When is it time to charge rent to children?

[tennisfan]

Not from the US but my parents rule was all the time I was in full time education I didn't have to pay to live at home. I'm now in full time employment & pay about $200 per month in rent. I have been helping around the house cleaning etc since before I was a teenager. I pay for my own car etc & other things I want.

 

[maddmike]

My children will always have a room available in our home free of charge no matter how old they are. But with that said, they aren't going to lay around and do nothing but watch tv and eat. I would make sure they particpate in household duties and chores.

 

[Darcy03231]

our rule is as long as my children are full time students we'll continue to support them. Once they're not, they become tenants and pay rent.

I will say there are exceptions to every rule though. If one of my children lost their job (through no fault of their own) and had to come home until they were back on their feet, or there was some other catastrophic situation, I wouldn't charge rent, but they would be helping out around the house. If all they did was lay around all day, eat and watch tv they would then be looking for another place to live.

 

[FoundMyPrince]

I'm a strong believer in helping my kids get the best start in life. So this why I'm having a hard time with my question.

My oldest son is 20, he works hard at 2 jobs. He works full time and then owns his own lawn service. We live in the south and it's a huge business... but he just started out, so it's slow to build customers. But he's on the ball building it. Gotta give him credit there.
He pays for his own truck, car and health ins., And I was comfortable with that until his fiance had to move in. She got kicked out of her house because her parents caught her smoking cigs. (she's also 20) She works full time plus just got another part time job starting next month.

Her parents will not pay for the wedding because she is living here. Although, they kicked her out of their house. They wanted her to learn her lesson and sleep on the streets. (I swear it) of course, as my husband says, we take in stray animals, clearly we're going to take in a person.

Ok, so I realize they are working and trying to save for a wedding, that we can't at the moment afford to pay for either. (not that her parents can afford one right now either, her father barely works and the mother doesn't. She has no other kids living at home but says she can't work.)
My Husbands work has been slow. We've lost over $80,000 in income alone in the last year. So yeah, we're struggling to keep up with the bills. We pay everything each month, but there's not a lot left over, for now. I realize someday his business will pick back up, it's just going to take time.

Now, my whole point is, we're struggling too - and havne't expected money from the kids. I pay for all their food (unless they eat out) electric, cable, supplies, and so on.
At first, she was sorta helping clean up- but that stopped. I have 3 bathrooms, one which is theirs and my and hubby ended up cleaning last night. I was having a bad day- and that broke the dam. I shouldn't have to clean up after them?!!!! As it is, I cook the meals, shop for everything, and pretty much pay for everything.

So I told them last night, that IN no way should I ever have to clean up after them. I don't even get help after dinner- when I cooked it. Well, ok, sometimes they clear the table. From time to time load or unload the dishwasher....

And I told them they needed to talk over how much they could 'help' out with as far as food and electric each month. I didn't put in a price. But like I explained, I buy the cleaning products and you can't even use them to clean up your bathroom! I buy all of the laundry supplies, food... and so I think it's time they kick in a few bucks. Of course, I feel terrible.
She owes her parents a few hundred dollars for when she left, they let her borrow money to buy a car. (a couple of hundred, nothing big) and she's paying them back. GREAT, but I'm the one raising her now, not them. I feel bad about feeling like this, but I think it's time she pays something around here.

Am I totally wrong or on the mark?? When is it time to start charing your kids? How much is ok to charge, if you do? I honestly , wasn't saying my son had to pay but more HER.... but included both of them... because maybe it's time for him as well. I understand times are tough!! But when it is time to say... sorry, you live here too, you have to help.

Ok, ok, thanks for listening to me ramble... I'm worried I did something bad-- or did I do something OK???

TIA for your help.

Please don't write and say... what a horrible mother I am for asking for some 'money' each month. I mean, you can but please be nice. LOL I really hate when threads get ulgy.

I do work from home (travel agent for Disney) and I also homeschool my 2 other children. So I'm not a lazy pig who doesn't do anything all day.

Well, I couldn't be so generous.

If I'm understanding this correct, the 20yrDS and his girlfriend are living with you, trying to save for a wedding. I'd tell them to elope and find their own home asap.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If it was just your child there then I would say that I would not charge rent. However, they want to play house then they need to pay the landlord. Sorry, but they are both working and they are not even helping out. What kind of girl would even consider staying at someone else's house and not even ask to chip in or at the very least clean up? Why doesn't your son help out especially if he knows you are struggling a bit?

 

[MushyMushy]

My children will always have a room available in our home free of charge no matter how old they are. But with that said, they aren't going to lay around and do nothing but watch tv and eat. I would make sure they particpate in household duties and chores.

That was always my family's attitude. My husband, OTOH, had to pay the going rate for rent in his area.

Personally, I would just have had a talk about what was going on with the laziness. And sometimes young people just don't think and need to be told or asked specifically what to do. I'm embarrassed by this now, but that happened with me when I was 18/19... I'd gone to live with an uncle and aunt in another state and I didn't contribute anything. Once my aunt pointed it out to me (gently and without judgment, bless her heart), I saw the error of my ways and started contributing. Not financially, but with work and effort around the house.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Actually, I would probably give them a date they need to move out.

Now I know that is not what you are asking about but my gut feeling in your situation is that "it is time".

I got married at the JOP. If that is why they are living there, to save up for a wedding, that is silly to me.

Ditto.

I'd only call you a bad mom, OP, if it's ten years later and your ds and his girl and their KIDS are also now living with you and you wrote "ten years ago I asked what I should do but then I did nothing and now this is happening." then I'd be grumpy with you.

Now I say, although transitions are hard, it sounds like you need a little more "me" time that doesn't involve you being a maid, cook and dogsbody to your adult children and their girlfriend . If it feels selfish to kick them out, well, I think you've probably earned the right to a little selfishness, it sounds like.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm all about diplomacy so before i say anything know this is where I'm coming from. I don't know how I feel about asking for rent because even though it is perfectly reasonable I think it has a connotation of profit. Now according to your post this is not at all the case but, my point is, that since the money would just get dropped into a pool of household income it COULD generate hard feelings. That said how about just asking them to take over a few household bills equivalent to what you'd like them to kick in? If for example, you'd like $500 a month how about asking them to pay for gas, electric and the telephone and cable? The end result is the same, they are reducing you're financial burden and you do get more disposable income in your pocket equal to what they are paying, BUT the form is different and will be recieved differently. Picking up the tab for bills is tangible, they can see in black & white what it costs to run your home and will feel like they are contributing towards household costs, a household they are a part of not being treated as borders. Does this make sense?

In my opinion approach is everything especially when you consider the fact that one day you will probably need your son and his fiance to help you out either financially or when your health begins to fail in old age. It's best to not generate hard feelings they will, no doubt, remember.

I would never ask my kids to leave after all, if I do why on earth would they or their spouses be willing to take me in when I'm old and need care? Sure it's inconvenient but it's the cycle of life isn't it? At least that's how I see it.

The cycle of life? If you are talking cycle of life they would have gotten married and moved out.

Now I do understand helping them out so they could save and get their own place, but I do not understand the concept of saving for a fancy wedding.

To me big weddings are for people that are not struggling like they are.

OK, so they save for this wedding and then they are going to continue to live at home with mom/MIL?

I guess I would encourage the OP to have a serious "sit-down" and discuss finances, wedding plans they have, and what the plan is after they marry.

Maybe they have saved a ton already and are close to the goal? OK, I would probably give them some leeway.

Now if I sit down with them and they are no where near their goal of getting married and they have no plans on how they are going to support themselves after they marry, it is probably time to give them the move out date.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I also wanted to note something about transitions in life.

Another poster here on the Dis has a signature that has a bunch of "life stages" humourously portrayed, with an arrow pointing to the one they're at right now (two retired people in a camper, lol).

There are natural transition points in life that facilitate our moving from one stage in life to another.

They are not always pleasant or comfortable transitions, but I think they are necessary, because if you miss that transition "window" then part of your life stagnates. And I think the further you get from that original transition window, the more difficult that transition becomes.

Your son and his girlfriend are missing out on opportunities that occur with young adults who transition to independence, you would be doing them a world of good to push them out of the nest, both for yourself, the rest of your family (who is also caught in the lack of your son transitioning) and for the two of them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The cycle of life? If you are talking cycle of life they would have gotten married and moved out.

Now I do understand helping them out so they could save and get their own place, but I do not understand the concept of saving for a fancy wedding.

To me big weddings are for people that are not struggling like they are.

OK, so they save for this wedding and then they are going to continue to live at home with mom/MIL?

I guess I would encourage the OP to have a serious "sit-down" and discuss finances, wedding plans they have, and what the plan is after they marry.

Maybe they have saved a ton already and are close to the goal? OK, I would probably give them some leeway.

Now if I sit down with them and they are no where near their goal of getting married and they have no plans on how they are going to support themselves after they marry, it is probably time to give them the move out date.

No need to be snarky about it. For the record, there was a time when families lived near each other and helped each other out all the time. Young couples habitually stayed with their parents until they could buy a home because marriage happened young, parents didn't need daycare because that's what their parents were for and old folks didn't go into homes, that's what their kids were for.... and it worked for generations. In my opinion, cycle of life does not mean moving out at 18 any more, how on earth could it with the price of many homes even after the crash above most people's reach with credit for a home impossible to get and the cost of food through the roof? For goodness sake, with all the people here on the DIS who are scrimping to put food on the table their entire lives and living hand to mouth one would think the reality that more supportive extended parenting could help them get a leg up in life would take off. But it hasn't. Most people just do what was done to them with little thought of the consequences of those choices. To each their own of course, but don't go slinging mud if you don't want it tossed back your way.

 

[Handbag Lady]

It is time for the kids to grow up and pay their own way.

Sit them down like others have said and go over a gameplan. $x for rent, $x amount for household, $x for maid service (OR they can just do it themselves!), $x to put towards a wedding and then show them and help them make a budget for all of it. I would also expect them to not eat out any more if they can't make rent.

 

[mjkacmom]

In my opinion approach is everything especially when you consider the fact that one day you will probably need your son and his fiance to help you out either financially or when your health begins to fail in old age. It's best to not generate hard feelings they will, no doubt, remember.

I would never ask my kids to leave after all, if I do why on earth would they or their spouses be willing to take me in when I'm old and need care? Sure it's inconvenient but it's the cycle of life isn't it? At least that's how I see it.

My parents never needed to support their aging parents financially, I never expect to have to support my parents financially, and I never plan on having my children support me financially. Yes, my mom drove my grandparents to doctors appointments, even though my grandfather charged my dad rent the day he finished graduate school.

I don't plan on taking in my parents or my IL's, so don't assume your DIL is going to expect to take you in. None of my grandparents were in nursing homes, although one grandmother had a live-in until she died at the age of 95. My parents charged me rent (probably an incentive to get out on my own, something my parents also felt was very important to do before I settled down with a husband), and yet I will support them as they grow older.

 

[SC Minnie]

This girl has a full AND a part time job and is not currently paying rent or utilities. She should have plenty of $ to repay her parents. I agree with everyone else. These 2 need to get out on their own. I see you live in the same general area that I do. With both of them working they should be able to afford an apt in this area as well as utilities. It's time for them to help out around the house and stop disrespecting you and your husband. IMO not helping out and not cleaning up after themselves is disrespectful. You are allowing them to live in your home. They should be grateful but they are taking advantage. Time for them to grow up. Either pay you rent/utilities AND help out or get their own place.

And I agree with other, they shouldn't be saving for a big wedding they can't afford.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No need to be snarky about it. For the record, there was a time when families lived near each other and helped each other out all the time. Young couples habitually stayed with their parents until they could buy a home because marriage happened young, parents didn't need daycare because that's what their parents were for and old folks didn't go into homes, that's what their kids were for.... and it worked for generations. In my opinion, cycle of life does not mean moving out at 18 any more, how on earth could it with the price of many homes even after the crash above most people's reach with credit for a home impossible to get and the cost of food through the roof? For goodness sake, with all the people here on the DIS who are scrimping to put food on the table their entire lives and living hand to mouth one would think the reality that more supportive extended parenting could help them get a leg up in life would take off. But it hasn't. Most people just do what was done to them with little thought of the consequences of those choices. To each their own of course, but don't go slinging mud if you don't want it tossed back your way.

Yes, I am well aware of that, but this is not the situation here. In order for your scenario to be true to form they would have needed to be married before she moved into the OP's home.

Can't have it both ways.

 

[Tigger2252]

The minute my daughter decided to drop out of college I told her she needed to get a job with health insurance and start paying rent. Up until then we were paying for her car insurance and all of her other expenses. She was lucky to find a pretty decent job with benefits and also worked a part time job. She pays $200 month, which I think is a real bargain considering it includes utilities, cable, internet, and food.

 

[dawn1620]

First of all you are being very generous letting her stay with your family. Even if these two are saving toward whatever and paying off bills they should also be paying toward the household expenses to a degree. They are eating your food, using your electricity, ect all the while not paying you for any of it. On top of that you are being maid and cook for them. As two adults living in your house you should not have to tell them to chip in or to clean up after themselves.

This sounds like two people who were raised with a lot done for them. By not setting up some ground rules and expectations you are just enabling them.

The rules in my house after we turned 18 - either college or job. If you have a job then you are fully expected to pay for part of the household expenses...it's still cheaper than being on their own. Also helping around the house was not even questioned. In my parents mind if you were old enough to consider yourself as an adult then you should act like one.

If they balk at the idea of helping around the house or chipping in then tell them to look at the alternative.......moving out. I don't think they'll put up much of a fuss.

 

[locolala]

DH and I plan to raise our kids the way his parents raised him. After graduation from high school, you either go to college on scholarship or loans, join the military, or get out of the house and find a job and place to live. My parents had a similar point of view. They didn't pay for my college (I did through loans and 2 scholarships), and while I was in school I didn't have to pay rent when I came home during breaks and the summer. If I wanted money, I had to work. I honestly think you should start charging some kind of rent, whether it's helping out with groceries and utilities or even just turning over a bulk of the cleaning to them. Good luck!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

First of all you are being very generous letting her stay with your family. Even if these two are saving toward whatever and paying off bills they should also be paying toward the household expenses to a degree. They are eating your food, using your electricity, ect all the while not paying you for any of it. On top of that you are being maid and cook for them. As two adults living in your house you should not have to tell them to chip in or to clean up after themselves.

This sounds like two people who were raised with a lot done for them. By not setting up some ground rules and expectations you are just enabling them.

The rules in my house after we turned 18 - either college or job. If you have a job then you are fully expected to pay for part of the household expenses...it's still cheaper than being on their own. Also helping around the house was not even questioned. In my parents mind if you were old enough to consider yourself as an adult then you should act like one.

If they balk at the idea of helping around the house or chipping in then tell them to look at the alternative.......moving out. I don't think they'll put up much of a fuss.

Even so, by having to tell them to do this, you're putting the OP in the position of having to DO parenting instead of stepping back and just BEING a parent-who wants to be the grownup kid police?

Nothing worse, imo, than nagging someone else's 20 year old daughter to remember to scrub the toilet...

 

[disykat]

Well, I wouldn't be cleaning their bathroom, that's for sure. If they are adults (and as you're letting them live together under your roof, I presume that you consider them such), then their space in the house is theirs, and you don't enter it without an invitation. .

Are you serious? The OP didn't say they have an apartment in her house. They are being allowed to live IN the family home and thus share that space with the family. I highly doubt they have their own bathroom. They don't have their own space.

 

[lspst8]

Speaking as someone who lived with my parents for about 9 months after I finished law school, they didn't charge me rent because I was saving $700 every month for a down payment on house. I did buy groceries, prepare some meals, and help with cleaning.

My sister is currently staying with my parents for about two months because she is getting marrried next month and the lease on her apartment was up in August. She isn't paying rent, but is also helping with food and other chores.

We did not have significant others living at our parents' house too. My parents would have flipped their lids had we tried that one! They are very old-school.

Unless you really need the money to pay the bills, why don't you charge them "rent" but hold it in a savings account so they have a securiy deposit on an apartment? And they definately should be cleaning their bathroom, buying groceries, help cooking. It seems like two able-bodied people with multiple jobs should be able to save up enough money for an apartment in just a few months.