Who is wrong?

[NHdisneylover]

OP it sounds like you are coming up with good plans. It is largely because you DO love your mother that what you are doing (taking her out of the child care equation) is so important. She may be upset for a while, but this sounds like very much the right move to keep both yourself and your DD from becoming resentful of your mother over time (and thereby really hurting your relationships with her). I am glad you have been able to think things through and work them out

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack...
Thanks for your latest post/response.
You are on the right track!!!


And, to everyone else who is only adding negativity...
I think it is time to let it go.
This is NOT about whether anybody is being paid.
This is NOT about accounting for ones every move.
This whole situation is about respect for the OP, the DD... and just plain common courtesy when handling a well known commitment.
The OP is clearly valid in her feelings.

 

[wdwfan16]

Ok, thanks to all of you for your responses. I have been really thinking about this and why it bothered me so much and why she acted the way she did.

First off, it hurt dd's feelings. She told everyone that she had to be at the field at 5 and she felt like it didn't matter to anyone as long as everyone else got where they needed to be. I told her that wasn't the case, it was just a lot of mishaps. Her grandmother passing it off as a joke didn't help her feelings but there wasn't much I could say to that, except "grandma didn't mean it that way".

Secondly, it does bother me that she treats dd's activities as completely unimportant. It wasn't that way at all when my sons were young. Its kind of hurtful that their baseball games were this big family affair (me, dh, my mom and dad and both sons going to every game), now the only one going to dd's games is me (dh is out of town all week) and sometimes one ds, the other ds, that played ball, is texting me throughout the games, lol. But, I do understand why it is that way.

My sister was just the innocent bystander. She had already told her dd that she would get the dgks to their appointed places when mom called and let her know that she was going to town and needed sis to take my dd with her.

Now on to what I plan to do about it. I am making arrangements at work to pick dd up from school on game days. And my sister and I are working things out for the other days. I am in the process of making sure the summer is covered with church camp, softball camp and show choir camp and my mil (who has asked for dd to come stay a week or two)

I love my mom but this just isn't worth the stress.

Thanks to everyone. I just needed to hear (read) what I already knew to be the better solution. I still am unhappy with what she did, but I cannot let her reasons for doing what she did to continue to bother me.

I jsut think it boils down to common courtesy and she didn't show me that.

Your mom is about 15 years older than she was when your DSs were 11. She may not enjoy sitting on backless bleachers. Why is you DS and his GF not going to the games? Is you dad still alive, is so why is he not going to the games? You seem to be mad at only your mom but you DS is getting off the hook. He plays a large part in all of this.

This poor women has been retired for 11 years. That could make her in her 70s. My aunts and uncles in their 70s cannot do what they could do 11 years ago. The older grandkids got way more time with them than the little ones do now. It is part of aging.

I am glad you are making other arrangements but let this go.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Ok, thanks to all of you for your responses. I have been really thinking about this and why it bothered me so much and why she acted the way she did.

First off, it hurt dd's feelings. She told everyone that she had to be at the field at 5 and she felt like it didn't matter to anyone as long as everyone else got where they needed to be. I told her that wasn't the case, it was just a lot of mishaps. Her grandmother passing it off as a joke didn't help her feelings but there wasn't much I could say to that, except "grandma didn't mean it that way".

QUOTE]

Now this would bother me A LOT as well. Did you tell your mother this? If my mom thought she hurt my son's feelings, she would be devastated.

 

[cm8]

Does your DD have a cell phone? Can she call you when it appears that plans are changing? Just a thought.

And yes, even though my parents don't live close when they are here my DM definitely is not concerned about DD's activities. Seems to interfere with her life. Maybe it's old age. (don't tell my mom I called her old :eek

, ohhhhhhhhhh, I'm telling your mama on youuuuuuuuuuuuu, and you're going to get it

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think it was too much to expect a phone call. And her attitude about it? What's with that? Does she always react that way in a conflict? I think that would be the most frustrating part of it, what would tick me off the most.

Oh, yeah that is what was really making me angry; her attitude about it! And its why I am just not really talking to her right now and just letting it pass.

 

[cm8]

Oh, yeah that is what was really making me angry; her attitude about it! And its why I am just not really talking to her right now and just letting it pass.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

AGAIN: While it would have been nice to have received a phone call, and while you would have preferred (operative word) a phone call, you really have no grounds for complaint unless you were actually paying for a service.
I'll agree with this.

Respectfully--whether or not commerce took place is irrelevant.

The child was taken somewhere without informing her custodial parent.

For the mother of the child to not at a minimum have been informed is quite inappropriate.

One should not require payment to do something as simple as saying "Oh by the way, you dropped your daughter at my house, but I had to do XYZ and your daughter is no longer there but at ABC location."

So yes--she has grounds for complaint.

(She also has every reason to never use this family for free or for payment ever again for a sitting service as they clearly don't understand her rights to know the where-abouts of her child. Public schools are not paid and they cannot on a whim transport your child anywhere off school property without your full consent. Just b/c someone is a relative, is not implied consent.)

 

[Took]

I must respectfully disagree with you. A commitment is a commitment even if there is no pay involved. I believe that the issue here is trust. If I leave a child with someone I trust that if that child is not going to be where she was supposed to be that I will be given a call. No call? No trust. No pay has nothing to do with that.

I agree. Trust was violated regardless.

However, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would get my own sitter, whom I can expect to follow my requests/expectations. Let mom throw a fit about not getting to keep DD. That's her worry.

PS I really dislike family members who throw fits to get things their way....

 

[luvsJack]

When we were in town I would be with my Grandparents when my parents were some where else. They never called to say I was going to the grocery store with them or any place else. My parents knew I was with them and they did not have to account for every move they made.

I wouldn't care if she took her all over the state at any other time. I don't care if she even told me where she was going just "we won't be here" would have been ok.

OP it sounds like you are coming up with good plans. It is largely because you DO love your mother that what you are doing (taking her out of the child care equation) is so important. She may be upset for a while, but this sounds like very much the right move to keep both yourself and your DD from becoming resentful of your mother over time (and thereby really hurting your relationships with her). I am glad you have been able to think things through and work them out

Thanks. I think doing it this way it won't seem to mom that I am really taking dd away from her (the words she uses when I have tried to do alternative child care in the past), but that dd is just really busy! Dd not getting resentful is the main thing to me.

Your mom is about 15 years older than she was when your DSs were 11. She may not enjoy sitting on backless bleachers. Why is you DS and his GF not going to the games? Is you dad still alive, is so why is he not going to the games? You seem to be mad at only your mom but you DS is getting off the hook. He plays a large part in all of this.

This poor women has been retired for 11 years. That could make her in her 70s. My aunts and uncles in their 70s cannot do what they could do 11 years ago. The older grandkids got way more time with them than the little ones do now. It is part of aging.

I am glad you are making other arrangements but let this go.

Like I said, I understand WHY things are they way they are, its just sad to me. Especially when some of the other girl's grandparents are at the games. In a later post I said my ds and dil come to some games (he works double shifts and can't be at all) and my other ds is out of the state but keeps up with the entire game by texting me. (he was even talking to me about dd's game the whole time he was at a MLB game the other night! lol ) She did go to a few games last year; maybe she will before the season is over

Sadly, my father died when dd was a baby if he was still with us you can bet your bottom dollar that he would be at every game with bells on.

I am letting it go, thats why I am just not talking to her right now so that she won't keep bringing it up.

I am not sure why you feel my son plays such a big part in this. He is not attached to my mom's hip. If I ask him to be responsible for his sister, he will and has; I am just not always sure when they are going to work a double and not be available. He will make sure she gets to practice on time if I need him to but I certainly do not want him taking time off from work for it. BTW, not a big thing but she is now his wife, not his gf.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS I really dislike family members who throw fits to get things their way....

SOOOOO true!!!!!
There is nothing worse than the matriarch/patriarch who uses the inocuous "We are family" when what they are really saying is "I am in control, you will do as I wish, and don't have any expectations of my doing anything out of respect for your wishes". OMG... just classic.
(BTDT with my MIL... and it is almost evil)

From the comments that have been posted, I think that this situation with the OP's mother, her actions and attitudes are probably so much worse than the OP has begun to realize.

The OP has one son and her grandchildren under her mother's influence.
And, now her mother's behavior and disrespect for the OP is affecting her younger daughter.

At the very least, my thoughts are

And, at the worst, I wonder if it should be more like

Of course, these are just the intuition that I am getting from some post on a chatboard. Maybe I shouldn't have posted the above....



Again, to you LuvsJack
I hope that you are able to work thru this and develop a better status-quo!

 

[bumbershoot]

AGAIN: I did not ask her or expect her to get my daughter anywhere at any time. I just would have liked to have been told that "hey we are taking your dd to the other side of town and don't know when we will get back".

Hey, I'm with you on that.

In fact, even when DH is 3/4 a world away and sleeping for most of our daytime, I send him emails when we're going out and about, just so he knows we're on the move. I'm very "worst case scenario", and to me the only thing worse than an accident would be an accident happening when others didn't know that accident could happen. Last time I flew anywhere without loved ones knowing was in grad school, going to a seminar in Chicago, and suddenly thinking "if this plane goes down and my mom sees it in the news, she won't have any clue that I was on this plane and it will be an even bigger shock when the call comes". Since driving is much less safe than flying, DH and I keep each other informed when we're driving places especially when DS is involved.

So to me, it's beyond common courtesy for her to let you know when your daughter is going elsewhere...guess she's lucky I'm not her daughter, since you are more relaxed about the traveling than I am (as gleaned from a later post by you).

I don't think it was too much to expect a phone call. And her attitude about it? What's with that? Does she always react that way in a conflict? I think that would be the most frustrating part of it, what would tick me off the most.

Definitely.

Respectfully--whether or not commerce took place is irrelevant.

The child was taken somewhere without informing her custodial parent.

For the mother of the child to not at a minimum have been informed is quite inappropriate.

One should not require payment to do something as simple as saying "Oh by the way, you dropped your daughter at my house, but I had to do XYZ and your daughter is no longer there but at ABC location."

So yes--she has grounds for complaint.

(She also has every reason to never use this family for free or for payment ever again for a sitting service as they clearly don't understand her rights to know the where-abouts of her child. Public schools are not paid and they cannot on a whim transport your child anywhere off school property without your full consent. Just b/c someone is a relative, is not implied consent.)

I agree with it all.

 

[rie'smom]

I disagree.

IMHO, age is never an excuse for being demanding or for being disrespectful.

I wasn't excusing the behavior. I was pointing out why the OP's mom may have acted that way.

 

[C.Ann]

I think it's time to make new arrangements - as this doesn't seem to be working out well for any of the people involved - including your DD..

Also, if she is going to be in an activity next year, I would make sure I knew I could get here there in a timely fashion (keeping in mind all possibilities: bad weather; heavy traffic; having to stay at work late; etc.) prior to signing her up..

Good luck!

 

[mumom95]

A phone call would have been nice. And I don't think your mother is completely in the right, if you say you are going to take care of someone and know they need to be somewhere at a certain time, then you follow through with what you agreed to.

But ultimately your mother is doing you a favor, so you really have no right to complain.

It does sound like your family is taking advantage of her. Let her be a grandmother, not a caregiver. I agree with the others that are saying it's probably time to make other arrangements.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

It would have been nice for your mom to call, but it doesn't sound like she will be changing her ways anytime soon. This is easily solved in the future. Hire a babysitter and have the sitter bring dd to the game and you meet them there.

 

[luvsJack]

A phone call would have been nice. And I don't think your mother is completely in the right, if you say you are going to take care of someone and know they need to be somewhere at a certain time, then you follow through with what you agreed to.

But ultimately your mother is doing you a favor, so you really have no right to complain.

It does sound like your family is taking advantage of her. Let her be a grandmother, not a caregiver. I agree with the others that are saying it's probably time to make other arrangements.

She does what she is doing BY HER CHOICE. She does keep dgd, while her mom and dad work; but they never asked her to; never expected her to. They had other arrangements but she wouldn't have it, I have offered other arrangements, she gets very angry. And they have others watch her as much as possible with mom griping and grumbling about it the whole time. I don't see how they are taking advantage of her if she is the one insisting on it. And again, they pay bills and take care of the house and the yard for living there. She ASKED them to move in with her to help with the work and the bills and to give her company.

As for dd, she is there for 40 minutes on one day and 3 hours on another day each week. She used to stay with my sister and her grandkids but mom asked for dd to come to her house on the long day each week so that she could go with her to the store and stuff like that (mom doesn't like to go by herself).

I am making other arrangements because its not worth the stress for me, but I will not say that we are taking advantage of my mother. I have never asked her to keep dd for anything other than that little bit of time after school and didn't actually ask her to do that. She wanted dd to be there so she just called dsis and told her to bring her there, I wasn't exactly consulted in the matter. And once again, I didn't ask her to do anything this time--just a flipping phone call.

As I said in a pp, maybe it is different in my family but we tend to just think of the kids as all our responsibility and we all work it out together. I do as much as the other family members in keeping any and all of the kids and transporting any and all of them.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I agree with family helping out and see nothing wrong with it at all. I just think it will be easier for you to have a sitter bring your dd to the game rather than relying on your dm who sounds, um, spirited and spontaneous. You won't have to worry about changes in plans, etc..

Plenty of adult kids move in with their aging parents to help maintain the house and watch out for them. Families have lived together and looked out for each other since the beginning of time, nothing wrong with that.

 

[luvsJack]

UPDATE:

After softball practice this evening, dd and I stopped by my mom's house to see dgd for a second. We walked in the house talking kind of excitedly about practice and some of the stuff that went on--not mad about a thing, just laughing and discussing it. Mother was in the kitchen as we walked in.

Mom looks at us and says, "here you two come again, fussing about something." I told her, "we weren't fussing about anything, we were just talking about practice". She turned her back on us and you could have cut the tension with a knife.

I walked on into the house and into the room with dil and dgd playing on the floor and said hello to them. Held and kissed the baby and talked to dil for a minute or two. And then told dil that we had to go so that dd could do her homework and practice her song for show choir tryouts tomorrow.

As we were walking out, I asked mom if she had talked to my sister that day. "Yes, she just left" So I asked if anything was said about dd and tomorrow (sis is picking her up and taking her with her to pick up her grandkids from school and then bringing her by my office, as I will be in a meeting during the time dd gets out of school tomorrow). "I don't remember, I don't know why you didn't call her". I told her that I had not been able to make a phone call all day as we were very busy with students and that I planned to when I got home. "oh, I forgot you are sooo busy" and then laughed.

When I called my sister I found out that when she was at my mom's house they had made plans for mom's birthday (this weekend) and going out to eat after church. Mom never mentioned it. So we will see how it goes. If she makes me feel as welcome going out to eat with them as she did in her house tonight, I won't be going. And the reason she and my sister made the plans and not me and my sister is because you can't do that with my mom. If she is not consulted from the beginning, she won't go along with whatever it is. The last I was told we were going to see if she wanted to have a cook out at my nieces house.

So, I will not be calling her or going to her house until whatever her issue is has passed. I have already made sure that dd won't need to go there for at least the next two weeks.

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack,

Your last post just serves to emphasize my thoughts and concerns even further.

Your mother INSISTS (translate impending whine-fest and guilt trip) that she keeps the other grandchildren. Your mother INSISTS that your son and his wife stay with her to serve her purposes. your mother INSISTS that your DD spend time with her. Again, your DD (who is only 11, right) must go to the store with her because she doesn't want to handle going alone. But, no way will she then let DD stay at her house for a little while so that she can make her practice.... just ship her off with the others.

(Note: my son is 12, still a child, and I would never, ever, allow him to be expected/used to meet an adults needs that way.
Help when appropriate, YES, gladly, of course!!!!
But, to give up other set commitments and be caught in emotional crossfire... no way, never, ever.)

It seems clear that your mother is currently having your children (including an 11 year old) to meet her needs and expectations.

So, your mother EXPECTS all of this, and seems to have all family in the immediate area firmly in tow... But, at the same time, a phone to you, as a parent, regarding where to find your own daughter at 4:00p.m. when you get off from work, in her opinion means that 'You are just expecting too much'.

With all due respect, I really feel that there are some heavy issues here regarding your mother. Some issues and family dynamics that I just can't begin to wrap my head around.

I think you are on the right track to pull back and to make other arrangements for your daughter.

I truly feel sorry for you with your son and your precious grandbaby being over there in that.

And, I am sending