When in laws cause problems

[Disney Dynamite]

I was surprised by that too, I am thinking he is trying to feel for how bad will it be if he does tell him he can stay and is it worth that? there is still hope but I am not holding my breath.

It almost seems like he's wanting you to agree and be happy about the decision to let BIL stay so he (your DH) can feel good about getting his way. Or maybe DH has realized that he crossed a line with you yesterday. I'm sorry you're still going through this, and I hope you're able to still go on vacation and enjoy yourself and time with your family. Crappy family members are just a pain.

 

[Colargol]

Show him the thread! It might be a wake up call for him.

Also, glad to hear he is hesitating about inviting brother! I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for a good talk tonight.

 

[Schminston-Mo]

Sorry you are going through this.

Just a couple of thoughts I had.

1: When BIL moved in with MIL, did he say "I am going to move in and stay on your couch forever?" or did he think he was just going to stay a week or so and yet there he is.

2: A week away may be a perfect opportunity for MIL's roommate to take some action toward preventing BIL from coming back.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Sorry you are going through this.

Just a couple of thoughts I had.

1: When BIL moved in with MIL, did he say "I am going to move in and stay on your couch forever?" or did he think he was just going to stay a week or so and yet there he is.

2: A week away may be a perfect opportunity for MIL's roommate to take some action toward preventing BIL from coming back.

Before he moved in with MIL he asked us and he made it sound like it was a very temporary thing, like a week, maybe two ...he came right out and said him and his girlfriend were going to keep trying to work on her parents to let him go back there, because he doesn't want to live here, he wants to live there with her, in her parents house. So I don't know what he told MIL when he asked if he could stay but I believe the roommate (because she doesn't know him) believed it was a couple of days. i want to say its been about 5 months now?

In a text last week to DH BIL told him "I think my girlfriends parents are going to break soon". How sad is that.

 

[DizBelle]

UPDATE - last night I got home before DH, got the girls and went school shopping, ice cream for dinner...we needed some retail therapy and sugar. It was a nice night. We got home DH came up to me and went in for a hug, and a "I'm so sorry babe". I told him "just don't" He said he had not told his brother he could stay....yet....and wanted to discuss it more.

Which we did not do. I am running out of time on getting back to school stuff ready and leaving for this trip so i spent the night labeling, laundry etc. I needed some mind numbing tasks for a while. I'm sure we will talk to night. I did ask DH to not text me at work any more unless someone was on fire. So hopefully today I have some peace and can get stuff straightened out at the office before I leave next week. I'm feeling extremely tired and overwhelmed at this point.

I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy that your DH hasn't told BIL that he can stay yet. I'm actually crying tears of relief on your behalf (as if this is my situation - however I'm a crier. I'm the girl that cries at the end of Hunchback of Notre Dame EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. for nearly 20 years now )

I truly hope that you and DH can have a discussion about this. That he sees how greatly affected you are by this situation. And that he eventually stands by you and doesn't let BIL stay. I really don't think you can enjoy your vacation if BIL is in your house while you are gone.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy that your DH hasn't told BIL that he can stay yet. I'm actually crying tears of relief on your behalf (as if this is my situation - however I'm a crier. I'm the girl that cries at the end of Hunchback of Notre Dame EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. for nearly 20 years now )

I truly hope that you and DH can have a discussion about this. That he sees how greatly affected you are by this situation. And that he eventually stands by you and doesn't let BIL stay. I really don't think you can enjoy your vacation if BIL is in your house while you are gone.

I'm on edge wondering how this is all going to play out. I know I wont be able to put a happy face while we're at disney.

 

[ericstac]

Wow. This thread sucks!!

I'm the worst with 'home invaders', even good family members who have their own home and offer to take care of our property while gone I say no to. I don't like people in my house when I'm not there.

There was a post back on page12 I really like.. This was when it was assumed BIL was staying for sure. Just let it be and when you get back, leave the house to your husband to get back in order. Bust out the Clorox cleaner and have him clean all the showers and restrooms, shampoo the carpets, clean the bed dings and towels. Basically clean everywhere ole BIL and honey could smash at. Yeah. Your couch and favorite seat in the house where you sit to chill and watch Big Brother.. It's been abused. That kitchen table you eat your family meals on. Dead.

Hopefully your husbands mans the f up though. I would never put someone in front of my wife and kids feelings. It isn't worth it for him to do this. Does your DH have friends that could slap some sense into him for you?

 

[ericstac]

I'm on edge wondering how this is all going to play out. I know I wont be able to put a happy face while we're at disney.

Yeah the trip would be ruined for sure...

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is a good thing that your DH did at least put-on-the brakes, and seems to get the feeling that there will be consequences if he continues to act this way, and to disregard your boundaries.

Unfortunately, as you have indicated that you are aware of, this does NOT mean that he (and his BIL) are going to give up on this or 'ramp down'.

OP: I do hope that you are able to find the strength and fortitude and self-esteem to be able to stand on this one line in the sand.

You said "he believes that I am just against his brother...." As we all have said, when it comes to his brother/family, and these psychological issues, he is not seeing reality. Possibly never will. He could believe that you are against his brother... whatever... You have to get past that... You can't change what he chooses to feel or believe.

That is why my very very first advice to you was to 'give up the emotional engagement, the negative labels of his brother, etc.'
No arguing... No engagement... PERIOD... No moments of losing focus and calling his brother a 'Lazy, selfish, @%**^^@!'.
This can and will immediately backfire on you in the worst way.
If you do any of that, any more, even one slight hint, in your husband's mind, you are proving him right.
Even if you, and me, and everyone else on the planet, know that it is not true.
These kind of issues are based on a real break with reality.
You can't 'reason' with that kind of crazy. (And, your BIL is def, trying his hardest to get your husband onboard his crazy train.)
You may never, ever, be able to change that.

So, then what are you to do?????
SIMPLY ESTABLISH THIS BOUNDARY 'HE WILL NOT BE STAYING IN YOUR HOUSE, PERIOD'.
State that, and ONLY that.
Over and over and over and over.
Refuse to make any other comments or engage in any of the other completely and totally UNACCEPTABLE type of interaction that took place yesterday.

 

[Julylady]

Hi OP. I have been lurking on this thread for a couple of days and felt SO BAD for you last night. I wanted to share a story of something that happened to me that may offer a little perspective.

My brother works for a non-profit organization. They don't make a lot of $$ and finances at the organization are always an issue. He called me 2 weeks before I was going on vacation in 2012 and told me that he had offered my house to a guy he knew through work (same organization but works in another state) for him and his family to stay in while they were in town. He had never met this guy, only knew him through emails/conference calls. I guess the guy was planning to come to our city for a meeting, but was complaining about how expensive the hotels were. My brother thought offering them my house was the perfect solution.

I went absolutely ballistic on him. No way, no how, absolutely would not even consider it. My brother was just flabbergasted. He honestly had no idea I would react that way. I guess he rescinded the offer the next morning. We have talked about it since. To him, a house is just a building. He doesn't feel any emotional attachment to it. He is also very trusting. He can't imagine that anyone would take advantage of that situation and besides, if they broke something, he was sure they would pay to have it fixed. No big deal to him at all. I told him that I would feel personally violated and that I don't trust anyone to stay in my house, even family, if I'm not there. My brother always thinks the best of everyone, I tend to think the worst until proven otherwise.

Maybe your husband feels the same way about the house? That its just a building? I am sure to this day, my brother thinks I way over reacted and was "mean" not to let this nice family stay in my house since I wasn't using it. Your husbands lack of emotional attachment to your house, plus his feeling of responsibility for his brother might be causing him to respond this way.

In NO way do I think your husband is justified what he did, particularly with the name calling and making you the bad guy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

what I would really love is for him to read this thread.

OMG, do NOT even think to go there!!!!!!
No, no, no, no, NOOOO!!!!

And I will tell you why....
Because, you are sitting there, holding out hope, thinking that "if only he would read this thread, he would see...."
Nope, not true...
Not even close.

You have to get past that....
He may NEVER 'see'.
You have to realize that.

You could go thru this for days, weeks, months, years, DECADES.. if you are waiting for him to 'see'.

There is no time for waiting.
This trip is coming up, and if BIL (and his girlfriend, no less) move in to your house, it is a huge, huge, game changer.
Everything will be different.

The new status-quo has been established.
And, as others have stated, once somebody has established residence at a property, that can, and often does, come with legal issues.

Again...
We are only trying to help, and have best wishes for your self interest.
Not trying to be harsh...
Just very 'blunt'

I am sending you many many many more hugs!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Show him the thread! It might be a wake up call for him.

Again, and again, and again...
NO, NO, NO....
For the love of god.

There is the possibility that you will be opening up the sanctity of your home to these people.
The LAST thing you want to do is to openly open up your personal/social life here on this chat board to them.

Are you ready to hand this over to them too?

Please, for the love of anything and everthing that is holy, do not, ever, open up your social interactions on this board to these people.

 

[HM]

When you talk to your DH, make sure one of the first things you mention is him calling you a blankety blank in his text. He needs to see how he's treated YOU in this 'discussion'. If it made you cry, tell him that, if it made you angry, tell him that.

I would have called off the trip. Truly. I would have called WDW and had them change my reservations for something off in the distant future (so as not to lose the money you've invested in this) and then change it later on to something you really can do. I'd eat the airplane tickets if need be. I could not enjoy a vacation away with all of the 'what ifs' and the way your DH is making you feel. Hopefully the rest of the group could go on and have a good time.

And I was flabbergasted to come back to this thread today after not seeing it for a week or so and see where it had gone. I feel so anxious right now, I can't imagine how you feel. I am praying that you DH backs you up and tells BIL no for good.

 

[EMom]

I think you have made a massive mistake caving in. You have sent a message that you can be badgered into doing what you know is a mistake and if you don't give in quickly enough, verbal abuse by your husband will do the trick. Anything to keep the peace. You keep saying you can't cancel the vacation, but you can. I'd cancel it to send my husband a strong message. Plus, there is no way I'd WANT to go on vacation with my DH at this point. I'd be so angry, disappointed and disgusted with him that I wouldn't even want to LOOK at him.

I'm a blunt person. I'd probably tell my DH he made a big mistake calling me a blanking blank and that he should remember that as the day he let me know his brother was more important to him that I was, because I certainly wasn't going to forget it. Let him stew on that.

Also, if you go on this vacation, you'd better realize EVERY vacation from now one will be subject to you BIL and his GF crashing at your place. You can't say no. Even if you say no, no one will listen. You are his hotel of choice. There is essentially no way this will be a one time event. Giving in on this is not the temporary solution you may think. You have open Pandora's Box.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I think you have made a massive mistake caving in. You have sent a message that you can be badgered into doing what you know is a mistake and if you don't give in quickly enough, verbal abuse by your husband will do the trick. Anything to keep the peace. You keep saying you can't cancel the vacation, but you can. I'd cancel it to send my husband a strong message. Plus, there is no way I'd WANT to go on vacation with my DH at this point. I'd be so angry, disappointed and disgusted with him that I wouldn't even want to LOOK at him.

I'm a blunt person. I'd probably tell my DH he made a big mistake calling me a blanking blank and that he should remember that as the day he let me know his brother was more important to him that I was, because I certainly wasn't going to forget it. Let him stew on that.

Also, if you go on this vacation, you'd better realize EVERY vacation from now one will be subject to you BIL and his GF crashing at your place. You can't say no. Even if you say no, no one will listen. You are his hotel of choice. There is essentially no way this will be a one time event. Giving in on this is not the temporary solution you may think. You have open Pandora's Box.

I know its selfish of me but I am kind of hoping BILs girlfriend's parents do eventually cave and he moves back there. We didn't hear from him for 10 years! Now in the few months he's been back in town he has gotten more out of us than a normal person would ask in a lifetime. I know if he goes back to his girlfriends hometown we wont hear from him again. I did by the way try pointing out to my husband that he never hears from his brother unless he needs something, he barely knows our kids names....but it falls on deaf ears. As its been pointed out, he will never see what I see the way I see it.

 

[bellanapoli]

I'm a blunt person. I'd probably tell my DH he made a big mistake calling me a blanking blank and that he should remember that as the day he let me know his brother was more important to him that I was, because I certainly wasn't going to forget it. Let him stew on that.

Ditto.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Also, if you go on this vacation, you'd better realize EVERY vacation from now one will be subject to you BIL and his GF crashing at your place. You can't say no. Even if you say no, no one will listen. You are his hotel of choice. There is essentially no way this will be a one time event. Giving in on this is not the temporary solution you may think. You have open Pandora's Box.

OP, I would keep future vacation plans quiet until you return home. There's no reason for the BIL and girl friend to know your business.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I know its selfish of me but I am kind of hoping BILs girlfriend's parents do eventually cave and he moves back there. We didn't hear from him for 10 years! Now in the few months he's been back in town he has gotten more out of us than a normal person would ask in a lifetime. I know if he goes back to his girlfriends hometown we wont hear from him again. I did by the way try pointing out to my husband that he never hears from his brother unless he needs something, he barely knows our kids names....but it falls on deaf ears. As its been pointed out, he will never see what I see the way I see it.

We hoped our moocher would head to Florida to be with his girl friend, just to get him out of our hair -- she's currently staying with her relatives while looking for a job. The girl friend's mother paid for her DD's plane ticket to get her away from our moocher, and has made it quite clear that she doesn't want our moocher there. Hey, we put up with the girl friend for a couple of years, now they can deal with him. Some well-meaning member of our family actually gave the moocher the $$$ for a bus ticket and I started singing, "Thank God and greyhound you're gone." Not so fast. We don't know what happened to the travel funds (I suspect he headed to a casino to try to turn bus fare into plane fare) but he's still in town ten days later, and now he has a go fund me account set up on Facebook. He isn't getting a whole lot of help there. The moocher and girl friend have a very toxic relationship and it would be better if they stay away from each other and start over. It's not like he was faithful to her while they were homeless together here.

 

[Rhombus]

Your husband and BIL knew you would be unlikely to cancel a vacation with extended family and used that to make you cave. It appears your BIL has taught your DH a few manipulation skills.

Yes, the BIL will never leave their house and he knows it.

Reading all of the previous posts makes me want to say that you can still back out of agreeing! I am really nervous for all the grief and stress you will most likely face when you get back from your trip.

Well, hopefully with OP's update there's still a chance she can keep BIL and GF from setting up camp in her house while she's away.

Because rest assured if they stay it will be a nightmare getting them to leave.

Since hubby and BIL already think OP is a blanking blank, I'm holding out hope that OP will show them she can be the biggest blanking blank whoever blanked when pushed too far.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Dedicated to those who have to deal with moochers: