When in laws cause problems

[Wishing on a star]

PS: I know one shouldn't have to think about doing something to secure your home...
But, is there any way to get something like the Lock Pad things that realtors put on houses for sale that are vacant?
You wouldn't have to change the locks, worry about them helping themselves to your home (even if they have a cheap hotel)

I don't know if these are readily available, or if you might know a real estate agent who would consider putting these on your doors?

 

[antmaril]

I responded that perhaps your husband should stay home with his brother, but, after reading some of the responses, I agree with the others about that not being such a good idea. I think paying for a cheap motel for a week is the way to go. Keeping him out of your house is really the only good option.

Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[barkley]

The hotel idea keeps your house intact, pets safe.
BIL is still mooching, your husband is still enabling. But this time you can put into $ terms how much it's costing your family to enable BIL. Maybe it will be more obvious to your husband when he sees what it's quite literally costing you all to enable his brother.

It also sends a message to BIL that you really really really don't want him to stay in your house - whether you are there or not.

I'd also pay in cash, no way do you want to use a CC that your BIL could run up with charges to the room, etc.

Edited to add - I do think this is a bit of a dangerous precedent to set. Do you think your husband would be willing to pony up $ for brother to hotel it in the future when he has nowhere to stay yet again?

just want to point out-the bil HAS A PLACE TO STAY-his mother's. it's just come down to mom's roommate refusing to financially provide for him via her rent/utility share. I didn't read that bil was told to leave, didn't even read that the mom told her son that he would have to pay for the shortfall in rent/utilities.

this is NOT a homeless person w/nowhere to stay-he told his brother (op's husband) that if he can't stay in the op's house he will live in his car. if it was a matter of him being put out of mom's house for failing to contribute then if the op's husband wanted to continue the enabling he could just pay bill's share of rent/utilities, if it was a matter of bil being put out by mom/roommate for whatever reason he could pay for a motel. I honestly see this as the bil wanting his own vacation-he knows the op's house will be vacant while they are on vacation so he wants his own vacation-from mom, the roommate, all reasonable adult responsibilities. he makes comments on her fb page about how nice it must be to be able to afford going on vacation while at the same time he's making arrangements w/op's husband to take one himself at the op's house.

it will be interesting to see how this plays out. even if the op gets her husband's buy-in to pay for a cheap motel I suspect the guilt game will turn into 'it's not good enough, what am I not good enough to stay in your home, you're always putting me down, you don't know how lucky you are..."-been there, heard it, dealt w/the fallout over it.

 

[DizBelle]

If this were me....

I'm not sure I could enjoy my vacation with my DH on the vacation too knowing how he betrayed me. I would want him to stay home or we all would just not go at all.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

that's what my feelings would be as well (and your situation w/your bil is causing me to think about my similar situation w/ my brother-who btw the last time he guilt tripped my mom into letting him stay w/her vs. staying in his car 'for a few days'-extended the few days into over 10 years).

I wouldn't be able to enjoy my vacation, my kids (and family) would pick up on that and I suspect it would create horrendous memories for at least me (and I know if my family knew my husband put me in that situation-even absent the name calling-it would not be the happy family gathering for anyone involved). this kind of stuff literally makes me sick (did on one occasion when the fallout w/my brother pitting one family member against another in his quest to mooch/couch surf required an e/r trip for me and anxiety meds afterwards).

that said-if it were me. I couldn't stress over the cat and the house. I would have to say to my husband 'it's your choice-we go on the trip w/our house vacant or we're staying home'. if he's so concerned about his brother he can pay for the cheap motel-but NOT our home. if he got nasty, refused and name called me that would seal the deal that the trip was being cancelled/if he insisted that he was going anyway w/the kids then I would still stay home-and take whatever legal action I had to in order to keep the bil out of the home. if the vacation got cancelled or I stayed home alone I wouldn't be cancelling my time off work though-I would be using that to seek out my therapeutic and legal options.

there will be those (and your husband may try putting this out as well) that your 'hurting the kids' by canceling the vacation-in my opinion (and experience) the kids will be hurt allot more if they have to deal w/the fallout of a lousy trip where moms miserable/dads angry (or smug that he got his way and acting all fake 'happy/happy') and whatever god awful mess you have to deal w/on the bil front when you return. even in the best case scenario where the bil behaved and left your home willingly in pristine condition-the kids would still have to deal w/the fallout of what will be tremendous animosity/hurt between their parents.

whatever you decide-I think this should be a HUGE wakeup call for you. be it individual or joint counseling-you need someone to work w/ on determining where your marriage stands/where you stand in your marriage. guilting someone is not acceptable behavior, name calling is not acceptable behavior-lieing to someone (which your dh essentially did when the 2 of you came to an agreement on the situation and he went behind your back and told his brother he could stay) for me takes it so beyond not acceptable that it would cause me to call into question if I'm being lied to about anything else.

stay strong, stay healthy-it's important for you and your children.

this sums up all my fears and emotions right now. I am being forced to decide if this is something my marriage should be ruined over and it isn't fair. Is it something my entire families vacation should be ruined over. My mom will be devastated and mad if I tell her we suddenly aren't going. She doesn't know the details over BIL but knows enough to know why this is happening.

The hotel idea keeps your house intact, pets safe.
BIL is still mooching, your husband is still enabling. But this time you can put into $ terms how much it's costing your family to enable BIL. Maybe it will be more obvious to your husband when he sees what it's quite literally costing you all to enable his brother.

It also sends a message to BIL that you really really really don't want him to stay in your house - whether you are there or not.

I'd also pay in cash, no way do you want to use a CC that your BIL could run up with charges to the room, etc.

Edited to add - I do think this is a bit of a dangerous precedent to set. Do you think your husband would be willing to pony up $ for brother to hotel it in the future when he has nowhere to stay yet again?

I'm not sure to be honest, we definitely are not rich and couldn't afford to do so and I don't think my husband will even agree to pay for a hotel considering our house would be sitting empty. I haven't brought it up to him yet. I'm sure he will say I'm being ridiculous.

 

[Lynne M]

I really like the idea of paying for the motel. It salvages the vacation, keeps him out of your house, he can't make you the villain, and your husband feels like he's helping his brother.

But that's a short-term fix. Long term, I think counseling, for both you and your husband together, and him separately, would really help. With the rough childhood that he had, of course he feels tightly bound to his brother. Siblings in tough situations hang on tight to each other. I think it would help him to talk through all that with a counselor, and talk about how he fits the various parts of his family together - his mom and siblings, and you and the kids - and how he balances the competing needs of the different parts of his family.

And, counseling for the both of you, to figure out a long-term strategy for dealing with his brother.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

just want to point out-the bil HAS A PLACE TO STAY-his mother's. it's just come down to mom's roommate refusing to financially provide for him via her rent/utility share. I didn't read that bil was told to leave, didn't even read that the mom told her son that he would have to pay for the shortfall in rent/utilities.

this is NOT a homeless person w/nowhere to stay-he told his brother (op's husband) that if he can't stay in the op's house he will live in his car. if it was a matter of him being put out of mom's house for failing to contribute then if the op's husband wanted to continue the enabling he could just pay bill's share of rent/utilities, if it was a matter of bil being put out by mom/roommate for whatever reason he could pay for a motel. I honestly see this as the bil wanting his own vacation-he knows the op's house will be vacant while they are on vacation so he wants his own vacation-from mom, the roommate, all reasonable adult responsibilities. he makes comments on her fb page about how nice it must be to be able to afford going on vacation while at the same time he's making arrangements w/op's husband to take one himself at the op's house.

it will be interesting to see how this plays out. even if the op gets her husband's buy-in to pay for a cheap motel I suspect the guilt game will turn into 'it's not good enough, what am I not good enough to stay in your home, you're always putting me down, you don't know how lucky you are..."-been there, heard it, dealt w/the fallout over it.

This is exactly it. MIL has not asked BIL to leave - but BIL is feeling the pressure from the roommate that he is going to have to pay, and supposedly roommate is making BIL miserable, obviously she is getting frustrated that she has to pay half the bills when MIL essentially has two people living there. MIL sees nothing wrong with BIL mooching off her and her roomate. I suspected the roommate tolerated this assuming it was going to be a couple of weeks for him to get on his feet, now she realizes this is who he is and won't leave...and won't pay. The amazing thing is, him and my husband think the roommate is being unreasonable. it just baffles me. My husband is not a stupid man, but the mentality is just astounding to me. But he has not been told to leave so yes, he has a place to stay. A free place to stay.

I feel that BIL wants his own vacation and because he knows my house will be empty him and his girlfriend can fart around for a week for free. It really upsets me to know I've worked my butt off for our things, our home, our utilities etc...and this man just gets to swoop in and use it all ...for free?? My husband I both work full time, not that it matters but my income pays for that house too. I feel awful he is putting my husband in this position, but even pointing that out my husband doesn't see it, it isn't his brother that is doing this, it is ME that is being unreasonable, and the roommate, and his girlfriend parents etc.

 

[PlutoPony]

Does your husband realize the potential issue with the cat and his brother?

 

[PlutoPony]

I feel awful he is putting my husband in this position

Uh, your husband is allowing himself to be put in this position. You can't pin this whole thing on the BIL I'm afraid.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it is true that your husband doesn't see the reality.
There is definitely a huge break from reality when it comes to issues like this.

My advice is to go book an extended stay ( in case BIL does actually find himself 'homeless', you are covered.)
Refuse to argue details... do not engage in that way with your husband.
"I know you love your brother, but I can not have somebody who has been unable or unwilling to provide for themselves at all to be in my home."

Those words.. ONLY, over and over and over....
Lather rinse repeat.

I know the basic desire is to discuss (which is 'argue') and hope that your husband can see the light.
It is very apparent from your posts that he simply can not.
The arguments will simply go in circles from now till kingdome come.

I would stay home and insist on some counseling, and forgo the vacation, before I would let this man (AND HIS GIRLFRIEND!) stay in my home, in MY BED, or go on this trip without my husband and my kids father, not knowing what the situation could be when I return.

Again, hugs....

 

[PlutoPony]

"I know you love your brother, but I can not have somebody who has been unable or unwilling to provide for themselves at all to be in my home."

Those words.. ONLY, over and over and over....
Lather rinse repeat.

Good line. Succinct, to the point, not emotional. Covers it all.

 

[EMom]

I am serious when I say I'd cancel the vacation. I wouldn't even want to vacation with a husband who called me a nasty name and is willing to choose his moocher brother and GF over me. Also, your BIL will wind up in that house no matter what your DH says. I've got the feeling that if you merely threaten to cancel the vacation, your DH will say whatever it takes to get you to go, and let his brother stay anyway and think he's being reasonable.

You were justified drawing a line in the sand, but your DH crossed that line and cursed you as he did it. I wouldn't go on vacation with a man like that. If anything, he'd be couch surfing with his useless brother soon.

Take the vacation money and use it for marriage counseling.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have to have a civil discussion with your husband. Write our your concerns such as the cat, getting him out when you are home, damages, the fact that you do not want them sleeping in your bed, etc. I would state that you are willing to give him $600 (or pick a number) so he can have a weeks vacation with the GF in a hotel. Remind him the house belongs to both of you and this is the compromise you are willing to make.

I know you said money is tight, but can your parents give you the money? My parents would give it to me in a heartbeat and I would give it to my kids in a heartbeat to salvage the vacation and keep the house safe.

Good luck OP and I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Lynne M]

The amazing thing is, him and my husband think the roommate is being unreasonable. it just baffles me. My husband is not a stupid man, but the mentality is just astounding to me.

I get ya, but like I said, kids who've been through bad stuff together get really close.

I have a divorced friend with 3 kids. His wife left when the kids were elementary school age, and they had shared custody. It was never a terrible situation, but the mom's life is a little...drama-filled, and so things were often not really settled and peaceful when they were with their mom. Their dad's house was a refuge, he worked hard to keep things stable and happy for them when they were with him.

So, not really bad, but not always stable. I watched those kids grow up, and they are SO tight. They look out for each other and have each other's backs in a way that's amazing and wonderful to see. I don't think I've ever seen closer siblings. They're friends as well as siblings, and are close to each other's friends and spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends, too.

And it sounds like they had it really easy compared to your husband and his brother. I think there's a definite "we have to look out for each other" thing going on that's a holdover from childhood, that's so deeply rooted even your husband doesn't see what's happening.

 

[barkley]

op I so feel for you-so much of what is being suggested sounds like hostage or blackmail financial negotiations. no one should be put into that position-least of all someone by their spouse. I REALY hope you are able to come to a solution that works for you/your kids.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I could afford a week for him to stay a non luxurious local motel for a week. I'm doing some research now.

I'm gong on the trip regardless of what happens, this is the first and probably only time my entire family- mom and aunts will be going with us. In the last couple of years we've lost 3 family members (my aunt and uncle died 2 days apart suddenly and unexpectedly leaving behind 4 kids) then another uncle died 4 months later after a long battle with cancer. My family needs this - and I'm not ruining that for them or me because of his family issues. I'm just hoping I can get this resolved before we go.

No my husband doesn't see the issue with the cat, because....and I quote "he is 39 year old, he can handle a cat".

 

[JoeA]

Lock the bedroom door, remove all the cushions, hide the TV, turn off the cable, electric, water...and tell your BiL to have a good time.! And for kicks, hide a dead fish in the house!!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "you may want to help and enable your brother but I'm afraid I wont be able to take part in that so if that is what you want to do you'll have to share an apartment with him to do it"

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Lock the bedroom door, remove all the cushions, hide the TV, turn off the cable, electric, water...and tell your BiL to have a good time.! And for kicks, hide a dead fish in the house!!

I like the way you think. I honestly did think about cutting the cable internet and hot water ....

 

[EMom]

I guess I'm in the minority, because I wouldn't part with 50 cents to pay for a hotel or anything else for BIL, just on principle. If it meant I took a financial loss to cancel the vacation, fine.

Some might point out that canceling the vacation will cost more than paying for his hotel, but that's just looking at finances and this problem is bigger than finances. Much bigger.

Again, if my husband called me a name for taking a reasonable position, I wouldn't go on vacation with him. He would disgust me.