Who is wrong?

[luvsJack]

My mom is driving me crazy!!! But, maybe its just me and I am letting things bother me that shouldn't--tell me if you think so.

A little background info: Me, my mom and my sister all live close to each other. My sister has 4 grandchildren that she picks up from school and keeps in the afternoons. She also picks up dd on some days and either takes her to my moms or to her house until I get there. (dd gets out of school at 3:20 3 days a week and 1:20 one day, I get off at 4:00 so its less than an hour every day but one)

DD plays on a city league softball team and has to be at the field at 5:00 on game day and sometimes for practice.

I work nearby and get off at 4:00. By the time I drive home, get dd and take her home to get dressed we are barely making it at 5 and that's if we don't get behind any slow drivers.

So, on Monday I take all of dd's softball equipment and her uniform down to my mom's (on Mondays dsis drops dd off at mom's) and ask if there is any problem with dd being ready to go when I get there. I didn't think to ask if she would be there because she always is on Mondays.

Around 3 or 3:30 I call my mom's to ask her to remind dd to get everything done. She is at the grocery store with ds and dil (they live with my mom and buy the groceries for the house), she says dsis is going to keep dd until I get there. I didn't think anything of it at the time but when I get home at 4:20 and go to dsis's house and no one is there. So I call mom back and say "where is she keeping dd?" Then I am told that dd had to go with her to drop the other kids off at their activities. Its across town and there is no way to get dd back to get ready and at the field by 5. I was LIVID!

I wasn't mad at my sister, at my mom. She was the one who decided they had to go to the grocery store at that time on that day and didn't bother to tell me. When I ask why she didn't tell me, her answer is "I didn't know that at my age I had to ask permission to go somewhere". you don't, but I need to know where my child is.

I am not saying that anyone needed to ask my permission to go anywhere, but if someone had told me what was going on, I would have asked that they just drop dd off at my work (which was on the way for either one of them) but every time I try to make that point to my mom, she says "I don't have to ask your permission to do anything" Then she laughs and says I shouldn't expect so much and if I try to say "can you just tell me" she says she doesn't want to talk about it.

I am so frustrated about the whole thing because if dd is not there on time she has to run laps and that seems very unfair to her if she is late because of her grandmother. But mom won't even listen to that part of it. I think it makes me even madder to remember that she is the very one that would have raised HECK with me if ds had been late to his ballgame or practice and had to run laps.

Some may say that maybe she is getting tired of watching dd for me, I have thought of that. Its actually only two days a week that dd goes there unless something different is going on with dsis's grandkids and one of those days is a long afternoon and dd watches dgd for mom (my mother keeps dgd for ds while they work). Besides, I have thought that before and tried to make other arrangements but she gets all upset about that and doesn't want her to go anywhere else. When its not ball season, I have offered to let dd start riding the bus and then she won't get home until I do, mother throws a fit.

Maybe keeping dgd is getting to be too much and she is taking it out on me? Thought of that. I have offered to help ds and dil pay for child care (there is a really good center close by) at least a couple of days a week. She hits the roof!! (which I find crazy, since we ran a center for 12 years and can spot quality care from a mile away).

So right now I am just not talking to her at all (she seems to want to keep bringing the situation up and finding it all very amusing).

So my question is, was I really being unreasonable? Please, understand, its not really about softball so much. Its about my mother acting like its not important and not even listening to me when I try to say "here, this is how we can avoid this problem"

 

[Minnie824]

My parents watch my kids as well...at one point we did get a babysitter. It was too much I think. Especially with all the activities the kids are in. Its your daughter...it may be best to make other arrangements, especially, like you said, during baseball season, so you don't have to worry about it. Although on the other hand, it is almost summer..what do you do for childcare during summer? My other suggestion would be to get thru til then, then for next school year make other arrangements. Its not your mothers decision where your daughter goes, and it sounds like shes watching a lot of kids already.

 

[DizBelle]

It sounds like you need to figure something else out for dd.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Does your DD have a cell phone? Can she call you when it appears that plans are changing? Just a thought.

And yes, even though my parents don't live close when they are here my DM definitely is not concerned about DD's activities. Seems to interfere with her life. Maybe it's old age. (don't tell my mom I called her old )

 

[luvmy3]

The only thing you were asking is that your dd be ready to go when you got there? So they did know that she had to be somewhere at a certain time and felt it was okay to totally disregard that. Yeah, I'd be mad too, so I dont think you are wrong to be. Maybe it was just an oops on your mom's part or maybe it was something more deliberate, I would have a talk with her to find out what she is really thinking about having to watch your dd and go from there.

 

[wdwfan16]

My mom is driving me crazy!!! But, maybe its just me and I am letting things bother me that shouldn't--tell me if you think so.

A little background info: Me, my mom and my sister all live close to each other. My sister has 4 grandchildren that she picks up from school and keeps in the afternoons. She also picks up dd on some days and either takes her to my moms or to her house until I get there. (dd gets out of school at 3:20 3 days a week and 1:20 one day, I get off at 4:00 so its less than an hour every day but one)

DD plays on a city league softball team and has to be at the field at 5:00 on game day and sometimes for practice.

I work nearby and get off at 4:00. By the time I drive home, get dd and take her home to get dressed we are barely making it at 5 and that's if we don't get behind any slow drivers.

So, on Monday I take all of dd's softball equipment and her uniform down to my mom's (on Mondays dsis drops dd off at mom's) and ask if there is any problem with dd being ready to go when I get there. I didn't think to ask if she would be there because she always is on Mondays.

Around 3 or 3:30 I call my mom's to ask her to remind dd to get everything done. She is at the grocery store with ds and dil (they live with my mom and buy the groceries for the house), she says dsis is going to keep dd until I get there. I didn't think anything of it at the time but when I get home at 4:20 and go to dsis's house and no one is there. So I call mom back and say "where is she keeping dd?" Then I am told that dd had to go with her to drop the other kids off at their activities. Its across town and there is no way to get dd back to get ready and at the field by 5. I was LIVID!

I wasn't mad at my sister, at my mom. She was the one who decided they had to go to the grocery store at that time on that day and didn't bother to tell me. When I ask why she didn't tell me, her answer is "I didn't know that at my age I had to ask permission to go somewhere". you don't, but I need to know where my child is.

I am not saying that anyone needed to ask my permission to go anywhere, but if someone had told me what was going on, I would have asked that they just drop dd off at my work (which was on the way for either one of them) but every time I try to make that point to my mom, she says "I don't have to ask your permission to do anything" Then she laughs and says I shouldn't expect so much and if I try to say "can you just tell me" she says she doesn't want to talk about it.

I am so frustrated about the whole thing because if dd is not there on time she has to run laps and that seems very unfair to her if she is late because of her grandmother. But mom won't even listen to that part of it. I think it makes me even madder to remember that she is the very one that would have raised HECK with me if ds had been late to his ballgame or practice and had to run laps.

Some may say that maybe she is getting tired of watching dd for me, I have thought of that. Its actually only two days a week that dd goes there unless something different is going on with dsis's grandkids and one of those days is a long afternoon and dd watches dgd for mom (my mother keeps dgd for ds while they work). Besides, I have thought that before and tried to make other arrangements but she gets all upset about that and doesn't want her to go anywhere else. When its not ball season, I have offered to let dd start riding the bus and then she won't get home until I do, mother throws a fit.

Maybe keeping dgd is getting to be too much and she is taking it out on me? Thought of that. I have offered to help ds and dil pay for child care (there is a really good center close by) at least a couple of days a week. She hits the roof!! (which I find crazy, since we ran a center for 12 years and can spot quality care from a mile away).

So right now I am just not talking to her at all (she seems to want to keep bringing the situation up and finding it all very amusing).

So my question is, was I really being unreasonable? Please, understand, its not really about softball so much. Its about my mother acting like its not important and not even listening to me when I try to say "here, this is how we can avoid this problem"

Your DD is not late because of Grandma she is late because you put her in a league that is cutting it too close for you to get her there after you get out of work.

Your sister and mother are doing you a favor watching your DD for free. Pay a babysitter to take care of her and have her ready when you get home.

Why should you mother have to schedule her day just so it is in your best interest?

Your mother is very generous to let you DS, his girlfiend and their baby live with her. Maybe your family is starting to take too much advantage of her and she is getting resentful.

When you are old enough to make a family it is time to pay for your own family and not rely on others to do favors day in and day out. She watched your mid-twenties kids and now you 11 year old. That is a long time of helping out. Cut Grandma a break.

How old is Grandma? Maybe a little "me" time is what Grandma needs.

I would never ask anybody to watch my kids for free.

 

[mhsjax]

Your DD is not late because of Grandma she is late because you put her in a league that is cutting it too close for you to get her there after you get out of work.

Your sister and mother are doing you a favor watching your DD for free. Pay a babysitter to take care of her and have her ready when you get home.

Why should you mother have to schedule her day just so it is in your best interest?

Your mother is very generous to let you DS, his girlfiend and their baby live with her. Maybe your family is starting to take too much advantage of her and she is getting resentful.

When you are old enough to make a family it is time to pay for your own family and not rely on others to do favors day in and day out. She watched your mid-twenties kids and now you 11 year old. That is a long time of helping out. Cut Grandma a break.

How old is Grandma? Maybe a little "me" time is what Grandma needs.

I would never ask anybody to watch my kids for free.

Yep I asked my mom at one time, long before kids if she would consider watching them while I worked if I paid her. She told me NO WAY, and I quote, "I raised my kids, i am not raising your, you need to figure out your schedule and deal with it." The apply doesn't fall far from the tree, I am already telling mine over and over again, that I will not be daycare for my grandkids, No way, no how. Babysit sometimes for date night, sure, but that is it.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I think you caught your Mom in a moment of bad judgement and now she is embarrassed and is trying to kid her way out of it. She should have made sure your dd was dressed and ready to go to softball, had her gear with her if she was leaving the house to go with your sister or where ever she ended up, etc. I don't think it's that much to ask of her.

I would talk to the coach and explain that your dd might be a little later than 5 each day because of your work schedule. Perhaps there is another parent that you can have your dd ride with to softball, a friend on the team that lives nearby or something? My dd belongs to softball too and the first 30 minutes is for warm up anyway.

Good luck to you!

 

[golfgal]

Your DD is not late because of Grandma she is late because you put her in a league that is cutting it too close for you to get her there after you get out of work.

Your sister and mother are doing you a favor watching your DD for free. Pay a babysitter to take care of her and have her ready when you get home.

Why should you mother have to schedule her day just so it is in your best interest?

Your mother is very generous to let you DS, his girlfiend and their baby live with her. Maybe your family is starting to take too much advantage of her and she is getting resentful.

When you are old enough to make a family it is time to pay for your own family and not rely on others to do favors day in and day out. She watched your mid-twenties kids and now you 11 year old. That is a long time of helping out. Cut Grandma a break.

How old is Grandma? Maybe a little "me" time is what Grandma needs.

I would never ask anybody to watch my kids for free.

I agree with this as well. If you can't change child care arrangements perhaps you should talk to another parent on the team and see if you can carpool-them taking the girls, you picking them up?

 

[lovesmurfs]

What PP's have said. You all are too close to it. Find a neutral 3rd party to watch your daughter after school (we use our local Parks & Recreation after school program). The money will be well worth your sanity.

Wait until games start and they have to be there an hour before the game. What fun.

 

[MinnieTink]

My parents watch my kids a lot. There are times when it gets to be too much for them and there are tensions. They usually pass quickly.

Is there a teammates parent that you can carpool with? They can bring them to practice, you could pick up? Sort of not the topic but I have to say, 5 o'clock is a rough time for many parents to have to try and get their child somewhere.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree that you might want to consider a different option for your DD. I understand that your Mom wants to care for your DD but clearly, this is not working out. If I made aggangements to have my DGD here and then left her in a position that made her late for an activity my DD would make an alternate arrangement the next day. For whatever reason, your Mother has chosen to laugh the issue off and that is telling. If your DD is the one whose schedule will suffer if there is a conflict and no one sees the importance of giving you adequate notice to make changes then that is the point to make a change in your DD's favor.

 

[Tink888]

I don't think you are wrong for being aggravated. Life is busy and when plans get messed up it is aggravating.

But it sounds like your Mom does a lot for you and your family and doesn't ask for much in return.

Nobody who is generally pretty giving wants to get blasted for one slip up.

I'd chalk it up to a miscommunication and let it go. One aggravation among many conveniences isn't worth fighting over KWIM?

 

[bgirldeb]

Yep I asked my mom at one time, long before kids if she would consider watching them while I worked if I paid her. She told me NO WAY, and I quote, "I raised my kids, i am not raising your, you need to figure out your schedule and deal with it." The apply doesn't fall far from the tree, I am already telling mine over and over again, that I will not be daycare for my grandkids, No way, no how. Babysit sometimes for date night, sure, but that is it.

I didn't even ask my mom when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and she told me straight up front that she would not babysit them while I work. I kinda figured that anyway since she worked full time

Honestly though, I don't think it is grandparents obligation or responsibility to be a daycare. If something like that works out, great, but the problem is 1. You get what you pay for and 2. Going into a business arrangement with family gets very touchy and 3. Grandparents should be able to be grandparents- spoil the grandkids and send them home!

 

[HM]

I agree that you've got to make arrangements for your daughter that don't include your mother. Find a sitter that can get her after school and watch her (and maybe even take her to her practices), so that you don't have to worry about any of the drama that goes with family doing the job for you. Good luck.

Oh and to answer your question. Your mother was wrong. She should have folllowed your instructions and certainly should have let you know if your daughter would not be at her house, ready to go when you go there (whether she was there or not).

 

[robinb]

I can understand being annoyed, but I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your mom probably didn't even think that your sister would have to take her kids to their activities when she left your DD in her care. It was a mistake. A mistake that your DD suffered for, but a mistake none the less. I think that getting too upset and blasting your mom will backfire on you.

Your DD is 11? Is there any reason why she can't stay home at your mom's or sister's house alone next time? Not for hours on end, but maybe 30-45 minutes? Does she have a cell phone?

BTW, I hate, Hate, HATE when coaches punish kids who are late like that. My DD had to do "punishment laps" on a local swimteam when she was just 8-years old when I dropped her off late. It was MY fault she was late and not HERS and she was punished for it. She would have to finish the laps before she could join the rest of her team on whatever they were working on. The most frustrating thing was that I was completely unaware that her coach was doing it! My DD never told me and I was a "drop and go" parent because watching my DD practice would drive me crazy (she was too much of a goof-off for me ... but she was only 8 after all). My DD grew to hate that coach and hated swimming because of that coach. It took all I had in me to convince her to try another team and another coach. It all worked out OK because two years later she loves swimming again .

 

[Wishing on a star]

You ask WHO IS WRONG???
And, I have to say that one shouldn't be looking at this simply in who is in the wrong... pointing fingers, etc...

I haven't read the other replies, as I wanted to go ahead and post this right away as my first thoughts.

It hits me this way...

You asked/told your mom, here are the arrangements, her is DD's stuff, be ready.

Right away, your mom seems to guarantee that this just is NOT happening. And, acts like you are a child trying to dictate to her as an adult. When, obviously, you are just a parent who has the right to some input regarding your own child... IMHO, this was not a true mistake... and this is not an acceptable oversight. I believe this happened 'accidentally/on purpose', and her response to you about it was completely disrespectful to you as an adult and as a parent. Not to mention how your DD may have felt the whole time. So, yes, just in that respect, I do feel that your mother was probably wrong.

I feel that this was her round-about but very purposeful way of telling you that she is simply not going to comply, and that, personally, she has a problem with the assumed responsibilities of all of this. 'ASSUMED' being the key word here.

I would find other arrangements for your DD.

 

[rie'smom]

It may be an age thing. Both my mom and dad could never understand why we couldn't go to visit whenever they called. They didn't think our kid's athletics were an excuse. When we were younger if they decided to take off for a weekend we didn't participate in our activities for that weekend. They were typical of their time. My mom would have definitely done exactly what your mom did. I would have another option for your daughter's care at least on those days she has activities.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It may be an age thing.

I disagree.

IMHO, age is never an excuse for being demanding or for being disrespectful.

 

[karibritt01]

First, I will say that you shouldn't drop off your DD's equipment for your mom to have her ready. In the past, you had time (barely) to pick her up, run her home to change, and then get her to practice. I would have her stuff in the car, and have her change at your mom's when you get there. This saves you a little more time by not going home, takes the responsibility off of your mom, and guarantees that you will be able to get her equipment no matter what.

Second, you need to find alternate care for your DD. If the situation with your mom is causing stress, then it is no longer worth the price you are paying for it. (meaning the anxiety) If your mom has a fit that you found alternate care, I would tell her that "at your age you shouldn't have to ask permission to do anything." As for your DD helping with DGD, that is out of your hands. If your mom needs help, then she needs to let DS know, and let them be responsible for finding their own arrangements. If they need help, they will ask. You can't make their decisions for them, so stop worrying about their mess.