When in laws cause problems

[Grmnshplvr]

one thing I didn't even think about until now...my cat. My cat is an indoor cat, she is not allowed out side at all (she is a rescue that is declawed, being outside is not an option) She has EXTREME territorial/behavioral issues I dont want to get into all of it but basically we have to put her in our bedroom when we have guests over because she attacks people, the german shepherd will let you in,..the cat, not so much. What is he going to do when she attacks him? and I know she will, she will already be stressed with us being gone, and now a strange man and woman in her house? What will he do if she bolts for the door? She isn't going to let him pick her up, if he can even catch her once she gets out. She knows my step sister and sees her almost on a daily basis. I'm going to be sick thinking about this the whole time I am there. I honestly don't even want to go now.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

OP, I'm sure you want this disharmony to go away so you can salvage your trip. But you need to consider how you're going to feel about this long term. I would have a hard time being railroaded in this way. Is that something you'll be able to let go of for the sake of your marriage?

And I agree it's a very valid point to question where he's going when you get home.

And I ask again, as you are at work this morning, what is your BIL doing? Sleeping soundly on someone else's sofa?

I'm not one to let things go, this will be an issue for a long time to come. BIL is actually at work today - he's been there almost 3 or 4 weeks now...so I suspect he'll be quitting soon.

 

[mom2rtk]

one thing I didn't even think about until now...my cat. My cat is an indoor cat, she is not allowed out side at all (she is a rescue that is declawed, being outside is not an option) She has EXTREME territorial/behavioral issues I dont want to get into all of it but basically we have to put her in our bedroom when we have guests over because she attacks people, the german shepherd will let you in,..the cat, not so much. What is he going to do when she attacks him? and I know she will, she will already be stressed with us being gone, and now a strange man and woman in her house? What will he do if she bolts for the door? She isn't going to let him pick her up, if he can even catch her once she gets out. She knows my step sister and sees her almost on a daily basis. I'm going to be sick thinking about this the whole time I am there. I honestly don't even want to go now.

That's a very valid concern.

 

[PlutoPony]

Could your cat stay with your step sister while you are gone? Doesn't solve the larger problem but might alleviate one of your valid concerns

 

[jdb in AZ]

Your BIL has a car to sleep in? Who paid for that? Just wondering.

Have you asked your DH where his bro plans to live after you get home? If your DH is thinking he'll just deal with that when you get home, he really has blinders on.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Could your cat stay with your step sister while you are gone? Doesn't solve the larger problem but might alleviate one of your valid concerns

She cannot, my step sister has a dog and 2 cats....my cat cannot be with other cats. I wish that was an option. We can't even board her, no one will take her.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

one thing I didn't even think about until now...my cat. My cat is an indoor cat, she is not allowed out side at all (she is a rescue that is declawed, being outside is not an option) She has EXTREME territorial/behavioral issues I dont want to get into all of it but basically we have to put her in our bedroom when we have guests over because she attacks people, the german shepherd will let you in,..the cat, not so much. What is he going to do when she attacks him? and I know she will, she will already be stressed with us being gone, and now a strange man and woman in her house? What will he do if she bolts for the door? She isn't going to let him pick her up, if he can even catch her once she gets out. She knows my step sister and sees her almost on a daily basis. I'm going to be sick thinking about this the whole time I am there. I honestly don't even want to go now.

In addition to having to worry about the well-being of your cat, this also sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen if the cat attacks BIL or the GF. Is that something your husband wants to open himself (and his family) up to?

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Your BIL has a car to sleep in? Who paid for that? Just wondering.

Have you asked your DH where his bro plans to live after you get home? If your DH is thinking he'll just deal with that when you get home, he really has blinders on.

BIL's girlfriend put a car in her name for him and makes the payments for now. I asked him that he really seems to think its just for one week that he will be staying. He is so blind!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I know the thought of giving up on this trip to Disney is just unthinkable.
I do understand that, very much so.
However, I could NOT enjoy, or even get thru, a vacation trip to Disney (or anywhere) with a man who had just forsaken me, and knowing my marriage was on the rocks. (Because, as you stated - your husband chose somebody else over you, and your 'nasty' brother in law AND HIS GIRLFRIEND had taken over my own home and were even sleeping in MY bed.)

Salvaging my marriage would be way more important than salvaging a vacation.

OP: If I am correct, I am thinking that MANY marriages and relationships come to this kind of crossroads when there is a big vacation, holiday, other big event. This tends to bring all the issues to the forefront. I know that this is VERY hard. But, I think it is common.

I know that it hurts that your husband is speaking to you in a way that he never has.
Just know that this is now coming from all of the mental and psychological issues that he needs to address. Mental and emotional issues. That seems obvious to me. Might hurt just a little bit less to try to see it from that angle.

If these issues are now having enough influence to cause your husband to risk his marriage, then that is a very very real consideration. One that you should understand and not take lightly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: Just a thought... Believe it or not... I also would not make it an option to go on this trip, leaving DH in the house with his brother.
Because, if this does not get cleared up right away, and you end up having to refuse to move you and your children back into the house with these people, YOU are the one who is considered to have abandoned the house and the marriage.

ALSO, it would be very painfully obvious to me that if my husband were to chose to stay at home with somebody else, and foresake his kids that family vacation... He is not only choosing to make his brother more important than you... He is doing that to his own kids. How does one explain to them, why isn't Dad here???

 

[SC Minnie]

OP-- As a PP suggested how about a compromise with your DH that you both agree to pay 1 week at a hotel for BIL. Cash so no tie to your credit card. This will get BIL a week away from MIL, he won't be in your home doing who knows what, and there's no issue with your animals. You'll be able to have a nice trip without worrying about your house and pets.

The larger issue is your DH's response to this whole problem that can be dealt with later.

 

[barkley]

one thing I didn't even think about until now...my cat. My cat is an indoor cat, she is not allowed out side at all (she is a rescue that is declawed, being outside is not an option) She has EXTREME territorial/behavioral issues I dont want to get into all of it but basically we have to put her in our bedroom when we have guests over because she attacks people, the german shepherd will let you in,..the cat, not so much. What is he going to do when she attacks him? and I know she will, she will already be stressed with us being gone, and now a strange man and woman in her house? What will he do if she bolts for the door? She isn't going to let him pick her up, if he can even catch her once she gets out. She knows my step sister and sees her almost on a daily basis. I'm going to be sick thinking about this the whole time I am there. I honestly don't even want to go now.

that's what my feelings would be as well (and your situation w/your bil is causing me to think about my similar situation w/ my brother-who btw the last time he guilt tripped my mom into letting him stay w/her vs. staying in his car 'for a few days'-extended the few days into over 10 years).

I wouldn't be able to enjoy my vacation, my kids (and family) would pick up on that and I suspect it would create horrendous memories for at least me (and I know if my family knew my husband put me in that situation-even absent the name calling-it would not be the happy family gathering for anyone involved). this kind of stuff literally makes me sick (did on one occasion when the fallout w/my brother pitting one family member against another in his quest to mooch/couch surf required an e/r trip for me and anxiety meds afterwards).

that said-if it were me. I couldn't stress over the cat and the house. I would have to say to my husband 'it's your choice-we go on the trip w/our house vacant or we're staying home'. if he's so concerned about his brother he can pay for the cheap motel-but NOT our home. if he got nasty, refused and name called me that would seal the deal that the trip was being cancelled/if he insisted that he was going anyway w/the kids then I would still stay home-and take whatever legal action I had to in order to keep the bil out of the home. if the vacation got cancelled or I stayed home alone I wouldn't be cancelling my time off work though-I would be using that to seek out my therapeutic and legal options.

there will be those (and your husband may try putting this out as well) that your 'hurting the kids' by canceling the vacation-in my opinion (and experience) the kids will be hurt allot more if they have to deal w/the fallout of a lousy trip where moms miserable/dads angry (or smug that he got his way and acting all fake 'happy/happy') and whatever god awful mess you have to deal w/on the bil front when you return. even in the best case scenario where the bil behaved and left your home willingly in pristine condition-the kids would still have to deal w/the fallout of what will be tremendous animosity/hurt between their parents.

whatever you decide-I think this should be a HUGE wakeup call for you. be it individual or joint counseling-you need someone to work w/ on determining where your marriage stands/where you stand in your marriage. guilting someone is not acceptable behavior, name calling is not acceptable behavior-lieing to someone (which your dh essentially did when the 2 of you came to an agreement on the situation and he went behind your back and told his brother he could stay) for me takes it so beyond not acceptable that it would cause me to call into question if I'm being lied to about anything else.

stay strong, stay healthy-it's important for you and your children.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

As mad as it makes me I think paying for an hotel for him is the only option I have right now.

 

[robinb]

OP-- As a PP suggested how about a compromise with your DH that you both agree to pay 1 week at a hotel for BIL. Cash so no tie to your credit card. This will get BIL a week away from MIL, he won't be in your home doing who knows what, and there's no issue with your animals. You'll be able to have a nice trip without worrying about your house and pets.

The larger issue is your DH's response to this whole problem that can be dealt with later.

OP, PLEASE CONSIDER THIS!!

There is no reason so talk about betrayals, lines in the sand or hills to die on when you have a very simple compromise that addressed the BIL's "needs", your DH's concern for his brother and your own uneasiness with him staying in your home. Everyone "wins" and you may address the fight with your DH over the BIL later.

Whoops! We were posting at the same time. Pick a place like Extended Stay where they can cook in the room.

 

[teller80]

P YOU are the one who is considered to have abandoned the house and the marriage.

Not an attorney but that doesn't sound right. She's just going on a planned vacation.

 

[PlutoPony]

The hotel idea keeps your house intact, pets safe.
BIL is still mooching, your husband is still enabling. But this time you can put into $ terms how much it's costing your family to enable BIL. Maybe it will be more obvious to your husband when he sees what it's quite literally costing you all to enable his brother.

It also sends a message to BIL that you really really really don't want him to stay in your house - whether you are there or not.

I'd also pay in cash, no way do you want to use a CC that your BIL could run up with charges to the room, etc.

Edited to add - I do think this is a bit of a dangerous precedent to set. Do you think your husband would be willing to pony up $ for brother to hotel it in the future when he has nowhere to stay yet again?

 

[lovemygoofy]

So I come from some trashy family and still have ties to my trashy family because in the end I love my family.

It is incredibly difficult to ask someone to give up someone they love for someone else. I understand that spouses should always come first but it is HARD to just turn your back on someone in your family. I say this as my mom sleeps in my house yet again while I'm trying to save her life from her own stupidity. One rule my husband and I have is what we do for one family we do for the other. It has been a hard and fast rule in our house and probably has saved our marriage. We have drama mama on both sides. We have spent thousands upon thousands on our moms because to just turn our backs isn't something we can do. We would never ask that from the other one. We discuss everything and figure out how to compromise the situation even if it's just paying for them to stay where they are.

I understand not wanting the brother in the house and putting your foot down but there needs to some discussion and compromise. Give him the money for the no tell motel and let him do as he pleases with it knowing he will make some bad choices or pay for the hotel room so your husband can rest without the guilt weighing on him. There has to be some compromise here because both sides are super unhappy and will be unhappy next week. Meet for lunch or coffee or something out in public with no phones, no texting, and just talk. Talk about each other's perspective and do not use statements starting with "you did..." Don't bring up the past. Deal with the current situation only and figure out something you can both live with.

 

[Vernie822]

I think the hotel sounds like a good option. It gives you the peace of mind knowing he's not in your house. It gives your BIL somewhere to stay that he can't stay past his welcome. It gives your husband the satisfaction knowing you and BIL are both happy. And it gets him out of both you and MIL's house. Unfortunately it will cost you $$, but sometimes that's worth it for peace of mind. I really hope you can enjoy your vacation!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I know it would grate on your very last nerve, and make you feel angry to pay for a hotel...
But, considering your home, your marriage, your cat, your sanity..
Well worth it.

Some things are like pulling teeth, a bit painful at the moment, but you are SO glad you sucked it up and did it.

How much is a reasonable/cheaper week at an extended stay in your area???

 

[Dawnlight]

OP, I know it would grate on your very last nerve, and make you feel angry to pay for a hotel...
But, considering your home, your marriage, your cat, your sanity..
Well worth it.

Some things are like pulling teeth, a bit painful at the moment, but you are SO glad you sucked it up and did it.

How much is a reasonable/cheaper week at an extended stay in your area???

I agree about the cost being worth it.

It could also end up being less to put him up in a hotel. If he damages anything or things need cleaning after their visit, or if things go missing, those are costs that can add up.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, especially at a time when you should be filled only with the joy and excitement over your upcoming vacation.