Where do you draw the line?

[TeresaNJ]

I'm so irritated right now and feel I have to vent. My cousin is getting married in early December. We are quite a few years apart in age, her dad was my dad's youngest brother and they were 18 years apart, so my cousin is just a few years older than my oldest child.

Anyway, she IMs me today to ask for my middle child's address. He is married, and he and his wife will be invited to the wedding. She then informs me that she is adding my daughter and my oldest son's names to OUR wedding invitation. My son is 28, will be 29 by the time of the wedding, and doesn't live with us, and my daughter is 22, will turn 23 a few weeks after the wedding, and lives with her sig other. My cousin tells me she is only allowing "engaged" adults to bring a guest! Excuse me!!! Not for nothing, but my daughter has been with her boyfriend for the last six years. So she's suppose to leave him home? And my 28 yo son is suppose to come with mommy & daddy?

I just don't get people. I told her that if it was me, I'd only invite the people I really wanted there, and if I had to leave out some in order for the ones I really cared about to bring guests, then that's what I'd do. She is inviting people she hasn't seen in years and probably won't see in God knows how many more years after the wedding, if they even show up, because they are "family". She told me her parents made up the list. Yea right, she's 30 years old herself for God's sake.

Plus, to top it off, my daughter is a Senior photography major, and offered to take informal pics at the wedding at no charge. My cousin does community theater, and my daughter even did publicity shots AND printed them at no cost to my cousin because she knew my cousin was counting pennies. I'm so annoyed.

I told my cousin that I understood that they had to do what they had to do, but don't be offended if my daughter chooses not to come to the wedding. I swear I don't get people.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Here's my favourite wedding experience. My sister got married and because they didn't have a lot of money, they had a pay your own way reception. They booked at a restaurant, you could only pick from a select menu that they planned (a select EXPENSIVE menu, I might add) and then each guest had to pay. Okay. Well, then they decided not to invite me and my other sisters - only my mother and father. They said they didn't have room. My father didn't want to go so my mother brought me in his place, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go at all.

I'll tell you, my sisters and I were not impressed. It wasn't like it would have cost them anything because everyone had to pay for their own meal anyway!! And yes, they could have easily fit in a few more people - we're talking one more table of four, come on.

Teresa

 

[MainStMandy]

That is so tacky. I have a good friend who had this girl in here wedding, paid to fly her out to California and everything. Now that the girl is getting married she invited my friends husband to be in but not her...and open bar is only for the wedding party. She told my friends well he will just have to buy her drinks. Some people just don't think!

 

[sha_lyn]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

 

[TeresaNJ]

Here's my favourite wedding experience. My sister got married and because they didn't have a lot of money, they had a pay your own way reception. They booked at a restaurant, you could only pick from a select menu that they planned (a select EXPENSIVE menu, I might add) and then each guest had to pay. Okay. Well, then they decided not to invite me and my other sisters - only my mother and father. They said they didn't have room. My father didn't want to go so my mother brought me in his place, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go at all.

I'll tell you, my sisters and I were not impressed. It wasn't like it would have cost them anything because everyone had to pay for their own meal anyway!! And yes, they could have easily fit in a few more people - we're talking one more table of four, come on.

Teresa

OMG! Your story definitely tops mine! I think people lose their common sense when it comes to weddings. I told my cousin I totally understand that they have to draw the line, and if she had to draw the line by not inviting my children, I understand. However, to invite my middle son and his wife, and then tack my other adult children on to our invitation without guests, when they don't even live with me, is in my opinion the height of tackiness. I told her in what I hope she perceives as a respectful way, that I did not think her choice was the way to go. I think she is still hoping my daughter will take pics, but knowing my daughter, I think that is unlikely.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

I don't think it's appropriate to invite an adult to an event like a wedding, and not allow them to bring a guest. That's my opinion. I wouldn't do it, but I realize that we all have our own opinions.

 

[DVCLiz]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

Because these are not any guests - they are family. It's so very tacky.

Number one, all adults over the age of 18 who have a separate address should be invited at that address, not piggy-backed onto mom and dad's invite. Number two, to not allow family members to bring a guest, especially a live in significant other, is tacky and rude. I don't care what your money saving ideas are, it's just rude. Oh, and did I mention tacky???

 

[CapeCodTenor]

Here's my favourite wedding experience. My sister got married and because they didn't have a lot of money, they had a pay your own way reception. They booked at a restaurant, you could only pick from a select menu that they planned (a select EXPENSIVE menu, I might add) and then each guest had to pay. Okay. Well, then they decided not to invite me and my other sisters - only my mother and father. They said they didn't have room. My father didn't want to go so my mother brought me in his place, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to go at all.

I'll tell you, my sisters and I were not impressed. It wasn't like it would have cost them anything because everyone had to pay for their own meal anyway!! And yes, they could have easily fit in a few more people - we're talking one more table of four, come on.

Teresa

I was offended I wasn't invited to a friends wedding, so I can only imagine how I'd feel by not being ivited to a sibling's wedding.

 

[sha_lyn]

Because these are not any guests - they are family. It's so very tacky.

A guest of a faimly member is not family. No whre was it said that family members weren't invited.
I do have to agree that not sending invitations to the adult children of the OP is tacky. However I disagree that these adult children are intitled to bring a guest

 

[TeresaNJ]

A guest of a faimly memeber is not family

We could go round and round on this, but when you have adults living together as significant others and you don't invite both of them, I think that is wrong. Why, because my daughter doesn't have an official engagement ring? What if my daughter was gay? Does she not get to bring her sig other of six years to a wedding because they are not married? While I don't agree with not allowing any adult to bring a guest, I could understand a teeny bit if my son didn't have a guest attached to his invite, as he's not seeing anyone at this time, but he should at the very least get his own invitation at his own address.

 

[Hoodie]

OMG! Your story definitely tops mine! I think people lose their common sense when it comes to weddings. I told my cousin I totally understand that they have to draw the line, and if she had to draw the line by not inviting my children, I understand. However, to invite my middle son and his wife, and then tack my other adult children on to our invitation without guests, when they don't even live with me, is in my opinion the height of tackiness. I told her in what I hope she perceives as a respectful way, that I did not think her choice was the way to go. I think she is still hoping my daughter will take pics, but knowing my daughter, I think that is unlikely.

Each adult should get their own invitation. It is the bride's decision to make that invitation an "and Guest". She is completely within her right to limit the And Guest to engaged couples (although in that case, the invitation should be addressed to both). It's tacky to just lump them on to your invitation (especially if they are NOT living with you. it is considered acceptable if they live with you). It's equally tacky to assume that a guest is included, even if the guests are adults and are currently dating someone.

Weddings are a pain.

My personal "tacky" story was that the couple requested "the gift of money" written ON their invitation. I usually give money anyway (easier for me and for them) but for that one I sent a gift.

 

[corndog]

I told her that if it was me, I'd only invite the people I really wanted there, and if I had to leave out some in order for the ones I really cared about to bring guests, then that's what I'd do.

Isn't that what she's doing? Only inviting the people she wants there, that is?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I'm a 31 year old single woman who has been dating the same man seriously for a long time. I choose to just not go to functions he is not welcome at and vice versa. I recently turned down a wedding invite because of this very reason and we do not live together.

Sorry, but if I was planning to marry this man (or anyone else) any invitee I had where I knew they had a serious, committed relationship and esp. if they were living together! would be bringing a guest. I'd cut costs in other places if cost was the issue. It's not 1956. Lots of couples choose not to get married for whatever reason. Many for financial reasons. It would never occur to me to not invite a person who was living with my sibling to a wedding.

Also, just wanted to add, I know gay couples who have been living together for 10 years who are not allowed to get married in the states they live in. Should they not be allowed to bring each other to family functions because they aren't married?

 

[Stella3]

We could go round and round on this, but when you have adults living together as significant others and you don't invite both of them, I think that is wrong. Why, because my daughter doesn't have an official engagement ring? What if my daughter was gay? Does she not get to bring her sig other of six years to a wedding because they are not married? While I don't agree with not allowing any adult to bring a guest, I could understand a teeny bit if my son didn't have a guest attached to his invite, as he's not seeing anyone at this time, but he should at the very least get his own invitation at his own address.

Oh goodness, aren't you being a bit dramatic?! Around here it is very common to only invite spouses/fiancees.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Isn't that what she's doing? Only inviting the people she wants there, that is?

It didn't seem that way, but maybe I misunderstood. I know she is inviting step cousins through marriage that she has not even met, but they are a "cousin" in her words. I can't imagine leaving out the sig other of a cousin you are close to, who is taking semi-pro pics of your wedding for free, in order to invite family members you don't see at any other time.

Again, let me be clear that if she couldn't afford to invite any of my kids I'd be fine with that. I think it's inappropriate to invite adults without guests period. I lived with my now husband for two years before we got married. We never were officially engaged. I guess he wouldn't have been invited either if she had gotten married then, and I wouldn't have gone without him.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Oh goodness, aren't you being a bit dramatic?! Around here it is very common to only invite spouses/fiancees.

Around here it isn't!

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Oh goodness, aren't you being a bit dramatic?! Around here it is very common to only invite spouses/fiancees.

Around here it's practically unheard of to NOT invite long term SO's (I'm talking year+ of being together, not like, someone you just met) and I've actually never heard of a person who lived with a long term SO not being invited.

 

[hentob]

Again, let me be clear that if she couldn't afford to invite any of my kids I'd be fine with that. I think it's inappropriate to invite adults without guests period. I lived with my now husband for two years before we got married. We never were officially engaged. I guess he wouldn't have been invited either if she had gotten married then, and I wouldn't have gone without him.[/COLOR]

Your daughter lives with her boyfriend and he is not invited b/c they are not engaged


Bridezilla

 

[hentob]

Around here it's practically unheard of to NOT invite long term SO's (I'm talking year+ of being together, not like, someone you just met) and I've actually never heard of a person who lived with a long term SO not being invited.

I have never heard of inviting an ADULT and not putting "and guest"...even if they aren't in a long term relationship

 

[Stella3]

I'm a 31 year old single woman who has been dating the same man seriously for a long time. I choose to just not go to functions he is not welcome at and vice versa. I recently turned down a wedding invite because of this very reason and we do not live together.

Sorry, but if I was planning to marry this man (or anyone else) any invitee I had where I knew they had a serious, committed relationship and esp. if they were living together! would be bringing a guest. I'd cut costs in other places if cost was the issue. It's not 1956. Lots of couples choose not to get married for whatever reason. Many for financial reasons. It would never occur to me to not invite a person who was living with my sibling to a wedding.

Also, just wanted to add, I know gay couples who have been living together for 10 years who are not allowed to get married in the states they live in. Should they not be allowed to bring each other to family functions because they aren't married?

If the BRIDE and GROOM do not want them there, then NO, they should not be allowed to bring them. People are forgetting that they are not entitled to bring a guest just because they want to. If they bride and groom WANT them to bring a guest, it is fine, if they don't, suck it up.