Who is wrong?

[Wishing on a star]

but every time I try to make that point to my mom, she says "I don't have to ask your permission to do anything" Then she laughs and says I shouldn't expect so much

So right now I am just not talking to her at all (she seems to want to keep bringing the situation up and finding it all very amusing).

First, I think the enlarged, bolded, above answers any and all questions....
She is not comfortable with you expecting anything from her, at all.

Also, about the second part that I quoted above.... If your mother seems to want to be disrespectful and have a laugh (or even a smirk) at your expense.... I might not want to have any nice conversations with her either.

I never think it is okay for one to let somebody disrespect them this way. I am not saying to take an immature "I,m not talking to you" - placing your hands over your ears stance... But, it sounds like you need a whole new status quo.

Again, find other alternatives for your DD.

OP, I understand how you feel!!!!
And, you are probably very justified in your feelings!
Everyone has a right to their feelings.

However, it seems that you are wanting to influence your mother to try to fit your expectations.
Remember the old adage.... You can't control other people's actions and attitudes. You can and should control your reactions to them.

I would find other arrangements for my DD.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree that you've got to make arrangements for your daughter that don't include your mother. Find a sitter that can get her after school and watch her (and maybe even take her to her practices), so that you don't have to worry about any of the drama that goes with family doing the job for you. Good luck.

Oh and to answer your question. Your mother was wrong. She should have folllowed your instructions and certainly should have let you know if your daughter would not be at her house, ready to go when you go there (whether she was there or not).

Sorry your mother was essentially disrespectful to you. She doesn't need your permission for things, but she had no right to pass of your dd and have her travel about town with another sitter (even a relative) without notifying you.

Time to find new arrangements as it seems she really doesn't care one way or the other. It may seem unfair that she watches the other children and not yours...but it is what it is.

 

[luvsJack]

Your DD is not late because of Grandma she is late because you put her in a league that is cutting it too close for you to get her there after you get out of work.

Your sister and mother are doing you a favor watching your DD for free. Pay a babysitter to take care of her and have her ready when you get home.

Why should you mother have to schedule her day just so it is in your best interest?

Your mother is very generous to let you DS, his girlfiend and their baby live with her. Maybe your family is starting to take too much advantage of her and she is getting resentful.

When you are old enough to make a family it is time to pay for your own family and not rely on others to do favors day in and day out. She watched your mid-twenties kids and now you 11 year old. That is a long time of helping out. Cut Grandma a break.

How old is Grandma? Maybe a little "me" time is what Grandma needs.

I would never ask anybody to watch my kids for free.

Ok, let me be really clear on some of these things.

My son and his wife are welcome to live with me until they get a place (they are saving to purchase a trailer and live on our land) or they could find an apartment (which they were in the process of doing). My mother insisted that they live with her. She says that she needs the help around the house and the yard, the company and the help with the bills (which they pay the utlities and for the groceries). They never asked her to keep dgd. They had made other arrangements and she got very upset about it and wanted to take care of her herself. Dgd's other grandmother and grandfather keep her when they are off from work and I keep her on the days I am home from work. And, again, I have offered to help them pay for child care on other days but mother gets very upset when I mention it. BUT, that has nothing to do with my dd. DS is grown and the arrangment is between him and my mother.

Yes, my mother did take care of my sons before they started school. She also ran a child care center at the time so they were with her there. And it wasn't for free. After they started school, I was working with her there and it was my father who kept them after school on any days that they did not go to the center. He kept them because he wanted to put them in sports and he offered to get them to practice and games (he was usually their coach).

She has not kept dd all along. When dd was a baby until she went to kindergarten, she stayed with me at the center (mother retired when dd was 6 months old). For the first couple of years after dd started school she stayed with my sister. My mother didn't start keeping dd after school until she and my sister worked out a plan that mother would start picking dd and my sister's granddaughter up from school and taking them to my sister(all that has changed now) and like I said, its only two days a week. I am well aware that they are doing me a favor and I appreciate it. I make sure that dd is only there when I have no other choice, she stays with dh's mom a lot in the summer and will be going to several camps this year. I am off for all school holidays, so she is with me then.

As for dd's softball league, I didn't have a choice on leagues and I had no way of knowing ahead that her coach would require them to be there that at 5. I can get her there at 5, I am not asking them to do that. The reason she was late was that she was across town at a dance studio with my sister waiting for my sister's daughter to get there. Normally, she would have been at my mother's house.



If you will read what I said, I wasn't asking her to schedule anything around my child or me. I only asked that someone TELL me what is going on. If everything would have happened exactly as it did, BUT someone had called and told me what was happening it woudn't have been so bad. If mom or my sister would have just called and told me it would have been easy enough for either one to drop her by my work on their way. They pass the building, I could have met them outside. AGAIN: I WAS NOT ASKING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING, JUST TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON.

I don't need or want anyone to take dd anywhere, I will take her to practice and to any other acitivity, that is not the problem at all.


My mother has not only kept my kids but all of her grandkids at different times. The 4 children I mentioned in my op are my sister's grandchildren my mom doesn't keep them at all, my sister does.




In my family we have always all worked together for everyone to be able to work and the children be taken care of. During Christmas and spring breaks, I will have all of dsis's grandkids over so that she gets a break. I also keep my dgd every chance I can. During the summer I go to a 4 day work week and will take all the kids to the park or out for lunch when dd is home too. My niece's do the same when they take time off from work and so do their husbands. We have also all worked together to make sure the kids get to their activities and such. I have taken dsis's dgds to dance and her dgss to baseball practice. This is in no way a one way street.

 

[luvsJack]

I can understand being annoyed, but I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your mom probably didn't even think that your sister would have to take her kids to their activities when she left your DD in her care. It was a mistake. A mistake that your DD suffered for, but a mistake none the less. I think that getting too upset and blasting your mom will backfire on you.

Your DD is 11? Is there any reason why she can't stay home at your mom's or sister's house alone next time? Not for hours on end, but maybe 30-45 minutes? Does she have a cell phone?

BTW, I hate, Hate, HATE when coaches punish kids who are late like that. My DD had to do "punishment laps" on a local swimteam when she was just 8-years old when I dropped her off late. It was MY fault she was late and not HERS and she was punished for it. She would have to finish the laps before she could join the rest of her team on whatever they were working on. The most frustrating thing was that I was completely unaware that her coach was doing it! My DD never told me and I was a "drop and go" parent because watching my DD practice would drive me crazy (she was too much of a goof-off for me ... but she was only 8 after all). My DD grew to hate that coach and hated swimming because of that coach. It took all I had in me to convince her to try another team and another coach. It all worked out OK because two years later she loves swimming again .

I feel the same way (bolded part). I am used to it because of my sons but think that sometimes its unfair, especially when the times are hard on everyone. I think my problem this year is that most of the girls have at least on SAHP and can get there easier.

I would feel ok with dd being by herself but she is very uncomfortable with it. She does have a cell but we live back in the woods and so does my sister.

 

[Wishing on a star]

AGAIN: I WAS NOT ASKING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING, JUST TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON.

In my family we have always all worked together for everyone to be able to work and the children be taken care of.........

OP, I so agree with the frustration that you are feeling!!!!

However, very simply, if your mother is not willing to do the very simplest of things, like cooperate and communicate with you about what is going on (bold/underline above)... then, as much as this is NOT what you want to hear... You should probably seek other arrangements for your DD.

And, really, you don't need to over-react to a few comments here and take it like we think you are demanding or expect 'entitlement'. That is not exactly what we are saying.

You seem to justify this situation by the second part of your post that I quoted above. Sure, perhaps it has always been 'family working together'. But, clearly, you can not expect it to be that way today. Your mother retired ELEVEN years ago. It looks like with her attitude, she is working her way into an 'out' of all the assumed child-care expectations.

She has said to you, very plainly, that maybe 'You expect too much'.....
You really need to 'hear' that, whether it is what you want to hear, and whether it is painful to you, or not.

To be honest, just given the current situation, the living arrangements, the open disrespect, etc... I think that there are some definite underlying and complex family issues between you and your mother (son and all others involved as well).

So, with no judgement or disrespect towards you at all...

I think the over-riding advice here is to let it go and to make other arrangements for your DD.

 

[Carly_Roach]

So my question is, was I really being unreasonable? Please, understand, its not really about softball so much. Its about my mother acting like its not important and not even listening to me when I try to say "here, this is how we can avoid this problem"

This has always been my way of doing things:

If I'm not paying for it then I'm not entitled to have anything done just the way I want it done.

Period.

Regardless of what you think your mother should have done, she isn't being paid to make sure your daughter gets to softball practice on time nor is she being paid to call you in case a scheduling issue comes up. If you want your daughter there at the right time on the right date, use this instance as an example and pay someone else to watch your daughter on those days.

 

[luvsJack]

Wanted to be clear: I do not in any way think it is my mother's responsiblity to keep my child. I keep my dgd because I want to spend as much time with her as possible not because it is my responsiblity.

 

[Wishing on a star]

LuvsJack - We get that!!!!!

However, that is not the issue...
Please read, and re-read, my post just above.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I do not think it is as simple as someone person is totally wrong and the other is totally right, and honestly if you were LIVID I think there is a lot of other stuff going on that has built into that.

If what you truly want is simply to be TOLD where they are going to be I agree with a PP that you should get your DD a cell phone and put that responsibility on her. She is certainly old enough to handle calling mom from the car when she changes locations.

If there is more bothering you, then find other childcare arangments. Even if your mom balks. She'll get over it and it may be what saves your relationship.

I do wonder (since you say your mom would have been upset had you made your sons late to ball practice) if there is some possibly sexism going on here. Is it possible that your mom does not want your DD doing something she views as a boy's activity and thinks that if she does things to make DD late (and then have to run laps) DD will lose interest in the sport and move on to something more girly I hope this is not the reason 9and if it is I would say that is a reason to find alternate care for sure) but I have seen a few grandparents who are very pushy about preferring their grandkids in only typical gender activites

 

[NHdisneylover]

I feel the same way (bolded part). I am used to it because of my sons but think that sometimes its unfair, especially when the times are hard on everyone. I think my problem this year is that most of the girls have at least on SAHP and can get there easier.

I would feel ok with dd being by herself but she is very uncomfortable with it. She does have a cell but we live back in the woods and so does my sister.

Maybe you can offer to pay one of those stay at home parents a bit to take your DD home from school and then onto the game on those days Or offer to keep their kid(s) while they get something after working hours or on a weekend in exchange.

 

[kirstenb1]

Your mom sounds like she's suffering from burn-out. It sounds like she has a good heart, and wants to always say "yes", whether it's to your sister, your son, or you. I say this with no underlying sarcasm, or anything.

I'd find another daycare situation for your daughter. Also, keep the softball equipment in your car.

 

[luvsJack]

This has always been my way of doing things:

If I'm not paying for it then I'm not entitled to have anything done just the way I want it done.

Period.

Regardless of what you think your mother should have done, she isn't being paid to make sure your daughter gets to softball practice on time nor is she being paid to call you in case a scheduling issue comes up. If you want your daughter there at the right time on the right date, use this instance as an example and pay someone else to watch your daughter on those days.

AGAIN: I did not ask her or expect her to get my daughter anywhere at any time. I just would have liked to have been told that "hey we are taking your dd to the other side of town and don't know when we will get back".

 

[Wishing on a star]

If there is more bothering you, then find other childcare arangments. Even if your mom balks. She'll get over it and it may be what saves your relationship.

I completely and totally agree with the above.

The stress on your relationship could build to toxic levels if this situation and stress and frustration and anger continue.

I just have to say that it really jumped out at me that your DS and DIL were welcome to live with you, but your mother practically demanded that they live with her. And, then, yes, that is where they end up. That alone does more than raise my eyebrows. Almost makes my head spin.

OP, I really do believe that there are some issues here that you have not even recognized yet.

I continue to advise that you find other arrangements for your DD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

AGAIN: I did not ask her or expect her to get my daughter anywhere at any time. I just would have liked to have been told that "hey we are taking your dd to the other side of town and don't know when we will get back".

LuvsJack...
We heard you!!!!

This is not the issue.
This is WAY past that.

If you do not want to hear what we, who are well-meaning, are trying to get across to you. Then, we can all just simply wish the best for you and move on.....

 

[Carly_Roach]

AGAIN: I did not ask her or expect her to get my daughter anywhere at any time. I just would have liked to have been told that "hey we are taking your dd to the other side of town and don't know when we will get back".

AGAIN:

Regardless of what you think your mother should have done, she isn't being paid to make sure your daughter gets to softball practice on time nor is she being paid to call you in case a scheduling issue comes up. If you want your daughter there at the right time on the right date, use this instance as an example and pay someone else to watch your daughter on those days.

While it would have been nice to have received a phone call, and while you would have preferred (operative word) a phone call, you really have no grounds for complaint unless you were actually paying for a service.

The stress on your relationship could build to toxic levels if this situation and stress and frustration and anger continue.

I continue to advise that you find other arrangements for your DD.

I'll agree with this.

 

[Nancyg56]

AGAIN: While it would have been nice to have received a phone call, and while you would have preferred (operative word) a phone call, you really have no grounds for complaint unless you were actually paying for a service.
.

I must respectfully disagree with you. A commitment is a commitment even if there is no pay involved. I believe that the issue here is trust. If I leave a child with someone I trust that if that child is not going to be where she was supposed to be that I will be given a call. No call? No trust. No pay has nothing to do with that.

 

[luvsJack]

Ok, thanks to all of you for your responses. I have been really thinking about this and why it bothered me so much and why she acted the way she did.

First off, it hurt dd's feelings. She told everyone that she had to be at the field at 5 and she felt like it didn't matter to anyone as long as everyone else got where they needed to be. I told her that wasn't the case, it was just a lot of mishaps. Her grandmother passing it off as a joke didn't help her feelings but there wasn't much I could say to that, except "grandma didn't mean it that way".

Secondly, it does bother me that she treats dd's activities as completely unimportant. It wasn't that way at all when my sons were young. Its kind of hurtful that their baseball games were this big family affair (me, dh, my mom and dad and both sons going to every game), now the only one going to dd's games is me (dh is out of town all week) and sometimes one ds, the other ds, that played ball, is texting me throughout the games, lol. But, I do understand why it is that way.

My sister was just the innocent bystander. She had already told her dd that she would get the dgks to their appointed places when mom called and let her know that she was going to town and needed sis to take my dd with her.

Now on to what I plan to do about it. I am making arrangements at work to pick dd up from school on game days. And my sister and I are working things out for the other days. I am in the process of making sure the summer is covered with church camp, softball camp and show choir camp and my mil (who has asked for dd to come stay a week or two)

I love my mom but this just isn't worth the stress.

Thanks to everyone. I just needed to hear (read) what I already knew to be the better solution. I still am unhappy with what she did, but I cannot let her reasons for doing what she did to continue to bother me.

I jsut think it boils down to common courtesy and she didn't show me that.

 

[luvsJack]

I must respectfully disagree with you. A commitment is a commitment even if there is no pay involved. I believe that the issue here is trust. If I leave a child with someone I trust that if that child is not going to be where she was supposed to be that I will be given a call. No call? No trust. No pay has nothing to do with that.

Thank you. That is exactly how I felt.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't think it was too much to expect a phone call. And her attitude about it? What's with that? Does she always react that way in a conflict? I think that would be the most frustrating part of it, what would tick me off the most.

 

[wdwfan16]

I must respectfully disagree with you. A commitment is a commitment even if there is no pay involved. I believe that the issue here is trust. If I leave a child with someone I trust that if that child is not going to be where she was supposed to be that I will be given a call. No call? No trust. No pay has nothing to do with that.

When we were in town I would be with my Grandparents when my parents were some where else. They never called to say I was going to the grocery store with them or any place else. My parents knew I was with them and they did not have to account for every move they made.