stuttering. You want to know about any other possible brothers and sisters and about the grandparents you didn't know.

Personally I'd like to meet my father and tell him that he lost a great opportunity to have a fabulous daughter and a great son in law. It's not about choosing one parent or another. It's about in the end knowing where you came from.

You stated this beautifully!

And as an adult who was adopted as a child, unless you have been there - lived with the unanswered questions - wondered about siblings, your medical history, etc. - you just don't know what it's like to have all of those "empty pages" in your book of life..

This ADULT DD knew exactly how her parents were going to react and I'm betting that's why she did it behind their backs..

 

[ZPT1022]

Speaking as someone who's dad left long before I was born there are days I think about meeting him. It's normal and natural. You want to hear that side of the story. See if the father ever made a move to come see you or try to contact you. This isn't a parent vs parent thing. It's about wanting to know someone that helped make you.

You want to know if that person has the same hair or maybe the odd manerism of tilting the head or stuttering. You want to know about any other possible brothers and sisters and about the grandparents you didn't know.

Personally I'd like to meet my father and tell him that he lost a great opportunity to have a fabulous daughter and a great son in law. It's not about choosing one parent or another. It's about in the end knowing where you came from.

Well, I was all set to write a snotty response to a prior post but Tina said it nicer and better than I could have. When one of your parents leaves (as my bio father did before I was born), you are left with lots of unanswered questions. You wonder why you're a bit different from the rest of the family, have a different hair color, different skin tone, whatever. You feel like an *** when you go to the dr's office and can only give half a family medical history. You wonder what nationality you are. There are lots of questions left unanswered. For me, a half sibling contacted me and I have been in contact with bio father's brother. I have no desire to meet bio father but this has allowed me to get an insight into his life and get some questions answered. In my case, he's at least as much of a mess as he was when he left his pregnant wife (my mom), so I choose to stick with the family contact and not talk to him, but I can understand why someone else might want their questions answered. Maybe this is helpful for the adult child(ren) to being able to move on from some of their unanswered questions

 

[disney1990]

Of course, we only have the Mom's side of the story about what happened. We don't have the Dad's side of the story.

I was divorced and, for a time, a single Mom of a daughter. Over the course of my daughter's life, I worked hard to make my ex understand that he needed to pursue a relationship with his daughter if he wanted one to exist. He was too busy partying most of the time.

If though I knew exactly why we divorced, he was ALWAYS partying and never consistently held a job, I never, ever bad mouthed him to our daughter. I knew that one day she would grow up and she would really KNOW what her father was really like. I hate to see a parent bad mouth their ex. It doesn't help anybody.

My daughter now has a very tentative relationship with her Dad, who still, after 25 years can't hold a job even though he is remarried and has another child. But, everything she has learned about her Dad, she has learned on her own.

If this daughter wants to have a relationship with her Dad, she has every right to do so and her Mom (and Step-Dad) need to step back and let that happen. Only the daughter can decide what is the correct course is to follow in the future.