When is Enough, Enough? (Debate)

[Maleficent13]

Another thread is talking about Britney Spears, and some are questioning how a woman could marry a guy who left his pregnant wife/GF/SO.

I stated that I know a woman who did marry a guy who left his pregnant wife. He didn't know she was pregnant when he left her; he didn't find out until a few months later when she called him with "Ha! I'm pregnant! Now you have to come back!"

He didn't go back. They got divorced, and raised the baby through joint custody.

This guy's marriage was awful...they had violent fights, screaming matches, general ugliness. In contrast, he's been remarried to my friend for 20 years without any of that.

Someone's contention on the other thread was that people take marriage vows too lightly, that people view them as "pesky" impediments to happiness. So, my question is, how much is enough before you call it quits?

 

[monkeyboy]

8 is enough so I hear

 

[snoopy]

I think if you want to always be gratified in whatever way, marriage will disappoint. Marriage is not for wimps or for kids. You've got to be willing to stick it out after the fireworks wear off, which many people aren't willing to do these days. The rewards of course can be sublime, but for some couples, it just can't be done. We have close friends that recently divorced -- communication was just not going to happen for them. They were both so unhappy, but neither had a clue how to articulate that to the other, so they threw in the towel. Both are happily single now.

 

[grinningghost]

Well, both DH and I had previous relationships (he was married, I was not) that were awful. Awful in different ways.

My long-term boyfriend was abusive, mentally and physically. He was an alcoholic (even though he never would admit to it). I stuck it out for far longer than I should have - enough should have been enough on about day 5 of the relationship. I was stupid.

DH's ex-wife was a cheater and had a welfare mentality - everyone in society "owes" her. They married way too young - it was never destined to last and probably shouldn't have ever happened. Enough was enough when he finally grew up enough to realize that.

There are lots of ways for enough to be enough.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I knew enough was enough when exh kicked me and the baby out (she was 14 months old at the time). He wasn't done being a child and didn't want the responsibility of a family. So he got married again 3 months after our divorce and had another baby 13 months later. How easily we were replaced. Ok, so I'm still a little bitter, lol.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think everybody has their "point" when enough is enough. I also think that many people's "point" comes WAY too quick when it comes to marriage.

Marriage is not for sissies. It is not easy at times, and it is not fun at times. Marriage is a thread through your life, and life is not easy or fun at times.

I think abuse is an obvious reason to end a marriage. I also think think infideltiy is a obvious reason to end a marriage,because it speaks to deeper issues of trust and integrity which are both of paramount importance to me.

Other folks live differnetly, and will tolearte stuff I wouldn't, while stuff I would tolerate would make them run screaming for the hills.

It's a very subjective topic, I guess.

 

[grinningghost]

Disney Doll, you make a great point by saying that some people give up on marriage too quick.

I think sometimes a marriage benefits from hard times (of course abuse and infidelity don't qualify as "hard" times) - I know in my own marriage, the rough spots have made us much stronger. You learn to work together to solve a problem and once that problem is solved, you have alot to celebrate.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I don't think anybody should ever stay in an abusive relationship. Ever.

That being said, many marriages don't end in explosive battles they just kind of fizzle out. I heard a sermon at church a couple of weeks ago where the Pastor was talking about some people in counselling continuously whining about "he" or "she" doesn't meet my needs anymore. Marriage is just as much about meeting the other person's needs as it is about your own satisfaction.

There are several studies currently that show that the mindset of the past couple years about how children shouldn't live in a household where Mom and Dad don't love each other is false. As long as Mom and Dad can still get along and not participate in screaming fights on a nightly basis, children are usually better off in an intact family. So marriage can also be just as much about meeting the needs of your offspring.

 

[snarfer1]

Originally posted by grinningghost
Disney Doll, you make a great point by saying that some people give up on marriage too quick.

I think sometimes a marriage benefits from hard times (of course abuse and infidelity don't qualify as "hard" times) - I know in my own marriage, the rough spots have made us much stronger. You learn to work together to solve a problem and once that problem is solved, you have alot to celebrate.

ITA with Disney Doll & grinningghost

 

[jrydberg]

I took my marriage very seriously. Unfortunately, one person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two. Sadly, I learned this first hand.

I would agree that most people's "point" comes way too quick.

 

[snoopy]

I agree that a marriage can survive even if the couple is no longer in love when raising happy children is the common goal. I suggested that the other day on one of the relationship threads and was shot down, but I have seen it work. I know for me, "enough" would have to be a situation I felt I couldn't live with under any circumstances, like abuse, otherwise I'd do whatever it took to stay with my husband for the sake of our children. Our marriage vows were a formal way of saying "I love you and will do whatever it takes to make this work" and not "I love you but when the going gets tough, we'll just get divorced".

 

[DarrenSt]

Yelling and screaming I could deal with but if there was physical fights that would be it I would leave. I am not a vilent person and one of my ex's used to yell and scream at me all the time I just tuned her out I think it made her even more angry. One night during a screaming match she hauled off and hit me so I told her to get out and don't let the door hit her in the butt on the way and that was the last I ever saw of her.

 

[Lisa F]

I feel like a lot of people who get divorced never should have gotten married in the first place and if they actually did a little soul searching and talking to their partner, they never would have. We went through fairly extensive counseling sessions with the rabbi who married us during which he asked us some pretty tough questions, all of which we hashed out BEFORE making the committment. We jokingly asked him how many people decide not to get married after going through that process and he said we'd be surprised.

 

[aimee11621]

MySIL had been married for six years plus . They had there first child (now 14) at the time the baby was 12months old. He started to see another woman. My SIL was devasted. She began to BEG that he come back home . He wouldn't . Her choice was to get pregnant again by him. Two kids later....

His mistress which he lost everything for, left him years later.


With that being said , if a man decides he wants to leave let him go. Don't use kids. Be the better woman. Don't take **** from any man.

Child support and palimony will get them good. Have pride.

Ok flame me now>>

 

[CRB#33]

For me it was when my children were better off when they were not in the presence of their parents together.

There was so much anger and hostility and they were so little. I just needed to give them peace and love 100% of the time.

That's all that mattered.

 

[Dr. Quack]

I like Dear Abby or Ann Lander's response to this, which was the question:

Are you better off with OR without him/her?

Only the individual person can answer that question and hopefully, they will be honest with themselves and not act out of selfishness. But then I also believe in a place called WDW, Mickey Mouse and pixie dust.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Originally posted by jrydberg
I took my marriage very seriously. Unfortunately, one person cannot make a marriage work. It takes two. Sadly, I learned this first hand.

I would agree that most people's "point" comes way too quick.

I got married young. I was 19, exh was 20. The only good thing that came out of my marriage was my dd. After 4 years of marriage, exh told me he never loved me and only married me to get out of his parents house (I made more money than him and had an apartment). We separated. A week later, I was replaced. Why would I want to stay with a cheater who didn't love me? I'd rather be married to someone who actually cares about what happens to me. It still hurts and I'm very bitter at times. But mostly because our dd is from a "broken" home now. I hate that for her and I cry many nights because of it. DD doesn't know any different though since she was very young when the separation happened. And she's such a happy little girl. Ok, I have no idea what the point of this post is...I guess I'm just rambling.