When in laws cause problems

[Vernie822]

And I hope you don't cancel the trip! You deserve to go!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Wow - seems like he just chose his brother over his wife and family.
I'm sorry.
How much $ can you get back if you cancel the trip?

At this point, none, we are less than 10 days inside our trip, airfare is booked. My entire family is going my mom, my aunts, my sister in law, nephews. I'm not cancelling. I don't know what I'm going to do but I am not cancelling.

 

[mom2rtk]

this morning I get to work ......

If you need motivation to hold your ground, just answer this: What is BIL doing this morning while you are at work?

OP, I'm sorry it's becoming a show down. I hope you find a resolution that still allows you to enjoy your trip.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

It sounds like you're going to have a serious talk with DH tonight, good luck. Hopefully, once he's face to face with you he'll realize that BIL has guilted him into a stance that is jeopardizing the life the 2 of you have built together.

 

[antmaril]

Maybe you should tell your husband that if he wants his brother to stay at your house, that the only way you will agree to that is he stays home. It is his choice. He can either go on vacation with the family (no brother in your house) or stay home and spend a lovely week with his brother and the gf. Those are his choices. Period.

Stand your ground. This is worth fighting for.

I am sorry you are going through this. Good luck!

 

[diznygirl]

OH MY GOD. My husband just responded to my "I already said no" and said you're being a blanking blank, I'm letting him stay. He has never in our all years of marriage talked to me like this.

Pardon me, but your husband is the blanking blank here NOT you.

I hope your name is on the deed to the house.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

OH MY GOD. My husband just responded to my "I already said no" and said you're being a blanking blank, I'm letting him stay. He has never in our all years of marriage talked to me like this.

So, basically, your husband isn't giving you a say and is instead choosing to enable his brother's crappy behavior?

I'm so sorry you're going through this right before your trip. You don't deserve this, and I would be livid if I were in your situation. I would stay as calm as possible (easier said than done, I know) and talk things over with your husband tonight. Stand your ground.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Pardon me, but your husband is the blanking blank here NOT you.

I hope your name is on the deed to the house.

the house is in my name, in NYS it doesn't matter anyways because we're married it is considered both of our property.

I'm so upset right now, crying at work because of this. I'm so sick of his family putting us in this position. We are 6 days out, we're suppose to be happy and counting down, packing etc. we had lots of plans this weekend, was going to be a great couple of days leading up to the trip. Now while I'm in disnye I have to think about his nasty brother and his girlfriend in my bed.

 

[PlutoPony]

Can you put locks on the bedroom doors? I know that sounds extreme but I get your point about the mattress.

 

[mom2rtk]

Now while I'm in disnye I have to think about his nasty brother and his girlfriend in my bed.

Does that mean the discussion is now over?

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Can you put locks on the bedroom doors? I know that sounds extreme but I get your point about the mattress.

I thought about that because obviously no matter what I say at this point his brother is staying so I could lock the doors upstairs but then I have to wonder what he is doing on my couch?

 

[Grmnshplvr]

this is not worth losing my marriage over to me, so why is it to my husband? In all of this some how, I am the bad guy...not his brother who put himself in this position...not his brother who continually asks my husband to discuss it with me to the point where we are now fighting and miserable, this is all my fault. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable here at all so how am I the bad guy. What are my options here.

Hold my ground but know DH is letting him go the minute we take off, be miserable in disney.
Give in, know that I was manipulated and his nasty brother is getting it on on my bed, be miserable in disney
Confront his brother myself, possibly cause even more problems, be miserable in disney.

We've been planning this trip for over a year now. This is not fair.

 

[PlutoPony]

Yes you have to wonder about the couch. Personally I'd put a plastic sheet on the couch. Obvious - yes. But you're sending a clear message about your feelings on your home being lived in while you're gone and making them feel not welcome, which is a good thing.

The only way your BIL is going to change is if the status quo is too uncomfortable. That's what caused him to leave his mother's house. Not allowing him to stay at your house would have helped further the cause and done more to help push HIM to GET HIS ACT TOGETHER. But your husband has enabling his brother too deeply ingrained to allow that to happen. Too bad for both of them.

 

[robinb]

Suggest for your husband that he can pay for a week long stay at some cheap motel for his brother. That way BiL will get his "week away" without entering your house, and DH can can go on holiday without feeling bad for his poor brother who has to stay with his mum.

OP, first of all I am very sorry {{hugs}}. Colargol's suggestion is the middle ground you need at this point. A week in an extended stay place satisfies everyone's needs. My only concern would to make sure you pay in advance with cash in case he decides to squat at the hotel on your credit card after the week is done.

 

[diznygirl]

the house is in my name, in NYS it doesn't matter anyways because we're married it is considered both of our property.

I'm so upset right now, crying at work because of this. I'm so sick of his family putting us in this position. We are 6 days out, we're suppose to be happy and counting down, packing etc. we had lots of plans this weekend, was going to be a great couple of days leading up to the trip. Now while I'm in disnye I have to think about his nasty brother and his girlfriend in my bed.

I'm so sorry for you. My mother is like this about my brother. I haven't spoken to him in years, and he treats her like dirt even tho she's the one who always caved in to his demands.

This isn't over. Tell your husband the decision was already mutually agreed upon and he has to keep telling his brother no for the sake of your family. And if he can't do this without calling you names, he can go sleep on the couch with his brother.

Hugs!

 

[PlutoPony]

Where does your husband think his brother is going to go live when you get back? Does he have an answer for that? At this point my concern would be how to get them of the house when you return. What does your husband plan to do if he won't leave (and you know he won't - willingly).

At this point your best bet may be to make a deal - hhis brother stays for the week you are gone ONLY if your husband agrees to going to a certain number of marriage counseling sessions with you. Make the first appointment before you go for a time right after you get back. That more than anything should let him know that you want to stay married to him but BIL is an impediment you may not be able to get over if something doesn't change.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Wow. I'm so sorry to read about your update with your BIL. I know I'm not in your shoes but this is definitely one battle I will not let hubby win. If you give in now, you will resent your hubby for putting you in this position and if something happens like BIL breaks something or he won't leave after you come home- it's going to be fights every day. With you knowing that BIL is living it up in your home, it will preoccupy your mind the whole trip which is totally unfair to you. I will put my foot down and just keep saying no. Tell your husband that he doesn't get to make 100% of the decision and totally ignore your opinion-that's not what marriage is about. I also agree with a PP who said if your husband wants to let your BIL stay at your house so badly then he should give up his trip and babysit them.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, I'm sure you want this disharmony to go away so you can salvage your trip. But you need to consider how you're going to feel about this long term. I would have a hard time being railroaded in this way. Is that something you'll be able to let go of for the sake of your marriage?

And I agree it's a very valid point to question where he's going when you get home.

And I ask again, as you are at work this morning, what is your BIL doing? Sleeping soundly on someone else's sofa?

 

[deedeetoo]

I agree that you have to stand your ground and not allow BIL to stay in your home. If he truly has no other options, then what is going to happen when you guys get home? He won't have anywhere to go then either. And he will already be living at your house. This will put you in the position of kicking him out, rather than not letting him in. My guess is your DH will make you feel like the bad guy again. You have to hold your ground and say no now.

 

[PlutoPony]

And I ask again, as you are at work this morning, what is your BIL doing? Sleeping soundly on someone else's sofa?

That would be a good question to text your husband OP